I have posted this on Plan A/B site but havent had alot of replies. So I am hoping you guys can give me some advice. I just dont know what to do.<P>My H left me 5 months ago, saying he didnt love me anymore we had only been married 2 years and together for 4. We have an 18 month old baby girl. I had postnatal depression, and went into withdrawal, and he did the same and thats when he left.<P>After 2 months he asked me to be "friends" in hope that his love would return. So for the last 3 months, I have been meeting him once or twice a week, sometimes on our own, and also with our little girl. We have been getting on so well, like we used to when we first met, except he doesnt show me any affection at all, which really hurts, he wont let me show him any affection. We really enjoy each others company, he says eveything is there except for his love, he says there is no spark, he doesnt have any urge to hold me or kiss me.<P>Anyway last weekend he really hurt me and I realised in the 3 months his feelings havent changed at all. I told him I couldnt be friends anymore, it was to painful for me, and he said it would be like losing his best friend, but not his wife!!! I told him I did not want any contact from him as I have got to get over him, and he understood that. He said if I ever changed my mind and wanted to go back to being friends to let him know, because he does want to love me again.<P>Now I am hurting even more, because I am missing him so much, its like losing him all over again.<P>Have I done the right thing? Would his love ever return? I am so confused. But I dont want him as a friend, I want him as a husband.<P>Should I go back to being friends, even though its painful, or should I continue with the no contact and hope that he will miss me and realise what he had. I am just in so much pain at the moment. I love him so much and I just dont know what to do for right or wrong.<P>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks<P>Lynne<BR>.

Lyndilou:<P><BR>Hi, I didn't want your post to go unanswered. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Anyway, I truly believe that it's all about a tug-of-war between our heads & our hearts. We usually can intelligently rationalize "what" we should do, but our emotions don't let us do the rational thing.<P>It's almost like the WS. They don't think rationally when they cheat it's all about emotions...if they really truly thought intelligently about it they probably wouldn't do it.<P>You have to do what's best for you. Which I know seems so impossible.<P>I know you won't understand this, but I'd much rather be in your shoes than mine.<P>Not at all to minimize your situation, but if my husband left me when he first started cheating (13 years ago)...I would be only 28 years old with a 4 & 3 year old. Now 13 years later plus 2 more kids the problem is so much more complex. The kids are older, I'm older & it's so scary. <P>Please reply & I'll do my best to keep talking.<P>Have you got family/friends to help?<P>Please give me more history if you want. <P>May not be able to reply till later. You know I'm super Mom.<P>Sat.<BR>5:00am-7:00am Hockey w/ 6yr old<BR>7:15 Drive S to H.S. for PSAT'S<BR>11:00 Soccer<BR>1:00 Soccer<BR>2:00 B-Day Party<BR>4:00 Take D to Hairdresser<BR>7:00 Take D to Dance<P>lisa

Lyndilou,<BR>Have you read Surviving An Affair by Harley? I'm assuming the past 3 months were a kind of Plan A. And guess what? From your posting of what your H has said, I see that you are doing it well. <P>You are his best friend.<BR>He want to keep seeing you.<BR>He wants to love you again.<P>Those are postive signs. My H at one time was completely out of love with me, left me, didn't want to work on our marriage, we were in the divorce process. But now 3 1/2 years later we have been back together 17 months and our life is good.<P>Plan A is tough. Very tough. And 3 months of it may be all you can do. <P>Am I understanding that you have begun Plan B, with no contact? How are you going to arrange visitation? Because your child needs him in her life, and he has that right. Some of us without local relatives and not wanting to overburden our friends, have managed the visitation and seeing the spouse by keeping the boundaries up during the hand-off--being cordial, but not personal. Too much conversation nullifies the "no contact", of course. <P>Sometimes when you get worn down, it's just ok to take a break and reexamine what it is you want. It's clear you love your H, and you've liked the contact, even though it hasn't been everything you wanted, you apparently have been meeting some of his Emotional Needs since he thinks of you as a best friend. How many affairs have started with "good friends"? It isn't a neutral relationship and you have history together.<P>Take a few days, keep the no contact, and see what happens with him. Then solidify your decision if you stay Plan A or go B.

Thanks for replying. I really appreciate it. My H is picking up our daughter tomorrow, I have arranged for a friend to be here, to see him when he picks her up and when he brings her back. It will be the first time he has had her on his own in months.<P>Lor, How did you and your H get back together? The trouble is it hurts more having no contact because I miss him so much, maybe he needs the time away from me to truly find what he feels. I dont know. <P>Yes I was trying really hard Plan Aing for the 3 months, with no love busting, but getting absolutely nothing back, which was just tearing me apart. So I couldnt handle being hurt all the time, and have gone to plan B, but really dont know if I have done the right thing or not. It hurts even more not seeing him or having any contact. It has been so hard stopping myself from texting him, telling him how much I love him and miss him. He knows not that anyway. <P>Maybe I should give myself a couple of weeks in Plan B, as you said maybe I should take some time out. You are right,I think I was hurt so many times in Plan A, that the last time was the straw that broke the camels back.<P>But I am hurting so much now, and feel so depressed, its killing me! I have got to be strong for our little girl.<P>I just want him to love me again, and I just dont know how I will ever have his love again!

