I would 1st like to apologize for the double post. Originally posted in divorce/ divorcing<BR>A member suggested that I post in general questions, so here goes. I am not trying to stereotype the men as cheaters, so please do not take it that way. It&#8217;s just that I have been cheated on & would like to better understand why.<BR>I would particularly like to get men&#8217;s point of views on why men cheat. I truly need to understand this. Please revile why you cheated, if there are any cheaters out there. Woman&#8217;s point of views are always welcome but I really would like to hear it from a mans point of view. Woman & men are so opposite in their needs, I think! This will help me understand why my husband had his affairs.TIA!<BR>Bula

Bula,<P>interesting post - and needs a long answer for which I don't have the time right now. However, you could also ask the same question about women - why do women cheat? <P>The answer also isn't simple and not something which can be generalised but if you wanted to (or need) to do this (be generalised that is) you could probably say, because the OP met the WS needs - whether these needs are ENs or SFs, they were met. If your H cheated on you ask him directly why he did this. You probably won't get a straight answer (unfortuneatley), you'll also probably get a certain degree of the fog influencing what he says but try it anyway. <P>Why I cheated isn't simple and there's a lot of pain involved but basically I feel like my role in the family is to feed the bank. If I do that then I'm doing fine and don't get snapped at. Otherwise, my W spends time with her friends (which includes other men) and family and every now and then I get a look in on her time. Lucky me. If I'm really lucky I sometimes get rewarded with sex. <P>When somebody else came along and showed me a lot more care, attention and interest than my W has been doing for the past few years it wasn't easy to say no when she took me to her hotel room. It wasn't right what I did - I still made those choices - and in the short term it did feel good.<P>Harley discusses how this can happen in his book His Needs Her Needs - do you have a copy? - he also discusses the needs sets (I think) of both men and women very well. There's also a lot of information on this site which discusses these too.<P>I think the question I'm trying to ask now is what are my Ws needs and since I haven't been meeting some of these in the past how can I meet them now. I'm also working on having my W understand my needs and how we need to work on these too. It's not easy for either of us.<P>Where are you with your H?<P>- Freddy.<P>PS. Welcome to MB - although I also feel like a newbie here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]

Bula, <BR>First of all, Welcome to MB. Secondly, I am sorry that you are feeling the pain of infidelity. Our thoughts go out to you!!<P>I think that there may be some differences in men and women, but I think you will find many similarities here in WS, no matter what sex. It's sort of like AA, in that both men and women can be alcoholics and you will see many similarities in why?<P>For me, as a male that is (new term) RWS, (Repentant Weak Spouse)... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] there were many issues, some which I was not even aware of at the time.<P>Some issues were my own..need for attention and intimacy, which was not being met in my M, need for acceptance (from earlier years of being abandoned), fears that nothing lasts in my life, fears of abandonement. I am not justifying my behavior, it was wrong as 7 Kinds of He!!, but there are reasons for what I did. After a lot of soul searching, truth seeking, and self repair work, I realized many things about me. <P>It did not help that the cheating occurred with someone that knew the right buttons to push and how to play on my weaknesses to help me become even weaker and more dependent on her filling those missing needs. If you read many posts here from other WS, you will see that there are a great many commonalities from sexual addictions to EN being met. Read as much as you can here...it can only help. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Bula..<P>I am sorry that you are going through this! I was the BS and my ex-wife had at least 1 affair that I know about during our marriage! <P>To answer your question, There are good, decent young and older guys out there that still have traditional values and they actually respect their marriage vows. <P>I have very very strong views opposing affairs in marriage. The reason why is that there is NO EXCUSE for affairs at all! I don't care what the reason is, i.e. lack of intimacy, affection, whatever, AFFAIRS ARE WRONG AND THEY HURT EVERYONE INVOLVED including the WS in the end! <P>I am so tired of people giving excuses for their affair! WAKE UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY PEOPLE! <P>I wish you the best! take Care<P>Bryan

Bula..<P>Men who cheat have very very low self-esteem and self worth, along with a lack of respect for themselves, their spouse and their family, as well as their Marriage vows!<P>Simple as that!<P>Bryan

