Life continues here. I am trying to survive.<p>Talked to my mother last week...no matter what was said...I wasn't doing it right. I let a lot slide and then ended up exploding. I told her that I am doing the best I know how. I am tired of criticism and would appreciate her support without the baggage.<p>I had a meeting with my lawyer. He screamed at me and said I was to have no contact with my H. He said if I continue to email or talk to him...he would drop my case. He said that he didn't have time to fool with this in court unless I do as he says.<p>My H has been emailing almost every day. He was upset that he couldn't be a part of our son's birthday celebration. I was so busy last week that I didn't even plan it until the Friday night before the party on Saturday. It was fun tho--took ten little kids out to the Pumpkin Patch and came back to the house for pizza, cake and ice cream. My son's teacher told me on that Friday that Kyle was not doing well with the divorce. My H. was coming into their classroom to eat lunch with Kyle. When he leaves, Kyle cries and carries on for an hour. His teacher said it is very disruptive. I wrote H and told him about the situation and he again blamed me. This is getting so old.<p>My H wants me to drop the restraining order. He says he wants to come and finish the upstairs, paint the house, repair the deck....just for the kids sake. He wants me to write up a letter so that he would be able to do that.<p>My van broke down again. H said he would buy me another van if I drop the restraining order.<p>We are bouncing cks all over the place. He has put us in a horrible financial situation. Yet he wrote me last night that this is necessary. If I don't accept it and move on, I will be the one hurting the kids. He said we had a shell of a marriage and that it was rotten from the inside and had to be changed. He said that he "is trying to the best of my abilities" and doing what he thinks is right for the kids.<p>In the mean time, I am working, taking care of the kids, handling the daily crises and trying to survive. Emotionally, I am reaching the end tho. This is so sad and was so unneccesary. <p>My H wrote in one of his emails...I know you are a wonderful person...it had to do with our interaction in our marriage. Now he is saying he will have to rethink what he wrote about our relationship because I won't take off the restraining order. What could he possibly say--I have always been there for him.<p>You know what, on mornings like today...I am starting to wonder...will there ever be love in my life again? How could he do this...I still don't understand.<p>He has moved into KC with his OW into an apt. He is only working 4 days next month...and wants to be in our home to finish the things he left undone. <p>He also wrote that we would have to sell our retirement home....but that when the bills are paid, we could jointly purchase a place at Lake of the Ozarks and we could share it. <p>Sometimes I feel like I am living in a Twilight Zone. Does anyone else think this is just bizaare--or am I really messed up? I don't know anymore. I have always tried to be a good mother, wife and spouse. Why did this happen?

hi mnm.
Yes. It definitely sounds like the twilight zone. No, you are not crazy. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] unless we all are. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Why does this happen? gosh.... I wish someone could figure out the simple cause and a simple solution. Please remember to take care of you. You can become stronger through struggles.<p>Your H hs been aabducted by aliens, and you probably wish they would take him on to their planet and leave you alone!!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hang in there sweetie. We're here to listen.<p>Sorry I don't have any real advice for you. You are in a tough situation. Please take care of you and your kids. Let your H rant and rave and do whatever wants. You stay in control of YOU. Cooperate with your attorney - you need him.<p>You are a wonderful person - no matter what he says or doesn't say.<p>A joint property at the lake?? I dunno. SOunds like typical "cake and eat it too" syndrome.

mm.....My suggestion is to negotiate financial stuff. Love and marriage are a choice, but bills have to be paid. If you have no real need for the protection order, why not accept his offer of van, and fixing up house. You have nothing to lose, and your willingness to negotiate seems to be important to him (and this kind of stuff does have male bias to it). Just be careful you are not being skillfully manipulated, but if he is trying to act on some of his guilt by making things better for you financially, and if he wants to be involved in kids lives, you have nothing to lose......ya know? Yes, it will be emotionally harder, but but that is how it goes sometimes, maybe realizing you (and kids) are getting some real benefits will help with the emotions. And always remember it ain't over till it's over, maybe now is the time to try a little different behaviour and see where it goes. Good luck

Hi MnM,<p>I'm sorry for all the hurt and craziness. You're doing a great job with the kids under such stressful circumstances, Hon. Faith is right, you can't make sense of a situation which is based in senseless actions and words. The aliens have a good grip on him.<p>I missed the place where you're telling us what Plan you are in (A or B), MnM? If I knew that, I could then give you my opinion on whether or not you should allow your H to come to the house to finish up his house-tasks. <p>"IF" you're in Plan B and have sent the Plan B letter then you need to follow your attorney's advice and stick to NO-CONTACT, as he has advised.<p>MnM, your credit is very important, having checks bounce is NOT a good or acceptable thing. What does your attorney say about this? Isn't he concerned as well?<p>Love,
Jo

