Good morning all,<P>My W and I discussed selling the house and separating vs. divorce. She said she didn't think separating would make a difference. I told her that I still believe in our marriage and I believe we can recapture the love we had for each other, but I think we need to be away from each other for awhile. I told her that it's possible in time that she may have a change of heart and want to give our marriage a try or I may decide that divorce is the best thing. It won't hurt to try it and it will give us a chance to see what it's like to be on our own, the affect it will have on our daughter, the financial realities, etc. without having divorce proceedings hanging over our head. Whatever she decides, she agrees we need to sell the house.<P>She doesn't understand why we can't just sit down, work out all the details in a friendly manner and go see a lawyer together. I said we will need two lawyers. I can't let my feelings for her allow me to agree to something that's not in my best interest and that I will rely on my lawyer to do what's in my best interest. Selling the house and splitting up the proceeds is a no-brainer. As far as custody, she said 50/50 joint custody with our daughter splitting time equally is OK with her. I was surprised she would suggest this because I don't think that's in our daughter's best interest in the long run. A child needs a place to call home. She may be afraid of a potential custody battle and details of her A coming out in court. Although they should have no bearing on custody, I'm sure she doesn't want to risk exposure. There are also financial issues to be addressed, namely my share of her profit sharing and stocks. This issue has never been mentioned and I'm not even sure if she knows I'm entitled to this or she may know and thinks I don't. She has never mentioned what her "grounds" for divorce will be. I assume "irreconcilable differences". She wants this all settled without ever going to court to avoid facing up to what she's done. I just don't see that happening. I can't agree to irreconcilable differences when no attempt to reconcile was ever made on her part.<P>The conversation started to get a little heated at one point, but I was able to get it back on track. I never mentioned OM. I'm not sure what's going on there, but I'm trying to find out. I believe he is still very much in the picture and the reason she wants a divorce. If I find this to be true (and I know it is), I will plan B as soon as we are out of the house. If he wasn't still in the picture, I can see no reason for her not to be willing to try separating. What would be the downside? <P>sad dad

Hi - my wife has a friend from high school that walked in on his own wife sleeping with an OM. Now they are divorced, the wife has married OM, and the poor guy has the standard weekend/weeknight visitation deal. They "worked this out" with no lawyer involved. <P>Right after D-day my wife brought this up as a model for us to follow. I have to admit I didn't take it well and LBed, but that was before I found this site. But she continues to say we should work something out and not "waste money" on lawyers. Meanwhile, I've heard that she had visited a couple of lawyers and discovered some weaknesses in her own position.<P>Here in PA, we have both no-fault divorce and fault divorce, for which "indignities" can be one of the grounds. My wife wanted a no-fault divorce, or the closely related indignities. I told her then (LBing) that I would file on fault grounds, and if it comes to that point, I'll still do that.<P>This eagerness to "sit down and work out the details together" probably reflects two desires. One is to lock down favorable terms, and the other is to avoid public disclosures.<P>There is no downside to a separation (vs. divorce) for you, but there could be for her. People are going to ask why, and thus the affair will come out. Because I'll bet you can't go along with some vague and generic explanation, like she probably wants.<P>- Tom

tmmx,<P>You wrote:<P>"There is no downside to a separation (vs. divorce) for you, but there could be for her. People are going to ask why, and thus the affair will come out. Because I'll bet you can't go along with some vague and generic explanation, like she probably wants."<P>Everyone already knows we are having problems. Her parents, sister and several other people already suspect an affair. Either way, she'll have to come up with some explanation. I agree she's trying to avoid public disclosure, thus her willingness for 50/50 shared custody. This will allow her to avoid going to court. I honestly don't see how splitting our daughter between two homes is in her best interest.<P>sad dad<P>sad dad

