Hello friends,<p>Well I was posting in Recovery a few days ago(guess it was too soon) now back to GQII. <p>Our recovery was doing great. I thought we couldn't fail. It had been about 6 weeks back together. A lot of ENs being met by both of us, some but few LBs, unfortunately there were more than I realized(thanks for pointing it out Leilana, I think I learned something because of you). <p>XW had totally devoted herself to me again and she was talking about remarriage. But I guess I blew it for now. I hope I get a chance to try again(gosh, I've said that before)<p>Our LBs I guess were all my fault. And that's why I've stayed away from here for the past few days. I hate the feeling that I worked my a$$ off and messed up a few small times, but enough for XW to slip into the fog again. I feel like we had a great opportunity and because of me, we failed.<p>I didn't even realize that my hatred of OM would be a big LB. I didn't bring him up or hound her about the A. But one time we did get in to it and I expressed my anger towards him. I thought that since XW was so ashamed of herself and her actions, she would understand how I felt... NOT! It made her think more highly of him and less of me.<p>Anyway, things haven't gotten too much better since she moved out. She did go see her C and I'm going to talk to him next week. I really don't like him, but it's the only person she will see. The plan is for me to see him myself early next week, then both of us later in the week. I'm going to give him and C a chance.<p>I just have this terrible feeling XW is with OM again(or with someone else, I just hope I'm being paranoid), and she's just going to C for show so the people she's told lately that we're back together and happy and in love won't think that she's given up too quickly again.<p>She's saying she doesn't think it will work... after a month of blissful love and happiness by both of us. And her saying how she KNOWS she'll love me and want me forever. It's now the complete opposite. She doesn't sound encouraging or hopeful. <p>She moved out Monday. Tuesday we didn't see each other at all. Wendsday we all went to dinner after I took the kids trick or treating. Even though I knew I needed to act happy and positive I couldn't. I was so depressed, plus I have a lingering cold. We were so close just last week. Our dinner was tense and nervous. We didn't enjoy it a bit. Seems like we're back to where we were months ago. After dinner we went back to her new place and just hung out for a while. It wasn't too bad actually. I relaxed a lot better and we just went through the kid's candy and played with them some, then me and the kids left. At least she still gave me a good good-bye kiss and told me she loves me.<p>Today she went to see her doctor. When she called, I asked her how it went and she said fine. I asked her very calmly if she had anything positive or negative to say about the appointment and she pretty much blew up. I CAN'T TELL YOU THE ANSWERS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR she screamed! Then I said "well alrighty then, guess I'll let you go"... "don't give me that attitude!" she screamed. I just tried to calm her down. "Honey, you're over reacting, I'm was just wondering and not trying to push you or be a smart a$$." We made plans for me getting the kids back from her tonight and ended the call.<p>I told myself in the car on the way home "Remember how bad things felt last night when we went to dinner? don't act like that. Act happy, positive and be myself"
When I got home(she still has my key), she was sitting on my porch with our son. I did act positive, I said in a happy voice "hey guys what are ya'll doing?"(yes, we live in the south) She responded in a positive tone as well. I kept it up... I flirted, but not too much, I asked her to go to dinner tonight with me and the kids. She had already made plans with a friend so we didn't. Then I tried to put "the move" on her, just to test the waters. BTW sex has always been great between us, even when her A was in full swing. She gracefully declined, BUT she said "I'll take you up on your offer for dinner tomorrow night and if you're a good boy, I'll take you up on your other offer as well". Then she pointed out that she had left her lingerie at my place. <p>I made it a point not to talk about "us". But I did say "dear, I believe in you, I have faith in you as the person you were for the last month and the majority of our relationship, I'm not giving up on you" but that was pretty much it. She said she's not giving up either, her going to C should prove it to me.<p>Then I walked her to her car and we kissed said good-bye then I love you.<p>So all in all tonight went better than expected. Couldn't believe how just being able to act positive seemed to make her relaxed and act happy herself. Hope we can keep that up. Hope I can relax and enjoy myself around her more often, just gotta remember "Act Positive and Happy!".<p>Gotta think of some way to make tomorrow night special for her. Not just a normal dinner with me and the kids. Time to spend too much money on her again. Also we're probably going to New Orleans for a night this weekend... looks like hot dogs for me and the kids all next week(short on cash). Oh well it could be worth it.<p>But later, when I called her to let her speak to the kids before I put them down for the night, she didn't answer(she was in the shower). She called back later and left me a message(I was in the shower). She said she was just calling to tell the kids good night and that she loves them. No mention of me in there... no good night , no love ya, nothing but call me back if you want. No big deal really, just hoping she was thinkg about me some. I didn't call her back, didn't want to risk talking too much.<p>Now she's out with her much younger friends, drinking downtown around a bunch of hormone drive guys just looking for a one nighter. Hope she is thinking with her head. Hope she's capable of doing the right thing for a change. God it's so hard to trust her under these conditions.<p>I know one thing's for sure, I'll never look at a roller-coaster ride at an amusement park the same way ever again.<p>Bye for now. Sorry for the long post. Didn't mean for it to be that way.

