Why will WH not send a no contact letter? He found out OW has a new OM. He called her from work tonight and told her to go on with her life. Has not told me he wants M to work. <p>He was very angry when He found out about OW BF. He even called he and blessed her out. Now he calls her and tells her he will not bother her any more and not be mean to her because he loves her and he does not want to hurt her. (He will not hurt her but will hurt his family.) I don't get it.<p>I asked him that ? and was told it is different. OK now I am really confused. He has just started opening up to me and talking about OW and their realionship. He has also started taking anti-depressents. <p>Tells me he is not happy. Has told me for over a year that he is leaving and is still here. Now I don't know if I beleive him. I am scared he will contact him again. I have done a great Plan A. with minor LB. He has told me he has seen change and thanked me for it. I asked him to write a no contact letter and he told me "no".<p>Someone please help me to understand this or is he talking in the fog?<p>SLH

SLH, H is still in the fog and in withdrawal. Be strong, hang in there and get close to H as much H allows you too. H needs his space but be there when H wants to open up. Get him talking it will help H out but no LB, just listen. Be patience, you are very close to the end of his A, let it dies naturally. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

It is 2:30 in the am on the east coast. I just got off the phone with WH and he told me he called OW and told her it was over and he wanted to straingten his life out(did not say his M out)
He told her he would not contact her and for her not to contact him.<p>He talked with more sense tonight in two hours than he has talked with in 2 years. <p>I just found out 3 days ago that the A was EA/PA. Of course he had lied to me about this. Said he never had sex with her. I don't want to know the details because I know it will haunt me.<p>I want so much for this to be over and get on with my life. I want my H in my life so much it hurts. He says he is hurting so much now ( well it kills me to see him hurting, but to get past it one must hurt) <p>I do hope this is progress. I am so glad that she Dumped him. Of course I will take him back. But I did tell him I can't and will not go through this again.<p>Comments Please??!!??<p>
SLH

Hi Slh,<p>This is a hard time for both of you for separate reasons. He he was forced out of the A and this may not make it easy for him to come home. You need to be aware of this since he may be even harder on you and blame you as a result. I am not saying he will but he may try. <p>My H did that. Boy my H did a lot of things other WSs did around here. Anyway, Ow claimed she sent him back and she did, then she undid it by running after him and he being the jilted soul, went back and forth with OW. She kinda enjoyed the power/control she had over H and played that card until it got old. So watch out for the backlash. <p>Now the hard piece of info is that you may have to leave him out there until he sees where his real love resides. He can't see that right now. He is like a jilted teenager, wounded in the heart, hurting for someone who really doesn't care but to dumb to know better. Puppy love? Kinda. <p>You now play the role of mother/friend. Which one are you? Right now you are the mother that sees her loved one hurting. You want to help and protect him but really you can't. The friend wants to tell him to go back to his family and get over the OW. The friend also knows that this H is stubborn right now with wounded pride and won't listen. This friend knows when to keep their mouth shut and tries hard to do that. This friend has the true interests of the WS at heart and is hurting also. This friend will be patient until the right time and then be there with the support and aide the WS needs. Providing this friend is able to do so without wounding their friendship. You see this friend is you. <p>I had to learn this the hard way. I had a very hard time keeping my mouth shut. It took a bit longer. My H's pride, my impatience coupled with a psycotic, know-it-all, prideful and jealous OW really stirred up the pot. Bottom line is that I had to wait until H was tired of this game and saw who really loved him vs who he had come to fantasize about. They do see it but how they view themselves also has a bearing about their return. <p>My H wanted to throw in the towel and pushed me to do it for him. Boy that was too tempting, in fact, I told him that I loved him enough to let him go. Howz that for reverse fog talk?!?!? He was dazed and confused. He was also angry that he could not make me make him make me make him leave. Get that? That is how he really really thought. So I said, Ok go. He said no. I said yes go. He said, no you don't mean it. I said yes I do. He said no you don't. This conversation went on for several months. I finally said, whatever go do what you want. Just get me my money (owed money/child support), the D papers and agree never to see son and I again. He started all over with, you don't mean it. I said yes I do. Oh I was getting real tired of that. I even said ok, then I will just get myself out of the picture and you take care of son without me, then there will be no one around to fight with. He said no, he stopped and then decided he wanted to come home. <p>Is that crazy or what? Confused? You bet. My point is that they need to come to that conclusion on their own and in the interim he may push you to push him out of your life. Be aware and be prepared. <p>I did let H know that I cared but it eventually got to the point for me that I started not to care anymore, that is when mine sat up and took notice. I would hate to see you get to that point. It took it's toll on me physically. Don't go to that extreme. But watch out for that confused talk and don't get sucked into it. <p>Take Care,
L.

Please give some more feedback on this. <p>He is talking to me alot and we do have sex. Has told me all about A and how it got started. I was real good no LB at all. I don't know how I have done so well through this. I do have to say that I would not have made it this far without you guys here. MB has been my sanity for 4 months now. I pray each day my M will work.

Dear Stilllovehim:<p>I see many red flags in your situation...this could be a difficult, dangerous time for your emotions. First of all, all of this could be rhetoric as to the end of the affair...OW's frequently use another OM to force WH to some kind of action toward them...especially when he is clinging to wife (probably as a result of the good Plan A you have been doing). And, as Orchid said, he could merely be hurt and trying to strike back at her in a fit of jealousy by saying "it is over, don't contact me again" as a countermove (even if he doesn't know that's what he is doing).<p>I say this because I've seen it done by OW several times...and she always comes back...after she thinks he has learned his lesson. Now the OW in your situation may be different...she may be serious...but that doesn't change the fact that your WH is still in love with her...and he will need time to get over that (and she is helping with all her antics). <p>Well, what do you do? Well, in the long run, if you can stick it out all this could work to your advantage. As Orchid said, now you will need to be his friend (OMG...this is hard as a woman to see the man you love lamenting over some OW)..but you can do it. Just have low expectations right now and don't demand too much at first...the no contact letter may have to wait right now...because he probably does not have the commitment to the marriage that he needs to force himself to do that right now.<p>This is your time to shine...to be his friend...at a time you should not even be talking to him considering the hurt he has caused you...you are putting that aside to help him...and in time he will realize that...and come to thank you for it. But not now...now you will probably be seen as the reason why he has lost his "love"....and he may strike out at you in anger and resentment. Expect that...and try to understand...it will not last...eventually he will see what OW is and with the help of a good Plan A...find his way back to the marriage.<p>All you have to do is wait and be patience....you can do that can't you...you been doing it for 4 months...now is not the time to grow impatient...not with the beginning of the end in sight. Hang in there...we're with you.<p>Faye