First...sorry this is so long, but I only truly discovered a couple of weeks ago and things have been a little crazy.<P>Ok, here goes. My wife and I are 30 actually, I turned 31 last week) and have been married for just over 7 years, but been together for 12. As it turns out, I appear to have been suffering from depression on and off for most of my adult life. After college, we moved to where she got a job, and I started working for her cousin in a small business. At that time, I'm pretty sure I was in a depressive state for quite some time, and I really didn't have any peers with whom I worked (migratory workers, mostly). Anyway, she DID have new friends at her job (she's a teacher), and I attached myself to them. For most of our relationship, I've relied heavily on her for emotional support and probably self esteem boosting (Don't know where THAT came from). Anyway, after about three years, I found the dream job that I'd always wanted. I FINALLY had peers, and what do you know, we partied A LOT (seemed just like in college). I was neglecting my wife and her EN terribly, and as a matter of fact, I began to fall in love with AW. I know for a fact that the alcohol had something to do with it, but more later on that. My wife would sob herself to sleep and beg me to just "QUIT" hurting her so. Eventually, I stepped back and took a HARD look at my life. And while I DID have a great job, I really needed to tone back the drinking and the potential relationship. I made a concious effort to re-dedicate myself to our marriage and all the future plans that we'd made. I fell back IN love with my wife. But I never told her about the emotional affair (until recently). About a year later, I wrecked my truck (alcohol related), and another year later I finally got a DUI. Now, these were "isolated incidents"....meaning that I was no longer drinking all night, every night. Only a couple or three times a month. Both of these events crushed my wife and brought back the hurt of the year of heck for her. Yet, I still didn't come clean because I was afraid that I'd lose her for sure (she was raised with a VERY Christian background).<P>About a year ago, my father's health took a serious turn for the worse. He'd been going steadily downhill for about the last nine years after my mother left him for another man (that also destroyed me as well, and I hadn't really spoken to my mother since). At this time, I went into a deep depression which only got deeper when my dad died this last April. I completely shut down. I gave up all of my hobbies (golf, softball, darts, fishing). I gave up my duties at home (mowing, bills, cleanup, folding laundry, sex, etc..). I gave up on my love for my wife. We didn't talk, I just came home from work, went to the office and played games on the computer to escape. She asked me several times if maybe I ought to see someone, but I resisted, saying that I was only blue and I'd come out of it.<P>In the mean time, she too shut down and began to follow her own interestes. She began to work out religiously, go out with friends often, get more involved in her civic duties. Eventually, she says that she just fell out of love with me, and it looks like she filled her EN somewhere else. She had always been close to a former student, but in the last year, that relationship has blossomed and eventually become love. Two months ago, they consumated that love, and have been steadily seeing each other since. I had suspicions (even before they began to "KNOW" each other), but I attributed it to the fact that I was down. I was beginning to see that maybe I SHOULD seek help for depression, but then I began to come out of it around 2 months ago. I finally realized what a crapweasle I'd been for at least the last year, and I was REALLY ready to once again re-commit myself to our loving relationship. But I was scheduled to take a mini-vacation with her father for HIS mental health...little did I know that that was the very night things got MUCH worse.<P>When I got back, I began to try to meet her EN, but I could sense something new was afoot. I skirted the issue, trying to bring her out of her shell, until finally, I put it straight to her, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?"<P>She admitted it. She said she was SO sorry that it happened because of what I'd gone through with my parents (sorry she hurt me, etc...). I too, came completely clean about my emotional affair so that we could to establish a BRUTALLY HONEST atmosphere.<P>This is where I began to make a string of blunders over the last two weeks. I DEMANDED that she end it with him right then and there. She said she couldn't. We had him over that night and I repeated the demand. He was of no help. Oh, by the way, he's 19. She won't even discuss that part of the issue, even though I KNOW that it is pretty close to her heart. Granted, he's pretty mature for 19 (and I've actually liked him up to this point), he's an electrician apprentice, thinks he knows his future plans, etc....but he's still a kid - driving his truck through beanfields, spitting on cars while "cruising", getting into fights, etc....A KID! I know, I was there!