Wow!! it is amazing that so many smart people are at this forum and if our marriage is saved it will be because of everybody here. <BR>My W and I have had some great open and honest conversations since I last posted. We talked about OM and some expectations of what she wanted. My interpretation of the conversation was that the OM was there when she needed comforting and I was was not. She was right! She also does recognize the fact that she can not marry the OM because they are cousins. This makes me think that she is very vulnerable to another A if I don't make plan A work. I have printed out two copies of the EN questionnaire and put a copy on each of our pillows and we went over them last night but have not filled them in yet. She asked over what time frame should she fill it in for, the last sixteen years? I said I already knew what the answers were for the last sixteen years and that I would have a better understanding if she were to use the last three weeks instead (when I started plan A). I also told here that I had no intention of going back to the way it was before. We then made love that night and twice the next day before being interrupted by the kids. It was the closest I have ever felt to my W. She will still not break all contact with OM but she says she likes the changes that I have made and is a little skeptical over how long it will last. I have also suggested to her that if she was to continue e-mailing OM to please use a internet cafe so I did not have access to it.<BR>Thank You all!!<BR>Helplessss<BR>---------------------------------------------<BR>Happiness is not a goal to be reached but a means of travel.

Dear Help,<BR>There are 2 things disturbing here and they are the fact that she was willing to have an affair with her cousin and 2nd and most importantly is that she refuses to break contact with the OM. <P>I think you are doing the right thing and really trying with the emotional needs questionaire and other actions. You must do your part and meet her needs which is important, but because someone doesn't meet anothers needs is not an excuse to cheat as 2 wrongs do not make a right, so alittle later after meeting her needs I would discuss this with her as she is wrong. But to work things out you must meet her needs and then you will know that you tried everything and gave the M your all, this way if you have seperate you will do so much easier.<P>I suggest controlling your anger (as it is normal to feel this way when we are betrayed) about what she did, and just concentrate on her and her needs. I say this because I make this very big mistake and say DESTRUCTIVE things that just make matters worse. Even though they are facts it doesn't help the situation so keep cool. But do not avoid or lose track of your feelings/needs as this is very important for your M because it takes 2 to be happy. She also must participate in this and want to change, so I would also look at her to see if she is remorseful about her affair and what her actions are pertainiing to this. If she is not and she tries to justify the A then you must question her character. If she lacks character then you might be better off without her. It is hard enough to deal with someone who has an A, but someone who was willing to have an A with their cousin, wow this is overwhelming [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Another bad sign is that she will not end contact with the OM because its like when someone works with someone who they slept with, the emotional intimacy never ends as when their paths cross during the day they flirt or are reminded of the sexual experience or many other thoughts which make it harder for your relationship. Dr harley covers this in the Surviving an Affair section and states that all contact with the OM/OW should be ended in which I agree. In your case its even harder because the OM is her cousin. PS: If you ever need to talk there is alot of us on the Character & Morals thread, as sometimes it's days before I get back to some other threads.<P>Good Luck and God Bless!<P>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]<P>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]