Hi, <p>Originally this was a duplicate thread. This revised site let's us change the subject!!!! <p>Anyway, I also wanted to share a thought. You know there is a lot of talk how the WS is so picky and says that the BS can't tell them what to do and shouldn't threaten them. But you know when push comes to shove, guess what they do? <p>Yep, threaten and tell the BS what to do. Let me share what happened to me. I have a great need for reassurance. OW has been calling and leaving messages on H's cell phone. H has been deleting them but he is not letting me know what she is saying (his way of protecting me). Instead this is depressing me. I have been feeling like each family member in this house, wants to be on their own. When I tell my son to do something, he seems to want to do something else. H is not communicative and so I am at a loss to know what to do. So I decided that I needed to be out of the house for a while, take a walk (a bit late at night). H got angry, threatened to leave and take son, said I couldn't call. Threatened to call police and say I abandoned him and son. Accused me of not getting him hired at work so I caused the A. Even said that he would take son to OW's house. <p>I did not put up any resistance. I had no fight left in me. So I just walked out. H warned me that he would be gone when I got back. I walked around several blocks near my home. I was not suicidal, just needed to be alone and reflect. H said I never let him do that. Thought he of all people would understand that reflection time. Instead H was more concentrated on someone hitting on a 'cute oriental girl.' Hm... this cute oriental girl is really a 44 year old old lady..... ok so there was reason to be concerned. But his way of showing concern hurt. <p>
Anyway, H apologized for those threats. Said he did it because he did not want me to leave. This morning I said that I did not respond well to threats and H said he did not either. So we agreed to speak nicer to each other. In the meantime, our son witnessed this episode. Not a good thing. I spoke to son who was confused why mom and dad were so upset at each other. I explained it had nothing to do with son and that mom and dad needed to learn how to treat each other nicer. Son agreed. Son said he did not have any more questions. Hm.....So what does all this mean?<p>For me, I learned that even the WS (in their infinite wisdom) also threaten or do the very things they accuse the BSs of doing when they (the WS) feel like they are losing control. <p>So their tactic really isn't much different when they feel they need to fight for their life. Hm.... another thinking moment. So all you BS's out there.... don't beat yourself up for not being the perfect spouse or doing an LB now and again. Try to be as best as you can, on good behavior so to speak, but lest you should falter, don't beat yourself up!!!! <p>Instead, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, admit you may have done an oops/blunder, apologize if you need to and move on...... no need to prolong the wallowing in tears. Some crying is needed (it can be a stress reliever) but too much just makes your eyes stay puffy longer. LOL!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If the WS were in our position, they might be doing the same things. What do you all think of that?<p>JHMO,
L. <p>L.<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Orchid...
I think you're wonderfully wise and I enjoy your 2 cents...<p>And, btw, I agree...my H is now controlling...lovebusting...and threatens with the best of them...<p>For the record...H has always 'threatened' to exterminate me and any lover I might have taken (this was pre-his A)...'course...so did I...it was always death, never divorce...our 'joke' was that we might have to 'cause' it...<p>very poor taste now, eh?<p>Cali

Hey, Orchid- doing much better now. Thank you for being there- I feel so much better just cause of that.<p>Reading Cali's response made me chuckle. One day, I woke up just really p.o.'d, (PMS related, I later determined) and my Mom happened to call. I did some venting with her (she has been an absolute angel to both my hubby and I since I finally confided in her), and we were joking that some days you feel like you've either got to divorce them or kill them. Now, my Mother is one of the truest Christian women on the face of the earth, I think. She sort of paused and said "Well, you know, in a way, I think what he did is a worse sin than murder. I don't recall you standing in a church before God and promising not to kill him." It was the funniest thing I ever heard. Before I knew it, we were both howling. And she's right! I never vowed not to kill him. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Orchid,<p>You are ever so right on this one. Thanks<p>Z

Hi Orchid,
Yeah, that's kinda what happens whenever we judge others, you know, we point that finger and have 3 pointing right back at us. It's only a matter of time before we find ourselves in the same situation acting worse than what we accused the other person of!<p>Best to just pray for others, regardless of who, and try, try, try not to point that finger, not even in our minds... We can LB in our thoughts and even that is dangerous because we somehow convince ourselves that we have not judged because we didn't actually say anything negative. Wrong. God pays close attention to our thought-life.<p>And HEY! Go easy on the 44-year olds, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] heck, the closer I get to 44, the younger it seems! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey Orchid. Sorry to hear you are going through so much turmoil!!<p>I know exactly what you mean. The WS would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. At least in my case it is true. It's unbelievable to hear them get so mad at things the BS are doing, and then when push comes to shove they go and do the same things themselves!!<p>I hope things are calming down where you are. It was wrong of your H to threaten to bring son to OW. It sounds like he was trying to hurt you because he was angry.<p>My H threatened that he was "thinking" of being with yet another women during one of his episodes where he got really upset/mad. That was just very cruel and mean given the EA and EA/PA he has had. He did not mean it, he was just saying it to hurt me because he was mad and knew it would (so I found out later).<p>The same is probably true in your case, but it still hurts. I hope you are doing okay...<p>HbH

Hi, <p>Thanks for your input. It was interesting to watch the WS act like the BS for once!!! LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also wanted to see how others were taking this threatening attitude from the Ws. From reading the posts here, it happens more than we are willing to admit. <p>Looking for more input. Wise or witty thoughts are welcomed!<p>L.