HI SD-I think she's getting ALOT of pressure from OM to divorce you. I think this because she's acting just like my H did when we were at that point. Now he NEVER mentions divorce EVER but it was a frequent topic when he was secretly continuing contact with OW. There is NO WAY she is thinking clearly or objectively as long as she is still in contact with OM. I agree with you that joint phsyical custody SOUNDS good but a child needs a home base to rely on - not be sent back and forth back and forth every few days. My older kids have friends who live like that and they HATE it. They never can make friends that way because its so hard to arrange play dates, bday parties, sports etc. not to mention the emotional upheaval. That is why I would never agree to that kind of custody living arrangement if H divorced me. I told H I would rather go for main custody and start my life over somewhere else! Dont be so sure your W"s affair wont affect the custody decision. I know in OH it definitely would. Alot depends on the judge you get too and what their views are. Definitely retain your own lawyer and dont share one. That is craziness on her part to think you would SHARE one! For heavens sake- you arent even sharing a bed together so why share lawyers? Of course she wants the easy way out! My H did too- its part of their denial about reality land.When my H had to finally give up living 2 lives he found out that being married and having a real family life is what its all about. lifeismessy

sad dad,<P>You are right about the split custody. My almost 3 year old grandson refers to "Mommy's house" and "Daddy's house" but does not call either one "my house."<P>BTW, the "Let's see a lawyer together." ploy is designed to make things easier for the WS. Protect yourself! Don't fall for tese selfish demands. My DIL tricked my S with the no individual lawyer talk. Did she have her own? You bet.<P>Estes

lim, <BR>I knew you'd be checking in. Our stories are so eerily similar. You may be right about OM putting on the pressure. He's got to be getting antsy waiting take things to the next level. <P>estes,<BR>I couldn't agree with you more. <P>I think I handled it pretty well. She tried to push my buttons quite a bit, but I held my own. I followed Steve's advice:<P>1. pursue selling the house either way; it's necessary if we divorce, but if we reconcile we'll probably need to start out fresh<P>2. convey my belief that our marriage is salvagable, plant the seed of hope<P>3. do not mention A or OM<P>4. do not get angry<P>I did all of these things. IMO, OM is definately still in the picture. If he wasn't, I can't see what her opposition would be to separating. He is clearly influencing her thinking/decisions and she is affraid of this ever going to court and facing the consequences of her actions. <P>Whether we separate or she files, 50/50 shared custody will be necessary, but only until a final decision has to be made. It is not a permanent solution for the reasons you've both pointed out. My daughter needs a place to call home and I want that place to be with me, but in the end I'll do whatever is best for my daughter, even if it means being a weekend dad. I will not jeopardize her happiness for my own. <P>sad dad

Saddad,<P>I have a story to tell you.<P>I took my family to a pumpkin patch last weekend and my W and I made small talk on the way there. She started to tell me about her girlfriend who is D. My W said that her girlfriend went to her ex's house to help him and his new girlfriend work on the yardwork that weekend. I said why would her friend do something like that. My W replyed "people who get a D can get along just fine, it happends all the time". My W also said that her GF has custody one week with her boys and the H has them the next. She talked about how happy her GF and EX were. <P>I know it was a LB, but I told my W that it was a bad situation to have the kids in one place one week and another place the next. Me personally, I think that it's unhealthy to move kids up around every week. They need a home - one place. Of course my W disagreed. I think my W was laying down some ground work on me. That's my foggy W.<P>Dino

dino,<p>I agree with everyone, shuffling children from home to home is not in their best interest. I hope it doesn't come to that.<p>My W had her after work junior achievement program last night. This is where she got involved with OM last year. I found out he is not in the program this year or at least he wasn't there last night. I have no proof of any contact (outside of work) between them since early September. I really don't know what the status of the A is. Could it be over? Could he have broke it off until she divorces me? Could they just be being really careful? I can't assume anything. I need to know so I can decide how to handle what comes next. If we sell the house and separate, do I continue plan A or go to plan B? If she files, do I counter file (as suggested by Steve Harley)? <p>sad dad<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Found out yesterday that OM isn't at work this week. He must be on vacation or something, but this may explain why he wasn't at Junior Achievement with my W on Wednesday. I'll have to wait until she has JA again in two weeks to find anything out. I know I shouldn't be focusing on what she's doing, but I need to know where they stand so I know what course of action to take.<p>sad dad