So, my H (WS) moved out last Sat. It is 1 month since D-Day. He promises me the A is over he says they ended it about two weeks before I found out, I choose to believe him. He promised me that if any contact was made or anything started up between them again he would tell me, I choose to believe him.<p>He did not leave until the evening on Sat. He wanted to spend time w/our 4yo who was sick and could'nt go out. He called me Sat night after son was in bed to see how I was doing and tell me how confused he is and is not sure of what he is doing. <p>He then spent most of Sun here w/our son. I made myself scarce as I really believe they need to spend time together. (He is a wonderfull father and I know he loves our son more than anything.) He called me again Sun night, I had given him a couple of posts I had printed from this sight and he had read them and again, wanted to tell me that he is confused and does'nt really know what he is doing. <p>Monday he called during the day, just to check on our son, still home sick..<p>Tues he called and asked if he could come over to visit S for a little while, I said yes and he spent about an hour with him and then asked me out to dinner this weekend. OK, I was really surprised. I knew we would need to get together and talk again but I really did not think it would be this soon. I told him that if he wanted to get together and talk about making this seperation more permanent that I could not handle it right now. He said no, he just thinks we should talk. So, what was the point in him leaving? He is also coming over tonight to take our son trick or treating.<p>I am so confused, we talk more now than we did when he lived here. If he had asked me out to dinner any time in the last year, and wanted to talk, none of this may have happend. <p>Is it at all possible that the fog is lifting, I am not getting my hopes up. I am in counceling, but he wont go right now, he says it's the money, with paying rent we can't afford it. I guess I will go to dinner with him this weekend and try and figure out what he is thinking. I am just so confused by his actions, he leaves me and then pays more attention to me than he has in over a year.<p>Just my update. Thanks

needing,
I wanted to make sure that someone responded to you. If you can not look at what should have been, if you can talk to him with out pressure, this might be a nice date.<p>Remember one thing. The Ws needs to be mad at you.This is how they can justify what they are doing. So when you feel like you want to "strangle him", excuse yourself, compose yourself, remind yourself that he "needs to be mad at you". He needs for you to be responsible for HIS behaivor. Don't give into it.<p>If it is possible, have a nice dinner.

Hi Needing.<p>Good to see your handling this as well as can be expected. As to why your WH is wanting to spend more time with you...that is probably because some of the tension is off and separation creates a need to see and talk to you. <p>The "date" for this weekend could be a good starting point to start over in your marriage...learning to know each other again...absent the pressures of being together 27-7...maybe you WH just truly needs some time to get his act together (so to speak). The feelings that have led to the affair (whether its over or not) apparently are still there...and he is attempting to deal with them in his own way.<p>I'm encouraged by the fact that he is not excluding you and your son from his life right now...this leads me to believe you are right about his being confused and not knowing what he wants. <p>You are doing the right thing in giving him the distance he wants and needs right now.
Your attitude about this whole thing could have a big influence in how it is resolved. Believe that you and WH "can" work it out...because for a while you may be the only one who has that conviction.<p>Believing and pressing are two different matter...and you have to walk a thin line between the two. That's why concentrating on yourself right now is best....it both allows you to work on discovering what you can do to correct the mistakes you have made in the marriage and also allows him the freedom to realize his own mistakes. <p>The unfortunate thing about most of us is that we don't change until we absolutely have to...and sometimes it takes a real awakening (like an affair) to make us realize we have to change or risk losing what we have. Keep in mind that separation is a learning process too...for both of you...take the time to learn its lessons. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hope this "date" goes well. I'll be interested to see where he is heading in this relationship....and maybe you will get a clearer picture of what he is feeling. Have low expectations, though, to protect yourself and realize that everything he says during this time may be coming from someone deep in the fog.<p>Faye<p>[ November 01, 2001: Message edited by: buffy ]</p>

Boy are you both right, it is a very fine line and he is mad at me. See my newer post "this sucks". I am starting to think that I may have to go to Plan B. He admitted to me last night that he still has "feelings" for her and I know he see's her every day at work. I don't see how there can be any real healing for me as long as I know this. Especially after the situation last night. I am sure I did not handle it as well as I could have, but I also don't know how much better I can be when I am really so angry. I am going to wait and see what happens this weekend, I have a counceling appt on Tues. By then I guess I will make uo my mind. We just seem to talk in circles whenever we do try and discuss our relationship, so I think we need to stop discussing it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>so I think we need to stop discussing it. <hr></blockquote><p>YOU GOT IT!!<p>Exactly, absolutely...STOPIT.<p>No more confrontations with him or her.<p>You know the affair happened (and may still be going on) and you know there is daily contact.<p>Stop talking about it, hold your head high, and be the best person you can be - for you, not for him. Get on with your life, don't make decisions based on what he thinks, or what he is doing, or what he'll do, etc. Just start living. <p>When and if he's ready, he'll come to you and ask what does he have to do, and what do you need for reconciliation.<p>THAT's when you talk, not before.<p>Anything else is simply justification in his mind for his behavior, and harmful and torturous to you.