<P>Eventually, I backed off my demand because it was apparent that if I pressed it that night, she'd walk out right then and there. We saw our pastor and a marriage counsellor the next day. At both times, she promised that she'd end it with him and have no contact because she knew that was the right thing to do. However, over the next week, she called him nearly every day, and I caught her calling him from a sporting event that weekend. Later that very night, I intercepted an email that she'd sent him...."OH, my God, he caught me calling you.....I need to meet you ASAP" or something along those lines. She'd gone to the store for a couple of items when I found the email and I called her on her cell and read it to her. Needless to say, she was plenty miffed about that.<P>At our second counselling session, the psych "led" her to saying that she was in the "closure" phase of our relationship...and I think that was a huge disservice to me. After all the reading I've been doing, it seems to me that maybe he should have tried to stall for time and get her to truly end it with the young man.<P>She stayed at a friend's house that night, and moved some clothes out the next day. While helping her pack, I mentioned something along the lines of "I don't want to, but I know that I have to just let you go and sort these things out." Also I mentioned something about I guessed it didn't matter if she saw the OM any longer....my bad. The first place she went was to his house.<P>I called several hours later to her friend's to get my mom's ph#, but she wasn't there. OK, so now I was crazy jealous and went searching. Her car wasn't at HIS place, and I was supposed to meet with him that evening anyway and so I stopped in. Well, guess who was there, no shoes/socks and been there for probably 3 hours.....where do you suppose my mind took me=> directly to the bedroom.<P>Well, I was peeved, but I pretty much let it drop. I asked her for the phone number and then I followed them to her car a couple of blocks away. HMMMM, ashamed? Anyway, we had words and I absolutely lost control of my anger. I've never raised a hand to her, but I JUST about hit her that night, and she knew it. I've never lost control like that and it scared BOTH of us. At the last possible moment, I chose her car as the recipient of my blows rather than her.....didn't win any points there.<P>Well, I'm now on anti-depressants, Thyroid meds, and occasionally, as sedative. The ADs are beginning to take hold and I feel like a HUGE stone has been lifted from my soul.<P>This last weekend, she was out of town but got back early. Her parents happened to be up (Yeah, I told them the night I lost control, they've been MY family for 12 years too, and I didn't have anyone else to turn to right at that time). They wanted to speak to this young man and so I took them to his house. She was there ("talking" about the situation, though she hadn't been there for more than about 15 minutes). Her parents told him that they didn't know what their plans were, though I've found poems about her being the NEW MRS. XXX. But they told him that he WOULDN'T be welcome in their family or their home. This is by FAR the most serious language I've ever heard them use.<P>They told her that she needed to END it with him, and probably stay seperated from me (and I agree), to sort things out.<P>I know in my heart that if I were only given a chance, she'd see that she can love me. Look at how much I love her right now after falling out of love with her and IN love with someone else. I know that I've had a problem with depression and I'm getting the help I need there. We're BOTH in individual counselling (though we've stopped couples). I know that I probably have a drinking problem and will not drink any more (especially on the meds). <P>I'm doing the things that I need to do....for ME, for HER, for US. But she's still unwilling to commit to even ending her affair at this point, let alone reconciling our marriage. She says that she cares about me and wants to be sure I'll be OK if/when it doesn't work. She can see her future with him, though I firmly believe it wouldn't be as good as the future I see for US.<P>I know I've pressed WAY too hard over the last couple of weeks and I'm trying to stop that. I know that she needs time, but she needs it AWAY from him. We are keeping in frequent contact, and we're going to be starting to have supper together as often as possible. We haven't split our finances, though I've been a little uneasy about that. I think I can trust her not to screw both of us in that way, but then again, I thought I could trust her.... I truly don't want to go down that path as it's just one step closer to a divorce. We agree that we don't want to rush into a divorce, which at least gives me hope that she's keeping the option of US open.<P>I really don't feel that there's much of a split of EN, because I just plain haven't been here for the last year. And so it's not like plan B would be any different than status quo. I've printed off the steps to reconciliation and the EN checklist from this site, but I think it's too soon to give these to her. I have referenced several other sites, for her, but I don't feel any have been as inclusive and helpful as this one (maybe I should let her see it).<P>I'm just not the kind of person who can easily sit back and let things happen.....I NEED to be involved in the outcome (at least the un-depressed me).<P>But I KNOW that I can't make her see that she needs to end her affair.<P> Please help me.<BR> Thanks,<BR> Kev

