H had 2+ year A with secretary. She was in love with him, but H says it was only Sex. He says he said "certain" things to keep the relationship going. He swears he never told her he loved her (he didn't say he loved me either)<BR>He also says he always told her it would never be anything more than what it was.<P>It was: 2+ years of late night sex @ her place or in his car after business meetings<P>It was: 4 1 night "get aways" to hotels (I assumed he was business traveling)<P>It was: Afternoon oral sex on their lunch breaks<P>It was: Her getting pregnant, but having an abortion before she told him<P>It was: Finally over when she moved away.<P>I have been trying to get my H to admit that it HAD to be more than just sex. He has told me everything about all his A's (4). I know if he holds this truth in about the emotional part of the A he will never heal & I don't think we can go on.<P>Any words of wisdom?<P>Lisa<P>Good to be back...Sorry to see that most of us haven't progressed much. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Louser:<P>Can't stay long now, but I believe that an affair can be about sex only without emotional attachment, because they feel connected in that way without any other feelings.<P>Clyde

Yes, I think it can. And, "just sex" affairs often (but not exclusively) seem to be among those who do this over and over...did you say 4 affairs? I would certainly think that indicates a problem on his part with addictive behavior. Is he doing anything to address his problem?

As far as doing anything about his addiction; which I believe is real, he hasn't quite gotten to the point where he can be 100% honest with the MC. He's a little more honest with me...his most recent revelation..."Sex to me is the "Ultimate High"....WOW!! Hard to compete with that.<P>Thanks for the input.<P> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Come on you WS tell it like it is.

On the very fact that he had four affairs leads me to believe that sex is a very, very important need for him. Sexual addiction is right up there with the "normal" so-called addictions, such as drugs, alcohol, gambling...etc. Perhaps you may want to look into this form of behavior to get a better concept of what you are dealing with.<P>Good luck in your ventures...

louser, I haven't been in here in quite awhile, but your thread just strikes a chord with me. <BR>My H had a two yr + PA with the office manager in a small company he managed. <BR>Each of your descriptions fits my H affair with the exception of the pregnancy, H told her right away he had a vasectomy.<BR>This is H's only affair, though he has always been charming and flirtatious with friends and co workers. What H thought would only be a kiss quickly turned into sex when she undid his belt, (she had affairs with 3 other married men in the past. the rest is an old story here on MB.<BR>The lies went on for a year after DD of secret lunches they had, and truths are still being updated. <BR>I am pretty rational now, but not at first, as my earlier posts of denial show.<BR>MC for the past year, and many many talks have helped us along the way to healing.

Hey louser...<P>Well, I am gonna go the other direction on this one. I feel that there are "some" cases that may be based on sex, but I don't believe an A that is long term is based on that solely. I believe there is some type of emotional, love based attachment and commitment. There is something besides sex that can keep those two people together that long. My belief is that if it was based solely on sex, there would be multiple partners in that time span, not a sort of commitment to each other, no matter how great the sex is. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<BR>Trueheart

I'd guess that some men could have long term affairs that are solely about sex. That hypothesis is based upon the following scenario. Years ago I had a boss who used to cheat on his wife (while we traveled) with a call girl. Same one every time. Went on for at least 1.5 years that I was aware of. He had no real feelings for her. I remember asking him why does he always engage the services of the same person. His answer was safety and convenience. <P>That's probably the far extreme on the scales but, I would assume that a similar situation could exist with semi-pros and amateurs, where the man helps out with some expense or shopping sprees rather than straight out cash transactions. <P><BR>BTW - My old boss at the time was on his 3rd wife and last time I saw him he was on his 5th wife. <P>As I sat and thought about this, it just occurred to me how liberal minded I used in my early 20's (pre-marriage). At the time I really looked up to this guy. Professionally this guy was one of the best mentors I've ever had. I'm not sure if I could give him the same chance today.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by louser:<BR><STRONG>H had 2+ year A with secretary. She was in love with him, but H says it was only Sex. He says he said "certain" things to keep the relationship going. He swears he never told her he loved her (he didn't say he loved me either)<BR>He also says he always told her it would never be anything more than what it was.<P>It was: 2+ years of late night sex @ her place or in his car after business meetings<P>It was: 4 1 night "get aways" to hotels (I assumed he was business traveling)<P>It was: Afternoon oral sex on their lunch breaks<P>It was: Her getting pregnant, but having an abortion before she told him<P>It was: Finally over when she moved away.<P>I have been trying to get my H to admit that it HAD to be more than just sex. He has told me everything about all his A's (4). I know if he holds this truth in about the emotional part of the A he will never heal & I don't think we can go on.<P>Any words of wisdom?<P>Lisa<P>Good to be back...Sorry to see that most of us haven't progressed much. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>True love requires passion ,intimacy and commitment sounds like this one had only passion and that soon burns itself out so Iwould say it was a non event in then relationship stakes

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by louser:<BR><STRONG>H had 2+ year A with secretary. She was in love with him, but H says it was only Sex. He says he said "certain" things to keep the relationship going. He swears he never told her he loved her (he didn't say he loved me either)<BR>He also says he always told her it would never be anything more than what it was.<P>It was: 2+ years of late night sex @ her place or in his car after business meetings<P>It was: 4 1 night "get aways" to hotels (I assumed he was business traveling)<P>It was: Afternoon oral sex on their lunch breaks<P>It was: Her getting pregnant, but having an abortion before she told him<P>It was: Finally over when she moved away.<P>I have been trying to get my H to admit that it HAD to be more than just sex. He has told me everything about all his A's (4). I know if he holds this truth in about the emotional part of the A he will never heal & I don't think we can go on.<P>Any words of wisdom?<P>Lisa<P>Good to be back...Sorry to see that most of us haven't progressed much. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>True love requires passion ,intimacy and commitment sounds like this one had only passion and that soon burns itself out so Iwould say it was a non event in then relationship stakes