I have posted before and I need to blow off some frustration. My wife is so distant from me. She does not want to be happy around me. I have almost had enough. I don't know what she wants and either does she. When she is around friends she is so bubbly and alive. When she comes home she puts on her unhappy face. She said that I bring her down, that I am mopping around. I have been trying to be very happy considering she said that she does not love me. That she needs her space. I have been giving for 7 months now but she expects me to do everything. She said that she does not want to give anything right now, but it has been 7 months of total alienation and I think I have had enough. I have reached so deep inside me and now I am empty. The hate for her is starting to grow. We are starting couple councelling next week but I think I have had enough. I don't need to be treated like this and I am tired of her withdrawl towards me. Yesterday she said that she was not happy. She likes to say this because she knows it upsets me. I asked her if I made her unhappy and she said that she did not know. She said that she thinks it is a comdination of all her issues that she faces. I just don't understand why she has to take it out on me. I don't think she realizes how I hurt but I don't think she cares. Her good friend said that I am doing a good job and just to have patients.I wish she could say these things to me instead she will say nothing. When we start to talk about us she shuts down and does not want to talk. I am at my whits end to this. How much patients do I have to have. I feel so alone and empty. I am becomming pissed at her all the time. I love my wife so much and right now my life realy sucks. Every nice thing I do for her bounces off her. I really think that she does not want to give towards our relationship and she has said that. She has resentment towards me but she will not open up to me with it. I believe that this is what is holding her back. I just want my loving wife back and all of this is so hard to deal with. I am very tired of just being the maintenance man around here. I need advise, please, I am doing the best I can and I don't want to give up!

Hi Slopoke,<P>Hey that name fits my H and he is the WS?!!!<BR>I do know how you feel. My H is a talker with others and with his family he is Mr. Silent. <P>Emotional problems have been identified. Large emotional problems dealing with abandonment as a child. He even said that he went out on me before I went out on him..... Wow, how did he come to that conclusion? He said he did not want me to leave him. Again abandonment issues. <P>So I ask you, is there a reason that you are aware of for your W's callous attitude toward you other than the A? Maybe issues not even related to you? Think about this and discuss it with the counselor maybe privately. It may help.<P>I am glad to hear you as a H is the one working on taking care of your family. Keep up the good work. You have been encouraging to me. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Orchid<P> Thank you for your kind words. I feel at this time I have done enough, and my will to do more is slowly going away. I feel like telling her, and this bothers me. I love my wife so much that I do not want to let her go. But now I find that enough is enough. I don't deserve this and I want to be in a loving relationship that is recipracle. If you know what I mean. I want the freedom to love someone and I want someone to love me willingly in return. We have built a life together for 12 years and she has no will to work on it. It is to easy to throw in the towel, but 7 months of neglect towards me is taking its toll. I wonder how much longer I can hang on. Thank you once again for the encouragement.<BR>Slopoke.

Hey slo, I have a post on here now you may want to read. But Iam past you 10 Months from d-day and 17 months from the begining.<BR> I have to tell you if you search out my old posts, you sound identical to me. I to am taking care of the kids the house and have no marriage to show for anything I have done. Sound familiar sure it does. I dont know how I made it past those days that your at now. Maybe by just posting on here and getting a reply that someone has or is going through the same thing. It Sucks!<BR> Reality Check, no matter what she tells you she is in Love with the OM. But as you know that is not true or real love so hang in there. we went to counseling to and she lied through most of that and then we stopped for a couple of months. Im hoping to set something up this week.<BR> One day at a time just dont be in her face about it, I wish I could practice what I preach. This is very hard so be strong dont give up, she's not talking from her sole just her confused mind. Give it to the counseling appointment then take it from there. Just be cordial with her everything else doesnt really matter right now, she wont appreciate it. Good Luck, Will

slopoke,<BR>Work on yourself ... no LB .. Identify which EN that she need and you fail to meet ?. Do it slowly at her pace as she allows you to. Patience, patience, patience ... think of the reward of your loving, caring W is back. W might not trust you that you are a changed man.<P>Maintenance man only ?. I am a maintance man, a handy man for the property that we own&manage, a chef, a soccer dad & a bread winner. WS did not work ... use school as excuse to see OM .. only came back home as she like and she told me she want D.<P>If you could hate someone you love by thinking a bad & hurtfull memory and vice versa. So do not take it personally, think of it she is in the fog and your action of changed man is the light that will help her see again. You are in no position demanding or hoping to receive anything. Think of wonderfull past memory that you remember of loving&caring W.<P>Her resentment is normal as long as is not total rejection, you are doing fine. My W try to distance herself lately since she is confuse like hell and afraid that she is giving in to early. Your action will help her out ... she is in defensive mode right now and her defense is to put up wall. You are close than you think.<P>Again think of wonderfull memories w/ W in the past that you cherish the most. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and not the present and do not get suck into her fog [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanx:<BR> I really appreciate all the support and kind words. It is just very hard to be "just here". It feels as though she could care less if I was gone or not. The other day I said fine, I will call a realtor tomorrow. The next day she asked if I did and I said no. She said lets do a couple of councelling sessions first to see. Maybe this is hope? Maybe she realizes that I have had almost enough and that she does not want to call my bluff. I am at the point of saying the hell with this. I told her that I will be able to look back and know that I did all that I could. I know that I will be able to look in the mirror in the morning. The last 2 days have been more civil. I do not mention the issues, when she gets mad about something she still keeps it inside. This is one of the biggest issues at this time. She does not want to talk to me because she is afraid that the issues will rise. I assured her that I just want to talk about anything and she is beginning to talk more. She is under the illusion that if things don't work out that she will continue to live in our house and I will move out. I said that I will move out when the house is sold! I think she got a little reality check. I hate to burst her bubble, and I know that she is not thinking straight. I am not being mean, just giving her a few facts that she probably doesn't realize right now. It is all so confusing at times and I find that I desire a woman, and I do not want to wait forever. 7 months is a long time not even to be kissed, or able to hold her hand. I am becomming very frustrated and this is why it is hard for me to wait. I want affection and she does not want that now but she can be affectionate with another guy. THIS HURTS DEEPLY.<BR>Thanks for letting me vent again.<BR>Slopoke.