Hey kb4jb...<p>For me this ride has been tempered with finding myself right with the Lord ... maybe for the first time ...<p>I am learning to turn to Him first...it is not easy...old habits are hard to break...but as I told a classroom of students today (extreme knuckleheads who were cracking jokes about being at this middle school until they were driving...not really very funny [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ),<p>You won't get a new result unless you do something different and the only thing you really have the power to change is your own actions and reactions...<p>Find your strength in the Lord and through Him find the power to change...<p>Good luck,<p>Calypso (formerly known as J U S T P L A I N C A L I)

Hi kb4jb,<p>I am sorry you are in such pain. You need to not knock yourself down so much and so hard. It looks like you are taking your W's punches for her. <p>It was her choice to move out and yes it is possible that the A is on again. If that is the case, then you go to the mode that protects your love and that of your family. Remember she made statements to others that she was coming home. Each time, it gets worse for the A. Reason: the game gets old. The spark disappears. You can only hide so much. Once the A is exposed, there is not as much attention the 2nd, 3rd, etc. times. <p>People will just start to say, oh there she goes again. In fact, you will feel that way also. It will hurt but less. Also your respect for her will wane. If you can protect your love for her and can wait, the fact that the A as hard as they try will get boring, can mark the beginning of the end. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hey Calypso,
Thank you for your concern. My problem with finding myself right with the Lord is... because of all this stuff for the past year(almost) I have lost my faith. Not totally, but I certainly doubt my faith. And I'm not one who should doubt really. I was raised Christian, was an alter boy, married in the church and have always believed in God and Jesus. It's just hard to look there for answers now. I've always been a good peron, went to church and prayed regularly. My kids go to chrisitan schools and I still encourage their faith. <p>For so long I prayed and prayed. I asked for God's guidance and help. And nothing to show for it, guess I am still here, I am still blessed with my wonderful children. But ya know, I kind of see it this way(and I know I shouldn't), if God was looking out for me, why did I have to go through this in the first place? The first day I met my XW, why wasn't I looking in a different direction(it was love at first site)?<p>Don't get me wrong I still believe in God. Just not sure he's there to help with me. <p>Which does bring up another question I've wondered about these forums before. I've seen people recommend a closer relatonship with God and Jesus. But what do you tell someone who is athiest(I'm not, just wondering)?<p>Anyway thanks again. I will think about God more and probably pray tonight. What could it hurt.<p>On another note, I noticed your signature line. D-day "4/25/01". Oh that was a terrible day for me! That was my 30th birthday. Besides being a bad one, turning 30 and all. My XW was the one who always made me B'day special and she wasn't there this year. I was horrible.<p>Thank you.