Bramble,<p>You are so right. He does seem to use my actions as a justification for his. He even says HE cant trust ME right now. And I am sick and tired of his actions and moods directly affecting my feelings and how well I am able to cope on a day to day basis. He asked me out to dinner, I felt great, had a good day. Then he is angry with me for confronting her and I am thrown back into a tailspin of self doubt and tears. I am sick of it. If he still wants to go out this weekend I will, but I will absolutly refuse to discuss anything to do with the A, or anything else unpleasant for that matter. I just hope we still have something else we can talk about.

Dear needing,
1 month since d-day. Do you know how long the A has been going on? Your H lived at home until last week? When you are the BS, 1 day can seem like a month, I know. The problem is that for most of us, it's been MONTHS. I'm truly not trying to scare you, just to let you know that truly you are at the beginning of what may be an incredibly long road. For me, my H had already left home and been gone about 6 weeks (he left under the guise that he was giving us space to start over) when I discovered he had really left home to pursue a new relationship. I could hardly BREATHE for the first month, let alone think about any of it. My first advice would be for you to take care of yourself. Understand that it has happened, there's nothing you can do to change that fact. Don't make ANY decisions hastily that you could later regret. I know the first compulsion was to confront the OW. I did that a couple of times in person, and a couple of times on the phone. THERE WAS NO SATISFACTION IN IT FOR ME. In my case, the OW had been convinced that her and my H were soulmates, so she lied EVERY BIT AS MUCH as my H did throughout all of it. Please, do not, under any circumstances, contact her again. It will only lead to more heartache for you from HER and your H. Please get some help from a counselor, get on anti-depressants, take long walks, listen to Christian music (THIS HAS BEEN MY SAVING GRACE). Understand and expect that if you choose to try to recover your marriage, this could take A VERY LONG TIME. After 8 months of my Plan A'ing and not seeing true commitment from my H, I am feeling SOOO tired. All of us here understand the pain, the anger, resentment, need to "fix" it now. It's just not that simple, unless your decision is to divorce and move on. That's the first (and toughest) decision you need to make for yourself. Sorry to be rambling. I saw your other thread and chose to reply to it on this one. We are here for you. The MB principles will help you even if your marriage does not survive. I have gained such inner strength from trying to be the BEST me I can be. Whether my H EVER decides to fully commit or not, I'm a better person. You will be too. Peace and prayers to you....<p>MOM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

The A lasted about 6 months, PA anyway. I am sure the EA started awhile before. He says it has been over for 6 weeks and yes he lived here until last Sat and is still here alot.<p>Yes I do want to fix it now. I want him to tell me he wants to come home and I want him to beg me to forgive him. I know thats not going to happen.<p>Actually, I really enjoyed confronting the OW. It felt good to tell her to stay away from my H or I would tell hers. She needed a little fear of god. I have absolutly no desire to see or talk to her again.<p>What upsets me now is that my H is more concerned with the fact that she is acting "uncomfortable" around the office(so maybe she'll quit, hopefull thinking)and does not seem so concerned with the incredible insecurity, humiliation, self doubt, pure anger feelings that I have. I am seeing a good councellor and am trying to work on these things. Only three sessions so far. Thanks for the support. I am really not having a good day.

Just a quick ponder here. I've read repeatedly on this site (maybe even outside the forum) that the OP spouse SHOULD be told about the A.<p>I know that this needs to be done carefully, and with much forethought and guidance. I wonder, would it make sense for a "friend" (here on this board) would be a good way to accomplish that. There are NO links to the BS and it could maybe even be passed off as an anonymous tip. Of course the caller would have to use the (I believe) *67 option to disable caller id, but that costs what, $.75?<p>HMMMMM.<p>Kev

On the subject of not bringing up the A anymore, until we have mutually decided to try and reconcile our M. <p>He told me last night that I have become very unatractive to him especially since I have found out about the A. <p>Is it acceptable to tell him that I understand. I have become a needy, emotional and at times pushy (about trying to reconcile) person (not to mention the mood swings). I now recognise this and understand that these are not attractive qualities. My goal for the near future is to work on myself and to change these things about myself. Can I tell him that until I feel like I am in a better place I don't want to work on "us". That we both need to work on ourselves first. Then maybe, at some point down the road we can look at "us" again. Or is this line of conversation going to be considered controlling and manipulative. Both are qualities he is stating I have at this time, I don't see it.<p>Any input would be helpfull.

