SNL,<BR>I know what you mean when you say you feel like you are bending over backwards. I do get some love in return though. I just feel like I can not satisfy him. I try so hard to show him my love but it's not good enough. I know it's the long hour he works and the meds but it is so hard to deal with. I think of it as why am I doing this, what am I geting out of this. But I have to stop myself and think of the answers. I love him, we need eachother.<P>I am sorry I am just so mad, so hurt and so sad right now. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Please pray for us and everyone on MB's. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

KS,<BR>Good morning!<P>You and SEM are so lucky to have each other. You are both very special people, and can be a great team. I want to encourage both of you to keep posting and reading. I learn so much by reading other threads - about other people going through similar trials, and then those that are going through entirely different things. You both need to keep posting and asking for support.<P>Please look at the positive in each other, and give each other TIME to heal. Enjoy the time you have together. Many of us are very envious that you are together and both working on this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] time.... what's the rush to make a decision about whether or not "it's going to work"??? No rush, huh? really? <P>KS, I'd like to ask you to give back to SEM some of the time you stole from him. My SIL told my H that. She said, "You stole 5 months away from (Faith) by having an A and leaving her. At least give her the 5 months back and work on repairing the marriage. You owe her that." wow... I had not thought of it that way before. So, give SEM some time to heal from his hurt and betrayed heart. <P>I'd like to challenge both of you to remove phrases from your discussions like "Let's just give up. It's not working. Let's get divorced. You're not trying." Bite your tongue when you feel like saying these things. You are both leaving yourself a back door by thinking this way. Close the door and commit to each other for a period of time. Haven't you agreed to 6 months? Stick to it and refuse to think about the back door.<P>We are here for both of you. You can do this. Remember, you are both in Plan A. Plan A is about you. Taking care of yourselves, demonstrating changes, no LB's, no selfish demands, unconditional love. Feel like bending over backwards??? Maybe - but it won't be like that forever... <P>k?<P>hugggggssssss to you both.

How can you work on the marriage when you feel that the BS pushes you away. SEM is pondering on my old job location. He thinks that since i was lying all the time, then I was in a current A. I know I wasn't and God knows I wasn't. I understand that I am not trust worthy but I am afarid that if he ponders on things that are untrue he will believe them. I know that before D-day I had beleived that he had an A with my friend because I had pondered on what she would say. She said that she knew he cheated on me even though she had no evidence. So I though about that and concluded it must have been with her because she seemed to know about it so well. <P>It seems like he is always bring up my past. I don't expect him to just get over it in a day, but I feel like he is pushing me away. I feel that he unsubconcius doesn't want our M to work so he is pushing me away by nit picking about everything.<P>He has even mentioned that he thinks of himself as weak becuase he loves me so much that he can't just leave the M. How does he expect me to feel about this? I get defensive and say then go we can just go get a divorce then.

Faith,<BR>you are so wonderful. You are such an inspiration. Your like my very own angel that keeps my head together [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>When you say to give him my time. Do you mean to stick it out no matter what? Could you give me some examples please.<P>I will try hard and bite my tongue when I'm about ready to LB. ANd no more back door. That will be hard but I will kick myself in the butt if i start to think that way. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Thanks again Faith Angel. Sherry

Dear KS,<P>Well like SEM, I want to see everything fixed right away. I want all the reassurances in front of me 24/7. In my case, I will even settle for 12/3.5 or 6/1.75 LOL!!!<P>Please be patient with SEM. He is a BS and may somewhat be reverting the cycle and now is showing his needy side. I definitely have shown mine. <P>You know what? I can't help it. I personally hve been beaten down so much that I can no longer hide my needs and fears. They just jump out there. <P>How long do you need to be in an understanding mode with SEM? Well I will not put a time limit on it but safe to say, the better or worse vow you may have taken goes both ways. You both have to be there to meet each others needs and fears. <P>Take a look at it this way. If SEM had an illness that required extended care, would you only give the minimal amount of your time even though you had more time and care to give? See, if you would give your all for something physical what about the emotional well being?<P>Now that applies to all of us. But it is hard. If you are finding it hard now, imagine what the others who are working with a non cooperative or may combative spouse are going through. <P><<<hugs>>>> I think about you a lot, you are in my thoughts and prayers. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

