So my H came back home last Friday night. He's been staying with his sister since 9/22, when, once again, I found out that contact with OW continued. He's spent the last 5 weeks either at home with me and the kids, or at his sister's. Unfortunately, I have been too afraid to ask for certain things from him (i.e., EN's questionnaire, POJA, etc.) as conditions of our getting back togther. He has made it clear that he's not interested in those things. My H has stated his reasons for his A were the fact that I'd become an angry, depressed person. I took my anger and depression out on him and our kids. When he left in March, he said it was to "start over" with our relationship. Well, he was really running to OW's arms. I began to work on my anger almost the day he left home. Things with my kids and I have gotten much better. Throughout the course of my H's waffling, lies, betrayal, I managed to do a pretty good Plan A, after finding MB website in June. On 10/2, contact with OW ended again. I believe this time, it's truly over. However, my H is still my H. While he's told me over the last few months that he realizes that HIS behavior and treatment of me led me to be an angry and depressed person, he really doesn't want to change his behavior at all. He wants to sweep the A under the rug and go back to being happy at home (as long as I can keep my anger and resentment at bay). <p>This weekend was a good example of his not putting me and my feelings in the place of priority that a wife deserves. He came home Friday night. He went up to his sister's on Saturday to get his things. Afterwards, he went up to his mom's to hang Christmas lights. When I expressed a desire to go with him, he turned me down flat. He didn't have a really good reason, other than he wanted to talk to his sister alone. I would have thought after all the time spent away from me, he'd welcome the company. Once he got to his sister's, she wasn't there. She was gone all day, and so he ended up leaving her a note, thanking her for her hospitality. Now, mind you, we paid her $200 every 2 weeks for his lodging, he was a great maintenance man for her, and he watched her son whenever she needed him to. Then he went to his mom's, hung the lights, and came home 6 hours later.<p>We found out later through his mom that his sister was actually upset with him for leaving without talking to her first. She was upset that he didn't tell her son that he'd be leaving. <p>My H had also told his sister (2 days after telling me he'd be home to help me hand out Halloween candy) that he'd drive up to her house on Halloween and hand out candy, so she could take her son out trick-or-treating. When I asked him if he was going to go up there every year to help her out (like she's the only single mom in the world), he said "I TOLD HER I'D DO IT, and I'M GOING TO DO IT!" Now, he cancelled his individual counseling session so he could go up and do this.<p>He's gotten closer with his mom and sister throughout our separation, and now it seems to me that their relationship is more important to him than ours. When I bring it up, he says "well, if you weren't ready for me to come home, you shouldn't have said yes."<p>I'm feeling the same as I have for years; that my feelings and his love for me take a back seat to everything and everyone else in his life. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MOM

Hi MOM<p>Not sure that I can help answer your question, but wanted you to know that you are not alone in having that question. I too, feel like I am the only one still in love in this relationship. I am the BS and my W is the WS. Her A was also the result of my anger and resentments that had built up. I didn't manage my anger properly. Through therapy, I now have it under control. She still doesn't know whether to trust me as a safe place. Therefore, she can't open up to me and share intimacy on any level except superficial.<p>Even though she says she loves me...... it is more like a sibling love than a marriage. I long and crave for that deeper connection we once had. I don't think she is capable of ever meeting that need for me again. Or, she is capable, but chooses not too!!!!!!!!!<p>She puts all her energy into work and kids. If I'm lucky, I may be 5th or 6th on her list of priorities. Our marriage is even further down the list. I'm plan A ing all I can to move up the list, but it is so discouraging.<p>Just wanted you to know that you are not alone......and I'll keep in touch. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

MOM,
I, too, relate to your feelings. I feel like so much is exactly the same, that the marriage will be okay as long as I do everything his way (the way it's been for 10 years), PLUS now I get to add to my load his A and deal with that all by myself as well. Don't know how to encourage you with that other than I am still here doing plan A the best I can.<p>Almost from the very beginning I felt like he never loved me as much as I loved him. Now I actually KNOW it. He has repeatedly said since D-day that he would NEVER take me back if I did what he did. I figure he will never love me the way I want to be loved, but I also realize that probably no one but God will, so I just try to live with it that way and try to concentrate on being loving myself as much as possible to those who are precious to me.<p>I'm gradually feeling more at peace with that, so I hope you can find your way to a place of peace, too.<p>Conqueror

Thanks for your response Burned. I'm sorry you're having to feel this way too. Unfortunately, I've always (at least from the 2nd year of our marriage) felt unloved and insecure about my H's feelings for me. I enabled him to be selfish and self-centered by giving in to his every material whim. See my first marriage, my H had an affair, then committed suicide. Unfortunately, I did not go to counseling at the time, and have lived with low self worth and insecurities ever since. I believe that I'm finally getting stronger in the self-worth department, but really wonder if my H is capable of loving me the way that he loved his OW. He has never bought love cards for me (he DID for OW). Not only that, but he traded in his wedding ring and upgraded for a diamond bracelet! Never in our 16 years of marriage has he been so selfless with me. It hurts, yet he continues to tell me that he loves me... Since all of this began, it's been me making all the moves, writing the love notes, sending the loving cards, etc. I just don't know if he'll ever have those kinds of feelings for me. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And if he can't, I wish he'd just go away, so maybe someday after licking my wounds, I could find that with someone else. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Wow Conqueror, you just said exactly how I've felt all these years. I'm SO very sorry you're having to feel this way too. I just kept asking myself "why can't he love me the way I love him?" I actually told him yesterday that I wish I could be secure in his love for me. His answer was "I wish you could too." He made it sound like it was an annoyance, not something he'd actually like to HELP me with. It sucks rocks!

Hi MOM,<p>I know that Plan A can be the pits. It feels like you are the only one to give a damn how it turns out. What Plan A has done for me though should be encouraging to you. Even though I struggle with emotions everyday, it has helped. It has given me time to improve myself, make myself a better partner. Patience has never been one of my better qualities. But, by giving her the time she needed, she is now allowing her HEART to catch up with her HEAD.<p>When he starts seeing the changes and improvements that you are making, then he will realize that he needs to make some to. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Or, he will be left behind. He needs to see that you are finding your own happiness outside the marriage. If you are doing things that make you happy, despite your marital problems, then he will realize that you can function fully without him. That will draw him closer to you.<p>I hope this made sense!!!!!!!!lol

What EN's does this man meet for you?
It sounds to me like he's very much lacking in things that are critically important to you.<p>And it also doesn't sound like he's willing to meet your needs.<p>It doesn't sound to me like you're moving toward recovery--despite his living at home. And I'm wondering why you want him home? Is it so you can Plan A him under your own roof? Cuz its still you doing all the giving -- what are you getting in return? Why do you want this man?
Your lovebank is going to drain without him being willing to meet your most important needs, and your relationship will stay vulnerable.<p>I think some agreements should have been made before he returned. I think you need to deal with your self esteem issues more. Having him home at all costs is not going to make you happy.