I am still struggling with an issue that is happening at my place of work. I'll try very hard to condense this situation.<P>Our dept. assistant is married with 2 teenage kids. Her H is my son's godfather. He is my ex-h's best friend. I was instrumental in getting her a job here. (I regret this now)<P>This lady is now in an affair with another man here that is also married with 4 children (oldest is 16) About a month ago this other man filed for divorce. Whether this is gossip or not, I was told that these two have been "seeing" each other since December of last year. I cannot confirm nor deny that. I do "know" that they are in fact seeing each other, but do not know the extent of the affair, emotional or physical. I do have my opinions, but to everyone else it's definately physical.<P>I struggle everyday with working with this individual. It's even more difficult that I am a management person and am in a supervisory role with her. The company will not get involved with matters of moral issues. I've already looked into that.<P>Now I wonder if I should perhaps mention this to her H? Or my ex-H? See, I think given that the reason my ex and I are divorced is because of his affair, I am so angry that I see her doing this to her H.<P>Am I even justified to say anything at all, or should I mind my own business?<P>I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom...<P>Thanks.

Not sure if these are words of wisdom, or not. But my input would be a big old MYOB!! For your sake. Your heading says it all - being the messenger in this situation will be a losing proposition for you. <BR>However, that said, I would take her into your office and as her supervisor (and family friend) tell her that there are rumors around the office regarding this relationship. You can say it in a way that doesn't indicate whether you know it to be true or not. Just that you are letting her know that people are talking. I would caution her about the dangers of this perception (like - even if it isn't true, what people think) and how it is sure to get back to her H. Here is where you could be the "wise, experienced one" and offer your own relationship as an example of what this does to a marriage.<BR>If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I would have to stick with say nothing. I know there are BSs out there who would advise you to tell the H. I can understand that, but you being her manager and all AND the fact that you don't have specific proof. Plus, we never know what really goes on in someone else's house and he may already know.<BR>Just too risky.<BR>My .02

Wiffle - thanks for your input. I have already talked to her about "rumors" about this. She laughed it off as "rumors are just that, not the truth"...<P>And you are right in saying this is a very unfortunate position I am in. I really hate being stuck here, especially as her supervisor. <P>Maybe I should encourage her to seek a "promotional" opportunity outside this department?<P>Any other thoughts...???

Skipper,<BR>If you have already talked to her in your supervisory position, then you have done all you can. Since she denies that anything is happening, it would do no good to talk to her H as you would just be interferring and it could jeopardize your own job.<BR>When promotional opportunites come up in other departments that you feel she would be suitable for, you could bring those to her attention and let her know that you feel she would be great in that job.<BR>But that is about all you can do at the moment. As long as she is denying anything is going on, there is nothing you can really do.<P>That's my 2 cents worth.<BR>Debbie

Skipper,<P>I'm not sure this will help much but let me tell you what happened in my situation. My W (the WS) told her supervisor of the A she was having with one of her students. My W is employeed by a state grant to teach and do community intervention work. The supervisor basically recommended how to minimize impact of her A on her work and how to be discrete and avoid letting anyone else find out. I did not find out that the supervisor knew anything about the affair until several months after D-day. Soon after D-day, this is a person that my W said I should talk with because he would be very understanding of my thoughts and emotions. Had I known that this man knew of the A while my W and OM were seeing each other, I probably would not have gone to him and sought comfort and advice. Afterall, I think in a way he was condoning my W actions. Now I am angry with him. His actions seemed to show that he was more concerned with the possibility of the state supported project that he was heading up losing funding and credibility because of my W's actions than actually putting more pressure on my W to stop the affair because it put the project at risk. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!<P>IMHO, as a supervisor, I would wait until I had 100% proof of the affair before going to the spouse with the information. I would however make it clear to the employee that I was going to do this and give them a chance to break the news first. This said, I would only take this action if I knew the employee well, not just a new hire. Sorry, I'm almost just trying to vent here.<BR>SG

Thanks for all the advise. But shy of catching them "in the act" or on a security videotape, it's really her word against the rumors...<P>I do know for a fact, I personally have seen her car here hours past her "out time" and have also seen her car here on weekends (her regular days off) Ironically (?) this other mans' car also just happens to be here at the same times... Coincidence? I doubt it. But again, unless they are caught "in the act" what can I do?<P>Probably nothing.