My hs secret lasted 30 years the first part of the A 6 years of heavy duty sexual activity after work a couple of times a month (i did not have a clue)starting when children were 2 and 9 respectively. This lasted for 6 years and ended without discovery . I was 34 and very preoccupied with family, she 24 hot to trot and very available my h 15 years older than her and very flattered by her attention.My h maintains that it was a completely separate life that he had with her and that when he was with her he never thought about me and when with me he never thought of her .I maintain that his behaviour during that time was heavily affected by his A he was distant and very short tempered there was often very tense and unpleasant atmosphere at home which I believe has affected the children in later life.I would like to hear from any one with similar experience. I am really now trying to make sense of events which happened without my knowledge many years ago but feel the resonances continue to have negative effects for a very long time..

Hi,<P>I have been with my H 17 years, nearly ten of them married. Before we got married he was unfaithful to me three times, but I was too stupid to see the signs, even when I got two STD's!!! (Minor ones, so he could whiotewash them).<P>We had difficulties before marriage, and I could never pinpoint wht, but now I see that he was carrying his secrets and it was a burden. It still is...he doesn't know I KNOW now.<P>WS's will ALWAYS justify their crap. It makes me sick to think that I was so naive, but I guess it helps me to understand why he had two A's recently. He's just made that way, and it is nothing to do with me being a rotten spouse. HE is the rotten spouse.<P>Yes, I am in the angry stage AGAIN!!!!<BR>Love and light to you, though,<P>Jacky

Oh yea, that describes my H to a T!! That's how I found out about his affair this time. He was being ugly to all of us when he came home. He was only home for three days of the week. He spent every weekend away from us last year. Now I know why. Usually he would distance himself emotionally and physically from myself. He would sleep in the other bedroom under the pretense that I had done something horrible. When I was finally so miserable--I couldn't stand it anymore---he would leave some sort of evidence around that I would just happen to find. Then he would go balistic and accuse me of losing it. He would say that I needed to see a shrink. Oh....when I think back on it---he must have loved that game. He liked to see me hurting. In some strange way, it definitely gave him some type of pleasure. <P>Anyway, anytime my H was having an affair, he was mean, distant, ugly and short-tempered to me and the kids. When the thought would finally hit me that he was having another affair--he would blow up and create situations to justify his affair. It was insane. <P>I don't know why he was like that. We always loved him and supported him. I don't believe that I stood by him for way too long. I wish I had gotten out years ago. I am still horribly sad by this whole thing. He has got to know that we were there for him....if not...he is dumb on top of everything else.

Thankyou for the input. I am trying to create a time line starting from the beginning and working through the various stages with my h.This early stage is the hardest one to discuss with him because he becomes angry and very defensive he starts by denying that there was a problem or failing that he blames me.He asserts that by keeping the affair secret and spending the majority of his time with the family he has been a good father to his children but I contend that is not so.We had to accommodate this invisible cuckoo in the family who drained away his attention and energy I believe she caused untold damage. She was 15 years younger than my h and 15 years older than my son I consider this to be an inapprpriate age difference it puts her halfway between being a child and a partner .She was very impressed by his professional status and gave him unqualified admiration and totally undivided attention in fact she really was doing the work of a geisha but unlike a prostitute she allowed herself to become emotionally involved but with a figment of her imagination.He is capable of great charm so she has never seen the other side of his character which is emotionally abusive in that he tries to make me feel that I am mentally fragile and that my way of seeing things is flawed.<BR> Fortunately for me I have, until recently, maintained my sense of integrity by having my own job and virtually my own life as well as the one I shared with him Unfortunately this year two major events for me have been ceasing to work and discovering this very long standing affair. Needless to say my equilibrium is severely challenged. It has been an enormous help to me to find others in the same and in worse circumstances. It is almost as if we have the same disease the symptms are identical .This is where my h will have to admit that my perceptions are shared by others and that I am not neurotic or crazy and hopefully he will be able to see my point of view, take responsibility for his actions, feel some degree of shame for what he has done and apologise for the damage caused by this early part of his other relationship.At the moment I still think that he is clinging to the idea that he was entitled to his separate life that it didnt harm anybody and did him a lot of good.Although he was somewhat shame faced after seeing the Australian film LANTANA it is a film about betrayal which has a very powerful message .The main character is a detective who cheats on his wife in a casual affair .When the a comes to light he is accused of p***ing on his family those are my sentiments exactly and I feel that I cant move on until my h can see it my way.

H20, how did you become aware of your h&#8217;s A? Did you find out or did he finally tell you. I have 5 small children & d-day was 9/10/01, that&#8217;s right the night before the wtc attaches. I held my pain in because nobody wanted to hear about the war in my marriage. My H confessed because I new he had a secret life. I sensed it. We had a GREAT!!! Marriage. Never fought, always together on his days off. I begged him that night to give me the dignity of the truth. I was fed information that it was somebody close to us, it wasn&#8217;t. It took crying & begging to make him confess & holy s&#8212;t, I wasn&#8217;t prepared for what he told me. He said that the problem was him & not the person who I was accusing him of being with. He told me that she told him that he must fix his problem in the marriage & not go outside. Yes she was aware that he wasn&#8217;t faithful to me. Anyway he had a total of 3A&#8217;s. 1 brief 1 lasting 1-½ yrs the other 2 ½ yrs. All the while I am at home bringing up his incredible children. As a matter of fact my H always wore his hospital wristband a month after each of or children were born. Excuse me for my next crud comment but he was F- - K - - G her & displaying his new father ship on his wrist at the same time. He is wrong enough but SHE must be some kind of MONSTER. He was distant even ignoring me for days on end claiming that he was stressed out from work ECT&#8230; He gets quite like that instead of starting a fight. I noticed that he was on a short leash with the kids but come to think about it that started when the A&#8217;s stopped. He needs sex!!! Boy would I like to march up to their doors with all 5 children & say look what you assisted in doing, running 5 precious lives. I will survive. He claimed that they were lonely & needed a clean sex partner. He claimed that it was only sex, no romance, and no gifts. Who knows at this point? Ounce you have been so wronged it is hard to become right again.