Hi, <p>I hestitated to post my status since my last post in August, then the forum went down and I decided to wait until things were more certain. I have posted bits and pieces over these past few weeks but now feel strong enough to post my own story. <p>Quick recap: <p>d/d 11/22/00
H multiple 1 -nite stands starting 9/99
Last A - ea/pa since August 00.
OW claimed prego Nov 00
WS moved out 12/31/00
BS found MB 12/00, joined Jan 01.
WS went on vacation with OW Feb 00
WS attempted moving back 4 times between April - Sept 01.
WS went to jail for Domestic Violence charge - July 01.
Endured many OW's threats via e-mail/phone calls
BS preg/miscarried June 01
OW claimed preg #2 June 01
OW claimed preg #3 Aug 01
H lived with OW 10 days Aug 01
H told counselor we were to have legal separation
H came home mid Aug - Sept 01
H home since Sept 01
OW called H to return house key (he did not know
he had - we think she planted it in his truck, not sure), OW used blackmail threat on H.
OW called left messages (since recorded for evidence sake), last one 10/11/01. <p>My report picks up from August. H went to live with the OW since his release from jail put him on a restraining order from his family. WS thought that was his only choice. Hmm.....<p>At that time, the word from this board pretty much said, 'L, dump the guy and move on'. <p>Well, I pretty much agreed. Yet, H claimed he wanted to work on the M. H had lived with OW for 10 days and said he hated it but then said he was getting comfortable living there and could get used to it. I was confused again. I told him to stay with OW, he said no. A lot of back and forth talk went on and he eventually came home. Big to do scene with OW causing him to leave her home and return to ours at 2am on a Monday morning. About 1 week later, OW called to claim she was prego for the 3rd time. She now truly deserved the name Mrs. Psyco Babble Rabbit (PBR). I told H to go and take care of his old ow and her fake kid. I did not believe she was truly preg and from what we know she is not prego. OW had bought concert tickets for them on the night of our anniversary (brazen or what?). NOw that H came back, she clamied to want to give them to us. Right..... H told her no, L would not want anything from OW. <p>So on our anniversary 8/18, H goes to work, he is able to get off for dinner and we go out for a nice dinner (last minute but a nice dinner anyway). H goes back to work, I get a parking ticket YUCK!!! And we get a call from OW around 11pm that evening. Lovely!!! The next day, we had planned to go to a special brunch in the city where H's favorite radio station does a morning show (that was my anniversary gift to H). Guess what? OW calls again in the morning. Boy is she good at ruining my day or what. This communication with H and OW is still continuing at this point. I had already told H that I needed oW out of my life. H needed to go if he continued any sort of communicaiton with OW. H began to waffle again. See, I was ruining her plans and the OW was getting mad. she now wanted to play let's make a deal. She offered to share H with his W (me) 3 days with her and 4 with me. WHAT!??!?! Neither H or I bought that one. I told him she could have her commodity 24/7, since I do not believe in sharing since to me H was not a commodity but a person. I think he told her that and well, you know what she thinks of me!! I am now getting real tired. <p>About that same time, my health took a turn for the worse. I had already learned that the doctor found a fibroid tumor. I have been under observation and having some problems since my last miscarriage in June. I believe the brunt of trying to do and be all, just took it's toll and though I was never diagnosed as having a breakdown, I truly feel I did. Even my counselor was in touch with me during this time and was very concerned. My will to live was weakening daily. It got to the point that I was making arrangements for the care of our son to be handled by H or someone else. I no longer had the strength to go on. One incident where I actually made an attempt at ending my life was caught by my H. It scared him and even though he was angry at me, he saw that I was not threatening, I am not a threatening type of person. I really meant it. Had H not stopped me, I would not be here today. We both know that. <p>I share this with you not to give anyone bad ideas, but to let all know how far it can take someone. Several have talked about ending it before, this is a dangerous thing but in a moment of weakness, it can become a reality for some. We here need to be aware of those signs and help each other. <p>Why did I do this? I already had helped someone a few months earlier. I was the encouraging one. Why didn't I stop myself? Because I got tired and weak. This can happen to anyone of us at anytime. The BS is not exempt from these bad thoughts. <p>The saga continues...... after that attempt (which was right after our counseling session), we were on a 1 hour ride back from the counselor. We got into an agrument, I asked H to stop the car (we were near where we had our wedding reception), I got out (I could not endure being with H any longer, I just wanted out and away from H). Yes, this was not a very smart thing to do (30 miles away from home in a rural area). 