Is this possible? Would you accept it? Any WS's opinions? H says I keep in touch with xlovers. They were lovers I had before I met H, they also live 20000kms away, and I don't keep in touch with them regularly (once in 5 years, if ever???) and also don't call them my friends. Told H too I wouldn't contact them in any form if H had told me it greatly upsets him and if it was a threat for our marriage.
I get it . H isn't fully committed to make the marriage work.BUT..
H wants to go and see a councellor next week. I feel like for what reason? OW is still in a picture as a friend (not as a lover anymore!!) I don't accept it .H says that finishing it for good with her won't fix us.
Should I give him one more chance? See if we could sort things out, see the councellor? This has taken so long, we have been separated for over a year now.
There have been a couple of attempts to reconcile and H has talked about moving back together.Actions? They don't speak much anything different at the moment..Plan B time once again I guess...
sigh...slow motion rollercoaster ride here we go again.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BearsInForest:
<strong>H says that finishing it for good with her won't fix us.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Maybe not, but it is one damn fine place to start!<p>My wife sorta did the same as your husband. If, during the 6 months we were seperated, my raising the kids, her off with { name omitted and despised }, I had dated once, it woulda been over. They, WS, seem to need to believe that we're totally committed to the marriage as they think it's doomed, largely by their own acts (despite all the puffery and smoke they send our way).<p>It's not fair. But... that's the way it is.
Good luck.<p>Bob<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: BamaAngst ]</p>

Not much for giving any good advice right now, but I can commiserate with you. My wife used to and probably still would say the same thing about her relationship with the OM. Standing firmly on the statement that the ongoing (friends only or not) relationship OM had nothing to do with our problems. Over time my response to that statement was "maybe not to you, but it does to me" The last time it was ever discussed she stuck firmly to her view and I asked/stated to her "If it makes no difference between us, then I would guess it wouldn't change anything between us if I started seeing other women?". Her answer&#8230;."Ahh&#8230;That would make a difference, because that's different"

Thanks BA and HI,
It seems to be WSs way of justifying their actions. H wants to be friends with OW so he's telling me I am friends with those men from my past. The difference is there that I was never unfaithful to H during our marriage (no EA or PA)and haven't been involved with anyone else during our separation either.I think a lot of BSs have played with a thought of having an A themselves.Not a good idea.
Life at the moment:
H needs OW.
I still love H.
I would love to make it work , and us being a family again.
OW doesn't fit in that picture.
Someone has to go, 3 is a crowd.
I haven't given up, but I feel much stronger setting up boundaries.Sent a message to H not to come around tomorrow as it was planned.
I am starting to put a plan B letter together.Trying to gather pieces for that Inner Strenght to help me get through this difficult time.

The meaning of my previous post was not to encourage you or anyone other BS to seek an EMA. Merely that several WS say this and seem to feel it's splitting hairs to say you can not be friends since it's over, because they can not see or choose not to see that it does make a difference between "us" and "our" issues that started the problem in the fist place when the shoes is hypothetically placed on the other foot.<p>
Sorry for the confusion&#8230;(1 am posts)<p>HI<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Hi Infidelity ]</p>

Hi BearsInForest,<p>Well, to be honest, he is justifying what he wants to do based on your keeping contact (albeit very infrequently) with your ex-partners. This is, as you clearly see, a ridiculous argument for keeping a friendship with OW. He just wants his cake and eat it too.<p>Recently I found out my H was still with OW. I put Plan B into effect immediately, because I know while he is with her, he will never be able to be objective about us....far from it. So to stop myself from being hurt, and preserving that miniscule piece of love I have left for him, I needed MY space.<p>I wrote him a letter, to which he responded (you may have read). I am really feeling good about it. The reason is that I feel I am protecting myself, and I am not allowing contact with him because it hurts every time I hear his dead voice.<p>He is respecting my wishes btw. He had some stuff to ask me about tonight, important stuff, and he had phoned the kids. As soon as he hung up, he emailed me. So there is my wall up nice and firmly to surround me. I like it this way, and I will keep it up until he gets rid of her.<p>Now this is all my opinion and it is working for me. But I have been cheated on openly twice in the last year, and I have come to realise that there were three more before them. So I guess I have had enough, and that is why Plan B works for me. People say it is really hard to Plan B...I don't think so. I was truly ready for it. I have been able to come here without a lot of bitterness, however, and I think that is because of a good Plan A.<p>Don't go into Plan B until you are really ready. It can mean the end, and you have to be prepared to accept that.<p>Hope I haven't rambled too much! Just wanted to help.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

my 2 cents are that you should both drop all contact with OPs. Maintaining contact is obviously an LB for both of you, so drop the contact.<p>Sounds like you need to confront and deal with the issues within your relationship. The OPs are just a distraction and open the gate to judgements and abusive behaviour.<p>If you both want to make the marriage work and you want to follow MB principles then developing a good Plan A is a damned good place to start. No LBs, and spending time together.<p>good luck,<p>- Freddy

For what it's worth, I've seen both sides of this particular coin.<p>5 years ago, I had an EA (for about 6 months), but my W never found out (until recently). Eventually, I ended the EA and didn't see the OW for quite some time (even though we did work at the same location). In the last 2-3 years we've renewed our >>FRIENDSHIP<< and now occasionally have lunch or give blood, etc... Because I voluntarily ended the EA (and maybe because she's also recommitted to her M - w/ 2 kids) I no longer have ANY romantic feelings toward her.<p>However, now my W is having a PA and she's not ready to end it yet. She's been friends w/ OM for 6 years and at this point can't possibly see them not being friends. A couple of weeks ago, when I found out (and revealed my own), I demanded (LB) that they end it, but suggested that maybe after a year or so they could at least (maybe at most) be friends, and I'd be ok with that.<p>Point being, try to see it from the other side. True the WS needs to end ALL contact w/ OP to work on the M, but MAYBE they could handle a friendship after the M is off the rocks.<p>Something to think about, but eventually this is all a decision that the WS will have to make, leaving the BS the task of choosing whether or not to accept it.<p>Best of luck and my prayers are with you.<p>Kev