Hi all,<BR>Just wanted to share some examples of overreacting to nonsense. Hope you all can learn from my mistakes. D-day was only 5 months ago, and H has been home 3 months after moving out for 2 months...so sometimes it is hard to determine if this is true recovery. Especially since H still works with OW. I am very paranoid about everything, but have been trying not to pester my H about the past and about my fears and insecurities. Sometimes the way I interpret one single act or statement can make me think that things are not going well and can have an unbelievable impact on my attitude. For example: last Saturday my H had to work. He usually is done by 4:00 when he works on Saturdays. He told me he had to work late and wouldn't be home until the kids and I were already in bed. In my mind there was no doubt that he was meeting the OW!!! I even tried to get a babysitter so that I would be able to track them down and bust them. Of course the more I thought about it the more upset I got. I couldn't get a sitter so I decided to discuss the situation with my H. I asked him in a calm, nonconfrontational manner why he had to start working late on Saturdays. He said that it's not every Saturday, just this one. I asked him, "How do I know you will be working?" Then he showed me a fax that explained why he would be working and it had a list of all the co-workers working on this project...and the OW wasn't even working that weekend! This whole conversation was very calm, no accusations. But I was feeling ill by now from worrying about this for a few days.<P>But did I learn my lesson. Oh no!!! This past week my H mentioned that he called the dealership where we got our van to talk to them about getting rid of our van. I looked into this when we were seperated because the van payment would be too high for me to pay if H moved out. Anyway, since we lease our van we would be severely penalized for getting out of our contract early so we just decided to keep it. In my mind I just knew he was trying to get rid of the van because I thought he wanted to move out again. I called my best friend to cry on her shoulder and she said, "Maybe he just wants to take advantage of all the specials the car dealers are running now and get something with free financing." And yes my H did confirm this before I even had a chance to ask him about it. But once again I had to get all worked up for a couple of days and feel like my marraige was over. And I'm sure the way I was acting made him even more distant. <P>So the morale of the story is...Don't overreact!!! If something is bothering you .... discuss it with your spouse before you give yourself an ulcer and do more damage to your relationship.

Heckofagal......so nice to see your smiling face. I truly understand your post-traumatic stress syndrome. Skittish-like! I, too, am a worrier (more like warrior-ess) and tend to look into things with a magnifying glass. Perhaps finding your worries were unfounded will make you feel more relaxed the next time a "situation" arises. Unfortunately, those daggone triggers can throw you into a tailspin. Take the time to breathe deeply and react calmly in the future. No sense getting yourself all worked up for nadda. <P>Take good care of you and yours and continue to be strong.

heckofagal,<P>I hope you are chastising yourself for not ASKING him sooner about these issues rather than chastising yourself for having the suspicions in the first place. I don't think you overreacted at all, but I think that you tortured yourself unneccesarily for days by not getting to the bottom of the truth sooner. <P>You SHOULD be suspicious and question anything out of the ordinary, it is a NATURAL, SANE reaction when living with an untrustworthy person. It is a protective instinct to cover yourself when you have been burned in the past. You must protect yourself and that means keeping a sharp eye out for any untoward behavior.<p>[ October 20, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]

Hi,<P>Well, that is why rebuilding of trust takes soo long. It may take longer than the A. WhY? Because it goes deeper. <P>As long as your H understands that periodically you will need to ask questions and he is able to answer then in a reasonable way, then you are headed in the right direction. Just know it will take a while. <P>We are headed down that direction also. You know even though I am the BS and H is the WS, H grills me more than I do him. <P>For example, just last night I asked if H & OW ever acted as a married couple. H said "NO". Then I reminded him that they used to check into hotels as Mr./Mrs. ______. H's response was "that is what the clerk thought and I did not correct it but I did not tell them that either." <P>So I said that I have been mistaken as someone else's W before and when it came up, I clarified it and would not allow others to think incorrectly. Oh boy, that started a 15 minute discussion about who, when and where and what did I do to make others think I as married to another man. Dumb dumb dumb!!!<P>All the incidents were harmless. Not because I was having an A, but from the 3rd degree I got, you would have thought that I was the WS. <P>My point is that some WSs feel so guilty, it also makes them highly suspicous and jealous of others and this also delays the rebuilding of trust. <P>The good part of most BS's is that we try to learn and better ourselves. The WS's mostly work in reverse of that logic since fogese runs backward!!!!! LOL! :rollingeyes:<P>I let my H know when I felt suspicious and was usually right. Now that H is back, there are still times I feel suspicious and he is able to help me through it. If he should start to lie, I have also learned to see through the fog much better. <P>L.<p>[ October 21, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]

GeezLouise, MelodyLane Na Orchid,<P>Thank you for your replies. Yes, I know I am overreacting to these situations and of course that is normal under the circumstances. But yes, it does help me to relax and not jump to conclusions the next time around. Kind of like when you are snooping and don't find any evidence ... makes you feel better and more confident. But we still have a long way to go. I wish my H saying things to make me feel more confident. I wish the OW would get a different job and move away so I wouldn't worry so much about him going to work. (That's all I want for Christmas, by the way.)

dear heckofagal,<BR>I think that you and I are twins who were separated at birth! I've lived with finding out my H has been lying for so long, that if I DON'T find evidence of his lying again, I wonder what I've missed! My H ended contact (for the 5th or 6th time) 3 weeks ago today. Now, he sent her an e-mail, which I was able to see, so I know that he made it SOUND like it was over for good. I mean, he finally said the words "I don't love you; I love (W) and want my life back." However, he had also written 3 no contact letters to her in the past, then called her the next day to tell her he didn't mean them. My H is staying with his sister and plans to come home (for the 2nd time since all this mess started 3/01) on 11/3. We have spent the last few days together at home and it has been wonderful. There has been no talk of the relationship; we're just having one instead of dredging stuff up. However, I find myself doubting his sincerity, not because of anything he's said or done, but just out of fear of being hurt again. I can so understand you thinking the worst when anything out of the ordinary happens with your H. It would scare me to NO end if my H worked with OW. She does LIVE 3 miles from where he works, which in the past has faciliated lunchtime "quickies". Consequently, my H calls me twice every day during his lunch hour, so I will know that he's not with her. As long as he can continue to reassure me, I'm trying not to be afraid. Anyway, sorry to make this about me. I really just wanted you to know that I feel the same as you. Some days I'm not sure I will get over it, even after all the months of working Plan A and knowing that I want my marriage. It's so hard when it's not "hoping for recovery" that occupies our thoughts, but actually "working" on recovery. I pray for you that you will have discernment and see the truth in your H's actions.<P>MOM

MOM,<p>I've been foloowing your story and I do believe you are on the right track! That is so great that he has said those words to the OW. Hang in there!!!<p>You know I am SO SURE that I can get over this whole A thing...but this is the hard part. It would have been so easy if he would have just come home and said "I screwed up, I'm sorry, I LOVE YOU, and it's over with the OW" But him continuing to work with her is sooo hard, especially after him saying for months "I don't know what I want."<p>Good Luch with your recovery...I'll be praying for you!