My wife and I have been physically seperated for about three weeks now. She decided that she felt the need for some "space". Well it turned out that she was seeing someone from her work and that she wanted to move out to make her relationship with him easier. <p>She told me about a month before she moved out what was seriously bothering her in our marriage, and that I needed to work on those things. Well I made an immediate change and strived to make her happy to no avail. The reasons that she gave me were just the minor things, and not the main reasons.<p>I did a self-assesment and realized what it was that she had been craving for so long emotionally but failed to comminucate effectively. I was very defensive, jealous, tempermental, and would generally overreact with most things. On top of that we would verbally abuse each other and attack each others pride constantly.<p>I have told her that I realized what went wrong in our relationship, and that I was sorry for the way I had acted in the past. Since she moved out I have been extra kind with her and have only been in 1 major argument in 3 weeks (which she forgave me for). She was just recently in the hospital for a muscle spasm in her neck, and I was there for her. I was by her side for three days straight helping her and taking care of her (Hoping that it made some MAJOR deposits in her love bank). But she made me leave every night so her boyfriend could stay with her [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . I figured that it would've been a good way to actually show her that I care for her and love her very much.<p>The only thing now is that I feel that it is too late for any kind of recconciliation. She is with this man EVERY night and slipped one night in conversation that she loves him. I wan't to TRY and talk with her for the magic 15 hours a week, but it just isn't possible. Whenever I try to make plans with her she won't commit and wants to see what her boyfriend is doing that day.<p>We have been married just over 2 years, and have a daughter of 18 months. I want to try absolutley everything to make our marriage work. The unfortunate thing is that this point in time, she doesn't. Tonight we are going to take our daughter to visit our parents for Halloween. I cherish the little time that I do get to spend with my wife, and hope that we will be together for many years to come.<p>Can somebody give me some kind of advise?

Sorry Mermitt -- its a hard place to be in.<p>You and your wife have a big disconnect right now. You may want to be everything to her and meet all of her needs, but its up to her whether or not she will let you.<p>And it sounds like right now she's not willing. And no matter how much you want it, you can't make her want it.<p>So relax, read, study, and make a plan for yourself. Work on understanding how you can be the best husband for her, and show her every chance you get. Understand that you can't force anything.<p>Good luck!

I just want to post a follow-up on our night together last night. We ended spending about 4 hours with each other. I was able to get into deep conversation with her and really explained to her the kind of pain that I had been put through. I had told her that I would rather have my arms ripped off then suffer through the pain and emotional distraught that only an affair can bring. Then I said I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy and hope that you NEVER have to to experience it.<p>When she was younger she had a boyfried of 3 years who cheated on her. I asked her how it made her feel? She told me that it was a horrible feeling. I said now, take that feeling and imagine that you were married to him. I explained to her that isn't the affair (sex) itself that causes the majority of the pain, but it is related to the betrayel and broken trust.<p>Anyway we were talking and I said to her how much "I" wanted to make our marriage work, and that "I" was doing everything that "I" could to make myself a better person. Using these "I" statements throughout the evening were actually working quite well. During our conversation I went on to say how I am changing the way I behave, and how I am changing my bad habits to good habits.<p>She said to me that she didn't believe that people can change. I said "Do you think that I have changed since we got married?". Of course her reply was a resounding yes. So with that I said see, people CAN change. Then she went on to say that people only change for the worse and not the better. I then proceeded to say that was not true. I told her that "I" wanted to make myself a better person. "I" am willing to do this to work on our relationship so we can have a good solid foundation for our relationship, and be wonderful parents for our daughter.<p>To sum this up I feel that I have actually started to get through to her what I have been going through for the past few weeks. Along with the conversations we had an EXCELLENT time together with each other, and our daughter. When she was ready to leave she said give me a hug. We had a good 30+ seconds of solid embracing (during this time she told me that she had a nice evening with me). She then asked me to walk her to her car. She sat down, rolled her window down, and we talked for another couple of minutes. I gave her a kiss on her hand good bye (she smiled) and she drove out with a nice smile on her face and waved to me.<p>Anyway I feel that I have "planted a seed" in her head now I just need to fertilize it and make it grow.<p>[ November 01, 2001: Message edited by: mermit77 ]</p>

At this time your wife can not see how she has hurt you. It is the fog.<p>Plan A her with no LB and be there for her when she needs to talk.<p>Let her see you are going on with your life and your D. In time I feel she will come to see the changes you have made and want to come home. Time is what it will take now.<p>Let the A die. Try not to talk about it unless she brings it up. Don't put the OM down ( this is very hard) but you can do it.<p>Get the books and read them they will help you so much.<p>Stay strong and come hear to vent.<p>
SLH

I am going to play "mind reader" here and say that I see hope in your future-but not before you suffer the pain of the A itself.<p>I do believe you are totally doing all you can to be a better person! If it doens't work for your W then it will be the best thing ever for you and your child! And any future person in your life. We can't change other people-but we can change ourselves. And we can change for the good or the bad. You sound like you are very aware of who and what you want to be. I am proud of you!!<p>I think your W is in a fog! But I also think after the fog thins out she is going to want you back. I don't know why I feel this-I just do. I say be patient. It sounds as if you are doing an absolute excellent job of Plan A. I myself could NEVER do it. But you are doing geat and if you love her and want her in your life then I say you are doing all the right things.<p>Add a prayer for her quick recovery from this "fog".<p>I will be praying for you both [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