Thank you Orchid<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>yes it is possible that the A is on again. If that is the case, then you go to the mode that protects your love<hr></blockquote></strong><p>Why would I want to protect my love for her? So I can get through this for us and work on our relationship again. Start to rebuild, feel good about things then wammo, get my heart ripped out again.<p>I just wish I could trust her to be honest about it if it did happen. I would at least respect that about her.<p>Thing is, she did tell me she's had a weak moment. She told me she called his work and when he answered, she hung up. I was stunned that she told me that. In the past she would not have. But I also know if she tells me a little, there's probably much more that she's hiding. Oh man, now I really feel bad. I think I'd rather not know.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> can mark the beginning of the end. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Can people PLEASE quit using the word "mark". Sorry just a bad trigger [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Really, if it signaled the beginning of the end, I would stick with her. I do believe it's worth it.<p>Thank you.<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</p>

kb,<p>just a thought, I'm not sure that recovery goes so quick, and from your post it suggests that you might be rushing things a little. <p>A good plan A should be designed to work on you, improving aspects of your behaviour so you become a better person to be with in addition to meeting the needs of your Wife. For me, my D-Day was mid-June, I'm still working my Plan A although the relationship is going really, really great. I guard against outbursts, making judgements and controlling behaviour. I'm very well aware that it's going to take longer to make the relationship fantastic. And I need to keep working on me.<p>If you look at what you said in your post:<p> When she called, I asked her how it went and she said fine. I asked her very calmly if she had anything positive or negative to say about the appointment and she pretty much blew up. <p>It doesn't matter whether you speak loudly or calmly, controlling behaviour is still controlling behaviour. Your wifes first answer should have been enough for you, she was showing you her borders and you ignored them.<p>Then I said "well alrighty then, guess I'll let you go"... <p>That's a clear provocation and her reaction shows its a major LB. You overstepped her borders and now you're saying you don't care about her.<p>Then I tried to put "the move" on her, just to test the waters<p>Another provocation and demonstrates more controlling behaviour. Why test her, why not deal with your true emotions. Why push the issue?<p>kb, you have a great chance to reconcile with your wife but it won't happen overnight. Make sure you really understand the elements of Plan A and what it is you're trying to achieve, discuss your wife's needs with her and then address those aspects that you need to. <p>good luck,<p>- Freddy

Dear kb4jb,
I'm so sorry you're going through this after all the hope that she gave you. I'm more sorry that you have lost your faith in God. You must surely know that God has and always will have your best interests at heart. He did NOT cause your XW to have an A. He does want us to get closer to him and lean on him in these times though. Perhaps he cannot physically do anything for your XW, but he CAN spiritually hold YOU up through this. If you put God first, he IS there for you. He's there right now, all you need to do is ask for his help. Ask for discernment, strength and peace. You obviously still want your XW back. Pray for God to watch over her and protect her from the evil (an example, the bar scene you described). Remember the Footprints poem where the man asks:<p>Lord, I noticed that during the hardest times in my life, there were only one set of footprints....why did you leave me then?<p>The lord says, my precious child, those times when you saw only one set of footprints....it was then that I CARRIED you.<p>Let GOD carry you through this.<p>Even if you are not of a mind to ask his help, I'll ask for you.<p>Lord,
I pray for kb4jb to put his full faith and trust back in you, for you alone are worthy of all of his love and trust. Please guard his heart. Give him the peace that he needs to just "be" where he is today. And Lord, protect his XW from the evil lurking in her midst. Surround her with your mighty army. Lord, I ask all these things in your precious son Jesus' name.<p>Amen<p>The triumph will be yours, I'm sure of it. Take care and God Bless.<p>MOM<p>P.S. - I would be encouraging an athiest with the same words I just gave to you. It's what God wants believers to do; be witnesses to those that aren't his yet, because he wants each and every one of us!!

hI KB4JB,<p>I hear your pain. I will not use that trigger word again. But you made what sounds like a conflicting thought. <p>"I just wish I could trust her to be honest about it if it did happen. I would at least respect that about her.<p>Thing is, she did tell me she's had a weak moment. She told me she called his work and when he answered, she hung up. I was stunned that she told me that. In the past she would not have. But I also know if she tells me a little, there's probably much more that she's hiding. Oh man, now I really feel bad. I think I'd rather not know."<p>You want to be able to respect her and trust her again but when she tells you things it hurts so much that you'd rather not know. I am going to ask you a question, just for you to think about. You don't have to answer. <p>Are you a conflict avoider? It is hard to hear and see what the WS does. But when they communciate in their own way, it is a start. <p>You ask why you should protect your love for her? Because that is what you need to have to keep working towards helping her come back. I understand that it is easier to want to throw in the towel. But you just can't seem to do it even though you want to do it. Right? I understand and been there done that with my feelings also. <p>Keep posting here. It is ok to vent here. Nothing will be taken personally. OK?<p>Take care,
L.

