I am new here and not really sure of the ropes. So here goes. I am the WS. My FS found out about my A about 1 month ago. To make a long story short it was with an old boyfriend of mine from 24 years ago. Being found out was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I was not happy being in the A but I could not let go on my own. We are well on our way to repairing the damage. I do have one problem though. When my FS found out he told me that as long as the A was not a PA then he could forgive me. If things went any further, then he would leave me. So I wasn't even given a chance to tell him just how far it went. I just knew that at the time and as highly emotional it was that I did not want to loose him so I told him that it went as far as kissing and that is it. Well, I know you can tell where this is going. It did go further, we did not have sex, but it came pretty darn close. So that is my predicament. I need to tell him, but I am so afraid. I was given an ultimatum But in order for me to feel completely forgiven, I need to come clean. I have read about radical honesty, but it scares me to death. I am in agony over this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

1stepatatime,<p> You just need to sit him down and tell him the truth. It will help you recovery.<p>Indy

Carefully! Maybe start with something like, I just want you to know that we DIDN'T have sex, but...<p>Give it some HARD thought, practice it, write it down, go over it. If you've got a friend to whome you've completely confided in (of your same gender), read it to them and ask their opinion (or write it here, there will be plenty of help provided).<p>Everyone I post to tonight, I'm telling to by SAA (Surviving an Affair), available in the Bookstore of this site. I just got it today and it's a Godsend (to both WS and BS).<p>Don't make a bad situation worse by keeping a terrible secret. That's what I did 4 years ago when I had an EA...and it ultimately led to me shutting down all the communication lines, and now I am the proud recipient of the WS title (well, not so proud maybe).<p>Do the right thing. You'll be happier and healthier in the long run. The longer you wait, the more that BS will hold it against you when/if you do finally come completely clean.<p>Hopefully, you'll get more guidance here.<p>Prayers,
Kev

Hi, <p>
Welcome to marriage builders. Here are some threads with info to help you on your road to recovery. It would be well for you to familiarize yourself with the concepts and share them with your spouse.<p>Welcome package:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html<p>
Acronyms:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html<p>
An interview by Dr Shiley Glass:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011376.html<p>
A success story:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012173.html<p>
5 stages of grieving:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html<p>I needed to add that while most of info here comes from or for the BS (betrayed spouses), there is support here for all. The 5 stages of greiving thread is for betrayed spouses. When you are ready to share this with your spouse, maybe he will appreciate the support and threads like these. <p>Hope these threads help a bit. There is a lot more info out here. The time you vest into learning the MB concepts is time well spent. There are also other tools here such as the phone counseling that can add to the benefit. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thank you so much for your advice. It helps. My husband and I are currently in counseling. We had our first session last week. I don't know where to go with it. But at least we are there. Would it help if I were to reveal this not so good secret to him in the counseling office? Should I talk to her (the counselor) alone? The thought of telling him absolutely scares me to death. I would give anything that it hadn't happened. I know that telling him would enable us to totally heal. Just the fact that he knows that I had an A helps me. But the fact that he told me that as long as it didn't go beyond kissing he could deal with that and anything more would be it, scares me to death. We have been married 21 (almost 22) years and I am not willing to throw that all away. But it is as if he can only accept part of it and not all of it. I know that I made a mistake, but I am not a bad person and just because I did what I did does not mean that I don't love my husband. Going through what I went through made me realize just how much I do love him. In fact when this was all going on I wanted to tell him so badly. But how do you do that? If I would have know about this sight beforehand I might have been spared all this agony. But that is all water under the bridge now. Thanks again for your support.

BS's have the responsibility of creating a safe environment for the truth to come out. So far your H hasn't done that.<p>Can you show him things from this site? Such as the articles on Radical Honesty?<p>I agree that you need and want to disclose everything. And you need to make your BS feel safe and loved and chosen. <p>He has some things to do for you too -- so that you can build your trust and honesty.

