How many people here suffer from a tendancy to try to fix things too quickly?<p>My H is a fixer like that. He doesn't like to live in conflict, can't just let it go for a day. It all has to get resolved RIGHT NOW.<p>And he doesn't like the delay that it takes to prove that change has happened. Its like he says he's different so I just have to believe it and move on. No chance or time to SEE whether it sticks or not.<p>I see a lot of other people who show those same tendencies. It seems to cause him a great deal of frustation.

Yep. that's me. Look at me jumping in here to post right away. When someone asks me a question, or presents me with a problem, I feel like I have to answer it / solve it right away.<p>It does cause a lot of frustration. I hope your H can realize this. I try to relax and know that just cuz I'm like that, doesn't mean that everyone is like that. And what seems like a problem to me, may not seem like a problem to someone else. And it's hard as heck for me to sit back and WAIT sometimes... but I know that's the only way to handle some of life's challenges - especially when dealing with other people. <p>I've heard a quote that makes a lot of sense to me: When dealing with yourself, use your head. When dealing with others, use your heart.<p>I know how he feels. He needs to see many little pieces of evidence - SOLID evidence - that you are trustworthy... that you are being honest...that you want the marriage to work. ALl of these little pieces should accumulate and build trust and peace between you.<p>my 2 cents [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Lex,<p>Are you my wife secretly posting to this forum? I know you're not, because I don't think she knows about this place (I certainly haven't told her). But your husband's story might as well be mine (WS years ago, now BS, hmmm), except no kids.<p>It's INCREDIBLY hard to take a hands-off approach at this time. Even though we (you H and I) probably both KNOW that this is going to take time, it's REALLLLLLLLLLY hard to just let it happen. <p>If you can (are ready to) try to reassure him that you WANT the marriage to work, that you're trying to change the things about you that are needed, that he should change the things about himself (though I'm sure he's already well under way on that, if he's anything like me). Just let him know that it's going to take TIME. If it's true, assure him that the A is over, but that you need time to mourn and to fall BACK in love with H.<p>These are the things that I hope to hear when/if WS finally figures her way out of the fog.<p>Try to see it from the other side.<p>Hope this helps a little.
Kev

Hi Lexx,<p> Yep that is me too. At least where my marriage is concerned. I want it all back right now! I know this is wrong, I know this goes against the MB principles. <p> I don't want to wait to fix something that means the world to me. But, in my zeal to try to fix my M, I come accross as "controling". I don't want to be like that. In fact I hate it. <p> In the end I realize that I am the only person who can change that about myself. All the words from you good people here at MB can only help me so much. At some point I have to, absolutely must, slow down and wait. Let it happen on it's own merits. This is extremely hard to do. But I want to slow down.<p> jd

Hi Lexxxy, I'm something of a fixer myself. Though not as extreme as your H sounds. What drives me insane is limbo! I require a decision and decisive action. I don't expect instantanious fix actions and I have no trouble waiting to see if an action has the desired reaction. I just need to feel that I'm in motion and striving towards a desired outcome.

Thats part of what overwhelms me too. Any little thing that I try gets blown out of proportion. I'm not allowed any babysteps.<p>If I give him a hug -- it becomes a hugfeast. <p>I want to experiment with it a little. Get comfortable with it. But no -- if I give him one hug suddenly its like I gave the green light on it and it doesn't stop. <p>So I make the effort, he gets carried away, I try to put on the brakes -- and I have hurt his feelings AGAIN. I am soooo sick of it.