Input please, my hand is reaching for the phone and I don't want to make another mistake. things are just to fragile.<p>Thanks

needing,
Whether you TELL him that you don't want to work on the Marriage right now, isn't as important as that you just DON'T ask, quiz, badger, suggest, hint, write about it.
The important thing is that you work on YOU. You don't have to tell him any of this, JUST DO IT. OK?
Please read all, that's ALL the material on this sight. Go over to "just found out" and read the links found in the Welcome. I'll bump it up for you.
You are at the right place, you will get the best of the best from here.
You will, if you are up to the challenge, grow like you won't believe.
In the mean time, while you are posting, reading and learning. Be pleasant, and keep your anger in the closit. This does not mean that you role over and play dead. This does not mean that what he has done is in any way remotely OK. It just means that time is on your side. Give yourself time to experience the steep learning curve that is here for you. Give yourself time to get stronger.
You don't, that's DON'T have to settle ANYTHING right now. Learn and understand for non.
I'm wishing you the best.
I'm on my way to "just found out". Follow

Thanks everyone for helping me get through a difficult day. <p>I did call my H and explained to him that I cannot go thru any more scenes like last night. That they were not good for either of us. I suggested a 2 month time frame where we just work on ourselves and then decide if we are ready to re-visit the subject of us. <p>I told him that I did not like the needy, pushy, overly emotional person I now see that I have been. I have been acting like he OWES me a reconciliation that he is not prepared for. I understand now that it does not work this way. He needs to get his own emotions/feelings into perspective before he can help me heal from this mess.<p>I told him that I need to step back from all of this and just work on me, and that he needs to take the time to do the same thing. And miracle of miracles, he said "in that case I will start going to counceling". WOW, I was not expecting this. I told him that I was not trying to push him into something he is not ready for, but he really seems to want to go now. (God really does answer prayer)<p>Anyway, our son is home sick again today and H has a nasty cold now too, but he wanted to come by after work and check on son, I said OK and asked him if he would like to have dinner. He is somewhat hesitant but I know the thought of a home cooked meal is pretty tempting to him. I explained, no strings, just a meal with your son. So maybe we can have a pleasant evening. No crying, no moping, no trying to prompt a reaction. Or hoping for the sudden fog lift miracle we all pray for.<p>I did order Surviving After the Affair.<p>For now I need to try and stay away from these boards for a while, I am not getting any work done. I work from home, and need to make some money to pay for all the counceling that is going to be going on. Oh, I will be checking in and lurking, but I am spending WAY to much time here. It was worth it today though. Thanks to everyone and you are truly all in my heart. We are all going through such a painfull messy awfull time in our lives. I will pray for you and think of you every day.

Hi Neeeding. I felt like I had to respond to you b/c you are like many of us in for the ride of your life. It will be okay Hon. You will have ups and downs. My H left 7mos ago and just returned home this week. Like you we did more together and with the kids then when he lived here. Give him his time and take it slow. Plan A and let him see all those good qualities that attracted him to you in the first place. I too was emotional, needy, nagged, argued LB'd all over the place you know when things changed? When I stopped doing all those things. My H is back home now but I know now is when the true test begins. I am glad to hear that you are in counseling. Be patient, keep praying and keep posting. You will find alot of really good advice from some really good people here at MB. Take care.
Hugs to you,
C

Needing:<p>Your gettng such good advise. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just wanted to add that I cannot advise you strong enough not to have any more relationship talks with WH. It's always said here to listen to what the WH has to say...that often times there is truth in it....perhaps colored truth...but truth just the same. And right now their feelings are what is important...although you are hurting deeply you cannot expect to get much sympathy from them...they are too wrapped up in themselves right now.<p>I know you feel at times like shaking him til his teeth rattle...or at least until you can shake some sense into his head. But instead you try to probe him to find out where he stands...and that usually ends in futility and frustration or with you getting your feelings hurt more. So stick with your plan...it's a good one.

Relax and try to get some work done...it will help to concentrate on something else too.<p>Faye