I dyed my hair red, my H didn't want me too. So I just wanted to. I had it sitting in my cupboard for awhile and I hate to waste. I wanted to get rid of it so I thought what a great time, around Halloween. I thought if he doesn't like it i can always change it. It's not permante like a tatoo or anything. <P>Well now he wants to leave me because he thinks that all I am ever going to do is listen to Sherry, who cares about anyone else. I think he is not seeing my side and I think he is being controlling. <P>Did I really do bad?? Should he leave me over something so stupid? I was going to the store to get a darker color and he said why, It doesn't matter anymore. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] AAAHHHH I am baging my head on a wall right now please help. Sherry

Sher,<P>You mean you are banging your <B>RED</B> head on the wall! <P>I can see the issue from both sides, so I don't know what good I'll be to you.<P>Sherry, you feel like it's no big deal, so what you dyed your hair. You're an adult, you can do what you want, right? <P>SEM may be thinking that you really don't care what he has to say. His trust in you right now is so fragile, even a drop of red hair dye can shatter it. Please keep this in mind before you go against his wishes. For a little while, as masochistic as it may sound to you, it will enable him to begin to foster trust in you. For awhile you really do need to handle him with kid gloves. Respect his wishes. Keep in mind what really counts - honey, you can dye your hair any old time. <P>This may sound old-fashioned to you, but it has always worked for us; before committing any felony involving changing my hair I always ask my H first what he thinks about it. When I have gone against his advice, I have inevitably been sorry - not cause he harrasses me about it but because I wish I'd left well enough (or bad enough) alone. Take for instance the time I had my long hair hacked visciously off my head in a pregnacy induced fit of self-loathing. HE said, "don't do it, you're <I>always sorry</I> when you do!" I came home looking like Annie Lennox and had to suffer for the past year while it has grown back in to something resembling normalacy.<P>I remember the 'stupid fight' era - we are still in it sometimes it seems. It doesn't take much before you feel like climbing the walls and can't stand to look at each other. But it's no cause to leave. SEM, I'll personally bean you if you throw in the towel over a red head. <P>You guys are both wound up so tight and sick of stepping on each other's toes - please try to rememeber what's really important. SEM I KNOW you are reading this young man - don't worry, hon, I doubt very much that your W is up to no good. Try to see the humor in it and be nice - give her a hug and tell her that you think she's beautiful the way she is naturally, but now you are upset because you will no longer be able to find her in a crowd. <P>Lighten up, both of you - that's an order! I would love to see the two of you collapse in a fit of giggles over this, because laughter is so healing. It helps you remember why you are here in the first place. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Love,<P>Khyra

Yay, khyra! ditto [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>{{{{{{{sem and ks}}}}}}

I don't know your story but I thought I would give you my two cents worth. Many times in the past I have bent over backwards trying to not upset my wife. As a result I became too passive and I haven't done enough for me. In the past few years I have tried to do more for me. While I admit that my wife resist some of the things I do, I know I feel better about myself. <P>By the way, red hair color is my favorite! Keep it!<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Want Love ]

Was I really LBing? I don't want to upset him, too late. But I wanted a little harmless fun for halloween. I usually spray colors in it but it' is so hard to wash out.<BR>I didn't think it would bother him this much. God I am so sorry. I really screwd up.

Is there a web site about wanting to inflict self pain?? Isn't that like a mental disease?

POJA says that you NEVER do ANYTHING without the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of your spouse.<P>You broke the POJA, making your feelings and wants more important than your H's. You gained at his expense.<P>Yep, an LB for sure.

what's going on there you 2? Let us know you're ok. Keep Smiling... no pain infliction please. cmon<P><BR>You know I'm here for you if you wanna call.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<BR>thanks for talking to me. I'm glad you 2 are ok. hang in there!<P>come back later and read this great advice.

I don't remember which of you is the BS and WS, Keep Smiling...<P>But even though I am the slowly recovering WS, my H does NOT give me orders. He makes requests, like a respectful spouse does. He offers his opinion. He does not tell me I can't do things I want to do. He says he prefers that I don't do things I know will upset him. And I am working on making sure that I stay within those boundaries.<P>As far as the hair color, my H has dyed my hair for me many times. And yes it's red. But it washes out/fades/grows out. It's hardly permanent. Relax SEM, She can always dye it back to her own color. Is this really that big a deal in the overall picture?<P>I guess I just don't get what the problem is here...

