No, not that kind of hard place! Get your mind out of the gutter! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<P>My H and I argue constantly over a particular friend I spend time with. Because, of course, this friend is male. Not, just to confirm, we are ONLY friends. For those of you who don't believe members of the opposite sex can only be friends... I'm telling you it's possible. In 5 years, he has never shown any sexual interest in me and I am certainly only interested in him because we have a lot of things in common that don't interest my husband... such as literature and our careers.<P>So, anyhow, I only see this friend maybe 2x per month and we talk on the phone a couple times a month as well. And everytime he tries to make plans with me, I have argue with my husband about it. My H assures me that he doesn't think there's anything going on between me and the friend. But he doesn't like me spending time with other men, especially if it takes time away from him. So then I keep cancelling plans on my friend because I don't want the hassle of arguing with my H. Well the friend is getting pissed off about this and makes me feel very guilty.<P>I thought maybe it would be okay if friend hung out with me and H together. Like come over for dinner and such. But the couple times I've tried that it was obvious that friend wasn't comfortable (he knows my H doesn't like me hanging out with him afterall) and H just doesn't seem to like him -- they are very different personalities and I think my H finds him kinda obnoxious. So doing things together doesn't work and H doesn't like me going out with him alone.<P>Do I have to lose this friend to keep peace in my marriage? Do I even want to keep this friend if they expect me to spend time with them without my H around? Any insights?

Actually I believe that it is possible to be "just friends" without ever becoming an emotional or physical affair, so I will answer based on the assumption that you are truthful about your own feelings and correct about how you believe your friend feels.<P>However, I am quite a hard liner when it comes to the marriage relationship.<P>Basically, what ever is not GOOD for the marriage, is most likely bad for the marriage. When it comes to friends outside the marriage (same or opposite sex), ask yourself these questions:<P>Is my friend fully supportive of my marriage? Does he/she encourage me to honor my vows and honor my mate, or does he/she find fault, overtly or covertly, with my mate? Does my friend respect my marriage and my commitment, or does she/he act like a wedge?<P>Then consider your H. What message are you sending to him in regards to your own priorities? Is the relationship you have with your friend make him feel more or less loved and respected by you? Even if he "trusts" you and even your friend, do you think he has a point about the time and energy you put into this relationship?<P>Finally, maybe your vows had something about "forsaking all others". Of course this meant other romantic relationships, but I believe the deeper meaning is one of priority. When you are married, you make the marriage the priority relationship. Can you honestly say you are doing this?<P>Finally, my H has pretty much dropped a friend because it the friend caused friction between us by dividing us, rather than supporting us. It was a man, not a woman. For years, we went round and round on this issue. When I finally explained how I felt about this relationship (drinking buddies) based on pretty much what I had posted, my H finally "got it". When he thought about it, he realized his friend didn't respect marriage, especially our marriage since he didn't like me, and my H finally saw how this friend intentionally set up situations that created friction. I think my H still may wish he could be friends with this guy, he found him intelligent, quick witted and fun. But he also believes our marriage is more important, so he let this guy go.<P>My point in this story is to emphasis that the relationship itself is a problem, even without the added factor that yours is a male/female relationship.<P>Give it some thought...<p>[ October 16, 2001: Message edited by: FaithHopeLove ]

This sounds like the same sitution I faced in my marriage. A guy that I thought was an as*, but my wife saw as fun. I avoided him as mch as possible. My wife said they were just buddies until they started having sex. I don't know if you are the ws or bs but if you are the bs I agree with your H and you should stay away from him.