Freddie,<BR>Allot of what you said I've heard before from my husband.<P> EX: I feel like my role in the family is to feed the bank. <P>Well if you are talking in the respect of providing, that is how it was taken. Yes he does provide & that he does well. We have 5 small children, all planed except for our last precious oops! A big beautiful house & several other assets. We have been together 14 years. I put him through collage & now I am a stay at home mom.<P>Otherwise, my W spends time with her friends (which includes other men) and family.<P>I wish I had that lug jury. I spend time with my children, other than that, I don't have a life! I'm not complaining, I've adapted! As for my family, they are all gone except for cousins scattered around.<P>If I'm really lucky I sometimes get rewarded with sex.<P>You hit a nerve on that one Freddie. That is our problem. Sex is infrequent with us & it isn't him, by all means. His sex drive is through the roof. It is me. At the end of my tiring day of being hung onto & mommied all day, when it is time to have a little piece of me back, my husband wants a piece. His piece can last the rest of the night. Most women would consider me lucky. Why don't I? <BR>His problem is that he is a horrible communicator. He never told me that he had, or should I say we had a problem. Maybe I could have fixed it. Instead, he took care of his sexual need on the side with 3 affairs spanning 3 of my 5 children. <P>Where are you with your H?<P>I am at the shock, I hate you for doing this to us, what the h--l am I going to do stage. Fluctuating between, I can fix this to get your cheating hands off of me to who would even consider spending there life with me, if it comes to it, with my precious cargo, all 5. H wants to try but I am scared to death. I thought that I really new this man. WE HAD A GREAT MARRAGE!!!!!I'm the happy idiot, cleaning, cooking, wiping tussies, and nursing an infant. I can't believe that my best friend wronged me so badly! I also have been told that most people on this sight are men who have been cheated on. That shocks me. I must be living on a different planet. The planet that takes there vows seriously. I'm not judging anybody for what they have done, I'm just in disbelief. My husband&#8217;s message to me was if you don't get your needs met in the marriage you get them met outside the marriage. B---S---.He quoted to me once, if you can&#8217;t eat at home you go out to a restaurant. Does that mean that I can have an emotional A with a stranger because I do not remember the last time I was wined & dined with good conversation? My conversations are to the beat of I love you, you love me where a happy family with a great big hug & a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me to. If you think that I've gone made, I haven't. It is a song from Barney, just in case you didn't know. Anyyyyway my H is running a drop scared because he never imagined life without me & I don't know if & when I will heal. After all sex got us into this mess & now after what he did sex will finish us. I can't sleep with him & my imagination at the same time. I need closure & that will be meeting her, at least the last one, which will never happen, according to my husband. I just want to see her, even from a distance. What I really would like to do is ring her bell with all 5 of my kids & like a lady show her how many lives she destroyed with this affair. Sorry that I vented on you Freddie but I feel lighter now. I hope that you enjoy this beautiful day! By for now.<BR>Bulla

Bula, <P>Thank you for seeking to understand the weakness in your WS, there are no real justifications for having the A, no excuse that makes it a reasonable action. you must decide if you want to keep the WS. if you do then understanding their weakness and having the strength to attend to that weaknes either to support or cure it, is a fabulous step forward. I honor you in your quest for knowledge that might make your relationship whole.<P>I cant generalize for others my marriage was abusive and void of intimacy, affection, and communication. and my wife was and may still be just fine with that. and at my lowest point when i was sure i was simply the inconvieniance that came with the paycheck and wouldnt be missed, someone reached out to me and valued me for just being me. she brought admiration, affection, communication, and ultimatly SF. though we were seperated by hundreds somethimes thousands of miles she desired me and touched me every day. something my wife still cannot seem to do.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Men who cheat have very very low self-esteem and self worth, along with a lack of respect for themselves, their spouse and their family, as well as their Marriage vows!<P>Simple as that!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>PB, tsk tsk... why is it that you feel it neccessary to push your bounderies on to others? I get that you couldnt accept the A in your relationship, and you enforced your bounderies by divorcing your W. this woman is seeking to mend her marriage, which i believe is possible if unlike you she can find a way to midigate her spouses weaknesses and support the marriage. she is choosing to do this. You claimed to be one who would protect the BS who was being abused on this board, how is it you can be so judgmental of her choice and maintain that claim? <P>BTW... When did you become an expert on why men cheat? it clearly nothing youll ever experiance right? ultimatly the "Reasons/Excuses" are so broad and diverse your assurtions are arrogant and disrespectful of the woman who asked the question. nothing about this is Simple.<P>Bula, <BR>if you want to save your marriage, follow your heart, use your head, set and maintain your bounderies and be consistent in the application of the concepts that you find applicable and workable for you and your H. <P>dont let the fact that some would not tolorate what your H did be the measure of what you will do. some people cannot some people can do what right for you.

