Will the WS ever be trusted again? My H has a GUT feeling that I am not telling all. I asked him to pray to GOD and ask him if I am. He has said that "all bad comes to light" or something like that. Well good then. I want him to ask God if I am, because I am not lying or hiding anything. <P>Just when I think we are doing well, he gets this gut feeling that I am lying!?! I told him that I think it's the devil telling his gut so he can ruin our M.<P>Will he ever trust me? Is he always going to think I am lying? What good is M then if these things aren't solved?<P>I know I made my bed and I have to lay in it. But I am being totaly honest, and I thought that we are on a new begining. Ya what great new begining when your S isn't trust worthy and their words are like water. I am so hurt right now and I just wanted to vent. Thanks all for listening [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] sherry the untrustable liar.

KS....sure you are hurt! And time will heal that pain just as time will heal SEM's pain. The trust in your marriage has been compromised and needs to be regained. Time and patience is required. Hang in there for it will get better if you allow it.

KS,<BR>I do think Satan works on the most vulnerable area that all BSs have - trust, lack of trust, self-doubt, etc... But having said all that, trust takes a <B>long</B> time to rebuild. It's only been a short time since SEM heard the whole story - it would be really unusual if he were able to have any trust in you yet. That comes with days and weeks and months of <B>never</B> finding any inconsistencies, nothing that has been left out. In addition, when a BS learns the truth and it was far more than they knew to be the truth or even expected, then it makes you doubt whether that "gut feeling" is very reliable. Why didn't I know? What signs did I miss? How could I possibly be so naive? So...for awhile anyway, I think we (BSs) tend to be overly sensitive to our instincts, gut feelings - probably even conjuring up a gut feeling sometimes when none is really there. But this, too, all goes back to the trust issue. <P>I've been reading your posts for a long time, and you've both been so inspirational to me. I would love to be able to post here with my H, and I can just see how much good it does for your struggling (right now) marriage. <P>Just keep doing what you're doing. Trust will come back eventually - just don't expect too much to soon.

hey, sweetie. you and I haven't talked much lately. I know these things must come and go... for a while... deeeep breath.<P>Unfortunately, he will have this gut feeling for a little bit. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] He wants to make it go away too, I'm sure. <P>I'm sure you're doing this, but lemme throw it out there anyway... lots of little things - every day - will help him trust you. "Honey, I'll call you at 2:00". then call right at 2:00. "Honey I'll be home at 10:30." THen be there right at 10:30. Phone calls on time mean a LOT to me. When H says he's going to call me and doesn't... grrrrrrrrrr [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] hehe... Lots of little things like that, on a consistent basis, will help to build his trust in you.<P>Hang in there , hun. We're here for both of ya. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] you're doing fine.

Good Advice.....Hang in there KS. SEM needs alot of time and alot of patience, you too. You both obviously think the other is worth it. Don't give up now. I know it's hard. (((KS))) <P>Clouds

Keep Smiling,<P>I have some sort of feeling how SEM feels. Trust is the only thing in life that is so hard to get and so easy to lose! <BR>I know that SEM loves you, and I know that you love him. Why else would you two be trying so hard to pick up the pieces and move foreward and make your marriage better than it was before?<BR>He is doing something very natural! He has put up a wall to keep from being hurt again. <BR>It took me months to forgive my WS after the first A. I always felt like things were going to good to be true. This is a time where his heart and his mind are at conflict.<BR>His heart is telling him, love her, trust her, do the things you have to do to make her happy.<BR>Then his mind is telling him, I know you love her but you can't trust her, she has lied to you, she has mistreated you, be careful about giving this person your heart again. <BR>Like I said, this is from my experience, not from something that I heard. <P>Girl, you just keep on doing what you are doing. Loving him! He will get past this, I promise. <P>One thing to remember though is to tell him the God's honest truth about everything. <BR>He might ask you some very hurtful questions that you will be hesitant to answer. He is not asking this to hurt you or to hurt himself, he already has an idea of what has went on, he just wants to put his mind at rest so he doesn't have to leave it up to his imagination to do the work. I know that is driving him crazy. Sometimes it is a relief for him to know EVERYTHING because it wasn't as bad as his imagination portrayed it to be. <P>I know this is tormenting you but you have to realize that it is tormenting him too. <P>I have faith in both of you that you will work this out......<P><BR>You have my prayers<P><BR>RN

