I've been thinking about all the imperfections with the OM all week. Some are superficial but every little thing helps, baby steps right now.<P>1. His hair is always slicked back with lots of mouse, it always looks wet. I asked him to wear it naturally and he did, but then it sticks up straight like a porcupine.<P>2. He's about 30lbs. overweight. Never bothered me, but my husband has a very good body.<P>3. Though he is very intelligent, he knows it and not liked personally by many at work. Comes across as being arogant,pushy, and a brown-noser. I never agreed and really saw that side.<P>4. Very aggressive.<P>5. Cheap, or as he always says, frugal. Counts every penny and has to be the best price around. My husband is very open in this regard, never have to worry about how much I spend, as long as it makes me happy, he's fine with it.<P>6. Sexually (I know I have explain this). We actually did not make love until just recently and it was only a few times. Although the chemistry was unbelievable in everything else, when we actually decided to make love, maybe because my expectations were so high, it was not was I had dreamed. He had difficulty staying aroused, this had never happened to me, and I was shocked. He blamed it on the places (not very convenient),time constraints and the whole situation. My husband and I (up until the affair started) had a satisfying sex life. I keep thinking about when we first met 14 yrs ago, still living at with our parent's, the places we went just to be together still makes me giggle. We were crazy and he was always ready to please and still knows exactly what I like.<P>Anyway, I just wanted to share and thanks for listening.<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 10, 1999).]

Great job. I am a great believer a person's best characteristics are the flip side of their worst characteristics. And of course the more we know a person and the less fantasy exists, the more chance we have to see the bad stuff. Don't know your story, but if you have cut off contact, instead of all the good stuff being "frozen in time" you can project what would irritate you and then actually let it instead of thinking warm thoughts.<P>You are naturally picking up on this!<P>For instance, I am flexible and go with the flow. The flip side is I have a hard time focusing and am a bit unorganized.<P>Forgive me for being sexist, I'm sure the same thing applies to women...but one of my favorite sayings is "All men are quirky...you just have to decide what quirks you can put up and know what you can't handle and find a man that matches up."<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Okay, I'll play. This will help me!<P>1. Cheated on his wife<BR>2. Lied to his best friends<BR>3. Used me like a piece of meat<BR>4. Pale<BR>5. Duck feet<BR>6. Prominent chin<BR>7. Blonde eyebrows/lashes<BR>8. Likes football<BR>9. Oggles women with his eyes<P>

My problem is, (like Faith, Hope and Love outlined) that I did end in the middle of the fantasy. The OM does not live in my town and we only saw each other when we got away to our own "little world". I have grasped at straws trying to remember the little things that hinted at his shortcomings and negative traits. <P>I like this thread a lot but need to go....hope to come back to it and start listing all the bad things about him.

LOL, I wanna play, I wanna play!! Can I, can I can I??<P>1. He is short, only about 5'9 inches. H is 6'4!!!!<P>2. He is about 30-40lbs overweight with a pot-belly. (H is fit and trim!)<P>3. He doesn't exercise. (Both H and I exercise regularly.)<P>4. He knows nothing about sports. (Both my H and I are former athletes and LOVE sports.)<P>5. He hated the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan. (This alone is cause enough for me to hate him )<P>6. He had an atrocious diet of mainly fatty, greasy, breaded foods ..... didn't maintain a healthy diet at all. (Both H and I eat very healthy diets.)<P>7. He dressed like a nerd. (My H could model for GQ magazine.)<P>8. His lips were too big. (Looked like he had collagen shots.)<P>9. He had small, squinty eyes.<P>10. He didn't like animals. (We have 3 dogs!)<P>11. He was Republican. (Both H and I are loyal Democrats ......... Go Bradley, Go Gore!! Boo Hiss Bush! )<P>12. He couldn't dance. (H is a good dancer.)<P>13. He didn't keep up with popular music. (With a teenager in the house, I have to!)<P>I could go on and on, the list of things wrong with him is sooooooooooo long. I'll come back and add more later.<P>THIS IS FUN!! <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

It ended before I had a chance to learn his negative traits<p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 14, 1999).]

Holly,<BR>Try listing three positive traits and I'll take a stab of what the flip side might be.<P>We can pretty much assume he is not sincere and honesty is out the door. Are those things important to you? Does H have those? If so, chalk a few up for H.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13<p>[This message has been edited by Faith Hope Love (edited September 10, 1999).]

Bonnie,<P>I'm still in withdrawal, and the OM broke my heart. I understand the "middle of a fantasy". My world came crashing down when he did a 360 on me. <P>Holly, the OM also asked me if "limbo" was definitely out of question, just in case his counseling doesn't work.<P>It's not easy thinking of OM negative qualitites but this is really helping.<BR>

Faith Love Hope--<P>Here's 3 positive traits:<BR>1. friendly towards everyone<BR>2. funny<BR>3. good body, attractive<P>Give me the flip side and I'll let you know if it's true.<P>Honesty is important to me...I'm sure if the OM and I were together I would be worried about him having an affair on me. I trust my husband 100%, he's extremely level-headed!

HEY NEW WOMAN!<P>No Fair! Your OM is grosser than mine!<P>

OK...<P>Friendly to everyone. Maybe a chameleon type telling everyone what they want to hear? Lacks sincerity? Wants everyone to like him so he can use them to suit his own purposes? Friendliness a cover to keep all relationships superficial? May also be a conflict avoider who doesn't want to deal with real issues. Any of the above?<P>Funny. A little harder. May be related to the above. Also may want to be the center of attention. If a practical jokester may have a laugh at others expense, which could mean he is a little cruel. Also may want to keep things superficial. May lack depth of personality. How am I doing?<P>Good body, attractive. This might not be a fair one since it is physical...but if he is not graced with youth, it may indicate that he is a bit high maintenance. Self centered. Maybe wants his women to be attractive kind of like a trophy. Values style over substance. Wish I could spell.<P>OK am I close on any of these?