Bump up please. I really need some help here.

Has anybody else got any advice for me please.

Hi Lyndilou,<P>I also don't want your cry for help go unheard. We're all here for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Let's take some time here and see if we can help. <P>You have two options; walk away in Plan B style or develop a strong Plan A. Either is gonna be hard for you and as you obviously want your man to be with you then it's probably a good Plan A that you need.<P>Your objective during your Plan A is to create that spark in your H. But as you won't be able to Plan A for ever decide on how long you'll try before you go to Plan B. Give it at least 6 months - it'll probably take that long.<P>Ok, so do you know what your Hs needs are? Is it a recreational partner, somebody who meets his affectionate needs, is it sex? Have you explore this with him? Reply with some more information about what he thinks is wrong and let*s work it together [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>hang in there, if he's worth fighting for the don't give up.<P>- Freddy.

Lindylou,<P>I have been reading this thread for a couple of day, and I just didn't know what to say that may help, having just gone into Plan B myself. I know you don't sound ready for that.<P>But I just wanted to send hugs.<P>Keep your head high, and know that you are the stronger.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

bump for lyndilou, where are you?

Thanks Freddy and Jacky for your posts.<P>To answer my H top en is affection, which he wont allow me to show him, because it makes him feel awkward. I have done a really good Plan A for the last 3 months, and become best friends, he really enjoys my company and we get on so well together. He says everything is there except for the spark, he really doesnt love me anymore<P>He is getting frustrated because his feelings are not coming back, he does want them to, and he said he has been trying to force them, which wont work. He told me a month ago that he has no self worth, and doesnt feel he is good enough for me, I wonder if he is depressed, he would not admit it though.<P>I think that possibly when I had postnatal depression, I kept hurting him, so he has put up a wall to stop feeling the pain.<P>He now seems so cold, he doesnt show any emotion at all. I couldnt cope with continually plan Aing, and it was obviouse that his feelings hadnt changed at all, when we get on so well like we used to before we got married, and I cant show him I love him, is just so painful.<P>I just hope that if I stay in Plan B, because over the last 3 months we have got on so well, that he might miss me, and maybe he needs timeout on his own to discover his feelings. <P>I really dont know because both plans are so painful to do. I know people say to try and think of myself, and do things for me, but when you are so sad and depressed you just dont have any motivation to do anything.<P>I am frightened that if I stay in Plan B, then he will just get used to being without me, and just accept the marriage is over, but then again as I have said, he may need some space, when we talked a month ago he said he needed to sort out his self esteem, before, he could sort out his feelings for me.<P>I am just hurting so much, so sad and unhappy, I just want him to come home and love me again. What really hurts me is knowing he doesnt feel the pain and hurt I am going through.<P>I know they say if you love someone set them free, and if they come back it is meant to be, I am so frightened he wont!!<P>Sorry for harping on<P>Lynne

lyndilou,<P>mmmm, I'm still thinking about this. And I'm a little puzzled. What is it, or what was it that got you guys together in the first place? what was the attraction? If you think back to those times together what was it that really ticked between the two of you?<P>I'm not a professional (you know that)but I'm hoping to help you,<P>take care [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>- Freddy

Lyndi,<BR>I've been where you are, hurt, alone, scared. But you know what? Even if you never get your marriage back together, you'll go on. Haltingly at first, but you would find a way. You have a child, and that is one of the best reasons to build a good life, maybe not the life you thought you'd have, but still good.<P>Reaching that point was major for me. Knowing that I would survive without my H. In fact, I felt so confident of that, I served the D papers as we were about 2 years into the bad times, and in our 7th separation.<P>Then we got back together. I'm still wondering a bit on the "how" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]. I had made the decision I was done. I'd done an 18 month Plan A...H obviously moved in & out of the house several times. The last time, that was IT as far as I was concerned.<P>I didn't exactly do Plan B, though I had tried to 2 other times. I drew my boundaries, acted "as if" we were divorced, he was no longer my best friend, my lover (we'd continued a physical relationship through much of the separations, except the first & last ones), I wasn't his counselor, he wasnt my confidant, just the father of my kids.<P>It was a big change in attitude for me. My H had a complete change of heart and turnaround, he discovered he did want the marriage, the family. He didn't want me having a romantic relationship with the male friend I had (very ill-advised on my part, don't do that).<P>My H began to Plan A me, he also went to counseling on his own, took his anti-depressants, got through his OW withdrawal, went to a men's Bible study, was very accountable to me, even though I wasn't exactly asking for that anymore...you can read his posts in GQII, his name is Guard in Feb & March 2000. I stopped seeing the guy, and 2 months later my H moved home, in May 2000.<P>Not exactly a blueprint you can follow, but it is an example of Plan A--both his & mine--working. He said that during my Plan A, even though he wasn't responsive much of the time, he knew I loved him...and that made a difference when it seemed I had finally fallen out of love with him.<P>If you aren't on anti-depressants, you may want to check into that. I was on them for about 6 months Sep 99- Mar 00 and I found it helped me to focus and make my own decisions more clearly--even if I made some poor decisions during that time.<P>Being best friends was probably the biggest part of our relationship during the bad times. And it is what we are rebuidling on.