Hi Lexxy, <p>Thanks for your encouraging post to me. I know I have been kinda hard on you in the past, but I truly would like to see you in a happier state of marriage and mind. <p>In response to this thread, yes I am not a conflict avoider and like to fix things and move on. In fact, I post so strongly to you because I want you to hurry up and fix it all!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I want you to help make your marriage right. It is really none of my business whether your marriage suceeds or not but I do care and it hurts my heart to read about your situation like many others here. <p>I am willing to admit mistakes and will hear both pro and con thoughts. I am also willing to work with what I can. I need to be told, since I do not like to 'read other people's minds and make mistake'. Ahh...... this is the heart of my post. I really don't like making mistakes and take precautions to avoid that as much as possible. When mistakes happen, I try to resolve ASAP for the benefit of all. <p>Now my h is a conflict avoider, very passive when is comes to dealing with his own issues, yet very agressive when dealing with others, low tolerence towards others and will go to extreme measures to avoid 'fixing' or even discussing how to fix an issue or item. <p>This combination is deadly and as seen a major factor in leading to the A. H's pride stood in his way of getting much needed help on his part. Avoidance led him into the arms of Mrs. Rabbit and you all know the rest of the story. <p>What H is learning is that his way is not healthy for him. I am not tooting my horn, that is just reality. I am by no means perfect, in fact far from it, it just looks like I might be because I deal with my issues as soon as I know them (or at least pretty close). Yes, there are times when I want to avoid my issues also but I kick myself and tell myself of the consquences of not dealing with things ASAP. <p>So the eternal conflict continues. This time it is evident beyond a doubt that H's issues require him to work on them more than I can do for him. Do I want him to fix it all at once? Yes. Can he? Probably not. Should he try? Yes. As long as I am seeing progress and effort, my love will last. When I see him trying to make me enable him, then I lose steam and my love bank depletes. <p>When the WS and BS both learn to look at both sides in a reasonable way, much can be accomplished. <p>Hope this makes sense, you know how long my posts can get. ......<p>Take care,
L.<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Good Afternoon Lexxxy:<p>That is me to a tee. My W is has this trait as well but cannot hold a candle to me. Can you imagine our discussions both trying to fix each others concerns immediately? WOW.<p>The biggest thing I had to learn to bring us both out of withdrawl is to just listen and empathize. My W always know the answers that are right for her I just need to listen to her and EMPATHIZE.<p>Maybe it will break through my thick head one of these days.<p>Is your H aware you are just looking for BABY steps to feel more comfortable and that this is a marathon and not a sprint?<p>My best to you and your family.

Lexxy,
You sound a lot like my W. She gives a little, I go overboard and want a lot. I was a WS 3 years ago, now I am the BS. Married 13 yrs, 2 kids, sound familiar. Its hard for me to step back and let time heal the wounds. I have been trying to plan A since shortly after DDay, A only lasted 4 weeks. W hasn't committed to marriage, but says she wants us to work on ourselves first. I agree, she went to 1st counseling session Wednesday. Every time I talk, she thinks I want to talk about "us". Everytime she kisses or hugs me, she thinks I want sex. Hard for me to have patience with the getting to reknow each other period. Glad to see someone in similar situation to my W, might give me some insight into how she is feeling when she won't tell me.