2 men saw H trying to get me back in the car. They called the police and another incident was recorded. After a discussion with the police, it was decided I would ride home with H on the condition there would be no more fighting. No stupid moves. We both agreed. 1 month later the police called back to see how we were doing. I thought that was a nice follow-up. <p>After this time, oW has made weekly attempts during the months of Sept to get H back. During one of those attempts, I got very angry at H and broke his cell phone, in the process of him trying to save his cell phone, I nicked his face and since it was on the cheek bone, he required 7 stitches. Seeing what happened, I offer to turn myself in. Son sees the accident and asks what happens. H says it is an accident. H will not allow me to call and report this accident to the police. H goes to the clinic and gets stitched. He has healed fine. Well, OW called that cell phone and when she couldn't reach H right away, she panicked. H called her on this 'other' cell from his new job so bam! now she had his other cell # YUCK!! Anyway Mr. Truthful tells her he is on his way to the clinic to get stitches. He tells her there was an accident but he is ok. She immediately calls me threatens to turn me into the police and rants about how she will remove both son and H from me because I don't deserve anyone. I am shaking at this point. I call the police. They calm me down and stop by. Take my report. They tell me to record all future messages left by OW and not to take her calls. If she continues to harrass me and threatens physical harm, then I can file a harassment suit against her. The officer is very calm and understanding. When the officer leaves, H calls and I let him know what OW did. H is now angry at OW, says he told her not to call me that it was an accident and that I was not trying to hit him. I am still shaking and H comes home and helps me calm down. <p>After this, H still waffled a bit and eventually told her to leave him alone that he needed to be with his wife and child. OW was not preg anymore (wow!!). OW was mad! She claimed she gave up her H for the WS. How dare he mess up her life. Then I started to get calls at work (just crank type, call listen breathing, then hang up). Then 2 messages were left on my home machine. <p>Message 1: OW calls ids herself and pretends to talk to H, tells him that he has just left her home 10 minutes earlier and to please return her house key (which H did not know he had) because she is afraid that H & I will make copies and break into her home or hurt her in some way. She also says, thanks for loving her. <p>Note: This call was made after H returned the key. OW threatened blackmail if H did not return it in person. Details of blackmail have not been fully disclosed. Future blackmail attempts will be allowed (meaning no more bowing to her threats)<p>I also received a page about the time the call was made. The page was 911. H did not page me. This is a page used in our family for real emergencies. We suspect it was OW. I was on my way home from work when I received the page and did not have my phone with me that day. I reach home to call H and found this message. <p>This message was taped. <p>Message 2: Ow calls ids herself and pretends to talk to H, tells him not to call her anymore, not to leave 22 voicemails, she is single and h is married, to please go back to his wife, child an religion. She says she does not want him to move in with her and that she really does not know who he is. She reminds H he is married and she is not. Again she thanks him for loving her. <p>Note: This message was left after her call to H earlier that same day. H informs OW not to call him and that she is being selfish and greedy. Ow called under the pretense to 'see how H is doing' (famous line). H says OW's real reason was to get H back in bed with her. Deprived, deranged or what??!?!? After accusing OW of