First of, I must ask what "LB" means. I am still new to the forum and don't know what all of the abbreviations mean (Does anyone wonder why that is such a long word [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>I want to thank all of you for your advice and support. I really hate this time in my life right now, but I am making the best of it to make time for myself when she is not around. I am going out and having fun, meeting new people etc. <p>I have only put her boyfriend down once (the day that I saw him driving MY car with her in the passenger seat, and my daughter in the back about two weeks ago). That day REALLY pissed me off. How symbolic is that? I called her and left her a civil voicemail asking her politely to not let him drive my car.<p>When she called me the next morning she wanted to know where I was when she saw me, and I called her boyfriend a Rogaine model [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . It took her a minute to realize what I had said then she hung up on me as it sank in.<p>Oh, another thing that she had said to me on Halloween while we were talking is that she said I am way better looking then her BF. I am not quite sure what this all means, but I am just being patient. I hate the feeling of being helpless and not being able to say what she is doing is wrong. I just want to say end it and come home, but that sure as hell wont work. Especially as stubborn as my wife tends to be.<p>I can still use some more advice....<p>Tim

First of all - you are doing great. It is frustrating to not be able to vent your anger and let your spouse know "just what you think about what she's doing and about OM". AFter all SHE's the one who's making poor choices isn't she? Unfortunately, when the spouse is in the fog (which yours still is) these attacks drive them further away and you need to bust your butt with Plan A. It does seem unfair sometimes, but the results of a good plan A will definitely help you as a person regardless of the outcome with your spouse.<p>
LB = Love Busting. Check out info on this site about lovebusters and lovebank deposits.

HAHA, I must say that I am having a GREAT day! First, I get an email from the CEO of our company saying that everyones hours have been reinstated immediately (That is essentialy a 20% raise!)! Then about 20 minutes later my wife called me on her lunch break to chit chat. We didn't talk yesterday at all, but I really think that our conversation on Halloween is starting to help.<p>She called to tell me about her day (I was smiling while talking to her so she could hear the happiness in my voice, if you have ever had customer service training you will learn about this technique). Well as I stated earlier the OM is her co-worker. Well a customer walked in who happened to be a blonde female (not very attractive according to my wife.) and she was told that she would need to schedule an appointment to be helped. Well the OM heard what was going on and jumped to help her out.<p>After all of this my wife said to him that I saw what you did, you see the first somewhat attractive woman and jump. He got kinda argumentative with her and said no I didn't! So she tells me that if he wants to start flirting with womem and being like that, that's fine. She would rather not be with someone like that anyway! I didn't really say anything back to what she was saying. I didn't want her to think that I was trying to take advantage of the situation to get her back (knowing she will become more distant to me).<p>I am just waiting for him to screw up some more, and I am here making myself a better person for my wife and family. This may sound a little wierd, but I am actually having fun. I am just nice, agreeable, there for her if she needs me, and a friend to talk to. It is fun to see that working on myself, and just sitting back and not butting in to her business is slowly making her realize that she HAS a family. <p>I truly feel that I have made a HUGE difference in my attitude in the past few weeks, and it is already starting to show with the way my wife voluntarially calls me to chat about her "daily grind". I just wish that I would have found this web site 6 months ago so that I could have made myself a better person then, and the affair never would have happened.<p>It does me no good to live in the past, so I am just keeping a positive outlook on my relationship, my life and the future. I know that it sounds like I am almost euphoric right now, I am not going to let this make me over joyous so that I get crushed if she does some weird thing with her boyfriend. I am just using this to make me act even BETTER around her and show her my happiness.<p>I am having the time of my life making myself better overall! I have learned so much in the past month by reading different books, websites, and a self improvement seminar on tape (Dr. Phil). He has basically the same kinds of stratigies. If you want to make your marriages work, you need to fix yourself before you can fix your marriage. After the way she is starting to change (compared to how she was treating me 2 months ago) I am a FIRM believer in this strategy, and I feel that learning these techniques are the best thing that has happened to me in my life.<p>--Tim

Good work. You definitely have the right attitude. You are right - leave OM up to his own devices and he'll LB all over the place. The more we BS try to show our WS how awful and amoral the OP's are - the more they defend them and try to see the good in them.

Tim,<p>I love Dr. Phil too! Wish I had his tapes-I just watch him on Oprah. I still think you are doing a fantastic job with your situation-keep up the good work.<p>Have a good weekend!!

Tim,
You are at a very important juncture right now. Make sure SHE is the pursuer, not you. Be pleasant, friendly, etc., but always leave her wanting more. Let her do the calling. And be sure you are the one to end the call first. Above all, do not initiate talk about either relationship--yours w/her or hers w/OM. If she initiates a hug, be sure YOU are the one to back off first--same with kissing or any other kind of contact. Don't always be available. Maybe return every second or third call. Keep very close track of what is working and do more of it. Immediately eliminate anything that distances her.<p>It really helps to remember what attracted her to you in the first place and recreate those behaviors. Try to be the magnet that draws her to you. Books that help with maintaining and presenting the proper attitude and actions in addition to the plan A info here are Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson and Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis.<p>My H was gone for only 6 days, and I firmly believe it was because I stayed in reserve and accepting of his choices and looking to improve my life regardless of what he was doing or not doing. In my mind (and I believe it showed in my attitude), he was just one of many possible suitors, that I was free to choose him or not, as I wished, just as it was during our courtship.<p>Beware, though, as I know the high you're on right now. While H was gone I was happier than I'd been in years and was so energized. Since he's been back, it has been an extremely painful rollercoaster ride and I have yet to feel that same euphoria and energy I had on my own, so if your W decides to reconcile, that will only be the beginning of a long hard road.<p>Conqueror

mermit77,<p>You are doing great .... however please follow the link below and learn somemore about MB ...<p>
General Welcome for All New Builders: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553 <p>Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000557<p>
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