Hi Freddy,<P>Thanks for your help.<P>When we first met, we stayed up all night talking.We just laughed at the same things, we just clicked, it is the first time he had been in love, even though he was 27. Within 2 weeks he new he loved me. We could just talk about anything, and we would be thinking the same things at the same time.We wanted to spend every minute of every day together. We just hit it off straight away. it was like we had known each other for years, we were so comfortable with each other.<P>I hope this helps

Lyndi,<P>that helps a lot. If that was true then, why isn't it like that now? If you guys aren't clicking in the same way it seems to be connected with your postnatal depression and his. Did he have a depression?<P>If he loved you once, after two weeks of knowing you, he can love you again. I know he can do this - we just have to work on regaining that distance between you and him so that you find your soulmate again [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Are you getting help for the postnatal effects? It's not easy to deal with the birth of a child, or the immediate after effects. It can be pretty daunting and needs a lot of support. Are your family helping or are they hindering? Are you guys seeking professional help?<P>Basically, I think you guys need to start living together again. You need to start building bridges together and bonding by spending time together. Is that possible now?<P>- Freddy<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]

Hi Freddy,<P>Thanks again for your input I really appreciate it.<P>Yes I am on anti-depressants, I feel my H is depressed at the moment, but he wouldnt admit to it or get help.<P>There is no way he would move back in, when he doesnt have any feelings for me, he wouldnt want to give me any false hope, and put me through the hurt of him leaving again.<P>Over the last 3 months when we were "friends" he was so worried about doing or saying anything to give me any false hope.<P>I was having counselling on my own, now my H is having counselling on his own, he didnt want to go with me, because he didnt want to say anything that might hurt me. He has promised me he will still carry on with the counselling because he just doesnt know what he feels anymore.<P>So you dont think if I stay in Plan B and give him some time and space it will help him to sort out his feelings?<P>Lynne

Lyndilou,<P>Hugs to you and your baby, lots and lots of them.<P>Indefinite plan A is very, very hard. Plan B is also extremely difficult, for other reasons, as you are living now.<P>For what it is worth, I think that you are in the best position to evaluate what you should be doing. And you seem to have decided that plan B is what you need now. So, I think you should stick with that.<P>Harley's advice on plan B is to keep firm until the A has ended completely and the WS agrees to a detailed MB recovery plan. Do you know whether the A has ended? That is, after all, the starting point for any kind of recovery.<P>If the A has not ended, you have obviously been doing the best plan A you can from a distance and doing a very good job of it, as Lor pointed out. That said, the A is still going on, and each one of us can only take so much of that before our love for the WS risks plummetting to the point of no return. Before that happens, Harley tells us it is time to move to plan B.<P>While you are in plan B, try to work on healing on your own. See an IC, if you are not already. Do some reading about grieving and loss, which is what you are probably feeling, and maybe some reading about the best way to raise a toddler on your own. Hopefully, the former will help you accept and work through some of your hurt and the latter will help to alleviate some of the fears you must have of being alone with your baby girl.<P>Are you seeing women friends or other people in your support network? Do you belong to any clubs or have any hobbies that give you some relieft from waiting on how your H responds to the situation?<P>I know we wrote to one another a while back, when you were trying to resist the urge to contact him constantly. Did you find a few activities to engage in that give you a focus away from your H and the M? What about volunteer work? Is there anything you could devote a few hours a week to? With the Christmas season coming up, perhaps there is a charity project that might interest you and keep you occupied while plan B takes effect.<P>Just some thoughts.<P>You are doing very well, Lyndilou. Please don't forget to take care of yourself.<P>OneDay

Hi Oneday,<P>Yes we meet again. Yes you gave me some very good advice last time we were in touch. Unfortunately, I havent got the motivation to go out and do voluntary work, or any interest in starting a new hobby. I am just feeling so sad and unhappy, and hurting and missing him so much. Im just not interested in doing anything!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <P>My H hasnt had an A, he doesnt love me anymore. I keep asking myself if I have done the right thing by moving to Plan B, or should I of stuck at Plan A and put up with all the pain and hurt.<P>I really dont know what to do for the best.<P>Lynne

I am feeling so depressed today. I havent had hardly any sleep over the last few nights. I am in such a turmoil, keep wondering if I have made the right decision or not.<P>I just feel so low, I just havent the energy to do anything. I just want someone to put me out of my misery.<P>Lynne

Bump up please.<P>I am feeling so desperate. I am frightened if I stay in Plan B, H will forget about me, and get on with his life, but then again, this is what he might need to sort out his feelings.<P>I am so unhappy and miserable.<P>Somebody please help me

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>