being selfish and greedy (which H says he was also when with OW), she chose to leave that thoughtful message on our home phone. <p>This message was recorded. <p>From then until now, H has been making attempts at working with us. He is spending more time with his son and helping me more. We do spend more time talking (though not enough) and learning to deal with issues as a family. My cousin and her family had to suddenly move back to Hawaii due to family illness so us having to help them get ready was good for H. It gave him the opportunity to see what it was like to be with family/relatives. I think he was a bit uncomfortable but also happy to be able to talk with my family again (at least my cousin's family). <p>H still feels very guilty and has not made all the changes yet. I astill have my down days and still post here regularly. I thought about my needs and realized that for me it all boilded down to the fact that I needed OW out of my life. My life, the oW must be out of my life. I made that my mission. I am getting there. Then I realized, that if H was to stay, I needed his support. In fact, I needed my boss' support also. I wrote both of them (both males) H and my boss an e-mail asking for their support instead of their opposition. I stated that I have always put their interests ahead of my own and now I needed their support, if they expected me to continue to give mine. I no longer would allow them to berate me or take their frustration out on me unless it was something I did. I was not their slave and needed to be viewed in my proper position. I said that I would be the wind beneath their wings and would they please be mine (in their respective positions of course). <p>My boss replied immediately, said he understood that sometimes his words did not acknowledge his support and that he would be more sensitive about how he spoke to me. My H, well he read the message made a bried comment but that was all. H says it is hard for him to tell me how he will act but he understands. I have seen him hold back his frustration and turn it into a constructive conversation so I am trying to view that as a postive thing. <p>At one point, I wanted to stop posting but I realized, you all here at MB have been my lifeline through all this and that I needed your encouragement more than ever right at this time. So at least the one piece of santity I had kept me posting here. <p>I want to thank all of you for your help and support. Sometimes you just don't know when you are actually helping someone. I knew I deserved a few swift kick in the buttocks and I also knew that I could not take much more beatings from H and OW in the A arena. I came to realize that I was at the turning point of truly letting go. <p>As of right now, I am still at that point. Trust is not fully restored. I am learning to pace myself and not raise my expectations. I also an aware this can backslide at any moment and like all good planners have an emergency escapte route planned out in case the OW comes back into the picture. <p>That is where I am today. Am I in recovery? Almost, not safe to say yet. Maybe soon. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>To all in plan A or B, just finding out, dealing with the for less than 1 year. Know this, nothing is guranteed. The WS can say one thing an do another. They can change their mind in a minute. They can get better, worse, better, worse, better, etc. While in the fog or on the fence nothing is for certain. You can't even make any plans ahead even for the weekend or the next day with some of the wSs. Know this and make plans for yourself and your family. Like the terrorist activties - do what we have heard.....Be careful, be safe, but do not stop going about your activities, continue to live your life. Hopefully your WS will see you continue and see that they are being left behind, that their fantasy world is just that a fantasy and doomed to failure. For those WSs that don't come to that realization before the BS runs out of steam, then after a fair amount of time is spent by the BS, learn to apply the principles here and move on. MB is a place to learn how to help both sides restore a marriage but it is not a one sided restoration, full recovery requires full participation. MB is also a place that helps us see how to become better persons so that when our mates are ready to be helped, we are strong enough to help them. <p>Today, I am stronger than yesterday and I will be stronger tomorrow. I will still have my good and bad days but I will survive. I am glad I found MB and want to thank all that have helped me. <p>Aloha,
L.