Welcome (((((KEV))) Sorry you're having to go through this. You've come to a very good site for help. One thing that I read in your post is that you do NOT like the loss of control in this situation. Unfortunately, you have to try to let it go. You can only control yourself and your actions. Making your W see the light will NOT work. Believe me, I spent several months trying to make my H see the light about his A. It pushed him further away. Now after 8 months, I've finally backed off, and guess what? He's coming towards me! It's a painful process that's only begun for you. Read as much as you can about Plans A and B. Get Surviving an Affair. It's helpful for both the BS and WS, but don't at this point, push anything on your W. Read here and post often. There is a thread for newcomers in the Just Found Out forum. I will pray for your peace and strength in the coming days, weeks and months. You sound like you are working towards fixing your problems that led to the breakdown of your marriage. That's the best place for you to start. Concentrate on you. Your W will hopefully see the changes in you without you trying to control her actions. Take care,<P>MOM

I think the toughest thing to do is realize that you can't control what your spouse does. They have to come out of it on their own. I also felt the desperate feelings of dealing with everything right away. I guess I was one of the lucky one (if there is so a thing when an A is involved) since my H wanted me and he didn't have an EA. I was able to relax a little when I realized that life would be upside down for a while and all I could do was concentrate on me and making me a better person.<P>So take care of you, and become the person you want to be for you. Permanent changes can only be made when you do them for yourself, not for others. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you will feel better because you have become a better person. If possible, you should also go to counselling, it can be very helpful.

Thanks for your kind encouragements. I realize that I need to do what is right for ME, and I'm trying. In the last couple of weeks I've taken a HARD look inside of myself and I haven't liked what I've seen.....the reluctance to get help for depression, the untruthfullness about MY EA for several years, the lack of communication (which has ALWAYS been of utmost importance to me). Where do these habits come from?<P>I begged my W to just give me a chance to PROVE to her (and myself) that these are in fact things that I'm going to change permanently. I WILL change them, I only hope she gives it a chance.<P>Again, thanks.<BR>K

Just wanted to wish you luck kevco. I feel like your W and I have a lot in common. I'm 33, married 11 years. My OM is now 21. My husband was mostly unavailable to me for 9 years. Before we were married my friends referred to my H as the prince of depression. I thought all would be well, we were very happy for several years. I thought I could make everything better, after all he wasn't usually that way with me. I spent many years living as if I were single, since my H was never around. OM was a coworker/friend who had time and energy to spend with me. It turned into an EA fairly easily. I've been in no contact since November and it's still making me insane. I never moved out of our house, but I'm still emotionally detached from my H. It takes a long time. I'm sorry your W isn't with you. Try to be patient and please try to control the angry outbursts. I still have trouble talking to my H about feelings because I keep expecting him to explode. Again, good luck and take care of YOU.

Kevco,<BR> Sorry you&#8217;re going through this. I can surely relate to your predicament. I&#8217;m 39 and been married to my W for 20 years. My D-day was 27 Aug 01, I found out about my W&#8217;s A and also that I have been suffering from chronic depression for over 10 years. In the weeks since I found this site (I got the link from my W ironically enough). I&#8217;ve come to a great many realizations. As many here will tell you, you have zero control over anyone but yourself! It seems simple conceptually but I&#8217;m here to tell you it&#8217;s a B**** to live. I&#8217;m heavily into Plan A right now and doing all I can to &#8220;fix&#8221; myself. I know the feeling of having a huge stone lifted from your soul as the meds kick in. In many respects, I&#8217;m just learning who I really am since I&#8217;ve been &#8220;gone&#8221; for so long. There are folks around here much more appropriate to give you advise but I will offer a few feeble words&#8230;.<P>Plan A for you! It&#8217;s about making you a better person, try not to lose sight of that! Also remember that the point to plan A is to make maintainable changes. I look at myself as plan Aing for life, no matter how my M works out. Being brutally honest with one&#8217;s self can be a painful process but worth the effort IMHO.<P>Read everything on this site. The wealth of information and solid advice here is mind-boggling. Use the resources at hand. There&#8217;s a fantastic &#8220;welcome package&#8221; in the notable posts section I believe.<P>Give your W lots of space! I&#8217;m learning this the heard way, pressuring her is the worst thing you can do. It&#8217;s like walking a tightrope in many respects. It&#8217;s so hard to know how far to back off and when you&#8217;ll need to. I&#8217;m slowly learning to read the signs.<P>Time and patience!!! This will most likely be one of the toughest things you&#8217;ll ever experience. <P><BR>Again, welcome, you&#8217;ve found an outstanding resource to help you through this. There are some incredible and extremely insightful people that post here. I wish you all the b

Thank you all for your warm wishes... Just FYI, THIS is the user account that I will be using (diff user# than the original post). I had a SNAFU in registering THIS account and so used another email address.....I will forever be known as kevco- now (since it won't let me reuse the other display name).<P>I thank you all for the advice and support in this. I KNOW what I have to do, but the WHAT IF just kills me. And subtlty/patience has never been a strong point with me.<P>Again, thanks and God bless<BR>Kev