Confused Mom,<p>Your story sounds so similar to mine and my WS (wife's). Hers was not an internet situation, but they met someplace else.<p>The rest however is so similar...I was angry and critical frequently, did not meet her need for conversation and affection, I feel she wanted to feel young and free, free from responsibilties, etc.<p>Anyway, she has said that she doesn't love me anymore, that she doesn't have feelings for me. Can you help me? We are now separated and she initially said she wanted a divorce but is now reconsidering apparently. <p>Please help me understand where I can be of help to her.

If I could be so bold as to jump in here... Have you went through everything on this site yet? If you've not, that should be your first task. I've been here for about 6 weeks and firmly believe I'd be well on my way to talking to lawyers by now without the information and support I've gotten here. There's some very insightful people here, use the resources at hand! I wish you all the best.

sofartogo,<p>Thanks for jumping in. Yes I've read most of the site, purchased HS/HN, Love Busters, and Give/Take. My wife is even reading them now.<p>I've been plan Aing for about two months and it is helping, however, I'm looking for insight into what she's going through. "Confused Mom"'s story sounded almost identical to my wife's situation and feelings.

Dear Manfaith....<p>Thanks for asking for MY advice... (I sometimes feel like an unwanted-growth on this website)... <p>I'm not sure what to tell you tho. I believe that if you change your anger and resentments and show her how much you love her by listening...being there...maybe reading the self-help books... maybe going to counselling (even if she doesnt want to go, you can go by yourself to help YOU to become a better person)... that she will see the REAL you, the one that she fell inlove with years ago.<p>Often these affairs don't last...given time and the REAL world. The more positive caring things she sees about you...the more she will see that the OM wasnt REAL, probably more fantasy of what she felt she was missing in life. Am I making sense?<p>We still have a long ways to go... but I feel myself getting closer and closer to my H..able to give him more and more of me. HE is the one who has devoted his life to me...HE is the one who listens when I'm upset... HE is the one that loves me when I'm not very lovable.... HE is the one that gave me my wonderful children. BE that person for your wife....and I believe things will happen for you.<p>Good luck hon......and keep me posted..... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

manfaith...<p>I was re-reading your question to see if I had answered it. If you are separated, and she seems interested in wanting things back... why not try dating each other some??? (Not sex just yet)....but dating and showing her what a great guy you are. She will have to do some courting with you as well tho.<p>You didnt mention if you have kids....but when H's treat their children great...it goes a long way in a woman's eyes as well.<p>I read a long time ago that a 'person falls inlove with someone because of the way that person makes them feel when they are with them'. Wouldn't that mean the opposite then too? That people fall OUT of love because of how that person makes them feel? (i.e. unloved, stupid, fearful, resentful, etc)<p>Be the person she can fall back inlove with!<p>Good luck......

Dear CM,<p>Thank you for your responses. Did you ever question whether you loved, or ever loved your husband? Was your desire for (if I'm using the correct term) reliving your youth just a symptom of the real problem(s) with your marriage? She talked about never living on her own, etc., she seems to want to be free. We have two kids, 9 and 6.<p>She seems to want to do some things together, as a family, but that's about it so far. I invited her out on a "date" last Saturday and she said "no" kind of quickly. She then said, "maybe another time", a crack in the armor, maybe?<p>Your situation just sounded so similar to my wife's I am looking for any insight into her feelings.

Manfaith....<p>Sure I've questioned the love I had and have for my H. We have been married for 17 years...(together for 20)... we were 24 when we married, you would think that would be old enough! ha! But... I had always told myself I would live on my own after college and support myself a few years BEFORE marriage. Well, we met while still in college and got married right after college (thank goodness my smart father told me if i got married he would no longer pay for my college, it would be on me!)...smart, smart man!<p>I believe that because of all the anger over the years... the belittling...the hurtful zingers, the sarcasm...and never knowing what type of mood he would be in... (i've read several books on it lately)... that i questioned things even more. For years I overlooked the problems, even denied them and would cover the problems when friends and family would ask. I think doing this...I lost a part of myself... and I lost the desire and perhaps respect for him. I didnt think I had that capacity to truly desire anymore... so I suppose I became very vulnerable (and lovestarved)... <p>The past year or so, H has realized what a temper and anger he had (due to some episodes that ended up being in public)...also, becuz I had FINALLY had enuff and I grew up and said...NO MORE... and he has been working very hard to improve that anger.. (he is doing very well too)...<p>That change in him...and the very fact that he loves me enough to want to work on himself...and work on our marriage..and to forgive my indescretion.... is helping me to open up more and more to him. <p>Have you asked your wife? or yourself? why she might have fallen out of love with you???? That might give you some insight into what you should change. <p>Yes, I'm sure my desire to be free is a symptom, because its NOT freedom I really want...its happiness. I want to be able to feel FREE to talk to him about anything without FEAR that he will decide to take it the wrong way... or to shut me out... or to walk away. He is a very good man in many many ways... he just sometimes has a very negative attitude and will bring anyone around him down with him. <p>We are getting better at these things...opening up a bit more... with the help of the therapist..and reading the books...<p>Hmmmm, another point....we have 3 kids... 14, 11, 9... and being a MOM is just not very sexy...ha! I know I lost the feeling of being a woman...especially when the kids were young. Kids expect alot and take alot out of women emotionally.... and I just didnt have anything left to give H. And when he would get frustrated at this...H would either take it out on me...or the kids at times..... thus continuing the vicious cycle (spiraling downward, as my therapist would say). <p>Hmmm, I have a suggestion... what if you make a plan to do something with your two kids........ and then ask if she wants to tag along...she may not want to (she may enjoy some time to herself which is OK)...but if she does go along too, all the better.<p>Anyway......good luck...keep asking questions, if you want.

YIKES!!!! I sent you my reply (it was supposed to be from ConfusedMom...but I didnt know this was logged into my H's name...Burned N Tx.. sorry!! bet you were REALLY confused!<p>so now yall know....ConfusedMom and Burned are married. interesting, huh????<p>I will be more careful from now on! CM