It takes a LOOOONG time to rebuild trust when it has been so grievously betrayed. My trust had been so violated with my H that just his SILENCES or ANY behavior remotely resembling his EA behavior would set off red flags. It is a HELL OF A WAY to live for the BS, but that is the cost of settling for someone who has betrayed you. I regained trust in my H in 2 ways: <P>1. His continued good behavior for 10 months. ie: time<P>2. And PROOF that he was behaving well, ie: checking out his computer activies to VERIFY that his words matched his actions. <P>#2 did more to rebuild trust than anything, because I had proof that he was behaving. So your H's "gut feelings" are probably related to similar behavior that you exhibited during the affair. <P>I would advise that you be as open and honest with your activities, feelings and thoughts as possible and do everything possible to reassure him and help him regain his trust in you. It will take a while but you have to be willing to go to any length to undo the damage done if you want it to work.

Keep Smiling,<P>You remember my last reply to your post? <BR>I found something else where that says the same thing that I said. <P>I didn't write this and you may have already read it but I am going to put it here anyway.<P><BR>Regards and best wishes for you and SEM!<P>RN<P>To My spouse,<BR>I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your affair, everything that has happened along the way. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes. You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you, and if it can affect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have. <BR>Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about this affair that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of your online relationship and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives will ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it. So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired, and slowly over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier. <BR>So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. That is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

GeezLouis,<BR>Thanks, I am praying that time moves alittle faster now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm hanging in but it's really hard to do.<P>almostbroken,<BR>I guess I find it harder to deal with when he is doing well then out of the blue he is upset, and it goes in cycles. I get upset when I don't know how to help him. It's hard for me to not get so defensive when we talk, and I don't know why.<BR>Thanks so much. Maybe you can ask your H to stop by MB's. Tell him there are WS's here who get lots of support [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]. <P>faith angel,<BR>Oh my faith angel. You have to come up here and get your check by the way. I figure you need a vacation, so you are going to have to drive up here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<BR>When you told people what you we're going through, did anyone ever tell you to just go and get a D? SEM was told by a women co-worker that I am playing head games. I guess he shouldn't have told me, cause it's really eating at me. He says that he tries to avoid her aws much as possible. I just can't figure out why a woman out of anybody he told would say that. My guess is she wants him. I don't understand why what she said even bother's me this much. I guess because it hurts my feelings that anyone could say something like that. I am one of those people who doesn't like to judge, or be judged. Ya know what I mean. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>I am insecure right now, and I start ot wollow in self pity when SEM is upset. I am looking at how to me strong, secure, and supportive. I pay you if you can teach me this!!! Thanks Faith angel.<P>intheclouds,<BR>I'm haning in thanks to you guys here. Your all such great support. Thanks so much.<P>MelodyLane,<BR>I work in a unisex company, and all of my A's were with guys from my work. SEM does't like me working with guys (totaly understandable) and I hate my job. Kinda funny. But I have to stay because I make good money and great beni's. So unless we get a miracle, this is how it's going to be for a while. I have offerd to quit but we know that is unlikely in our situation.<P>So ya maybe something I said or did set him off. He always wants to know who I hang out with at lunch, and who I talked to during work. It's understandable and I'm fine with that. My promlem is that I don't like to tell him when I am at work cause it is so akward talking about someone when they are in the room with you. Then I get home and I end up forgetting cause I find it to be useless. I have the memory the size of a pea.Thanks so much for your help. Sherry<P>RN,<BR>Ya I have already read that. But I needed it again. It really makes since. <BR>I guess my problem is that after holding it in for 4yrs and then telling him everything, every last detail, and then he thinks that I am still with holding more. That bother's me. I let out this bag of steam, and I pour it all out, and he thinks that there is still some more in there. To me that feels <BR>like I am damed if I do and I am damed if I don't. <BR>I'm hanging in here though. Thanks to you all. <BR>How are you hanging in??