Thanks for the input. We are officially in plan B. My attorney even wants me to communicate through a third party when he wants to see the kids. Of course, he charges me for every little thing. <p>This divorce will cost a fortune. My H wants to continue here, be in the house, finish unfinished business and continue his affair. He shows no remorse for what he has done to us.<p>The more time that goes by...the more he justifies his relationship. He has me doubting what our marriage was like. It is ridiculous. <p>I am becoming more aware tho of what kind of man he is. I don't know if I do want to deal with him any longer.<p>I also feel worn out tho. I work in a very demanding job, continue with all the kids activities, plus try to keep the house and laundry done. <p>It is so sad to see other families working together--doing what they should to raise their family. I still don't know how he could do this. I could see it if I was a shrew or something--but I have done nothing but love and support him.<p>I keep reading how it involves both of us---but he took so much and gave back very little. Life isn't supposed to happen like this. Oh, I am disgusted with myself...I'm whining. <p>I know I have said it before...I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my family back. It is not going to happen though. <p>Have to run and get some grocies. Sorry I sound so ugly today...Maybe I just need to get out of here for awhile. Take Care and thanks for the responses. It is great having a outlet for all these pent up emotions.

Dear MnM,<p>I am sorry to hear of your latest events. Yes, the finance stuff is unavoidable. I would let all the participating parties (your mom and lawyer) know that putting more stress and demands on you in a disrespectful and uncaring way may send you over the edge (if that is how you are feeling). In other words support me, don't abuse me!!! <p>As regards your H, I read Snl's post and while there is sense about not being able to side step the finance piece, the rest is not always a choice. Snl said "My suggestion is to negotiate financial stuff. Love and marriage are a choice, but bills have to be paid. " This was a partial quote. <p>This so calle choice vs finances is kinda like. Yes, you have a choice what color clothes to wear but try walking out of the house 1/2 dressed or wearing only 1 pant leg and see how far you get! <p>Finances require attention to completion. Really, so does love and marriage. There has been a vow, promise and commitment made. Finances have contracts and approvals given. Why marriages even have a license! Children come with birth certificates. Even if they didn't there was still the most binding piece done before, God. <p>When you put it all together, you may not go to jail for declaring bankruptcy but what is God's punishment for adultery? Hm..... MnM, this last point was not for you but for the benefit of all....<p>Back to your thought, finances are a sticky wicked..... Your H needs to give you secured income. So if his checks are bouncing, get a money order or cashier's check. Whether he has enough money left of for his place with OW is not your concern. That is what I resorted to. H wanted me to figure out how he was going to pay the other end. I said, oh no that's your business. Then he threw at me well what if I borrow money from OW? I said IF she is dumb enough to loan it to you, then go ahead!!! A big thing for H was NOT to be indebit to the OW. He did borrow some money which I did not learn about until he came home. He has since repaid her and now of course she is not happy about loosing that piece of control over the WS. Hm....... the point is that I took what should have been a major stress point for me, pulled out my piece and left the rest of the stress for the WS. <p>Stress for the WS! New cliche! Like finances, it may help him see reality. Now if he comes and asks you how is he suppose to manage his apt end, don't let that be your worry. Also if he is trying to bargain the restraining order with promise of more bounced checks......DONT. There is no guarantee on his side if you give in. Be very careful. You may not realize who is pulling his strings on the other side. <p>L.

Hi MnM Just had to reply, dont know your story but from your bit at the bottom it seems similar to mine.
Im also 47 been married 21 years this week and been together 26 years.
My H is on his 3rd A its been going on 16 months,
i asked him to leave 7wks ago but he has not moved in with OW yet.
I want to send you a big hug ((((MM)))) its the pits isint it, how are your kids doing?? mine wont have a thing to do with Dad i find that sooo hard.
This last week ive started to wonder who this man is?? i dont care if he hurts me but how can he hurt his kids (16 & 18).
Ive told him he needs to sit them down and talk and tell them he loves them or he is gonna lose them, ive tried to tell them that he loves them and always will, but they feel abandoned.
How is your H with your kids??
Sorry to go on about me but thought it might help to know im there with you.
Take care.
Liz

