I need a little advise. I just found out that my wife of 9+ years ( been together 15)has been having an affair with a co-worker for the past 18 months. We are both 32 years old and have 2 wonderful little girls (6 and 3). My wife has been suffering from Bulimia for about 3 years after she couldnt loose the weight from our second daughter. I always thought she looked great and told her so. She never liked the way she looked.<P>She said the the other man made her feel special and good and that is why it started. We are friends with this guy and our families went on vacations together. After my second daughter was born, my wife withdrew a lot. She never initiated making love, I had to ask for kisses, and I always said "I love you" first. When we would make love, most times she would never kiss me or touch me the entire time.<P>I found out that with the new man, she was concentrating on making him happy. She was concerned and did things to him for his pleasure only. Things she never did with me.<P>Is she using the Bulimia as an excuse for this affair, or is this something that happens with Bulimic people. ( please no Lady Diana references ) I don't know how to react to this. Do I give her a chance? Was it the Bulimia? She said that she still loves me and wants things to work. She has told me sorry and I truely think that she is sorry that she hurt me. The problem is the Bulimia is still there and she is still unhappy with the person she is. (The root problem for all this beginning). She also still works with him and sees him everyday, which drives me nuts.<P>She has told me so many lies over the past 18 months that I don't trust her even when she is supposed to be at work. Please give me some advise...Thanks Jeff

Jeff- Partly a bump up for you, but I'll do what I can. Is your W in treatment for her eating disorder? I've dealt with a friend who was anorexic, and in my studies about eating disorders, I've found them to be remarkably similar to any addiction- alcoholism, drugs, you name it. I don't believe such things "cause" affairs, but boy, does it make things more difficult. Perhaps some research on addictions and their influence on relationships, self-esteem, etc. would help you right now.<P>Maybe there are some MB's who are experienced with addiction? <P>In the meantime, read the information on the web site, the articles, not just the boards. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Read them. They will help. Wish I could do more. You're in my thoughts.

Wecome to MB. Sorry your post was missed by everyone, that sometimes happens, don't let that discourage you, keep coming here and keep posting. This BB is very helpful. Next time just jump back into your post and bump it up to the top.<P>Ok, I don't know about the belimia thing, it does sound like your W is unhappy about herself. That could be why she is looking for Effection from another man, to make her feel better about herself. <P>Order Surviving An Affair, and His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. You will find many answers in these books. You also should probably consider counseling for both of you....together and maybe seperate as well.<P>Is your W continuing this A with OM, and is it possible to have no contact with him? <P>Good luck<BR>E

all right....gotta jump on this one.<p>One of my H's EN's is to have an attractive spouse. I've always been "cute" but after the kids, I weighed about 40 pounds more than I used to. <p>My H never complained about my weight. But he never made me feel good about myself either. I never felt attractive to him. I never felt desired.<p>When I started talking online to OM, he made me feel all of those things. We wanted to meet. We set a time in the future -- and that spurred me to action. I wanted to look good for him. I became bulimic. I lost 40 pounds. I looked great.<p>H responded to my weight loss, and got nothing but anger from me. All of a sudden he wanted me all the time, desired me. Too late from my perspective -- I had found that affection, desire, attention from someone else.

Boy, you need a hug. {{{{{{{{Jeff}}}}}}}} I am going through the same things, but with a bit of a twist. Our 17-year-old daughter has been battling bulimia for 5 years now. During that same time period (I found out several months ago), my H of 20 years had 2 affairs. So I know how you feel.<p>One similarity I have noticed between my H and my D, through personal observation and things I have read, is that both tend to be people pleasers and perfectionists. They are usually much harder on themselves and expect more from themselves than others do. They need tons of attention and admiration.<p>I don't think the bulimia necessarily led to the affair. But the personality traits for both behaviors are very much alike, as with many other "addictions" (which both of these really are, I think). <p>Counseling would probably be very helpful, for both of you, but especially for your wife. Many communities also have support groups for those with eating disorders and their "support people." This has probably helped my daughter as much as anything. There has also been some successful treatment with antidepressants (particularly Prozac, for Bulimia) or medications for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I would definitely recommend checking into some of these options. <p>As for recovering from my H's infidelities, this board has been a lifesaver countless times. Come here as often as you need to. It's a safe place to vent, ask questions, and know that you are truly understood.<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: Persevering ]</p>

Welcome JF, sorry your post was missed. I'm fairly new around here as well and can offer no advice regarding the bulimia. The best advice I can offer is to absorb all the information on this site. It can really open your eyes! There are some great people posting here and you've came to the right place to be sure.

Good Question --topic
I believe my W could possibibly suffer from same condition -- I know she has become obsessed about her weight, beginning in January of 2000 -- she confessed to starting A's (Two OM 32 & 36 --she is 49 -D/D 01/17/01) in July (I have a suspion she did something in February, do not know for sure), anyway over an 8 month period or so she lost 35 pounds. - Chicken or the egg??
Her A's were very lustful & she had another confirmed A 20 years ago - I have read a lot about Sex adiciton & believe this is an issue with her. That material suggests multiply compulsive behavior is common -- as others have suggested here, it is an attempt to gsain control in life or to offer good feeling to offset bad feeling they have internalized, perhaps about themselves & self image thing.
In my W's case I know she has forced vomitting to feel better when feeling nausia or with upset stomoch -- I'm sure she has also forced some when she has went on eating binge -- her cousin has been in counseling for this, so I feel my W is sensative to this potential & knows I am suspecting this of her at times, so perhaps is not totally honest with me about the times she vomitts. I know just last weekend, she eat a lot (by her standards) at a wedding reception & a party aterwards. The next morning she mentions she got up during the night & vomittted -- like involuntary, as a result of upset stomoch. Do you know, is this seemingly involuntary vomitting a sypmtom of the bulimia? <p>Hope you hang in!
Peace,
HH