My turn for OM Bashing: <P>He would rather work than spend time with his family<P>He is a brown-noser<P>He can't sing or dance<P>He is still too attached to his Mommy<P>He is way too skinny <P>He is manipulative<P>He is selfish<P>He is cowardly<P>He hides behind his religion (always thought that the wrongness of the affair was between him and Jesus, and that as long as he repented after being with me that he was covered. barf)<P>He thinks he knows everything<P><BR>That's enough for now. Thanks for this thread- it's very therapeautic

Ladies, please don't take any offense to what I might say here. Please consider I'm in a rut these past few days....weeks.....months......oh hell it's been years now!<P>But, reading how each of you have compared your OM to your H's I have to ask.....why in the world would you have ever had relations if these guys were in fact so bad? And why in the world would you cheat on your H's if in fact they were so good?<BR>I ask this because, not to be arrogent but I'm described as just like your H's except, I happen to slick my hair back with Mousse and it always looks wet, but it's curly and looks much better than if it was dry....I also like football!... <BR>The OM is a complete opposite of me and in many of the bad ways you all mention here. I just can't figure out why, if they were so bad in these areas, why would you even give them the time of day?<P>Women! I give up trying to figure you all out!...

LOL! Yeah, he's gross alright!! Truly, I'm embarrassed I was ever with him and don't know what I ever saw in him. I haven't seen him since we split, but I'd be willing to bet that he has packed on even more pounds. LOL! I bet he's been eating like it's going out of style!<P>I'm just glad none of that is any of my problem anymore.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Yeah, Blues, I was actually thinking the same thing .... but obviously for most of us women it isn't about physical attractiveness. In my case, the OM met huge needs in my life: attention, affection, verbal affirmation ...<P>My H is definitely the better man, but at the time he wasn't meeting these needs. Unfortunately I went elsewhere to have them met.<BR>

Faith Hope Love--<P>You're right about the trophy thing. He's very much into my looks...I think that's his favorite thing about me. He told me how if I was his that he would always want me to dress sexy around other people so that he could show me off and so they would look at me. <BR>Thanks...that really helped!!<P>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 11, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 14, 1999).]

Hi Blues,<P>Yeah, I wonder that myself sometimes. But, if you look at the other thread we have going, "What we love about our spouses," you'll see in my post where I clearly point out that this is the H I have NOW. My H hasn't always been the man he is now. Well, let me put it this way, there were many factors that blocked his ability to be the man he is today and me to be able to see the man he is today.<P>When we are in that low state of mind, even a toad can seem like a prince. At least that's what happened in my case. I knew that OM wasn't at all what I usually would be attracted to, but in the frame of mind I was in, just about anyone who said the right things would do. That's a scary dynamic of an affair. Rarely is it with a person who we would really consider as a true life partner.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

blues,<P>I didn't see any of the good things in my husband or any of the bad things in OM at the time. A year and a half ago my two lists would have looked completely different. <P>I might, back then, have written:<P>My Husband:<P>childish <BR>immature<BR>irritating <BR>unable to have a normal conversation<BR>insensitive to my feelings<BR>more concerned with t.v. than me<BR>doesn't care what I think<BR>doesn't know anything about me at all<P><BR>OM:<P>a real go-getter<BR>motivated<BR>well-respected at work<BR>devout<BR>sensitive to my feelings and needs<BR>my soulmate<BR>always knows what I am thinking<BR>only person who knows the 'real' me<BR>smart<BR>passionate<P><BR>Of course, back then I was in fantasy-land and anything negative my H did fueled the fire to where I thought he was completely useless as a husband and anything positive the OM did/said just reinforced how perfect I thought he was. I thought I was the only one who ever felt such a love, and that I had complete perception of reality. I can't explain why. but now, I am better able to see their REAL qualities, and thus the lists we are writing today.

Gosh this is fun!<BR> I never thought about this before until I started reading these. I think that some of us were seeing the same OM! Holly, the guy I was seeing pulled the same stuff on me. Would tell me that he needed to stay with his wife, and then begged me not to break it off. Said that he LOVED me, but was stuck with her. Whatever!!!!<BR>Anyway here's my list!<P>Lazy<BR>Manipulaitve<BR>Not even cute<BR>Scared to death of his wife<BR>Did I mention Lazy?<BR>Pouted when he didn't get his way<BR>Had no personality<BR>Out of shape - probably 'cause he's lazy<BR>Walked like a duck<BR>Dressed terrible<P>What ever was I thinking??? She can have him!

You are welcome. Maybe I should be one of those political spin doctors. <P>Now think about how having a real life relationship would have gone.<P>When things got a little tense, he may not be willing to do the hard work to resolve the issue.<P>He may not share his true thoughts or feelings with you. You may find him hard to communicate with after time. Never quite knowing where things stand.<P>He may look out for #1...#1 being him. You would be #2.<P>If you couldn't keep up your looks, he may devalue you. He may not appreciate your intelligence or may be threatened by it. <P>If he was interested in dressing you, he may be interested in controlling you in other ways. He may see you as a posession (spelling again) rather than a partner.<P>If he organized his shirts by color he may be obsessive about many things. If you are too, great. If you are more relaxed or unorganized...it wouldn't be pretty.<P>Most important...if you didn't perform to his standards...he'd be outta there.<P>Your H is right beside you. I think you kept the better deal!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13