Rodger,<p>I was first a BS and then a WS - so, I've been both sides of an A. That doesn't mean I know what I'm talking about [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] but I'll give this a shot.<p>Looking back, it would have helped me to view my wifes affair as a symptom of what was going on in her, where she was in her life, what her expectations were, what her needs were and where her relative values were at that time. As our communication channels were impaired and we weren't discussing these issues how could I have known what she was feeling and thinking?<p>And, as all of this is not a constant in life anyway, we're learning to cope with continual change in our relationship and therefore it is critical that we need to be communicating all the time. It doesn't stop.<p>So, back to your question of how to look at the situation? don't try to analyse it too deeply, don't try to rationalise it, don't try to find any logic in the situation - because this is the information that helps the BS judge and argue with your spouse and it hurts like hell. It also contributes to the BSs fog.<p>The key for the BS is to say, it's not ok that it happend, but it did. Now how do I move on? Am I moving on alone or are you (the WS) with me? And this might take time to answer because it requires the WS to come out of their own fog. If it's together then we need to agree some acceptable boundaries in our relationship and therefore our behaviour, etc, etc. In other words, deal with the WS with respect and avoid any controlling behaviour - because this demonstrates the BSs nobility, maturity and stature.<p>Basically, just like Harley suggest, don't focus on the affair - it doesn't help anybody. <p>take care,<p>- Freddy<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>
