My H & I are sooooooo far gone in the needs department. We can't have a normal conversation without it ending in disappointment. I am the BS & I hate him every day for it. I cannot forget or forgive no matter how hard I try. His needs & mine are worlds apart. I can't meet his (sexually)& he can't meet mine (socially) I read other peoples posts about never bring up the affair. How on earth do you not when it is a pulsating oozing wound? I know that I am doing damage in our relationship by constantly being in a crummy mood. He has been talking about coming home early from work for days now & asking me if I would wait up for him. I interpret it as wait up for me to fill my needs sexually, instead of will you wait up for me so that I could hold your hand & talk to you. You don't have to feel any pressure to have sex with me unless you want to. When we have sex now, he is already talking about the next time. I feel sick being with him after what he has done. I feel like he is just a Horney man. I know that he loves me but I need him to start over with me & woo me. The rest will fall into place, I hope! I feel like we are drowning.

are you talking to someone, that might help you personally get over these feelings.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bula:<BR><STRONG> I read other peoples posts about never bring up the affair. How on earth do you not when it is a pulsating oozing wound? </STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I might be able to help wiht that. My H and I discussed the affair very little, at my request. As much as I have that "Gotta look at the trainwreck mentality" I was able to pull myself together and think "What do I REALLY need to know?" That was simple..<BR>1. Is it over?<BR>2. Are you in love with her?<BR>3. Are you sure in your decision to be with me?<P>I knew I couldn't handle the deatils, they would have made me insane. Besides, there was no way of knowing if I was getting the truth or not anyway and none of those things had anythign to do with our recovery. As far as not bringing it up... I've had PLENTY of bit my tongue moments where I wanted to bring it up. But stop and think first - 'How will this make him feel? How can bringing up topic X improve our marriage? Will it make things worse? Is there anything he can do to fix it if I do bring it up?" Most importantly I tried to put myself in his place. If I had been the one to make a terrible mistake, and I was doing everything possible to make up for it, how would I feel if he kept throwing it in my face? It isn't fair, but that is the part of the road the betrayed spouse hs to walk alone. You can't keep rubbing it in and expect it not to build resentment.

bula,<BR>I am so sorry that you are hurting so deeply that you can't allow yourself to forgive. It must eat you up inside. <BR> <BR>I ran across a statement by the author,<BR>Max Lucado, that says. "Relationships don't <BR>thrive because the guilty are punished, but because the innocent are merciful."<P>If you stop to think about it, it's true.<BR>The guilty WS can be punished over and over and over, but until the BS can learn to forgive and be merciful, nothing changes in their relationship. And the one who just keeps on harboring the hurt and pain, ends up a very bitter angry person. <P>It takes a great deal more courage to learn to forgive. And to forgive doesn't mean that you forget. It means you let go of the resentment and anger. Of course you have to work thru the pain. You need to talk to your H about how you feel about having sex with him. If you don't like that he talks about the next, tell him so. Tell him you want the cuddling and hugs more than the actual act of sex.<P>Just as our thought life can lead us into an A, it can also not allow us the freedom to forgive the guilty. Our thoughts lead us to become very dissatisfied with what you have or don't have. I don't know if you believe the Bible, but there is a verse that can help.<BR>2 Corinthians 10:5 "We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."<P>My H showed me how much he loved me by how mercifully he forgive my A. He showed me that only with true forgiveness could we hope to make our marriage again. And when thoughts come to me that make me wonder if I did the right thing, I take them captive and ask God to give me thoughts that would be pleasing to Him. This isn't an overnight cure. It takes hard diligent work. And many times I fail, but I never stop trying.<P>Please look deeper into your heart and see if you can't find a way to forgive your H and have mercy on him<P>Debbie

Bula,<BR>I think you're being too hard on yourself. First of all, forgiveness is a part of the process. I think everything's too fresh. Ask God to help you through the anger and rage of the betrayal. If you H is willing to recommit to the marriage, start setting some boundaries. It can't be ALL about his sexual fulfillment needs. While Plan A is about being the best person you can be for the marriage, it is NOT about being a doormat (or a receptacle for your H's total satisfaction). I'm sorry to sound so crude, but I think that if he's really committed to working on the marriage with you, he has GOT to start taking some of your needs into consideration. This cannot be all about him. Can you both see a counselor together? I have not had to deal with the SF department, as my H's A was mostly about the emotional stuff, but I can't help but think that you H seems to be overdoing the SF need a bit, considering you have 5 children to run after and all. As far as his wooing you, that doesn't usually come into play right away. I think you both really need to talk this through with a professional. He seems very selfish in the one area that I would think we be awfully hard for you to fulfill while you are carrying around such anger. Pray for strength, peace and discernment. I will say a prayer for you and your H. Take care and give it some time.<P>MOM

Thank you all for your kind words,
I need this forum to keep me sane because I feel like I'm going crazy with emotion. We are seeing a counselor. I went 1 x so far & my H who is very against counseling will be going today. I wish I could apply the advice that you all have given to me but I can't seem to stop my emotions. I will probably be the one to push my H away. He is not the begging type. What I mean is that he will leave without a fight. I just have to say the words. Last night he came home early, we started to have sex & in the mist of the act everything went wrong & the act was aborted. We can't even get that right any more! Well now I have my baby daughter screaming by my feet as I type so I have to go, Thanx again for all your kind words.

bump up for bula.<p>Bula,<p>just wanted you to know that you've been in my thoughts the past few days and that you're not alone out there.<p>Don't be so hard on yourself or on your husband, bula. Take some time. Don't rush it. It's taken years for your relationship to get where it is today so don't expect it to get fixed overnight.<p>Practice damage control - and Plan A your husband. Let him know that even tho sex might not work at the moment - you still love him. Make him feel that he's the most important relationship in your life. More important even than the kids.<p>take care of yourself,<p>- Freddy