Well, I've known this day was coming for weeks, but still held out hope that something would happen to change her mind. It didn't. We've been somewhat separated for a couple of months already, but this seems much more permanent.<p>She's renting a house, moving furniture and clothes and buying new furniture for our kids for when they stay with her. She keeps apologizing for doing this, knows how hard it is on me, knows I feel cheated out of any chance to work on our marriage together, and says she feels awful about it. She's doing it anyway. I know I shouldn't drive myself nuts trying to make sense of what she does, but I wish I could understand how she can do this.<p>She has said that she doesn't want a divorce right now, and that she just needs some time and space. I don't think there's continued contact; she recently referred to her A as "the disaster". She has also said that now is the opportunity for me to prove that I can/have changed. Part of me is glad that she's open to the possibility that we might reconcile, and part of me just wants to sarcastically say "Gee, thanks. You cheated on me for a year, lied repeatedly, now you're splitting up our family without even trying to work things out. It's just so thoughtful of you to give me the opportunity to show you that I've changed."<p>I'm sad, angry, hurt, confused, and broken-hearted. I feel like I'm trapped in a really bad movie, or living a nightmare that I can't wake up from. In short, this sucks.<p>Those of you that have experienced separation - can you share with me how you dealt with it and if/when you started to sense some movement back towards the marriage by the WS?<p>NP

((((NP)))),
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. For me, when my H left in March, I didn't know about his A yet, so it wasn't as hard because I THOUGHT he was moving out to give us space we needed to start over. It was devastating to find out he was really running to a new relationship. For you, it seems as if the cards are now on the table. I pray your W's A is really over. It might be tremendous guilt she's feeling, and can't handle it living at home? It could be so many things. If she's being truthful about the A being a disaster, you're miles ahead of some of us. My H now sort of refers to it as a "mistake", but I don't feel too confident that he's being truthful. I guess my advice would be to try to continue recovering yourself. Keep busy with fun things you like to do. Plan A your butt off. If you W isn't wanting a divorce right now, take that as a hopeful sign. Pray a lot. Pray for peace, strength and discernment for what you're going through. Ask God to meet you in your pain. Ask God to protect your W and open her heart to beginning again. Prayer is so powerful. I will say prayers to you to have the patience and to keep doing the wonderful things you're doing to recover your M......<p>MOM

NP,<p>Get and read some of the books provided in this site's bookstore (particularly Surviving an Affair). Know that the Harleys suggest that this separation to "sort some things out", to "get some space to think", to "get away from the stress of seeing you daily" often equate to "I need to get away so that I can easier spend time w/ OP." I'm sorry to have to say that, but you really should put some thought into how you'd react if that were true. Here's a short list of LB's that I know won't help from my own experience.<p>DON'T:
Throw a fit if you catch them.
Physically threaten either of them.
Beat on WS car.
Inform family/friends (known as recruiting, this is a BIG LB).
Attempt any form of intervention (w/ family or friends).
Make them sign "contracts" to end the A (I know, sounds silly, but I actually did it- didn't help).
Appear needy or clingy to WS.
Talk about it CONSTANTLY w/ WS.<p>Here's a short list of things you CAN do.<p>DO:
Work on making YOU a happier/better person.
Consider meds for depression/sleeplessness.
Engage (or re-engage) in hobbies.
Get physically fit.
Continue to carry on your life/work.
Work on maintaining the family(kids) and house hole tasks.
Love and forgive YOURSELF for your part in this.
Be confident that you WILL be loved.
Do things to build YOUR self esteem.<p>
Hope these little tips will help, some.<p>Kev

NP..<p>I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I was the BS and dday for me was February 18, 2001. I must say for the life of me, I will never understand the frame of mine that your wife is in! Your situation is almost the same as mine, however we had no children. <p>I sincerely wish for the best for you in your efforts to do the right thing. In order for you both to have a chance to save your marriage, your wife must cease ALL contact with the OM, even if it means that she has to quit her job and look for a new job! <p>Please keep us updated on your situation! <p>TAKE CARE and GOD BLESS!<p>Bryan

Thanks for the kind words, and thanks for the hug MOM - my first here.<p>Some of the things I've done so far:<p>-started taking antidepressants
-read all the Harley stuff, and more
-did phone counseling with Jennifer
-saw MC with WS for a couple of months (it was actually worse than useless)
-tried to avoid all LBs, and discussing A
-tried to focus on my kids and on me
-made appointment to see IC (a different one)
-started running again<p>By the way, she no longer works with OM as of mid August. Also, his wife knows so hopefully she's keeping him on a short leash.<p>I know tonight is going to be tough. Previously we were separated but the kids were always at home. Now they're going to start moving between houses. When they ask tonight when mom is coming home, I'll have to tell them that she isn't. Ugh. And I thought I was out of tears.<p>NP

I am so sorry to here this. My h moved out in Jan 01 to get his head on straight- meaning "to be able to be with ow". We had continued contact, sex, etc, which confused the h*** out of both of us. Everytime I started to get on my feet, he wanted to come home because he couldn't stand to see me happy- the only problem was he couldn't stop seeing her either. If you are gonna be apart I definately recommend plan b'ing the right way. Not the way I did it. He has been home for 3 months and it has been an awful struggle. Sorry if I depressed you, but just wanted you to be prepared if you find out she is spending time with om. Handle it with all you have. Good luck!