My husband has been in an affair with another woman since last year. He told me the truth in this January. Since then, he has been encouraging me to talk to OW and set up some friendship between us. He asked OW to do the same thing. I hate the OW so much and don't want to talk to her at all. My husband usually got very mad at me because of this. I feel I has been haunted by this issue. I got to know MB principles in late September and I am on Plan A right now. OW has been calling or sending me email to show her kindness to me and my kids. She has a hiding agenda in every message sent to me: she is my husband's future wife, which I am feeling so hurt.
I don't know how to deal with her. <p> My husband stands between us. In late Sepetember, we had a big arguement that I wanted a peaceful home to take care of my children. If he couldn't give it to me, he had better to leave. Since then, he is emotionally more close to OW and he gave OW some positive promise to her future. He told me we still couldn't work out our marriage. His positive promise to OW let OW feel very confident to talk to me. At the same time, my husband still wants me to talk to her as much as possible. He said I was making mistakes if I couldn't get along with her. <p> I hate her so much. Should I control my own feeling and talk to her nicely as asked by my husband? <p> Please help. I am so confused.

Wow, I am so sorry your H is putting you in this position. Please get and read IMMEDIATELY, James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." What your H is asking of you is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I can't think of ANY instance where you having any kind of relationship with the OW would be beneficial. Man, I cannot BELIEVE you H thinks this would be good for you. I'm sorry, you just caught me at a loss. Please read what you can in the newcomer's thread and know that we are here for you. I am sitting here just NOT BELIEVING what I've read. My prayers go out to you.<p>MOM

To have contact with OW will give her POWER and a feeling of having control and the upper hand. That's all yours as long as you are still married and you don't acknowledge her existence. Don't give her an ounce of satisfaction by knowing you even THINK of her, mush less speak to her. Expend your energy on making you a better you. Your H is nuts!

May I ask police to stop OW's contact with me? Can I file any charge against her?

Yes -- get a restraining order.<p>And why is he still living at home with you if he's still seeing her, and making some very serious promises?<p>Protect yourself. She does not belong in your life. You do NOT have to talk to her (what a puke your H is to ask!)

It is absolutely ridiculous for your H to think you should be friends with OW. Keep your hate for her to yourself though, or at least share and vent with this forum. Just let your H know, you do not even want to talk ABOUT her never mind TO her.<p>You've asked him to leave - but why hasn't he? Of course he feels he can't work out your marriage? How can he possibly work out your marriage if he's still in contact with OW? ohhhhhh, argggggggg - this makes me mad!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are NOT a doormat. You do not have to withstand the indignity and hurt of having a friendship with the very person who causes you the most pain in your life.<p>Your H is being completely unreasonable and is in incredibly thick fog.<p>Y

Lexxxy: Could you please tell me more details about how to get a retaining order? <p>Thanks.

Lexxxy: Could you please tell me more details about how to get a retaining order? <p>Thanks.

I've never personally done it -- but many here have. I think you have to go to court to get one.<p>Question for you -- what kind of contact have you had with her up to this point? Has she been calling you? Do you talk with her? How often?
Can you tell us more?

Our H's must be alien twins from another planet!<p>I got suckered into this same trap. Today I can't believe that I believed for even a moment that I should be friends with OW. I don't know where my brain was when that happened. I have since come to realize that this was lunacy. I am getting stronger and was finally able to tell my H that I would not be friends with a person who continues to hurt me.<p>I actually met her face to face. The meeting didn't go very well, as can be expected. We never talked about the fact that she is trying to steal my H. We were just supposed to get acquainted. After all, H tells me that she is a very nice person and that we would really like each other. OW has a great act going where she tells my H that she really cares about me and my happiness. She is very good and can keep up the act. I can't, so I came out looking bad. I was told that I didn't try hard enough to be warm and friendly to her and that I was rude to her and didn't make enough conversation.<p>You don't have to deal with her. You don't have to have anything to do with OW. Being her friend will get you nowhere. It will just set you up for more hurt. Don't reply to her e-mails. You may be able to set up your e-mail to block her messages, or you can at least delete them without reading them.