Lexxxy,
Thank you for your reply. I can show him things from this sight. Although he does not really like me being on the internet. (There was a site that I was going to that was instrumental in helping me to go ahead with my affair.) I think that I can convince him that this is a good place. I am finding a lot of good reading. There is a link to an article by Dr. Shirley Glass that I found very informative and will show to him. It goes over a lot of things that I was feeling and what he may be feeling. <p>Anyhow, my question to you (or to anyone) is if my BS is not creating the right environment for me to be able to feel comfortable in telling him the truth, then how can I tell him? I won't unless he gives me a sign that he will listen and won't leave me. I am doing everthing in my power to make him feel loved and chosen. I don't know what else to do.
Thanks!

I would hate for your spouse to come here and find the truth on this board! Better to hear it from you - face to face! And, if the BS is supposed to create a "safe environment", that is maybe helpful, but not "required".<p>If you are being honest consistently - and meeting his emotional needs consistently, then I would definitely print some of the articles out for him to read.... and then, after you think you are ready to be honest - create a safe environment for both of you, and tell him. <p>Be prepared for the worst, because - well... It took my husband 4.5 years to be honest - and by that time I didn't believe him. I didn't believe that it was an "almost mistake" - because it took him soooo long to finally tell. It by that time really hit me hard - and, believe me - I knew a lot about the MB principles by then. <p>So, I guess my advice is to tell the truth as quickly as you can - but do it in love.<p>God Bless
TnT

I took all of your advice and I told him the truth last night. Everything is out in the open now. I was getting physically ill by not telling him. It hurt him deeply and I am feeling so terrible today. But I had to come clean. Thank you all for leading me in the right direction. My H is a wonderful man and I don't intend on loosing him. But the damage is done and I am not sure where to go from here. We both want to work through this. How do I (we) work through this? We both are hurting so badly right now, but we know that we love each other. This all seems like a dream (or nightmare). What I did is so totally out of character for me. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so hurt, lost and confused. And I am so sorry for what I did to my H. What can I do? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Read everything on this site. You are Miles and Months ahead of many folks here. You've been honest, you've (I hope) ended the A, you both sound willing to work on the M.<p>Read about the EN (emotional needs), and go through the EN checklist (both of you). Identify each of your needs and then share them with each other. Work HARD on meeting the top 2-3 needs as well as the next 2. Read the concepts of the rules of PROTECTION, CARE, TIME and RADICAL HONESTY and employ them. <p>Get the book SAA (as mentioned in my earlier post), it details the road to recovery. Avoid hurting each other (Love Busters) at all costs. When you need to be honest with bad feelings or "criticisms", word them carefully. Use words like "I feel," and "I really like it when,". Avoid phrases like "But YOU," or "I really hate it when you," etc...<p>Post here when you need to vent. Ask your H if he'd also be interested in using this support network.<p>Remember, it's going to take TIME, and it's going to be a roller coaster (ups and downs). Love each other and work to rebuild a BETTER marriage than either of you ever dreamed!<p>God bless, hope this helps you.
Kev

Yes, the A ended the first night that my H found out. There has been no contact other than one email that I sent to him explaining what happened and to leave me alone. We really can't see each other anyway, we live over 1000 miles apart. I print a lot of things off from this sight and have my H read them. I hope that I can convince him to start posting or at least start reading what other people go through. That way he won't feel so all alone. I know that it helps me.<p>Even if he doesn't come here, we are in counseling. And I will continue to read all that I can myself.
Thanks again!

1stepatatime,<p>You have received good advice in my opinion. I would like to offer just a bit more. Please realize that this takes TIME and PATIENCE. If you will have patience with your H and yourself and let the healing powers of time work, you will be fine.<p>When things get tough, and they will, just remind yourself T&P. It sounds as if your H loves you deeply and it sounds as if you have come to the realization you married the right man after all. If this is all true, just give it T&P along with a good dose of honesty. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You will be rewarded.<p>God Bless,<p>JL