Lexxy,
I saw a little compassion in your heart towards your H in this last post compared to your first.
You know that I am struggling with perhaps the same if not similar issues that you described in your H. Perhaps that is why you have posted to me & you might remember it seems to me you share similar views as my W. You are your own person I know -- I was just suggesting perhaps similar ??
I hope you can find some peace, because I know it is difficult on both parties with our conflicts.
I know there were several questions back to you about your actions towards him. Have you honestly tried to show him your remorse & some accountability & openness & honesty ( I believe that is what soem of the Harley Principles promote? I know it seems that it should be easy to forgive & forget & therefore assume the same level of trust as before, but it is sometimes not that easy. Your reaction to your H's A was perhaps different because you are just built a little different than he is.
I know, in my case, it seems to me that my W is sometimes defiant to any suggestion I make of marriage builders issues & this makes me feel she is not really committed to re-building our marital relationship, which then fosters my feelings of resentment & reinforces my feelings of lack of trust in. It may be that she has different ideas as to how this is to be repaired -We have not had an agreement on that yet -- even with the help of counseling -- she thinks we should sweep it under the rug & move on - I think we need to talk about a few things --
I know you know what it feels like to be the BS, but sometimes different people react differently. Somtimes a person does not recover from this at a pace we want it to -- that is perhaps your point here.
You know that I have struggled to focus on me & not my W -- It sounds like you don't directly LB on him, which is what I feel my W has done to me of late, but if you are withdrawaling your attention & affection, so to speak, isn't this a form of love busting?
I know in my case, the things I would have used in the past to judge my W & my relationship, as it turns out, were not good barometers -- for example, as I now know, during her A's we were very physically active and she was calling me more than in the past & she was actually not treating me that badly, as she has always tended to be verbally abusive. Yes, I need more assurances than before to feel secure.
My W does not want to discuss what was wrong with our relationship and therefore I don't know for sure how to fix it. I feel I was made a real fool of & I don't want to go through it again -- I believe my W does not want to discuss the why's behind her actions because it puts too much focus on her misdeeds -- there is this mutual pride thing going on here -- In fact, she accepts little responsibility & says it was not really her fault. I am in search of a little security or peace of mind that we're not on a track for this to happen again. Yes, I would like some assurances, more than before that she does really care for me & that we don't have a marriage just for convenience sack. But these apparent lack of interest on her part in what I think we should be doing are what causes me concern. I don't know all that you've tried doing to repair things, but I'm hoping maybe if you had a feel for what I'm thinking it could perhaps help you understand your H better, he may have similar thoughts. ??? We each have our own perception & these are 100% accurate to us.
It is definitely good advice for your H to focus on himself -- be forewarned though, a part of this may cause him to come to the conclusion that you do not really love him (although you feel justified because of his actions, your actions do not appear to be loving & caring) & therefore, ultimately, he may conclude why should he be concerned about your activities.
Like I said, I hope you can find some piece; none of us deserve the misery we may be putting ourselves through!
Wish I had more conclusive solution here, but thanks for sharing with your posts!
Best whishes,
HH<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Thanks all of you!<p>I have expressed to you all the anger and resentment that I'm carrying around. I'm trying really hard to come to peace with it. And I feel like I have to do that alone.<p>One of the ways I was trying to fix it was to talk about it with H. I just kept bringing it up and going over and over and over it. I wanted the acknowledgementof my feelings from him. (anyone read Mars/Venus?) And I never got it. I just kept getting the "quick fix"....yeah yeah yeah yeah but I'm different now, its all better.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lexxxy:
<strong>Thanks all of you!<p>I have expressed to you all the anger and resentment that I'm carrying around. I'm trying really hard to come to peace with it. And I feel like I have to do that alone.<p>One of the ways I was trying to fix it was to talk about it with H. I just kept bringing it up and going over and over and over it. I wanted the acknowledgementof my feelings from him. (anyone read Mars/Venus?) And I never got it. I just kept getting the "quick fix"....yeah yeah yeah yeah but I'm different now, its all better.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Lex,
This is a new perspective for me. Do I detect there is anger & resentment from his betrayal from before or perhaps from his emotional betrayal for years?
If you did not feel a good fix from his betrayal of before because the issue were not discussed, then this is good example of perhaps how he feels now & therefore he is in denial about some things.
DO you go to couples counseling??
Perhaps a pair of soft, foam bats to take out on each other for awhile, then you could both talk.
I might suggest in our situaion.
I was told it took a long time for us to skrew this up, (31 years in my case), it's going to take a while to fix it!
I am encouraged that it sounds like you do want to fix it!
God Bless you! My hopes & prayers are with you!
HH<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Hey Lexxy,<p>What I'm hearing is you want your feelings to be validated by your H. You want him to acknowledge and respect your feelings in regards to how much affection (or any thing else) you are willing to offer him because right now you are only testing the waters. You want him to take what you give him and not expect anything more, because you don't have it in you right now.<p>I do understand, and as a BS I can see how your H wants to connect with you. I've been in his shoes. After my H's first A I wanted to be cautious because I had been so hurt, but I also yearned for us to have what we once had, before the trust was lost. So I pushed a bit and got the same reaction from my H that you are giving your H. It hurt deeply and added to my big heaping mountain of "rejection" feelings.<p>I hope you can be patient with him, Lexxxy. And I hope he can see that pushing you before you're ready can hender chances of recovery. <p>I know how hard you're trying. And I see the anger building in your last few posts. I don't know if you pray, but if you do, ask for patience and insight for the both of you. I'll be praying for you both, too.<p>Lv,
Jo