For me, gut feelings have been incredibly dead on! My H and I have always been in sync with each other. We often finish each other thoughts. So when I started becoming suspicious about an A, I let my intuition lead me right to her house! Then after D-day, I let my intuition lead me right to a park where they were meeting. Very strange, but I felt led that day to drive a road that I have never driven before and that is what I found. Then the last time they made contact to say goodbye, I sat home and bawled because I felt his presence at her house. There have been more times that this has happened. I don&#8217;t know if it is coming from God or what, but one prayer that I repeat is, &#8220;Dear God, please reveal to me if there is something I should know, otherwise please grant me peace.-Amen&#8221; Most of the time I have tremendous peace, and when I don&#8217;t I know there is something I am about to discover.<P>My H and I have a long journey ahead of us because he is deep in the fog right now. I hurt every day, especially when the feeling of peace lifts. Sometimes, I know that it is Satan messing with me and that is when I usually hit bottom again.<P>I am a true believer in gut feelings!<P>Le

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Moving Forward:<BR><STRONG><P>I am a true believer in gut feelings!<P>Le</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have to agree with MovingForward. 99% of my suspicions have turned out to be dead accurate and even led to my discovery of his internet EA. The other 1% were a result of unexplained "silences" that set off my radar. There was nothing behind the silences except that it reminded me of how he behaved during the EA.

Keep Smiling,<P>You remember what I told you about his imagination? I guarantee you that is what he is dealing with right now. You have already told him the gospel truth (haven't you?) and it was not as bad as he imagined it. He will have trouble with this for a while. He is trying to figure out which one he should believe, your truth or his imagination!<P>I promise you that if you keep answering his questions with the truth everytime he will realize that your truth is the "TRUTH". <P>I know it is hard for both of you but I have faith in both of you to continue to move forward in recovery. <BR>Remember that every day you two stay together and work on your marriage, the closer to what you both are wanting in your marriage you will be.(I hope that makes sense!) (Well, it does in the Redneck language anyway!) hehehe! <P>Even if you don't see it, I already see the light at the end of the tunnel for you and SEM. There are very few obstacles for you and SEM to clear now. You both have worked very hard on this and someday soon you both will be completely healed. <P>I don't think it, I know it.....<P><BR>You two are in my prayers!<P><BR>Regards<P>RN [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>P.S. As far as my situation, well, I am in plan B and haven't seen any rays of light yet but I do have hope. That is pretty much what I am running on. Hope is a very powerful thing, without it I wouldn't get out of bed everyday and face the reality of this world. That in it's self is what makes me keep on keeping on!<p>[ October 21, 2001: Message edited by: Roughneck ]

Moving Forward,<BR>I think it's great that you have that connection with your H, even though it led to a negative experience. <BR>My ex-best freind had planted in my head that my H had an A. I thought about it, and concluded that it would have to have been with her because she seemed to know this. She insisted that he did. I belive my H didn't, but the stupid idea is still stuck in there. My gut is in the air in this one. So that is why i don't believe in the gut feeling.<P>MelodyLane,<BR>As I said to Moving Foward, I can't follow the gut feeling because of my Ex best friend. I have asked him that if he don't trust me to hire a PI, tapp the phone, do what ever it takes to do to beleive, most of please Pray. I think God will show you the way. God will prove to him if I am telling a lye or the truth.<P>RN,<BR>Your the best. I have honestly told everything to him. What a relif when I did. It felt like a rock was being pulled away from my chest. <BR>Roughneck laugage makes since to me. It must have been from being raised like a "Red Neck" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] hehe. <P>Hope is a great friend, Huh! I have been and will be praying for you both. Sherry

Just a thought here...My gut has been right much of the time and I have trouble when I ask my H and he gets angry B/c "you already KNOW the answer to that Question..I've already ANSWERED" Well, sometimes,i need to hear it again...maybe SEM does ,too. <P>And, on a lighter note, just be glad HE doesn't get PMS...Talk about cycles...I was NEVER so out of control,,we realized,finally, that gee ,every 4 weeks or so,I'd have a meltdown...duh...PLUS I found out I am pre-menopausal,I know HE never gives us more than we can handle, But LORD, PLease, a break for a little while!!!I ahve gotten help and am better.

