OK, I just read *After the Affair.* The thing most noticeable to me was the assumption, throughout the entire book, that there is always some "underlying cause" for the affair and you must find out what went wrong in the marriage that caused one spouse to stray.<P>Now, I could believe this was true in some cases - that the marriage was already troubled and sour and unsupportive, and one (or both) spouses used that situation as an excuse to have an A. In that case, they do need to fix the problems and just plain learn how to be married.<P>But - after exhaustive soul-searching, I can honestly say that this was not the case in my own marriage. We have always been very, very good together, always enjoying each other's company and building a good life together after literally starting with nothing.<P>We were fine so long as we were physically together. But once he started climbing the corporate ladder, the minute he walked into that place every day he also walked into life #2.<P>And oh, what a place that was for him! When he realized that he could be married at home and single at work, and that it was ALL OK because THEY WORKED TOGETHER AND NOBODY COULD SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT - hotdamn, life was just perfect!<P>There was no unhappiness driving this poor man to the arms of another woman. There was only a gigantic ego helping itself to the office bimboes because he convinced himself that he was entitled and it was all ok.<P>So, here is today's question: Was your marriage shaky before the A started? Or did one partner stray just because they could, simply because it was fun and exciting and they saw no reason not to?<P>thanks<BR>psycho_b

psycho, I can definitely relate to you. I thought that my marriage was perfect! Not just good - perfect! I thought I was the greatest husband in the world. I worked hard, made enough money that she could stay home, I was a gentleman to her, the sex was great, we got along like soulmates, we had a blast, no matter what we did, and I 100% didn't suspect there was even a CHANCE of anyone having an affair in our marriage til D-Day.<BR>If anyone seemed susceptible to an affair, it was me. I was becoming unhappy with how my wife was spending so much time online chatting, and not getting a job or going to school like she wanted to. I felt like I was being TOO good to her. <P>But there was something wrong. Very wrong. While we seemed to get along so great on the surface and still do, we never really talked. We never talked about our pain and hurt and troubles, or anythign serious. We were just like friends, but not serious friends. I don't know what I did to make her feel as if she couldn't talk to me, but I did something. I got so carried up in life, and became so confident of our love, that I just let her go and do her thing.<P>I honestly believe that the Harleys are right. There IS a reason for it all. People don't just go and have affairs because it makes them feel good and boosts their ego. They are unhappy to begin with. And when the opportunities arise, then they take them.<P>I had opportunities to have an affair, as well. But I didn't take them because I was still happy in my marriage and wanted to keep it. <P>So what really causes affairs? It's different in every case. But mostly, it is because one or both spouses have let go of the little things that holds a marriage together. The opening the doors, or the little notes, or whatever, and that leads to feeling unattractive and unappreciated. And then the walls go up and communication stops. And resentment builds... and so on.<P>You might not find that reason yet, psycho_b. But with time, you'll start to realize just what your husband was unhappy with, in your marriage. ANd you'll see what drove him to do what he did. My only hopes is that you, and I, are able to somehow correct those problems and convince our spouses that things can be different.