You BET! I want it fixed and I want it NOW! I want him to catch on as fast as I have...<p>What have I learned? That's not going to happen...<p>But what CAN I do? Talk about me...my feelings...where they come from...why? And, I've been going WAY back...<p>As HH said, this stuff didn't start yesterday...so it can't end today...<p>I keep reassuring my H that the most important thing that I've learned is that my FAMILY is #1...I may have NOT shown him in appropriate ways that he was #1 in my heart and life...but it doesn't make it anyless true...<p>AND, I'm getting better at not yelling when he starts...or crying...<p>Yep...I push too hard and too fast (as many of my posts would testify!)<p>Cali

Lexx,<p> Let me tell you how I feel when things don't go as I like or would want.<p> I continually ask myself why? Why won't/can't she see how badly I am trying. How badly I want this marriage to work. Why does she expect(even though MB teaches it)me to walk on pins and needles and not hurt her(not LB), when she continually hurts(LBs) me. <p> Why does she see her needs as above mine? What makes them more important? How can I be expected to read her mind? How can I know that when she gives me a hug, that is all it is, she only wants one, should I know that?<p> How can she expect me to trust her in everything she does when she will not help me by doing exactly what she says? If she tells me she is going to ABC, why does she also go to XYZ, without telling me? Can't she see what this does to me?
When I try to explain what this does, why must she turn it all around and say I am controlling her?<p> I don't want to control her. I want to be afforded the same as I give her. I am her husband, why is it so hard to tell me, "honey I am going to ABCXYZ"? Can't she see that it isn't about control? Just about caring enough about me to care.<p> jd<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

Hi Lex,<p>
I guess you could say I'm this type. I've always been a fix it and move on. I really have tried my best to take those "baby steps" with my W. It is so hard because I see a little progress then a step back. I guess our problem is that W thinks I want everything to be fixed right NOW. I just want us to get to the starting line. I can't believe that we are at the starting line if W still has OM in her heart and is still in contact. How long do you wait? We were in counseling Tues. and C asked W how long she could wait if she were in my shoes. W can't/won't answer. W seems to think she/we are making progress. I don't see it that way. I've waited almost 11 months to get to the starting line and we are not there yet. When I first started, I told myself I would give it 3 months. 3 months came and went. 6 months, 9, and now almost 11 and our M is about the same place where it started. To make a long story short, I moved out on Monday. I'm sad and I'm struggling but I'm not going back until that is over and I know my W wants me for me. I doubt we're going to make it. Still, I have very little bitterness, just dissapointment. We still have a little spat now and then but are generally pretty good friends so all is not lost. She says she doesn't understand why I left and I don't know how to make it any clearer to her. To her it's all about her, we have to do it her way. Well we've been doing it her way for 11 months and it's not getting us anywhere.<p>You had a rant about your H's fear of change a few weeks ago. I think you need to look at yourself a little closer. Baby steps are for those afraid of change. Just a thought.<p>
who

Lexxxy-<p>I guess I'm a fixer too. My W has complained about this. Like your H, I don't like the delay. On the other hand, I get anxious when there is no acknowledgement that I have changed or that I am doing something that meets my W's EN or even is a LB. She is very guarded about sharing these things with me. A little encouragement could go a long ways.
SG