In my experience, as others have said, my gut rarely, if ever, has let me down. I think it was "moving forward" who talked about the difference between the feeling you have before you discover more, versus the feeling of peace (the one I crave the most). My H and I are really into recovery for the first time since the first D-day in January of this year. Although we were working on things before, I continued to have an unsettled feeling that only dissipated when he finally let ALL of the skeletons out of the closet. This was very, very hard for him to do. He felt ashamed, guilty, embarassed, you name it. I love him more now than I ever did. Hard to explain, but the distance between us truly lifted at this point (it's been about 3 weeks, early I know, but genuine, consistent connectedness for the first time in a long, long time). You see, we found that my H was deciding what was relevant and irrelevant instead of just dumping it all. He may have thought this, however I FELT what wasn't being said. He now says he feels relieved and more at peace now that he could "flush it all away". I wonder if in your honesty with your S, perhaps you are inadvertently keeping some things back that he is feeling on a gut level. Just a thought. It's hard to recover when the potential is there to get blind-sided again by more crap being revealed or discovered. If there's anything left in that department, perhaps it should just come out. You know, we focus so much on the BS rebuilding trust with the WS. My WS tells me that he is learning that he can also trust me when he tells me the tough stuff. He recently said in one of our counselling sessions that he has learned that nothing awful happens when he tells me anything - in fact (his words), just the opposite happens - nothing but positive. Thanks for posting here - I am now in a place where I can really feel for the WS's out there too. Best of luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When you told people what you we're going through, did anyone ever tell you to just go and get a D? SEM was told by a women co-worker that I am playing head games. I guess he shouldn't have told me, cause it's really eating at me. He says that he tries to avoid her aws much as possible. I just can't figure out why a woman out of anybody he told would say that. My guess is she wants him. I don't understand why what she said even bother's me this much. I guess because it hurts my feelings that anyone could say something like that. I am one of those people who doesn't like to judge, or be judged. Ya know what I mean. <P>I am insecure right now, and I start ot wollow in self pity when SEM is upset. I am looking at how to me strong, secure, and supportive. I pay you if you can teach me this!!! Thanks Faith angel.<P> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, YESSSSS.. There have been lots of people, men and women, to tell me to leave him, divorce him, make him pay, don't let him do this to you, you'll never trust him again, etc etc etc. I've heard it all. If that woman at work is telling him, it's either just a normal reaction - friends don't like to see friends get HURT, ya know? Or she may be the woman wanting to "treat him right" kinda thing. Who knows. But try to assume that she only means the best for him, and TRUST SEM that he would not be seeking a revenge affair - and knows how to prevent one. right SEM??? <P>self-pity... boy I know that one too. If I seem strong, secure, and supportive, (sigh) its' cuz I don't post EVERYTHING.... sorry <grin> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . I didn't post the conversation the other night (pre-D papers) where I'm pretty sure I LB'd. hehe... I KNEW I LB'd, and didn't want to ruin my reputation here [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . So there's my confession everyone. hehe... All we can do is our best, and yes, we'll all mess up from time to time... maybe a LOT.<P>I can't explain how I manage to remain calm and supportive most of the time. I truly think it's because I don't get much time with him. If I were around him a lot, I'm sure I would lose it more often. I also keep telling myself, "kill 'em with kindness". <P>So, get rid of that self-pity, as much as you can. You should feel very proud of yourself. You are doing the right thing... a VERY difficult thing... facing your mistakes, and humbling yourself to do the work to repair your relationship!! Stand tall, keep loving that man, and feel proud that you are on the right track! <P>huggggggsssss

Hi sweetie... sorry to hear about the rough weekend. Sigh. I'm there too, though maybe I'm not feeling it like SEM is. <P>I have to say that I DO trust that my H honestly and completely regrets everything that's happened. Usually I believe that he's telling me the truth about everything. But sometimes, be it a trigger or lord knows what, my gut gets tangled up again and I'm sure that there's more I need to know. I may feel that way for the rest of my life, like he hasn't told me everything and like he has softened the truth to make it easier for me to bear. <P>Whatever it is, I suspect I'm near that point where I have to decide if it's all that important. I KNOW I've been betrayed. I KNOW that there were several women. Will knowing that here were two, three, six more help make my future any brighter? Or will it be today and everything from here on in is what counts? It is simply, letting go of the past. Learning from it, not making the same mistakes again. Where your patience will be tested is in truly accepting how much pain lies in that shared history and appreciating how hard it is for a BS to let it go. I think we need to be able to do that in order to go on with tomorrow. <P>His attitude is a wall of self preservation. IMHO, he needs to know and to believe that he knows to what extent he has been betrayed. Once he can live with that knowledge and let go of the fear, he will be ready to move on. (Me too!) <P>I think that if you take much of the advice given here and love him openly and honestly, be where you say you are going to be and WHEN you say you will be there, he will eventually let that dismal history slip away and embrace today for what it is, tomorrow for the possibilities. <P>Maybe we can get there at the same time and celebrate [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>In peace, <BR>Snow<P>PS My gut feelings were usually dead on. Right now, post Dday, I think my radar is interrupted by old news. It's like after 9/11, my kids thought that every airplane that flew overhead was heading into a building. It's the same kind of feeling. Be patient! You CAN do this!<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Snowwhite ]