slopoke,<P>Since you do still love your W, you need to be patient and stay strong. Please know that it is not your job to create happiness for her. The fact that she is "not happy" is indication that SHE has a problem within herself. You are not the basic problem.<P>Your story is so like my son's. His W was<BR>"not happy." She complained that my son was not making her happy. So she chose to have an affair. Well, she is so messed up. She is suffering from depression. There is a good possibility that your W is depressed also. With time she might come around if she gets treatment and if you don't lose your love for her before she come to her senses. Also, I think you are right that her attitude is a result of "all her issues."<BR>My DIL has tons of baggage from earlier life experiences that complicate her relationships.<P>Have you considered plan B as described on this site? Do you have kids to consider?<BR>It might be that a separation is needed until your W is ready to appreciate your efforts.<P>Hoping for the best, Estes

Hi<P> She does try to pass off her unhappyness off to me and I am very tired of it. Sometimes I wonder if I am very compationate or just stupid. I don't need all this **** that is going on. She has said that I am mopping around, What does she expect. She has kept stuff to herself all these years and I can't do that like she can. She also said that if she had the money that she would leave. I said leave. If you really wanted out then money would not be a factor. She also said that she has been using me for my money and the comfort of having a nice home. This does not help the trust issue that I am trying to develope with my wife. With all these things she has said, if it does not work she will say that I told you how I felt. She will try to use this as a way to feel good, in her own mind. We start our first couple councelling tomorrow and after a couple of sessions,if there is no improvement then I will have to take action. Enough will be enough. If she really expects a free ride with no effort then forget it. I am becoming very tired of being the nice guy, trying to understand what she is going through but the distancing that I feel daily is almost to great for me now. If my wife reads this she will know how I feel. I hope and pray that things will improve so we will not have to deal with the D word, but lately it has appeared in my vocabulary.<BR>Everyone on here talks about plan A, plan B. I am not sure exactly what that means. Can someone enlighten me? I have read all the information on this site with regards to what is needed in a relationship and it has made me a better person. Doing it alone does not work. At this time she said that she is not sure if she wants to. That will have to be her own decision. She has been sitting on the fence for 7 months and I believe it is time for her to make a decision. Only the results that she shows will determine the decision. I can make it now if she really wants and I think that she wants me to so she can say that I ended things between us. Everyone will be hurt by the outcome and she has felt very indipendant, and she said that she can handle it alone. If she stays in the house?, keeps my paycheck, etc. Thats why I feel that when the finances improve, she will want to end it and say that she told me what her intentions were. Well the couple councelling will tell the tale of her desire and or will to make things work. The ball is now in her court and she will either have to play, or I will take the bat away. I am in no way a mean person. The line in the sand has to be drawn sometime and like I said to her the other night, I have a life to live too, and I will be able to look in the mirror.Thanks again for listening and I truely hope the couple councelling will help us get through these rough times. It has been a long 7 months of uncertainy and we will have to see.<BR>I love my wife. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello slopoke,<p>I am interested in the outcome of your counseling session today.<p>You asked about plans A and B. Both are designed to stop the deterioration of the relationship. First do some hard thinking about actions and attitudes on your part that may have caused your W distress through the years. For example, my BS son has a really hard time being organized. This was often truly inconvenient for my DIL, and she told him so, but he didn't "hear" that she was serious. Now I know that this is not, in and of itself, bad enough to ruin a marriage, but it was one of the stressors. I use it as an example.<p>After d-day, he began to make a great effort to be organized and dependable. He was trying to meet her needs and at the same time was improving himself. In plan A, the BS attempts to meet the WS's legitimate ENs and to be his very best self.
At the same time, the BS avoids love busters that would cause the WS to remove more love units from his account. (See basic concepts if you haven't already.)<p>This is not being a doormat. It is about being a considerate, unselfish person. It is still necessary to set boundaries. More on that later.<p>Now, plan B. Suppose that in spite of the BS's best efforts, the WS continues the affair, or waffles back and forth, or otherwise remains uncommitted to the marriage. The BS becomes discouraged, angry, depressed (as in your case), and begins to lose love for the WS and withdraw from the marriage. Plan B is designed to separate the BS from the continued hurt so he does not completely lose the love he has for WS. So he writes the WS a letter in which he explains that he will have no more contact with her until such time that she is ready to work on the marriage. It is important to tell her that you are trying to maintain your love for her, and will welcome her back IF she is ready to recommit. Tell her to leave, or you must leave yourself. She will learn what it is like to be totally on her own without you to fulfill ANY of her ENs.<p>Then the really hard part - to maintain plan B. You can't even take phone calls. Read the posts here about plan B letters. Go to the Plan A/Plan B Forum here. Of course read Surviving an Affair.<p>Wow, sorry so long. It sounds to me that you are ready for plan B. Are you ready to tell your W to leave? You have the right to have peace of mind in your own home. If she thinks she can make it on her own, give her a chance to do it. My DIL professed the same thing (only she left on her own). In 5 months she has maxed out her credit cards and is sinking fast. Surprise, my S is looking more interesting.<p>Take care, Estes