She called me several times before July, trying to scare me away from my husband. She called more often recently and I got a caller ID so I didn't pick up the phone. She emailed me quite often recently. Her email is ruining my feeling to my husband since she always put her name and my husband's name together. I complained to my husband and he said why not just forgive her. I know since I am on Plan A, I am not going to seek any fairness from this, just uncontional love.<p>"My asking him to leave in Sepetember" pushed him emotionally closer to her. To him, it is a big love buster. He told me he once decided not to come back any more because of this. But he still came back. I am feeling very bad about it. I wish I had not done it.<p>My husband has been swinging between me and her. We have two wonderful children. I neglected his feelings while I was having my two children and his affair started after our second child was born. He has been feeling very guilty to break up this family. He wants to be in my life no matter what is going to happen. At the same time, he also feels resposibility to OW. OW knows that in order to get him, she has to be nice not only to my childen but also to me. This is just what she is doing. If I am not nice to her, I just push my husband to her. Here is some arguement used by my husband: If you let her realize how much pain she caused to this family, she may leave herself. He has no courage to break up this family or break up with her.<p> If I get the restraining order, I am afraid it may be a love buster. How to deal with it without hurting my relationship with H?<p> Yes. I need to spend time with my children and get myself better instead of dealing with those emails/calls.

Silverrose: Not just our H are twins. The OWs are also twins. My H's OW told me exactly the same thing as your H's.

Why in the world would you even CONSIDER doing something so demeaning and harmful to your family? It would be dead wrong for you to do such a thing. To ask you, in effect, to condone his immoral relationship via a "friendship" with a woman, whose goal it is to destroy your family, is nothing short of evil. <p>Plan A does not mean you comply with immoral or illegal or just plain stupid acts at the behest of the WS. What if he asked you to be a prostitute? Would you do that too? You have a responsibility to take care of yourself and your kids and protect yourself against people like this. It is your RESPONSIBILITY. What are you doing to set boundaries to protect yourself and your children?<p>And as long as your husband is still in contact with the OW your marriage is not in recovery and you are wasting your time. You need to do something immediately about his continued contact.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ontrack:
<strong>Her email is ruining my feeling to my husband since she always put her name and my husband's name together. I complained to my husband and he said why not just forgive her. I know since I am on Plan A, I am not going to seek any fairness from this, just uncontional love.<p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>gee willikers, maybe she could just move in! That would be "unconditional" love!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ontrack:
<strong>She called me several times before July, trying to scare me away from my husband. She called more often recently and I got a caller ID so I didn't pick up the phone. She emailed me quite often recently. Her email is ruining my feeling to my husband since she always put her name and my husband's name together. I complained to my husband and he said why not just forgive her. I know since I am on Plan A, I am not going to seek any fairness from this, just uncontional love.<p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I am just curious how it is "unconditional love" to condone someone's destructive behavior. Isn't that HATE? Further, how can you "forgive" someone who is not only NOT sorry but who doesn't want or need your forgiveness? Or even believe she is doing anything wrong? It is not an act of "love," by any stretch of the imagination, to sit by haplessly and let evil prevail. And that is what you are doing. At the expense of you and your children.

I can almost top that. My husband has also felt no regret in bringing his girlfriend around my kids. <p>He wrote last week that though we have to sell our retirement home to pay the bills, he is willing to purchase a home on Lake of the Ozarks and will share it with me and his OW. He said we would have to determine who would get to use it when. RIGHT!!! What a total jerk. He really is in the FOG. I am sick over his behavior!!

Hi, <p>Restraining orders vary by city or county. Call your local police office, they will direct you to the rules and office that sends these out. In my area, there are requirements for restraining orders. <p>1. Needs to be documented (messages are legal to record in my area).
2. Log kept of incidents.
3. Witnesses lined up if needed.
4. Will require a court appearance. <p>The officer told me that I needed to have enough to make sure it sticks. Just because she called me without threatening bodily harm would make me look like a wimp if I sent one out against her now. Also restraining orders in this area for other people could only be from the one that had s3x with her (that's not me), I could file harrassment charges. <p>So check out your local law enforcement codes. Use them properly. OWs have a way with manipulating a lot of things not just WSs. <p>Be careful.<p>L.