KS,<P>Hi sweetie. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I know when I say this it will sound patronizing, but it's not meant to be at all ... I remember us going thru the stage which the two of you are ploding thru right now.<P>Please understand that is is <I>crucial</I> right now for you to keep being as giving as possible. Sometimes that means lots of affection even if it's not returned, and other times it means giving him space to be mad and resentful over your affairs. The trick is 1) knowing when he needs which and 2) to keep finding the strength to give when it feels like you are running on empty. <P>This is one of the hardest times, but I'm so glad you guys are here ((((hugs))). This place helped me thru so much of the downs. <P><I>You</I> may be ready to 'move on' much sooner than he is. Sheryl, I have had to be extraordinarily patient with my H too. He is a slow boil and stays angry much longer than I usually do about things. I have learned to respect him and his feelings better now. <P>Your marriage didn't get screwed up in 2 days or even 2 months. It will take time to fix, to heal. YOU are still mending inside, too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] YOu are doing GREAT. You are doing the right things. Your H is doing the best he can too. Hang in there.

Sherry, mind if I toss in my $.02? <P>I'm sort of walking in SEM's shoes right now, though I'm a few months ahead of him. I've spent the last four months since dday#2 questioning everything my H ever said or did in our M. At that time I alternated between pushing him away and wanting him near me all of the time. He was frustrated, I was frustrated, nothing was being accomplished, really. <P>But something has changed in him. His plan A is impeccable. This is the first time I have ever seen him put such effort into anything. And, he's stopped making excuses. Stopped trying to get me to see things from his perspective when that same perspective at the time of all of those A's was wrong and skewered to begin with. <P>Still, all of those doubts are there and I ask question after endless question... exhausting to the both of us, esp since I find myself not believing half of his answers. But he very calmly pointed out that though he has indeed lied to me, and lied to me about certain things for six years, not EVERYTHING he ever said or did was a lie. He did lie on those specific occasions, for those specific reasons, but usually he was exactly where he said he was, doing what he said he was doing. <P>I was, and probably still am a bit, in a zone where I couldn't believe anything he said at all. Once his behavior radically changed, once he stopped reacting with anger and frustration to my anger and frustration, it became easier to hear his words. <P>In the last week he has gone from being protective of his actions and making explanations to being protective of my feelings. It was a quantum leap in salvaging this marriage. I like what I see and I pray that it's real. I will not commit to anything more than yet another chance. If he screws this one up, well... there's not any more fight left in me, either. <P>You two are a huge part of my reason for still being here. Please don't give up! Find your strength, find what your H. needs and just do it. Maybe we can all find a shred of happiness out here.<P>Snow

Orchid,<BR>We just stopped taking our med's. I stopped because I am sick of feeling tired all the time. I feel like a walking veggie. I can't rember to take it everyday so that doesn't help either. Sem stopped because he is sick of feeling tired all the time he wants a different kind. So we will work on that this week. <BR>So we are both a little off whack right now. Trying to deall with this and everyday life. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <BR>Thanks for being here for us. We really need you all. Thanks. Sherry<P>Khyra,<BR>""The trick is 1) knowing when he needs which and 2) to keep finding the strength to give when it feels like you are running on empty. ""<P>That is the hard part. I try to give more love and attention when he seems down but I don't know when he wants it or if he wants me to leave him alone. I think I am strating to get it though. I think that he wants love and attention all the time no matter what. But sometimes that is hard if I feel like he is pushing me away by mopping around.<BR>Thanks for the hug I need one [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You are so great. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Sherry<P>snowwhite,<BR>Your 2 cents are always wanted here!<BR>You both sound like my H and myself. I use to lie about the time I came home because of fear that he would get mad at me for being late. I wasn't having an A, I just stayed at work talking to co-worker's mostly female. I would also give some co-worker's rides home. one was male. They were all in school and couldn't afford cars yet. I was not the only one who gave them all rides. I had to stop though cause SEm would get upset. Now I have transferred to a new location. We have a bunch of high school kids there as well. One day I did get asked to give a male 16 yr old a ride home. I said" no way". <BR>My relationship with my H is far more important to me. <P>It's easy to get defensive about that stuff. Since we have been going to C and coming to MB's, I have learned about anger, and the way you word things makes a difference. <P>I am great appreciated by your comment. That is a warm coozey [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Thank you so much. Sherry