Hey Orchid, that happened to me too.
I left for a weekend, turned out to be only a Saturday as I called to talk to son and tell him I was alreight. H intercepted and convinced me to let him meet me. He said he was scared for me that something might "happen" to me.
(Like I'd get dumped in the river or whatever. I felt like jumping in the river actually, but really just wanted to get away and process my thoughts without having to deal with any Kids, or WS at the time.
Figured out he was really controlling. Can't figure out why he was so "concerned". Turns out he thougth I was going to go for an "A" of somekind. Not hardly. "Tain't worth it, in my opinion. One man is difficult enough to deal with in my life.
Know what? he wouldn't sleep with ME last night. Why? Said I snored and woke him up. (This is what I have been dealing with --his snoring for the last 17 or so years....now he is doing exactly what he said partially caused him to have an A. WS justify their actions, but BS aren't supposed to. Well, I was so tired I thought it didn't matter, but it has bothered me all night.
I wish I could get away for just about 3 days alone!!!! He won't let that happen, he's too paranoid. Yet he will be going downstate for how long on a job? Life isn't fair. Oh well.
Mikkey

Hi Orchid, I have had some of the same actions from my H. Seems we all LB at one time or another. Our hair sticks up and words fly. The WS wants us to cater to them 100%, but they can LB us and seems to be little resentment on their part. <p>Would be nice if the WS was given a hypnosis treatment, producing OW as the evil one, creating eyes of love towards the BS, and etc. Guess just fantasizing about needs of the BS.<p>Things are not going good for us. Seems you two are working on communicating nicely towards each other. We have fallen in a deep rut of communicating improperly. H is to counsel with Steve these 3 weeks while Jennifer is gone. We will see what happens. <p>I will pray for you as always, and for your little guy. He probably will ask you more questions later. This is a lot for a young child to comprehend at one time. Give him time to think and to ask questions. They might beable to get over it rather quickly, and then not. Be as positive towards your son as you can. He needs you Orchid for stability and to know he has someone that loves him. <p>Keep in touch, will talk to you later, H is here for a change wanting to talk.

It seems to me that the difference is that when we, the BS, are percieved as making a threat or being controlling (when usually we are not, it's just taken that way) it gives the WS more fuel for their addle brained, fogged in, alien abducted minds to justify any future or past action. They can say, see she's doing it again, she can't change. I was right to try and leave this M.<p>However when they are being controlling and manipulative, or just mean, we are supposed to understand that they are "just in a bad place right now". AAAAAGGHH!!!!! Calgon take me away!

Ok, so let's add the latest twist. While we were driving, I asked H if he remembered about the time he wanted to buy OW's Jeep. <p>His reaction was: 'What? I don't like Jeeps. Why would I want to buy it, it was repossessed."
I calmly said, yes I know that but you did talk about buying it to help her out. <p>H said: "you must be talking about another man". <p>BINGO!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I replied, you are probably right. <p>Is this selective memory loss? Is it genuine? He sure made it seem like it. He tried hard to recall and kept saying, I can't believe I could say something like that. <p>Ouch, I bit my tongue but I didn't LB!<p>L<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Hi Orchid. Boy the WS's just never cease to amaze me. I just don't get them. Guess I never will. Hope things get better for you and H. Not to much to add just wanted to let you know I read your post and that as always you are in my prayers.
C

Orchid,
You are so right! I&#8217;ve been giving this a great deal of thought of late. I&#8217;ve read many things here that have helped me deal with some of the crap I get shoveled at me some days. Someone here said &#8220;change the you to I when the WS is ranting at you and you&#8217;re probably closer to the truth&#8221;. I&#8217;ve done that constantly of late and the results are quite humorous. I suppose I find humor where I can these days&#8230;<p> In reflecting on WS LBs, I think in many respects we empower them. They know we&#8217;re here, they know how much we love them, they know we&#8217;ll deal with their junk. They also don&#8217;t particularly care what we feel. So while we agonize over every misinterpreted word, they continue to commit the ultimate LB and continue their A&#8217;s with impunity. In that respect, indifference (even if it&#8217;s only in their minds) can be very empowering. I know there&#8217;s many days that a bit of indifference (and the freedom that it allows from guilt and fear) would be very therapeutic for me!!!<p> Since indifference is a state I&#8217;m not likely to attain anytime soon, I&#8217;ve taken a small measure of pleasure in playing little games. I hate the games, I always have! Emotionally, I&#8217;m a very simple person. I can&#8217;t hide my feelings; they&#8217;re all too evident by looking at my face. I&#8217;ve never been good at the games. I say what I feel directly and (unfortunately) sometimes bluntly with no innuendo and no subtle hints. So, lately I&#8217;ve started not being such an open book. I come home from work late with no calls and no explanations. As cruel as it feels, I think maybe her wondering if I was in an accident or at least wondering where I&#8217;ve been isn&#8217;t a bad thing. The subtle third degree I get most times I&#8217;m unaccounted for is ironic coming from WS. The hypocrisy is mind boggleing sometimes. She&#8217;s even had the audacity to say that if I had an A, we&#8217;d be finished!!!! <p> It&#8217;s probably not in keeping with MB principles but I do find that these &#8220;microscopic plan B&#8217;s&#8221; helps me get through some days and it&#8217;s not a huge LB. Perhaps a little empowerment isn&#8217;t a bad thing.<p>Paul