Wow, Orchid, you are ssoooooooooo strong!<p>I know how it feels to have the OW call your home and not let go. You have withstood it so well. You are a fighter, and you have shown such spirit, and I have often felt your strength in your posts.<p>MB is a great place. I am glad I found it too. I would never have gotten through this without friends here.<p>Take care,<p>Jacky

Wow Orchid,
This has been a long haul for you full of every negative emotion from bad to worse and back again! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It is amazing how you have kept your sanity and maintained your ability to continue working, functioning, raise your son, AND EVEN encouraging others in the process. Wow. You definitely have a pat on the back from me.<p>You are a true MBer. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Orchid- thank you for sharing your story. I admire your perserverence in the face of nonsense. I pray your husband wakes up. I mean, the "choice " to make is a no brainer. <p> It seems to me the value of the love offered is obvious. I think that many times, the WS discounts this affection due to their own struggles, it has little or nothing to do with us.<p> God bless you and your family. Praying for the love and peace and support that should be yours.<p> Dan

Orchid first big <<<hugs>>> to you.
You have endured so much and kept on going I admire you. You have been there for me many times as well as others. I truly hope things work out for you and H and you can finally say that you are in recovery. As for the OW she is definitely psycho! Can't you have your phone number changed or something so she at least stops calling your home? Maybe you should put a restraining order on her so she knows how serious you really are. At least it will show her that you are tired of her antics and will not allow her to do this to you any longer. You have come so far and it does sound like H is trying. Has he agreed to counseling? Take care and remember we are here for you. Prayers to you.
C

Hey, big sis!<p>Thanks for sharing your ongoing saga. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You know we are here for you, hopefully *somewhat* nearly as much as you are here for all of us.<p>Prayers and hugs for you and your family. <p>{{{{{{{{{{{orchid}}}}}}}}

just hugs, thoughts & prayers.<p>love,
g

Orchid -- thank you for sharing what you've been through.
You are inspirational.

Orchid,
You've gone through some really tough times, been through the fire and are becoming refined silver.<p>Though it may take a long time to get to, being at the point of being able to let go is a position of strength. Having the ability to say, "I love you, I want to be married to you, but not the way you've been behaving..." Not insisting on a change, just the truth. <p>It seems to equalize the ground, for those of us that this infidelity process runs not weeks or months, but years and separations & resumptions of the A.<p>Orchid, one thing I can tell you is that the WS can change back into a trustworthy, believable partner. Again, it took time for me to believe--and well should have! 3 months until he moved back in, and another several months until I felt confident. Right now he's been across the state hunting for 2 days, and I've slept like a baby (a good baby [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) those 2 nights. Peace has re-entered my life.<p>So many here worry that "too much water" has passed under the bridge. Well, I definitely had floodwaters for 2 years...forgiveness, love and trust are possible--if BOTH of you truly want it. If your H makes that jump. One partner just can't do it forever. Awhile though. One can keep the marriage at the point of reconciliation.<p>During the worst of the times, I got physical against my H. I got a concussion--not an intentional move from my H, just the result of a combo of things. It definitely was not a step toward reconciliation, but we worked through that as well.<p>Thank you for sharing. You sound good.

L - my best wishes for you and your family. <p>This morning on the radio driving to work I listened to an interview on NPR with Bill Cosby. He told a story about a college prof that bothered him. This prof assigned an essay about whether the glass is "half empty or half full." Bill asked an elderly female relative about this. Is the glass half empty or half full? Her response: "Well, doesn't that depend on if you're drinking or pouring?"<p>So, L, it seems to me the glass of your marriage is half full, because you're pouring. Please keep it up.<p>Dave

Orchid,
You have my most profound respect! Your story is as amazing as it is troubling. I wish you all the best, god knows you've earned it!!! My thoughts are with you.

God bless you L!<p>You are an inspiration to many and I pray for your continued personal strength. You have an ability to guide and help so many here who are feeling so lost and vulnerable. Your story shines forth like a bright light. You are another MBers success story no matter what happens in your marriage! All the best to you.