Anybody feel that they "softened the truth" to make in easier for themselves to bear, as well? That's sort of where I am...he feels he has been completely honest..maybe he has about what he thinks is important. When I used to ask questions, his first response was frequently, "Why is this important?" B/C I want to know,that's why!!!<P>But those discussions led nowhere,just to him feeling attacked,like I was trying to make him pay. I think I am trying to get to the bottom of those "strong feelings" he says he had for OW. He says it wasn't love and that's all I need to know. He doesn't know what they were. I want to bust every secret they shared,and realistically, I know that can't happen.<P>He say he was "seduced",well OK. She was immediately responsive to an A.(She is M,too). I think his part in the seduction is more about forcing himself to beleive this A was a beautiful, caring thing. Makes it bearable for him,,,maybe. If he had faced from day one, that this was ugly and sleazy,he would never have done it!

Hi KS,<P>I guess you know I am a BS, and like some others here gut feeling has not once led me astray on this topic. The last time, h had taken the kids out for the day and I went shopping. At the checkout I stopped DEAD, and I thought, "He's taken them out with OW!" He had not done that before, and he wouldn't even admit a relationship.<P>I raced home and called my friend with my suspicions...she said, no, no you have no proof...well he HAD done it. He didn't tell me, he let the kids do that.<P>Just one incident on the gut feeling.<P>Now I and many others here have said that OUR gut feeling is usually right, and so we tend to go with it. If SEM has had a few experiences of this, even though you may now be telling the whole truth (and I certainly believe you are) his instinct is to not believe, because he has learned to follow that gut. However NOW the gut may be churning for insecurity, mistrust, hurt and betrayal.<P>I read somewhere here that one WS did a lot of little things to build trust...she said she would call at 5pm, and did it on the dot. She said she would be home at 6pm, and was. She said she would not forget important dates etc, and didn't. She allowed checking of cell phone, email, anything the BS liked to snoop at, and although it KILLED her to be scrutinised so much, she knew it was the only way to rebuild that trust...<P>The questions thing. I asked over and over again about the same details. I got the same answers over and over...from this I learned to begin trusting again. He hated the questions, but he never really knew that I was trying to validate our relationship and my trust in him again.<P>Sadly my MLC H went off on another A, and I am now in Plan B. But I can see great love between you and SEM...you must have patience, and so must he. Give each other time. It hasn't been very long since he found out. I was only beginning to recover at the seven month mark.<P>Sorry this is so long!<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

HI KS,<BR>No, I'm not avoiding you, just trying to play catch up on posting. Have missed a lot of days due to busyness of life! *sigh* I have to rearrange my priorities, huh?!<P>Well, to answer your question, I think sometimes our "gut feelings" can be wrong, you know, like in your case where the suspicions are unfounded and more like evil forebodings... very negative and not giving you the benefit of the doubt.<P>I tend to listen more to my "first mind" rather than my feelings because feelings are fickle. Feelings change. What if I don't FEEL like withholding love busting and I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind because of my moods? That would not be good. That would not be healthy to the marriage nor build love units in my Hs love bank, right?<P>We have to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Then, we have to wait before we act, especially if we feel confused. Then go back to what that first thought told us and go with that. Usually the first mind is never wrong. It's all the "what-if" thinking that follows your initial reaction and brings confusion.<P>Many sources speak to our minds during the course of a day. We have to discern what is healthy to ponder and what is not. Then, we get to sift through the thoughts and decide which packages to receive and which ones to reject. We get to choose our very thoughts! Cool, huh? We can just say, "Nope! I refuse to think about that!" and dismiss a thought by an act of our will--just like that!<P>I think your husband is reacting to you because he is afraid to take your words as face value anymore. You gotta give him that leeway, unfortunately. You don't need to be reminded of your mistake of hiding multiple affairs, (sorry!), but it really impacted him deeply and we can't say how or when he will completely forgive you.<P>All I know is that forgiveness is not forgiveness if it has to be earned. Perhaps you deserve a break today! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]