Ok, <P>Thank you all for your help.<P>I hate using this board as a way to argue or fight with KS, but I feel that maybe I could give you my perspective on this, since she left it a little one sided.<P>The other day we had a discussion about the hair color thing. She has died her hair red in the past, and I didn't like it at all. I love her hair, and her natural color hair. Only 3 months ago she did blond highlights, and I was completely fine with it, didn't argue or anything. So when she told me she wanted to die her hair red, I told her I didn't like her hair red. I told her we should go to the store and pick something out that we would both would like, because I didn't like her hair when she had it red last time. I didn't order KS to do anything or not to do anything, but she basically dropped the issue, and I assumed she was ok with that idea. I actually suggested something much darker like dark brown....So it wasn't like I was trying to find something that would be very little difference in her hair color.<P>Well, I came home from work the next day and she is dying her hair....Yes I was angry, not because she disobeyed me, or went against my orders, but because she totally disregarded how I felt about it, and I feel that she obviously wasn't doing it to impress me....So who was she trying to impress. I feel like my opinion doesn't count and my suggestions were disregarded.<P>I just saw the KS that she was at the time of her As, the KS that didn't take her Hs feelings into conciderations, and just does something whether SEM likes it or not. Basically a big trigger.<P>So I felt I was willing to work with her on it and talk to her about it......POJA. <P>Perhaps I am making a big deal out of it. It really isn't a matter of color at all, its about the fact that she just does something even if she knows I wont like it or don't like it. <P>About a year ago, I wanted to cut my hair very short for work. I wanted a military type cut. Well KS didn't want me to, so I didn't. I finally talked her into it after like 2 or 3 months, and finally did it. I knew she would have been very angry if I had just done it without her first approving of a big change. I eventually changed my hair again because SHE wanted me too. So why is this any different? Why can't she talk to me before she does it, instead of just doing it even though she knew how I felt about it?<P>Ok sorry that was very long, just kind of venting.

SEM - Thanks for giving us your point of view! I think one of the ...well not really problems, but I can't think of the right word... of these boards is that you only get to hear one side of the issue. I know my husband feels that I generalize too much in what I post, calls some things unfair and untrue - even though they are MY feelings. <p>Maybe the real issue here is why KS felt she needed to describe your wishes as 'orders' and why you needed to feel that just because she dyed her hair a color she knew you wouldn't like, it reflected on her attitude toward everything else in your life together.

Just for the record Sem I get it, and I thought ks was being a bit over the top. In some ways you and ks are doing the same psychological conflict thinker and I are doing, only the roles are reversed. Even though I am the ws, I pretty much understand you (psychologically) . But as a ws I have a lot of sympathy for ks. I know that is clear as mud, but maybe you have a sense of what I am saying. I never really thought it was about the affairs anyways. And YEAH do I know how uncomfortable it is to have conflicts with a spouse on this board!!!!!!!!! But ya know, in a way it does offer another dimension. But I hate being defensive (I think you do too), and ks is a little more looking to rally the troops, not maliciously, but to gain um........ some kind of superior position (thinker does this constantly, for 30 years I have known her)....maybe it is a gender thing, it does seem to fit more with female coping mechanisms...... but drives me crazy, I want to stick to the PROBLEM (our problem), and I don't necessarily give 2 hoots what anyone else thinks, ya know? So on the whole consider this a moderate sem supoport post. I do think ks erred, I think sem accurately described why, and I think ks either didn't listen hard enough, or is displaying a minor attempt at passive/aggressive behaviour and got caught on it. On the other hand, I think sem you maybe need to lighten up a bit on the woe is me (re the affair stuff), in short you guys are in a power struggle right now over how the marriage should be proceeding. This may indeed also reflect on the fitting issues I write so much about, and maybe you guys should back off a bit from recover efforts, and do some psychological profiling for awhile (and it is kinda fun to do too).