I've been posting to the 'Just Found Out' forum for a while but think I might get a better response to my question here. This forum looks pretty lively.<p>I've been thinking that it might be time for me to try and take Plan A a step further, but I'm not sure exactly what I should. So, my question is really geared to W's who had an EA/PA and what they want from their H's during this recovery time. When W told me about the A, I tried to smother her with love and attention thinking I could win her back, but all that did was push her away further. So I backed off and try to be more of her friend than anything, still tell her I love her, how great she looks, cards once in a while, just little things like that. <p>What other kinds of things should I do? I think the OM has completely broken off all contact with W and has even told her to stop trying to get in touch with him. If this is true, then I know I need to do something more than what I am doing now. I'm just looking for suggestions from the W's about what the H's did that meant a lot to them. I'll take any advice and try and work it into my Plan A.<p>Thanks to all you beautiful people on these forums.

No real advice here, just letting you know that I feel the same way. I feel like I am smothering him with too much love...is that possible??? It's probably paranoia I'm sure that has something to do with it since I know the OW wants him soooo bad. she tells him she knows she can make him happy. I wish she was like your wifes OM and would tell my H to leave her alone. I can't get that lucky!!

Hi,<p>I do have some advice for you, and it was learned the way hard way:<p>Find out, any way you can, your WS's EN's, and meet them. I know this seems so simple, but let me give you an example of how a small bit of knowledge will go a long way --<p>My ex (notice - "ex", I told you I learned this the hard way) knew I loved flowers, and he had flowers sent to me once at work, on my 30th birthday. I raved and gushed and thanked him and gushed some more. Did I get flowers sent to me again? Nope, not for another 10 years. Now, he would occasionally buy some at the market and deliver them himself, which was nice, but I **really** thought it was something special to have them delivered. The only reason he had them delivered again was because he knew our marriage was in big trouble. Now, why didn't he do that during all those ten years, BEFORE it was in trouble?? <p>Another example: I am honest to a fault. I thought that was a good thing. I was honest about just about everything. I can honestly tell you that I was NOT a good housekeeper. I hate housework. My ex's EN's included Domestic Support (Housecleaning falls there) but does NOT include Honesty (I know, go figure!). So, I wan't kudos for being honest, and he just wanted a clean house. I was doing something "good" and wasn't being rewarded -- he didn't CARE.<p>So, hopefully I haven't confused you more... just given you something to think about...<p>Best wishes

Hi - sounds like you're highly motivated and that's great. This is a little tricky, though. Keep notes on what works and what doesn't.<p>If you are making a huge change in how you behaved before, she won't believe you can keep it up, and she will think it's just because you're in panic. On top of that, she may feel guilty or pressured.<p>Just do the things that she will let you, and build up incrementally. She has to decide that she'll work on the marriage, and then you can work on meeting all her needs. The OM might not really be over, and even if it is, she may not be over it or ready to come back to you yet.<p>I was at a point like this several months into plan A. It's not working, no more visible progress, I need to do more. But you can't push too hard, it doesn't work. <p>Well, I don't mean that plan A doesn't work, but it's not supposed to "win" her back. You prove that you're safe to come back to, but she decides to come back.<p>- Tom

Loveherstill, you seemingly have the motivation to work out the kinks in your marriage. Patience and forgiveness are virtues that are required. Plan A is about you, my friend! Be the best that you can be and try your hardest not to judge your W's behavior. The marriage recovery is much like a dance.....two steps forward, one back. <p>Eventually, all will come together if both parties are cognizant of the work involved in mending the cracks that created the atmosphere for the infidelity. It's NOT easy but, then again, nothing worth having is easy, or so they (who ARE they?) say. <p>Time is on your side. Take it one day (or step) at a time. Do not give up. Come to the MB forum when you find the need for encouragement. Or a need to vent. We've been there, done that and continue doing. Hang in there!<p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi loverherstill,<p>it sounds like I reacted very similarly to you when I discovered my Ws second A. And although my W cut the contact with the OM it took months before it started to click between the two of us again.<p>What I learned is that an effective Plan A has to address your wifes needs. And the only way to find these out is to ask her. We used the questionaire in His Needs Her Needs - it helps and we used a counsellor as an objective third party. And this told us the areas we were doing a good job and the areas where we were pretty hopeless.<p>One of the biggest healers I found is the spending time together. We hadn't been doing this for years due to kids, busy job, large circle of friends, etc. During our recovery period (and the support of a counselor) we've agreed to dedicate 4 nights to us. We talk, go to a restuarant, basically do fun things together and we haven't done this in years.<p>You need to combine the key three factors of spending time together, agreeing before doing and avoiding LBs for a plan A to work. And it does. This morning, my W said to me 'I love you' before I left for work [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] now that puts a smile in my heart.<p>good luck,<p>- Freddy