PB,<P>I am sorry that you feel that every WS doesn't take responsibility for the A, and I certainly understand your pain and frustration. I can see that you have very strong views and rightfully so. I think that having strong views, and being understanding are two different things. <P>I am not proud of what I did, nor do I seek to be absolved of what I did. I am responsible for it, I am repentant for it DAILY! I do understand what I did.People do change. Unfortunately, people also get hurt. The best thing I can do now is help others through it. The best I can do is help others understand why and hopefully recover from it, both BS and WS alike. You are correct...lack of self esteem, lack of self worth play into things. Being human, those characteristics play into the experiences of life. I am sorry for what I did, and work everyday to build a new foundation for the future. I fear that what you are feeling says that WS should never be forgiven, in which case there would be no reason for this forum. There are those of us, that regret our decisions and are not looking to justify what they did. But, we do understand some of the whys and are looking to help both BS and WS in any way we can.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by positivebryan:<BR><STRONG>Bula..<P>Men who cheat have very very low self-esteem and self worth, along with a lack of respect for themselves, their spouse and their family, as well as their Marriage vows!<P>Simple as that!<P>Bryan</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bryan -<BR> You are on target! Sometimes things really are simple after you cut through all the extraneous b******t. People can sugarcoat these topics all they want but it comes down to bad behavior. I have seen it countless times. People who have determined to live a moral life don't cheat and don't put themselves in compromising situations. It's simple.

PB,<P>Once, I too walked proud but in darkness. Now I walk knowing what it is to stumble, knowing that the burden of always being strong of being righteous is sometimes not to be human.<P>I am humbled and in that process I've learnt not to judge people. I've learnt not to condemn my W for her mistakes, for her As. I've learnt that she's human too. I've learnt that each of us in marriage needs to take care of our spouses, to show them our love and to protect them from stumbling.<P>I've learnt that I've not been doing a good job in these areas. I'm learning to do a better one.<P>take care,<P>- Freddy

Bula,<P>You can vent on me anyday you like. If it helps you, or anybody else for that matter go ahead.<P>I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I really am. I've lived through 2 As my wife had. And now I'm living through my own failures.<P>I understand the pain that's been inflicted on you. I really do but if you want to save your marriage, if you want your H to be by your side then you've got some work to do. And he has too. If you want him gone then that's another issue.<P>There's a lot of good advice in MB principles which can help you both. It can help you survive an affair and get through the difficult times ahead. Some of this advice, unfortuneatley, I never really understood - now I do.<P>So, what is it to be?<P>- Freddy

Bula, I am not gonna get into the why's..I am the BS.<P>But I would like to offer some encouragment..14 months from dday and having a good recovery.I was very happy, pre A, and had no idea he was so unhappy..Funny, neither did he,til he met her. I digress, sorry.<P>What I want to say is this..I felt every bit as betrayed as you do now,I wanted to do what you want to re:the OW, I said many of the things you want to say and are saying in your mind. The pain is universal and we all have it in commom.But you CAN get past it, it can get better. Don't give up on your H, if he's really repentant. <P>I hate affairs, for childhood history reasons, more than most people. I NEVER thought I could do this but I am and I'm glad I stuck it out. It felt wrong at first, to betray my own values by accepting this crap into my life, but time and hard work from both of you does help.I promise...

Bula,<P>Have you read the MB material on emotional needs, love busters and surviving an affair? It basically says that a person, male or female may cheat if their most important emotional needs are not met. If a person's needs are not met, people are wired to seek someone who will fill the needs. <P>The problem with asking why men cheat (or why women cheat) is that the question is too broad based. Not all men cheat for the same reasons. It is different for each person. For that reason it is very important that you and your husband fill in the emotional needs questionaire. Then you will know why YOUR husband cheated.<P>I honestly believe that there can be other contributing factors as to why a person cheats. Certainly not having emotional needs met are the basis of this. But then other factors can play into it... some people have a sexual addiction. Sexual addition is a way to get constant feed back that they are loveable. It is also a way to get the stimulation needed by people who are ADD, bi-polar, or depressed. Some people are too afraid to invest in one relationship. Some people are addicted to drugs or alcohol and it often puts them in compromising positions when their good sense is clouded by chemicals.<P>It is good that you are asking. Then you can take what you see in others and apply it to the MB emotional needs questionaire.<P>my 2 cents<P>Z