Orchid,<p>Thank you! It's amazing that people who've gone through so much can be a caring and helpful to others as you've been here.<p>Please know that we all share in your tears (of sadness, of hope, of joy).<p>God bless you.
Kev

Wow! Orchid...
It is quite a rollercoaster isn't it? What a story you have shared with us...Thank you...You were one the first to respond to me way back in April when I was still "InShockinCali" and I always appreciate your 2 cents [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>Cali

Mornin' all,<p>Thanks for your uplifting posts. These ol weary bones of mine sure needed it. I think I am coming down with the flu or just getting old.... he he he [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Since I get to deal with such a 'special' OW, the saga continues. You know, never a dull moment around here so I will add the latest to my long chapter. <p>3 more messages received yesterday (H had 5 messages last night, this morning he just said 3 were from OW & 2 from his boss). H claims no contact/conversation since 15 days ago when he told OW she was selfish and greedy. He says she had not called previous to this and he has not called her. So these 3 messages are concerning. I have not heard those messages yet but have asked to. H was reluctant, sort of went to the WS defensive mode (disappointing to say the least). H's work save his little tusch and so we had to put our discussion on hold. H is a conflict avoider, I have to tread lightly on helping him face his conflict, work on it and move on. As I posted in Cybil's thread, treading lightly is a bit challenging for me. I face conflicts square on, I don't do the side-step around it. It is important for me to move on. <p>Anyway, the WS defensive come back was noted when he said "is that an order?" All I did was ask to hear the messages (said please). Hm.... I had to pull back on that one. After a silent minute, I said "no, but if you have something to hide, that would bother me". No response and again saved by his bosses' call to go to work. <p>Just got off the phone with H and he said he deleted all 5 message, he claims not to have even listened to the ones from the OW. I am not comfortable with that statement but he had to go make the delivery so again the discussion ended. Man he is good at this conflict avoider stuff. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But we did briefly touch on the conflict avoider topic. H explained that he does not want me to hear those messages because it upsets me (he is right), he also claims that while I ask and say please, he feels he has no choice. I returned with the comment that in the adult world that is how an adult asks for information. When it is requireed (such as in a working environment, one can ask when one is giving an order). However, I did ask and H did have the option not to answer. Again I see this as a conflict avoider stance. I could be wrong but H is 38 years old. H has been an adult for quite a while now. Hm..... this excuse of his sounds pretty childish. It is a sunny day but it seems the fog may be rolling back in a bit. I let him know of my disappointment. H is very tired and not sure how much of this got through. I have to go and be patient until we can talk face to face, eyeball to eyeball!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>See how it goes? Arrgh.....sore bones, sore muscles, sore head...... Am I in pain or what? What I know is I don't want OW in my life!!! I reminded H of that and he is well aware. So on that stance I put my writing on hold until the next episode........<p>From the author ....."Will this A ever end?" or
"How to get rid of a pscyo OW" or "Fog Wars.....the saga continues"...... well, it apparently isn't over yet so it is obviously not ready to go to print. he he he [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Aloha,
L.<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Orchid----you have helped many. I must say you have given me perspective on my situation a few times and I am grateful for your ability to reach out in spite of all the confusion and pain. <p>You certainly have a "Fatal Attraction" scenerio going and that seems like a double dose of A destruction/pain. You have made me realize that I have much less to deal with but I wonder what keeps you keeping on? Is it love for H or just a major conquest of sorts? How do you sort through the feelings to come to know if love exists anymore? I have feelings for my H but I do not know what they are.<p>I truly know your feelings----I want to force solutions and fix everyone. I have moments when I want to do rash things like call OW's family, or call OW's apt to talk to WS, or even go so far as wanting to fix OW. Then I realize these things will open the door for her to enter my life. So try to keep the DOOR closed. Don't let her in. You do not need to know what she is saying or doing only what WS is doing and how he reponds. I am learning to let go more and more but it sure takes practice. I know there will be a certain amount of fallout to A but I am thinking through each thing I do so that I do not bring more on myself than is necessary. I can lay in bed for hours and try to work out solutions until I am so tense and tired I want to scream. It is a downward spiraling and then I have to make an effect to do the things that get my thinking off the "fixing" track and back on my own issues and general life matters.<p>You are doing a noble thing----trying to save your marriage but don't save your marriage and die in the process. I will pray that you will be sucessful in keeping OW out of your life.<p>TW

