Since "profiles" is gone, first, I'll post the Reader's Digest version of my story. <p>Jan '00- H met a woman through work, developed a "crush", which I found out about a few weeks later, and all inappropriate contact ended. April '01, he worked with her again (convention- dang things come up every year), this time their "friendship" exploded into a full blown EA. Dday #2 May 30, 2001. OW moved across country end of July, contact has waned, but not stopped completely. I am certain they have not seen one another, even though he has travelled to her neck of the woods once, and is on his way there for business as I type this. <p>I have done my best possible plan a. We are both in individual counseling, he with a "traditional" therapist, me with a pastor at my church. I have tried to get him (gently, and in the spirit of plan A) to see someone as a couple, but alas, he's just not "ready" yet. <p>He told me last weekend that he was considering a separation, "just so I can't hurt you anymore" and had discussed this idea with his therapist. I assured him that I loved him and wanted him here with me. I also told him that without a commitment from him, I might eventually "run out of love for him", and ask him to leave, but please, let me decide that. We also talked about establishing "no contact" with OW. I think he's toying with the idea, but not quite there yet. Unfortunately, I believe he sees "no contact" as a temporary experiment, as in "I won't call for six weeks and see how I feel", but that's neither here nor there, I guess. He talked about this with his therapist again this week, and they agreed that even saying "I'm leaving for you" is a major cop-out, basically horse-dukey, and that if he decides on a separation, it's for him, not me. Apparently, his therapist is not at all familiar with Harley principals, because she was fascinated by the idea of "no contact" with OW. (Beginning to wonder about his counselor, too- neither here nor there either, I guess.)<p>My issue right now- as we were talking last night, he told me his therapist said to him "you have this trip coming up- it could be your chance to have "no contact" with anyone. Maybe that would help clear things up for you". I told him I would honor that, if it's what he wanted, but that I didn't think the kids should pay any price, and he agreed that he would call to speak to them IF he decided to try it (no contact with me). At any rate (man, am I rambling, and I AM sorry), he suffers from cluster headaches and one hit him before we really finished our conversation. I got him a damp cloth and prayed for his head, and let it lie. He left this morning for a two and a half week business trip, and I don't know what is going to happen. He did say "I'm not sure I could go that long without talking to you- I think I'd miss you too much". But I don't know if I'll hear from him or not. <p>Why am I even posting this? I guess because I need someone else to remind me what I've been saying to others lately. "Take a deep breath". "Don't panic". "Don't do anything you might regret later". "You can't control your spouse". "Plan a is for your own personal growth". "Concentrate on and be good to yourself". If I know all those things, why do I feel so vulnerable? Oh great, crying again. I've often thought I had no tears left, then I surprise myself.<p>Don't even know what I'm asking for, but thanks for the chance to talk.

just thoughts, & wanted you to know someone was out here in cyberspace for you.

I'm there with ya Rapunzel. I'm Plan Aing my butt off and things seem to be going pretty well of late. Plan A is about self improvment, so what are you doing for yourself? I got caught up in thinking that it was all about the relationship. I've done a great deal of brutally honest soul searching and I think I've made some great strides in becoming the person I can be and a person that I like. In doing this I've let every other aspect of "me" slide. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Go for a run or get some other exercise, it's great for combating those aniety attacks. I figure if I lose sight of who I am, what do I really have to share with my W? I think that this has to be done a s awhole person concept or the end result won't be maintainable. Just my $.02 My thoughts will be with you.

Even though you KNOW what you need to do, that doesn't mean it will necessarily be easy. You have every right to feel blue.<p>My prayers are with you.
Kev

Its ok to vent. I feel the same today. Thinking that there is no hope left. My H has been gone for akmost a month and I can hardly believe its been that long.. seems like yesterday. The pain is still real fresh and it hurts. I want my life back and I want it now... do I sound like a spoiled brat !! Not really, just tired of being out of control and having to do all this. I panic regularly. I worry about what he is thinking and if he is missing me. I would love to think he is. Married 25 years, how can he not miss me....?? But he is so indifferent on the few occasions that we have been together. I am trying to act happy when he is around and on the phone. I don't want him to think that I am sitting at home pining for him... although I am to some degree.
I think the trick is to stay busy and do things with friends. I have been doing that and now he thinks I am involved with someone.
So, keep busy !! Go out lots. Do hobbies.
I know how hard it is.......... beleive me I know.

Hi Rap,<p>It's me the other one in the south bay..... support is here. Page me if you need to talk. I don't give out this number often but here it is:
408-989-0115. <p>Sending a cyber {{hug}} to you..... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

Wow! Orchid, I feel like I should spank you, or at least call your mama!! Don't you know better than to post any number on the net?????? Anyway, thanks loads, sweetie, I wrote it down, and if you get a strange page beginning with 408-264-XXXX you'll know it's me. I haven't heard anything from him yet. I know he's been on the ground for at least four hours (well, should have been). I'm resisting the temptation to call him, because of what he said. But shouldn't I at least be informed of his wanting a break, if he does? ARGH......<p>Sing, Sofar, Kev, and Juice, thanks for the encouragement and understanding. It is more appreciated than you can imagine. <p>I'll try to take your advice, Juice, get busy, busy, busy.

Hi Rap, <p>I just got home. Ouch, I felt that whack but that is just my pager #. It is separate from my phone. Thanks for the word of caution though. <p>Call whenever you can. I will be available as much as I can. Believe it or not, H is fairly understanding about my speaking to MB people. He has even spoken to some (very very briefly on ICQ and on the phone). He is a soft spoken man and will not scare you (except when he tells you to get off ICQ, you can't hear his voice so he can appear to b a bit gruff) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Bark bigger than bite kind of thing...... <p>You'll be my first local MB call. The rest were across the nation and ocean. <p>Take care, you sound like you are in more control of yourself. That is good. <p>Take Care,
L.

Yeah, I am more in control of m'self (haven't cried since this afternoon). It's late where he is now, I'm sure I won't hear from him tonight. Tomorrow is another day, right? I'm planning on forcing the kids into bed soon so I can follow shortly. I think I really need a good nights sleep. I am not going to call him!!!!!! I did text page him this evening just saying "I hope you're okay- ILY-C". That is enough for me to do right now, I hope. I wish someone would give me a roadmap to his confused little brain. But I know only he can do that. I may call tomorrow, Orchid, thanks so much for being there. BTW, my name is Carol.