I'm looking for suggestions.Here's what's happened so far....<BR>-WH moved out on d-day, 8 months ago<BR>-plan Aed for 6 months<BR>-plan B#1 -broken by me<BR>-plan B #2-started to revisit me saying he was in the process of leaving her <BR>-plan B #3-he hasn't paid much attention to it<P>WH continues to come over when he wants. He is always polite and gives me a hug. He pays all the bills, then he goes home to her.<P>Part of me says just ignore it and ride it out until it's over, and part of me says I need to do something drastic to snap him into reality and let him know I won't stand for it.<P>What drastic thing could I possibly do now? I know I can't control him but maybe I need to let him know in a new way that I will not tolerate this. My 20ish children say I should make him jealous. I do not want to actually date but I could make him wonder.-even that might not phase him.<P>I can't see plan B #4 having any effect.I could move away but it would be extremely complicated. Any thoughts?

Busted plan A is plan A w/ LB's, busted plan B is plan B w/ contacts. I don't see you in plan B at all. However beware of third selfishness ... first is A, second is trashing BS ... third is ... they don't want you but WS make sure you are still his property.<P>Listen to your kid ... go to salon, change your hair color, change your hair style ... you get the picture. Go to gymn, change your dress ... anything to change your look to make yourself attractive and make yourself feel good. However stop short on dating or even sugest that you do. When you are ready, do whatever it take for no contact including moving ... on/off on plan B is the same as plan A w/ occasional LB.<P>Does MB help you doing your plan B ?.

Thankyou redhat.<P>Your advice is very sensible.<BR>I managed to make it through plan A without many LB's but I'm really messing up with the LBing and contact in Plan B.<P>Yes- MB is still a help. I think I am tired and so it gets easier to make mistakes.

Dear MAEZY,<BR>Time to go back to drawing board, plan up well your plan A again for sometime and then go for plan B. You set the time for plan A to undo the LB at the same time you put together solid plan B. If you could afford it, C might be good idea. Steve or Jennifer might be able to help you out or get local C that practice MB. I think I know MB concept inside out but I get their help anyway. I don't want to wait too long on A/B it is too painfull and also I do not want to make mistake.<P>Good luck and God bless you,<BR>Hadi

Hi Maezy,<P>I know you may know this already, but Plan B is for YOU. By the time you set yourself into Plan B you are ready to end meeting any needs you have provided to your WH AND you are ready to move ahead with or without your marriage, in addition there should be NO CONTACT from WS.<P>HUGS??? Isn't that a need of his? Why are you allowing him to still come over?<P>Don't mean to sound stern, just trying to help, honest.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

ooooh, forgot to ask ... did you send your WH a Plan B letter, Hon?<P>Jo

Here you go Maezy .. this is taken directly from an article by Steve Harley on this Site:<P>In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan. <P>But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the betrayed spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again. <P>Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the wayward spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other. <P>So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B. <P>Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B. <P>Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis? <P>While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."<p>[ October 17, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Thanks again, you guys.<BR>I do believe that I will be in plan B now, but not sure in what capacity.<BR>I'm feeling less stressed, even happy, sometimes now. I feel I could carry out plan B without missing him too much. <BR>I still firmly believe that he will return to me but I'm not quite sure what to do in the meantime. <BR>Yes, I have written him 3 plan B letters, and so I think it's getting a little old. <BR>Maybe I should just talk to him this time, or just carry on as if I don't need him at all, act happy and uninterested, or maybe I should tell him to get lost!! I wonder if it's enough for me to have him meet certain criteria once he wants to come home and just avoid him in the meantime.<P>The good news is that he knows I will not settle for his 'friendship' with her if we are to recouple, as he wanted me to. I've made this very clear.<P>Any more suggestions would be welcome. I want to really think about what I do next, this time, so I'll be sure and stick by it.<P>You guys are great!