Orchid hon.. didn't that feel good to let it all out? Thank you so much for sharing what you've been going through lately.<p>You have been such a pillar of support for so many of us on here (me included), and I thank you for that. What with all you've been and are going through, you're still here to help others, I admire you for that. But I also know how important it is to help others, because it heals us within.<p>Oh.. and thank you for participating in chocolate cake day [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen<p>[ October 27, 2001: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</p>

Orchid,<p>I was very glad to see such a detailed update on you. <p>I haven't been able to read here like I used to. <p>I also am very glad that OW's pregnacy turned out to be the rubbish. I remember how upset you were when you found out.<p>In general I think you have really come a long way, letting go in a situation like you have been placed in is a healthy thing if you ask me for ones sanity.<p>Stay strong, it's great to hear! And take care of you!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>NY

Good grief Orchid -- you are SUCH a strong and amazing woman!!<p>I stand in awe!!!!<p>(((((Orchid)))))

Dear Orchid,
Aloha to you, too. You are definitely strong in spirit and in faith. My H's OW is a much more subtle psycho. She "acts" truly loving and caring, also convincing him that because she truly loves hims sooo much, she wants him to be happy w/his family and willing to sacrifice (?). Here's the real deal. They sacrifice nothing. It is us. It is our children. It is our self-esteem that's chipped away at day by day. I am so proud of the way you continue to fight for your marriage and take the stand that's not too popular in our society today--the rocky road of love, unconditional love. Sounds like your psycho OW is like an anthrax letter, just keeps popping up unexpectedly and with lethal intent. My greatest fear is that my H's OW will wind up prego too. Why is it that she would do that? Is she so desperate b/c she ruined her own marriage, is unable to live w/herself or by herself alone that she would do something so wretched as fake a pregnancy? Any woman who would use even the thought of a beautiful, perfect, innocent child just so they could have their own selfish way is themselves just a spoiled child. Don't play her game anymore. That's what I'm doing. <p>By the way, my H's OW may be lurking on this website b/c I told her to go here to find out just how much destruction & damage the OW can cause to families and marriages. If you are out there--remember, I'm doing the one thing you probably cannot endure--I'm still praying for you and your soul. That's what you should do for your H's OW. Besides leaving her TOTALLY alone. I unanimously agree w/earlier post that you should have restraint order placed immediately against her. She should have no contact w/you, your children, or your H. She sounds terribly unstable and potentially violent. That is why I advocate staying away. Like I told Cybil, take away all of her ammo and she can't keep firing away at you. Let her own actions be used against her. The good Lord says vengeance belongs to Him. I think that is part of the principle which goes along w/leaving her totally alone. She will soon self-destruct and just make sure you, your kids, and your H will not be there for it. That is why, my friend, you must protect yourself at all times. Get burglar alarm. Change phone #. Do what you have to. Soon, either she will find another unfortunate obsession or she will just simply self-destruct. As hard as it may seem, I will pray for her too tonight. She is a terribly lost person who probably doesn't even know who she is let along our precious God. You'd think that the events of Sept. 11th would make people think twice about their own lives and the paths in which we take. Some people are so lost, in their own fog of their own creation that all we can do is avoid them, yet simultaneously pray for them. <p>Those two activities are going to help you and your family heal. Goodness, here am I, telling you what I am desperately each day struggling to deal with and I am still not blessed w/ my H coming home. Please pray for our family. We are hurting so much. That is why I am so thankful a friend let me know about this site. You can find others who will blindly pray for you and try to let you in on how they are and have been so brave as to stand up for their marriages, even when the world tells them they're nuts in doing so.<p>Keep up your faith. Don't get sucked down into her whirlpool of deceit. Get out of the game. Sure, it's much easier said than done, but the sooner you do, the stronger you will get. Been out of the game now for almost 2 weeks and my faith is growing. Left last week to go home & visit family. Just knowing that they care and love me and our child is so much. Let's keep praying for each other, all of us who come here.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand; and after having done everything, to stand." [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]