I'm feeling such pain. Does it come and go in waves, or what? My H is unapproachable at this time. I really have worked so hard at Plan A. I have given it my all to this point. I feel like I have completely sacrificed my feelings to the point of actual physical pain, and now that my H is back home again, I feel as if he thinks it's all over; it's like to look at him, he didn't just spend the last 7-8 months lying to me, sleeping with someone else, betraying me over and over. I don't know what to do with these feelings. They always seem to come out wrong when I want to express myself to him. I haven't said boo about OW in over a week. My H skips merrily through his days. Whenever I've brought anything up in recent weeks, he says "well, if you really don't think you can get over this, maybe we shouldn't keep trying." Who's trying? He's not trying anything. Sorry, I'm just feeling soooooooooooooo sad. What was it all for? If I don't feel secure in his love for me, what's it all been for? I've made such wonderful changes in me, but what about him? He's not concerned with NEEDS, unless they involve what he wants.....<p>Sorry, just want a shoulder to cry on and the one person I should be able to go to has turned a cold shoulder to me.... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Myownme:
<strong> I've made such wonderful changes in me, but what about him? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>You cannot control what he does. Always remember that. You are being a great influence because of the changes you have accomplished. That's what you should focus on right now. Changing YOU is one of THE most important factors in an excellent plan A.<p>A very common pattern that I see on this board, is the WS's withdrawing more from the BS's when there is no justification for their actions. Perhaps they can't take the guilt of it? Who knows!? <p>I am sorry for the pain you are in right now. But yes, your H's actions will come up and down in 'waves' as you say.... like a 'roller coaster' as is also said (but you know that term already... grin).<p>You'll be fine. I hope you feel better for sharing with us. We're here for you, as always.<p>Karen

Thanks Karen,
Just my day for a pity party I guess. What's hard is when he says "what if I'm unwilling or unable to change anything? Didn't you marry me this way?" UUGGHH!

Don't say it to him, but remind yourself that the person he is today, is NOT the person you married. You know that. Keeping patient with his 'new him' is the hard part.<p>In time (as you know that 'time' varies for everyone), YOU can decide whether or not his changes, or lack thereof are things that YOU want. <p>You're forgetting just how much control you still have in this whole situation. Stay strong when you need to. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

See, that's why I love this place! When I forget about things (like control), I can be reminded of those things here. I know that this isn't all for nothing!! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi M.O.M.!!!<p>I just read in one of your other posts that you just found out contact with OW continues. Do you think that may be why you are so upset?<p>I would be, anyway... I am surprised that your H is still at home given that he contacted OW. What did I miss while I was away???<p>Anyway, I want you to know that I do relate to those feelings. Very often I wonder why I go through this, is it worth it, will it ever be better? Then I look at my kids, I think about the good times with my H, and just know I need to try...<p>I think if you really go back and think about it, you can find some instances/examples that would go against some of the statements you made in your earlier email. It's not ALWAYS so bad, is it? Any good times at all? <p>That's what you need to be focusing on. Just look ahead. Try to find the good in what your H is doing.<p>It sounds like your H is still pretty deep in the fog. Believe me, it will all be worth the effort when you see him start to come out and he starts to come to grips with reality. Contact with OW is going to delay this though, just keep that in mind. <p>Good luck, M.O.M., hope things get better for you this week.<p>HbH

HBH,
Missed you! Contact stopped on 10/2 (as far as I know). My H stayed at his sister's house until last Friday. He'd been living there since 9/22. As far as I can tell, he's through the fog. The problem now is that he doesn't want to think about changing his behaviors which were part of the beginning of the breakdown of our marriage. <p>MOM

Hi MOM. Let your counselor worry about that. It means NOTHING, NOTHING when you say it. A 3rd party has to do it or you'll be spinning your wheels. Bite your tongue. You worry about yourself and what you can do.<p>I guess I misread the part about him contacting OW again... Glad to hear you have been OW-free for almost a month now.<p>I hear what you're saying. Such is my life sometimes. <p>I don't know at what point you throw in the towel. I think as long as you are seeing some improvement, even if it is slow-going, you just have to stick with it and vent here (like you did). I deal with this on a regular basis. Alot of the stuff you posted goes through my head regularly. What I try to do is to think about the good stuff my H has said, and the things he is doing to try and fix stuff.<p>It does help, although I still feel so drained.<p>I think your H is still in the fog, but perhaps not regarding OW, but regarding his attitude/life. I hope counseling will help him realize his mistakes so that he will start working more with you to better your marriage.<p>Stick with it and make sure and try to see the good in what your H is doing. If you always see the bad, then he truly will never get anywhere and he will not be driven to do more. <p><<<hugs>>>
HbH