I know, I have been thinking over his latest proposals. He says I am not compromising..and that was one of the problems with me in our marriage. <p>Actually, however, my lawyer has advised no contact. The restraining order was placed on him because he blew with me and my 2nd oldest daughter. <p>At my divorce recovery class I am going to, I told them of his latest proposals. They said to be careful, because the divorce is pretty stacked against him. They said that if he comes into the house and does repairs, he can use that in court when they assess the house and divide our assets. I never would of thought of that. <p>I am not sure what he wants. He definitely doesn't want our marriage. He does want a relationship with his kids. And I think he knows he has let us with a mess. Which he has. That is hard for him to live with. But not hard enough for him to come home and be a loving husband and father. <p>My older kids don't want him to come home anymore. They feel that we are better off without. I wish my heart felt like that. I just want a normal relationship....and it is hard to realize that I won't have one with him. <p>When I see him, I know I still love him. But he doesn't feel anything towards me. This girl really has her claws sunk in deep.<p>They haven't lived together yet. It will be interesting this next month to see if it is really true bliss when they have this month off. He had to borrow money from her to rent the apt. <p>I guess I am stuck at this level...need to move on for me. I have to start feeling better--I hate where I am right now.<p>I have had more than one person ask me if I would really take him back after all of this. I don't know...I think I would be willing to work at it again....for my family's sake. And for me. Maybe SNL is right...we just don't fit. He obviously has different values than I do. Maybe it is time to just let go. What a bummer. Thanks Orchid for the reply. I will go to the bank tomorrow and take out money from his account to pay the bills. Good idea. He has been whining to me that he has to live too. Amazing how he thinks I should be able to support this family of 5 on the little I make and part of his retirement account. He is spending a fortune on his apt. and hotels and restaurants. But, he keeps reminding me that he is doing this for the best for the family. Why doesn't he see the damage? How could someone be so self-centered.

Hi Lizzle,<p>Sorry to hear you are in the same situation. <p>My kids vary in their responses to him. The two oldest girls are disgusted with his behavior. They think he is behaving horrendously. They know about his temper, past affairs, and his lack of caring about us. He always came first and let everyone know it. My oldest daughter also realizes that financially she has to keep her communication with her father open. She wants a truck for her horse and is getting ready to go to college next year.<p>Mandy, my second daughter has caught my H. in many lies and is great on the computer. She caught him emailing his fling before this one 1 1/2 years ago. She won't have anything to do with him and gets mad at me for trying to salvage anything out of this relationship.<p>My 10 year old daughter thinks Dad is a jerk. He took her and my son out on the boat with the OW and also to their motel room and to a movie this summer when my oldest daughter and I were in Europe. He told them to lie about it. Kaitie would prefer that he not come home. But she is excited to see him and I know just wants her family back.
My youngest and only son has mixed feelings about dad. He loves him desparately. He misses him. He is so excited when he finally does visit him. It is hard because I think my H wants to try to win custody of my son. Never will I allow that to happen.<p>I have spent the last 6 months in this quagmire...and it has got to change. I feel like I am dying inside. I don't feel any joy in life right now....I struggle to get through each day. I really hate this. <p>It amazes me how some people can just say "It's over" and just move on. I wish I felt like that. Now, I really do have to run to the commisary. Have a great afternoon everyone.

From MNM:<p>I had a meeting with my lawyer. He screamed at me and said I was to have no contact with my H. He said if I continue to email or talk to him...he would drop my case. He said that he didn't have time to fool with this in court unless I do as he says.<p>I think you should get a less abusive lawyer!!!

Hi MNM. I'm so sorry that things are so messy for you. It's so hard to come to the realization after such a long relationship with someone that he can be this horrible. You're right I too wish someone had the answer as to why this happens. <p>IMO it is best to listen to your atty. at this point. As far as everyone else forget them. Do they walk in your shoes? I think not. Everyone wants to give us advice and they may think it's so easy to let go and move on after devastating things happen to ones marriage but our hearts know differently. I've heard that a hundred times from both friends and family "he's not worth, you need to move on" easy for them to say. <p>
I really do feel your pain especially where the children are concerned. Financially this is hard. I've been robbing Peter to pay Paul for months. I seem to keep getting in deeper. I just don't understand how the WS thinks everything will be okay. Okay for them maybe because they are living in a fantasy land. For those of us here in the real world it sucks!<p>I'm sorry I have no real advice to offer you but I hope it helps knowing that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your kids. I hope tomorrow will be better.
Hugs & Prayers,
C

