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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 609
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OK, so tonight was our first NON-LB encounter since D-Day. Plan A, day 1, dinner.<p>During the chit chat (she wanted to talk about her PA, and so I let her, actively listening), she said that if she could "snap her fingers and produce the woman of my dreams who would make me happy forever", she would.<p>I took it all in, gave it careful, thoughtful consideration and replied that SHE ALREADY HAD!<p>She wondered how I could say that and so I told her that I love her because (of all the stuff- caring, intelligent, forgiving, dedicated, comitted, beautiful, etc...)<p>My question is this, what's going on in her head at that moment?<p>I know in her mind (foggy though it is), she's ALREADY mourned for the divorce, though we're far from any such action, because I have been "disconnected" (depression) for over a year. I know that she thinks she loves the OM. But I also know the power of the A because I had an EA (sorry to say) some years ago.<p>I know my therapist is fond of saying that in illogical times, one cannot explain ANYTHING with logic....but what then?<p>I don't know, your thoughts are welcome.<p>Another random thought/question (I have so many). Should I let on that my confidence is at an (almost) all time high? I've been so disconnected with myself, her, the world for so long, and now I finally see things clearly. I have every confidence that eventually, we'll work things out (maybe it's just extreme hopefullness, I don't exactly know, but it sure FEELS like confidence), but I don't want to come off as cocky to her (though she had mentioned that that was one of my original endearing qualities).<p>WHY NOT LOGIC!?<p>Thanks,
Kev<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

Joined: Jul 2001
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Kevco,<p>you haven't been showing your wife your love in a way that she can understand it. You haven't been demonstrating your love to her in a way that makes her feel good about your relationship and in a way that makes her certain, that she knows that she is the most important thing in your life.<p>Because of your behaviour your wife has questioned your love for her. Probably, because she hasn't felt your love for such a long time she not only doubts that you love her, she's stopped believing it. For your wife, this has made her vunerable for a relationship which for her is fulfilling and which meets her emotional needs.<p>Nobody wants to live with somebody who is abusive, judgemental, controlling, emotionally none supportive, etc, etc. Whatever aspects of your behaviour have pushed your wife away from you is where your focus should be. I found MB very helpful in this area. <p>MB principles guide the BS to recognise that they haven't been meeting the needs of the WS. They also help the BS to develop a good Plan A and therefore make the changes in their behaviour which would enable the BS to nurture a loving relationship.<p>The OP (normally) is only a catalyst. It's like they're a temporary shelter from which the WS takes sustenance, rebuilds their strength, start feeling like wanted human beings again, and breath before they make life changing decisions.<p>If you want to save your marriage you probably can. But you'll have to change the way you are and show your wife that a relationship with you is one that she wants. <p>good luck,<p>- Paul

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>My question is this, what's going on in her head at that moment?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Love Bank deposit$$$$, do you see it in her eyes ?.<p>kevco-,
Stop worrying like a teenager ... you love me you love me not !!!. You are doing great, do not expect anything back ... nada when you are in the plan A. Once in a while light shine on WS, your heart will flip restless ... yes, this is up swing on the roller coaster of your life. When W drop you by being back in the fog you feel like downward spiral of 'coaster, turning your stomach up side down. Keep $$$$ deposits [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

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Thank you for the posts.<p>As a matter of fact, I DO believe that I saw it in her eyes. She cried (a little) when I was telling her why I love her. Now, I don't know exactly WHY she cried (missed him-no, sad to hurt me-maybe, glad to hear words I haven't said in a VERY long time and WANTING to believe them-probably, unsure of her decisions to this point-hopefully). <p>She DID call later (work VM as I had the home phone unplugged for dinner and didn't plug it back in for a while) and graciously thank me for the evening (well for the yummy dinner, at least).<p>Oh yeah, about the she loves me, she loves me not....there aren't any flowers left in the house with any petals, I guess I have no choice but to stop that! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks again,
Kev

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kevco-<p>It sounds like you are pushing it. This is the good part of the roller coaster ride. Relax a little. Don't gush over your W when she talks with you. Just thank her and be repsectful. Make her feel safe. If you show enthusiasm, you might push her back. It was good she asked you for your feelings, you didn't offer them when she wasn't ready to listen (or be a student). Keep working on making yourself attractive to your W. Don't try to apply logic to this situation and don't try to 'fix' it, no matter how much better you think you could make it.
SG

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Kevco. Maybe you need to 'speak' to your wife in a different 'love language'. Sound silly to you? Before you blow it off please check into a book called "The five love languages' (anyway thats pretty close to the title) by Gary Chapman. It was a tremendous eye opener for me and, as such, helped a lot in our recovery. The book talks about how people need to 'hear' love and affection in different ways. Some need to literally hear the words, others need to get 'things'from their spouse to feel loved, etc. etc. I had been showing my affection the way I thought she wanted (by giving her things) but she really needed to literally hear the words. She had told me for years and years what she needed but I kept giving her what I thought she needed. Big big mistake. That book and the HNHNs book turned our marriage around in a quick and rather painless way. The pain came from her affair not from making the changes. The changes I made and that she made were easy. But it did take my wife a good while to really believe that the changes in me were permanent.
Good luck


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