Well, newsflash, his parents now know my H wants to leave, not that he has found an apt(it would kill them since the knowledge of our problems is sending them over the edge). Yes, one day at a time...<p>My FIL says he doesn't understand. He thinks that all problems can be resolved. He doesn't understand why my H doesn't want to work on them. I tell my FIL the will to work on them has to be there and right now it's not. My H says, "right now, this how I feel." Big fight just over that...<p>My FIL leaves. I say to my H, "Where does the OW stand in your life?" He says that he can't shake the "feeling". Suddenly, I'm not devastated. I just want him out. Let's see if he can't shake it...<p>This is what it's all about isn't it? I, as a shattered BS, just can't understand or believe how love can just evaporate but the WS just can't shake it and needs to get out. Is this consistent behaviour?

Dear T,<p>This is part of that hard time. Reaping the consquences of his A is now beginning to surface past the hurt he caused his immediate family. Now you need to let the others share their feelings toward your H. Don't shield him. Don't over do the exposure either. Just step back and watch. <p>Your H can't shake his feelings for the OW because there isn't enough reason to. He has been able to have an A and his family. Cake and eat it to concept. There was a write up about the cake man a while back. I don't have it but maybe someone else does. It was revealing info for me, might be for you also. <p>I am sorry I can't be real positive right now, this was a hard time for me when I was in your position. Just have to hanker down and stick it out. You will survive this time. why? Because you are in the right place for support and you have the will to save your marriage. When one of those 2 waver, the other picks you up. Hold onto us right now, T. OK?<p>L.

Thanks O. Yes, I definitely feel I need MB more than ever. <p>Hugs

Cakeman
Dr. Roger A. Rhoades<p>
There is no telling how many men at any given time are cheating on their wives. To get an accurate reading would be almost impossible. You would have to ask men about something that they normally lie about and then expect them to tell the truth. <p>Probably the best way to get an accurate reading is to ask men how many of them feel they have been driven to an affair by their wives. I am sure men would be more than glad to own up to being a victim of circumstance and not having been the bad guy in the situation. <p>As long as men keep looking to blame someone or something for their infidelity, women will be lost on how to change their cheating ways. <p>It is hard to say how many men get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. <p>They want to have someone to have their babies.
They want to fit in with other people in their social circle.
They want to have someone to be at home with them, now that they no longer live with their parents.
They want someone to take the place of their mothers and baby them.
No matter what the reason, some men do not get in a marriage to be faithful. These men see their wives as the next step on the ladder of adulthood. They have become unable or unwilling to keep up the pace of single life, but do not want to give up the thrill of the chase. <p>These men are what I call Cakemen. <p>
Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. These men stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time.
They like the fact that they can have someone stable at home, taking care of business, while they continue to play single guy with other women. <p>They have no real desire to leave their wives and move on to someone else, unless their activities are discovered. <p>If they are discovered, many of these Cakemen dump the girlfriend and stay with the wife, only to go back to cheating once the dust has settled. <p>In a man's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world. <p>If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this. <p>On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend. <p>One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship. <p>When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility. <p>Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else. <p>In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship. <p>The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player. <p>When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service. <p>In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time. <p>One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get into an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man. <p>He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts. <p>The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net. <p>Very few men get excited about a full blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it. <p>This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack. <p>If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero worshipping. <p>It is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some time, most girlfriends who have heard a man say he hates his wife will entertain the subject of divorce or even marriage. <p>When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him. <p>The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom if ever does everyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of situation. <p>Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman. <p>These men also suffer from this type of behavior. They never really grow up and take their place in a responsible society. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run affect their coping skills and their performance on a job. <p>Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives. <p>Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication. <p>The best advise is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act. <p>The emotional stability you save might be your own! <p>© Copyright 1999, Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

Terrified,
Often the love for the BS is still there within the WS. My H told me he didn't love me, wasn't in love with me, etc. the usual.<p>But now, says he always loved me. He was drawn to the OW because she seemed adventurous yet vulnerable, and met those recreational needs I wasn't...which led to the PA.<p>The love for both of us has come back. We talk about being "in love" with each other. Joke about "I love you just a little bit more". The love didn't go away, his for me was ignored because he thought he wanted that other life. Mine for him drained away through the separations & finally having someone else meet my needs.<p>But it is back. So, don't take his words as absolutes--forever changes. Feelings change all the time. One good lovebust, or invasion of reality, by the OW could make her a lot less appealing.

Thank you Bramble Rose.<p>My H is definately at the bakery these days, I'm trying to move to plan B. Reading this helps.<p>Good luck Terrified, are you in Plan A or looking to move to Plan B also?

Thanks to all of you for your insight. BR, What an amazing post. Lor, I hope you're right. ROF, I'm in Plan A right now and I'm not sure about Plan B. <p>It's strange but I woke up today angry that I had to see the sorrow and grief on my FIL's face. I was angry that I had to listen to the devastation in my MIL's voice. I was angry that I was forced to disappoint them. I asked my H to move out all of his belongings. I yelled at my H for crossing the line and rewriting our future. I yelled at my H for taking our futures away. I told my H to not worry about considering me in his decisions. It's okay. Don't waffle...<p>I did all the things and said all the things I shouldn't have. I told him I had to grieve. I assured him he could still see his D but on my terms. <p>My FIL said he doesn't know his son anymore. A man so concerned with his own happiness?? It didn't make sense to him. <p>I was proud that I said nothing. The tears streamed down my face but I continued to defend my H. "He doesn't love me Dad and you can't force him." There was no mention of the A. There was no blame, no fingers being pointed. <p>My H was sad today. He called and said he experienced nostalgia for the first time while in a mall we had visited... I said nothing and asked him again to move himself out.

T
You Have a back bone! You are getting stronger! You will get your self esteme back! I'm so very proud of you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I witnessed H's tears for the first time yesterday. I'm not sure if they were for me or for the OW. I work an hour away from home and he said that he can't even visit the city without feeling sad or thinking of me/what we've shared there. I say nothing but I want to scream and shout "If you feel so sad and reminiscent, why then are you doing this??"<p>He believes so strongly that these feelings are just part of the process. I feel so strangely disconnected from everything today.