Hi OnTrack,<p>I have filed a AHO (Anti-Harrassment Order) on my H's OW. A restraining order is somewhat similar, but an AHO is more severe in it's punishment if violated. And with an AHO, you have to prove (hard evidence)a repetitive harassment behavior performed by the defendent (OW).<p>I would think you'd go thru the same steps and process for both.<p>My SIL told me how to do this:<p>Go to the County City Building, make sure and have the all evidence with you. When describing the saga, make sure you state you felt this is affecting you emotionally and is affecting your work, family .....etc. Then they will tell you if it is granted soon after. Then someone serves it to her, you can pay to have a court officer drive to her house and serve it to her (element of surprise). Sometimes it takes up to two weeks to be served. A worker guides you thru the whole process, it doesn't take very long. After that, every time she contacts you she is subject to a big fine and possible arrest and jail time. Most restraining orders are good for 1 year. Some, if severe enough, can be indefinite.<p>Hope this helps you.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Been there, won't deal w/OW again. <p>Wow, it is amazing to me the incredible rationalizations that are taking place here. Like one of our friends said earlier, consult Dr. Dobson in book, "Love Must Be Tough". My counselor reccomends it too. However, she did not go along w/the ultimatum part. MB doesn't do that, until plan b. Anyway, what has worked for me is to get out of their game. Tell you H that you need time away from all of this to think and that your children do not need to be exposed to her now. Say, I'm not getting involved in your A anymore. No contact W/ OW. After I uncovered emails from my H's OW to him, I emailed her a long letter. I told her how I was actually praying for her (still am, but not responsible for her soul or her sins). She was so taken aback by that, she phoned me the next day. She cried and asked my forgiveness and said she would do her best not to ever see him anymore and asked for a referral to a counselor (she is from my hometown). I even tried to lead her to the Lord. What became of that? She slept with my H less than 5 days later. I also told her to come to MB online to learn firsthand of the damage she has inflicted. Who knows, the W**re may be lurking here now. I am in no ways a saint, I have and am working on the issues leading to our stress in our M and also working on me. Tough time growing up. But hey, we all have our sob stories. Anyway, get out of their game.<p>Your children are too precious to be harmed for life by being exposed to this vicious woman. She is and will not ever be a "friend" to any child. Your children are innocent victims of a woman who, above all, loves herself. If she truly loved your H, she would want what is really best for him--an intact family. She would step back, assess the damage, and realize this is why God has made this sin one of His top 10 and one of the most painful to deal with. If she had a grain of decency after these multiple confrontations w/you, then she would have backed off. No, she is selfish and if she ever became their stepmom, who do you think she would put first? Do you think she has even considered the pain of your kids (not to mention to you)? She is poison. They probably talk about you between the 2 of them. That's what my H's OW told me they did. She knew so much about me it made me madder than mad. That my personal secrets given to such a harlot. Take away her ammo. Let her use it against herself. Verse in Proverbs 11 says the wicked will bring about their own undoing through their own wickedness. Don't give them anything to talk about. Keep showing unconditional love to your H. Keep totally away from OW. Do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Nothing good can come from their A.<p>Take away the ammo totally. IF you're not playing her game, she's going to wonder what's up. Trust me, they are insecure (even more than we are) and will be the cause of their own undoing. Show some raw courage--you can do it. I told OW that there would be only one other way I would deal w/her--in court. Get your restraint order. You don't have to justify or explain to anyone. Don't argue w/H, just let him know that you love him, are giving him his space, but won't be involved in any way in their A and your children won't be involved either. Leave it that way. Sometimes is hard to do that. Like tonight when I feel like I give so much love, try to show it and get no love back at all. He's been gone since August and miss him so much. <p>I will pray for you. You know what the right thing to do is. Take a deep breath, go buy that book, see a counselor, get strong (your kids depend on you, now) and do some serious prayer. Be strong knowing that we're praying for you out here in this electric city. Get powerful in your love for your family. You can do this. I know you can. Some days will be tough, but it is worth it. What price would you place on a family? Keep fighting the good fight and we, the prayer warriors, will stay vigilent and burn our candles praying for you too. <p>God Bless You.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done everything, to stand."

I am speechless. Almost.<p>Is there some reason why you are not in Plan B? Your H is able to have his cake and eat it too.<p>I would avoid OW like the plague. If you are feelings harassed by her, get a restraining order.<p>I am to the point of having OW calls traced as I think it is her that is calling and hanging up at all hours of the day and night but I need hard proof from SW Bell. H is no longer in contact with OW as far as I know but all of the hang-ups make me wonder.<p>You need to follow through with your statement about your need for a peaceful home. He's not giving it to you with continued contact with OW. Maybe he better leave. <p>I think it's time for Plan B and the sooner the better.<p>
Bluebird