I was remembering back to a post you sent me a few days ago about how your WH went into a deeper fog after the OW started to put extra pressure on him. Could you tell me a little more about it?<P>The reason I ask is that, if you remember my WH was starting to come out of the fog and wanting to spend more time with me. I ended up cancelling our anniversary dinner and had no contact with him for 3 days after(he still lives with OW).<P>He's started to come around again but he's acting stranger than ever. He's in a real hurry to get in and out of the house when he's over to do his bookkeeping and he's got that 'fog' look in his eyes again.He acts like he's plotting a huge bank robbery or something.<P>I know that his OW may be layed off because her business is going to go bankrupt today.My WH has business connections with her and is loosing some business because of it.<BR>It's a little scary.<BR>How long did it take your H to decide to end it after she started the extra pressure?<P>How do you suggest I conduct myself during this continued craziness?<BR>I am presently trying to just concentrate on my own life and be casually friendly when I see him.

UP!

HI Maezy- My H first consulted a lawyer about a month after he had been out of the house. ( last March) He then thought about filing for about 6 wks before he actually did so - April 13- that whole time he was living at OW's condo and she was putting lots of pressure on him to divorce me though I didnt know it at the time.She had taken a job transfer in order to try to get him to 'choose' one of us'. So she let him stay at her condo and she would come back on the weekends. H visited our home often to see the kids and was just like how your H is- he had trouble looking me in the eyes and whenever I would mention our marriage he would claim it was 'hopeless' and counseling couldnt help and did I want to agree to a dissolution( cheaper mutual divorce) ? I told H NO WAY it was either marriage or an all out contested divorce. I also got a lawyer who told me he could make H move out within a few wks. ( He moved back home but refused to end the A because he was worried his being out of the house would affect his chances of custody.) I stayed in a casual type Plan A during this time. Though I would cry my guts out every time he left for OW. Could your H be planning to get your financial stuff info so he can file? In the papers that info is required to file. My H secretly took a bunch of stuff of mine out of the house. I pay the bills so he had to kind of "hunt' for some of it.I suspect your H is either getting ready to file on you or is thinking about breaking up with OW but isnt sure he wants to re-commit to your marriage because he is still thinking how unhappy he was before the A. My H took a few months to really feel sure he wanted our marriage again. I know its hard to wait thru all that. But we have 15 yrs of marriage and 3 kids- I'm glad I waited. Good luck- lifeismessy

Thanks for responding,lifeismessy<BR>I know H can't file for D until spring because of laws here in Alberta. WS's have to wait a full year to file. H has never mentioned D (it would be to his financial disadvantage to do this and money is a big need of his).<BR>I know that, like your H mine is unsure about coming home because he mentioned how the house brought back bad memories for him.<BR>I think he may be plotting some kind of business scheme with her. I don't really know what. He seems politely distant from me right now. (His business is OUR business and I'm worried he might do something to loose what we've worked hard for-although this is not my first priority))<P>Do you think it would make any difference to him if I was in a casual type plan A as you were, or in a full blown plan B?<BR>I have set boundaries on him moving home. Is this enough?

Well I am glad you dont think your H is getting ready to file for D on you- it is a possibility though that you need to consider. I think its great Canada has a one year waiting period- I wish they had that here in the states. BTW- I live in northeast OH so I"m not far from Canada here! As long as your H has not quit paying your household bills and is polite with you I dont think you should quit talking to him. Do a diluted plan A- pretend he's a casual friend when he comes over. When my H was living out of the house I could have changed the locks but I didnt. I could have refused to let him have any dinner I had cooked- but I didnt. I DID want him to live elsewhere until he firmly made up his mind but I didnt see the point in punishing him when he came over- why would he want to come home then? Dont lavish attention on him but dont shut him out altogether either. Realize that deep down he is extremely conflicted.My H tells me he saw me changing myself for the better yet was quite unsure that I meant it. OW kept telling him that when he had moved back in I just wanted him for the house and $$$ and would ditch him a few months later after he moved back in.Think about how confused your H must be!!! How long have you been married? Any kids? Is your H in his mid forties? lifeismessy

Thanks lifeismessy<BR>Yes, H is 46 yrs. I'm 44. We have 3 children in their early 20's.<P>H started his A just after our youngest moved out of the house and our D got married. We were suddenly empty nesters and suddenly he started saying things to me like, "The kids are grown up now. I can do what I want!"<BR>This was totally out of character for him. <P>-full blown MLC!<BR>We've been married 26 years now.<BR>I appreciate your input about how to behave towards him. This is what I stress over the most. Some say I have to get tough and others say to go back to plan A. I feel comfortable with your approach.<P>I do believe my H's OW is telling him the exact same things about me and how I only want him for his money.<P>What kind of changes did you make in yourself? How long were you married when A happened? Was your H in MLC too?<P>Thanks again.

Hi Maezy- I see our life situations are similar. I am 38, H is 43. Our kids are 14, 10 and 4. My H is definitely MLC- his last remaining parent died right before we took our latest job transfer and he never grieved that properly. He's always been devoted to getting ahead in his career and trying to achieve. We've been married 15 years and I've been a SAHM who has moved around for H's job promotions. I believe that the type of affair our H's are having are called split self affairs- the therapist Emily Brown writes about these in her books which you can order from the online bookstores. You would learn alot from her. She describes these types of affairs to a T and the underlying reasons for them. At first I thought my H was in an exit affair because on d-day he said he was leaving me for her and our marriage was over in his head. WOW huh? But that has NOT proven to be the case in the long run. If I were you I would stay in a diluted plan A as long as possible. I think forcing the big decisions would only lead you quicker to D. Some things in life take alot of TIME.Life is not static and even if you dont do anything drastic he will come to a decision or OW will pressure him and speed it up for your benefit. I have 15 years of marriage in with my H- no way was I going to give that up for a year of insanity from him. He tells me every day now that he thanks God that I didnt divorce him earlier. lifeismessy

Maezy- I made many changes in myself. I got on a strong antidepressant/anxiety med called effexor. I began conquering my fears about driving further and getting lost in our new state. I grew my hair longer the way H prefers and totally re-did my wardrobe. Started going to church more to gain inner strength. I quit talking about things in our past that H was tired of hearing about. And started doing things on my own more. lifeismessy

Thanks for your help, lim<P>I am really interested in this split self idea. I will look into finding these books.<BR>My H has also always been workaholic.I have stayed home at least part time through the years. I do need to be more patient.<BR>Thank you for your sensible advice.!<BR>Connie