I ended the affair in 3/01. Since then, we've had counseling, I've prayed a lot, and have worked on lots of love buster things. It had been tough because I had strongly suspected this for 2 years, and had calmly confronted, but it was denied. Anyway, though things are much better, I'm still the one that says I Love You, not him. He does respond back, but never instigates it. Neither does he touch me, flirt with me, etc. He only touches as he instigates sex. This has been very tough on me, and I used to cry about it in front of him, but I've stopped all of that for at least 6 weeks. Still, results aren't any different. Neither has he finished a Harley book that I'd strongly suggested he read... I've stopped nagging about that as well. Where do I go from here? Its tough for me to take an interest in sex when it seems like I'm providing all of the affection. (Especially when my appearance - gaining a few pounds after a couple of kids - was an issue in the marriage.) However, I've lost a few pounds, and I am sure I could beat my H in a two mile run now. Please advise! This really hurts, and I'm losing patience, and I want to be here for the long run.

I am a bit confused...was it you who had the A or your H?

It was my H... sorry for the confusion.... But I've been the one who's spent most of the energy since I busted them..... that's the frustration

Okay - I am the queen of "He doesn't say I love you". It's been 1.5 years since dday and end of affair. We've had counselling, we're together still, we have great sex together, great times together, etc etc etc.....still he doesn't say I love you - not even BACK to me when I say it to him. Our five year old son likes to get us to kiss each other and the other night he gave my H instructions to say "I love you " to me (this is all an innocent game to him - no coaching from me I swear!) H didn't do it even then!!<p>SO - I've just decided I'll say I love him when I need to and not expect it back. I'm taking the pressure off him to say it to me, in hopes he'll decide when he KNOWS he's truly truly committed to those words he'll say them. One day.....

WOW! I know exactly how you feel. I tell him what I need- the I love you's without me saying it first, a hug without hugging him first, holding his hand without me taking his, etc, and he says he will do this. Does he? NOPE! Even when I cry or practically beg , so I have to stop it. He is the one who said he wanted more affection when he came home and he isn't giving any to me. It is very frustrating an d I totally understand how you feel.

Ya know - my H does little things - he'll give me kiss out of the blue, give my butt a little squeeze when I'm dressing (especially if I'm wearing a thong) - I mean - we have wonderful moments - we joke, smile, talk, blah blah blah, but he just hasn't said "I LOVE YOU" right to my face - eye to eye. I really feel he wants to be sure he won't ever go back on his word again and until he knows that deep in his heart, he won't say it. Does that make sense??

I really think that part of it is fear. That may sound weird, but I think that they may be afraid that if they say it we will take it to mean that recovery is over and everything is OK when both parties really know there is a long way to go. <p>Or if they say it and screw up again we will say, hey you told me you loved me and now it's just another lie.<p>Or, they lied about loving us during the A for so long and have buried their own feelings and emotions for so long they are afraid to let go and be totally emotionally honest.<p>I don't know and I am not expressing myself very well here. (long night talking w/ WS and longer still being up w/sick kid)<p>Just my thoughts

Thanks for the responses so far.... I guess I just need patience, which for me means to pray in order to get it.... its just hard to continue to be the one to initiate stuff..... makes me feel like a total loser.... I do think fear is an issue, but with our situation, (OW was "part" of extended family and every holiday celebration, ski trip, etc...) and I didn't tell OW's husband, and I still SEE OW, I really need an arm around my shoulder, ya know what I mean??