Thanks Cybil,<p>It is so very hard. I'm thinking of taking a mental health day tomorrow. I really am tired mentally and physically. I am so far behind here at the house...and I have to get to the bills sometime.<p>Doing this on your own is a lot harder than I had imagined. I have done it alone for the last couple of years--but I knew he was there to confer with if nothing else. Now there is no one to turn to. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle.<p>I think if I do take tomorrow off I will try to get in and try to get back on some type of anti-depressants. I just seem to be going deeper in this funk this time.<p>I emailed my H. that all correspondence with me is over. He will have to work through our lawyers. If he wants to see the kids he will have to do it through a third party.<p>He will take this as being vindictive. Actually, it is just to save my sanity. When he writes all this horrible stuff about our marriage--it really takes its tole emotionally with me.<p>I can't go on doing this anymore. I really can't handle anything else right now. His emails are so distorted and untrue. He has made me into this monster---I think he has convinced himself about it. It is so sad. <p>Saw a lot of our B2 friends at church today. They all feel so bad. They can't believe he has done this. They try to be nice...but for some reason, it makes me feel bad. This pain is so deep and hurts so bad. I don't know if I can go through with this. I feel like I have no control over anything. Maybe I just need to get more sleep.....I thing I will try. Have to get the kids to bed and then I think I will just leave everything and go to bed too.<p>SNL,
I would try to compromise with him...if my lawyer said I could. He told me that it would hurt my court case. Not only that, I do think Jim is manipulating this for some reason. He could have worked on all these projects all spring and summer....and he didn't do it. What is the suddent interest now. Maybe my divorce support group is right. I don't know anymore---I am so tired of trying to figure out this mess. I never dreamt I would be here--even last January. I should have seen this coming....why did I think he would behave differently this time. Why am I going through again?

Hugz! MnM...and yep...it is much like a surreal episode of the Twilight Zone...some of the things that come out of my H's mouth...then a couple of months later when I repeat them to him he denies he said it, or says I have twisted them...yeah...I've suggested we get a tape recorder to tape our conversations [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ...I did get a grin from him on that one...<p>I'm not getting good vibes about your lawyer...most divorce lawyers are sharks...guess they have to be...but don't put up with abuse...there are avenues to complain...(my BIL is a lawyer in the Bronx).<p>When I read posts like yours I could slap myself for my own whining...at least my H is home and sharing the load...<p>Yeah...the surely don't realize all the financial and emotional repercussions do they? My H is now refusing to move out because it would be 'financially imprudent' at this time...no kidding...<p>A friend's daughter at work is going through something similar and he actually yelled at her that she was 'ruining his life' when he got the order to pay around $700 per/month child support...<p>Gotta let them hit bottom...gotta let them suffer the natural consequences...that's what I learned this week...you don't have to be mean or vindictive either...it will happen naturally...<p>Hugz and prayers for you and your family...<p>Cali

Thanks Cybil,<p>It is so very hard. I'm thinking of taking a mental health day tomorrow. I really am tired mentally and physically. I am so far behind here at the house...and I have to get to the bills sometime.<p>Doing this on your own is a lot harder than I had imagined. I have done it alone for the last couple of years--but I knew he was there to confer with if nothing else. Now there is no one to turn to. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle.<p>I think if I do take tomorrow off I will try to get in and try to get back on some type of anti-depressants. I just seem to be going deeper in this funk this time.<p>I emailed my H. that all correspondence with me is over. He will have to work through our lawyers. If he wants to see the kids he will have to do it through a third party.<p>He will take this as being vindictive. Actually, it is just to save my sanity. When he writes all this horrible stuff about our marriage--it really takes its tole emotionally with me.<p>I can't go on doing this anymore. I really can't handle anything else right now. His emails are so distorted and untrue. He has made me into this monster---I think he has convinced himself about it. It is so sad. <p>Saw a lot of our B2 friends at church today. They all feel so bad. They can't believe he has done this. They try to be nice...but for some reason, it makes me feel bad. This pain is so deep and hurts so bad. I don't know if I can go through with this. I feel like I have no control over anything. Maybe I just need to get more sleep.....I thing I will try. Have to get the kids to bed and then I think I will just leave everything and go to bed too.<p>SNL,
I would try to compromise with him...if my lawyer said I could. He told me that it would hurt my court case. Not only that, I do think Jim is manipulating this for some reason. He could have worked on all these projects all spring and summer....and he didn't do it. What is the suddent interest now. Maybe my divorce support group is right. I don't know anymore---I am so tired of trying to figure out this mess. I never dreamt I would be here--even last January. I should have seen this coming....why did I think he would behave differently this time. Why am I going through again?