Mom,<p>You're an inspiration to us all!<p>KB, hang in there, man. Know that all of our prayers are with you, your XW, and all those on these boards and elsewhere.<p>K

Thank you MOM for helping me out...I couldn't get back on the boards last night...<p>kb4jb...I would suggest the book "Secrets of the Vine" as a book to help you see 'where' God is in your life and what the difference between God's discipline and his 'tests' for you...<p>I had not been close to God for a long time...this episode in my life pushed me towards a deeper relationship with God because I had always desired one...but never 'allowed' myself to be open with my Faith or open to God's Word.<p>I have seen God working in my life...I have had my prayers answered...for me...it has been praying to God BEFORE I do or say anything...asking for guidance, wisdom, strength...I guess it's a spiritual count-to-ten...<p>And like MOM...I too would tell an athiest...an agnostic...the same thing...<p>Good luck on your journey,<p>C A L I

I need to add something that may or may not help you to understand where your focus should be. Shortly after the 9/11 attacks, I found out for the 4th time that my H had started up contact with his OW AGAIN. I was in the depths of despair (for like the 100th time). I was questioning whether my hanging in here with my H was my will or God's will. See, I ask for his guidance, but am not always strong enough to see the clear signs given. I was thinking that Jesus gave us one reason for divorce: infidelity. I was questioning whether God wanted me to continue to work to save my marriage. My H had spent the night before telling me what an awful job I had done with our children while he'd been gone from the house. I was so low, I was seriously thinking about leaving my home, my children, my marriage and letting my H take over. <p>When I got on the bus the next morning (crying as I was praying for answers), a man sat down next to me. This man had been sitting next to me for a couple of weeks. We both knew the other was a Christian, as we had noticed that we listened to the same Christian radio station in the mornings. We had never really talked though. Well, that day, the man sat down and asked my how my week had been. I said "not too great, what about you?" He said "well, I'm a financial planner, and after the attacks, I've been working a lot of late nights; but, really, what's going on with you?" Well, let me tell you, the floodgates opened. I found myself bearing my soul to a total stranger. Do you know he had ALL the right things to say to me. The 2 most important things he said were that I needed to put my focus back on GOD, and that GOD WANTED my marriage to succeed. After talking to me all the way downtown, this man, this total stranger asked mine and my husband's names, and he prayed for us.<p>GOD MET ME RIGHT THERE, RIGHT WHERE I NEEDED HIM, with a stranger. He waited until I was ready to receive it, and he gave it to me big time.<p>Know what else? This man does not normally ride the bus I ride. There was road construction going on at his park-n-ride, so for those couple of weeks, he was taking a different bus.<p>THAT'S GOD, my friend.......<p>MOM

Hey Orchid, and everyone else. Thank you so much for caring.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>I hear your pain. I will not use that trigger word again. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh, I was really just kidding about that. Well it is a trigger, but I was kidding about not using it. That's a word that can't be avoided.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>You want to be able to respect her and trust her again but when she tells you things it hurts so much that you'd rather not know. I am going to ask you a question, just for you to think about. You don't have to answer. <p>Are you a conflict avoider? It is hard to hear and see what the WS does. But when they communciate in their own way, it is a start.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'd rather know the truth. I'd rather face our problems than ignore them. I know it's a start that she told me what she did. I would respect her honesty if she came out and told me it was on again. It would hurt like hell, but I know I could deal with it. I know it will die eventually. I'm just trying to believe it's not going on again I guess. I guess what I'm trying to avoid is the thought of her being with him again, ya know? It makes me sick. Am I making any sense at all? I don't know if I am or not. I do want to know if it is going on, but I'd rather know that it's not.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I understand that it is easier to want to throw in the towel. But you just can't seem to do it even though you want to do it. Right? I understand and been there done that with my feelings also. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Exactly! Thank you! I'm so glad I'm understood. No one else in my life understands what I'm experiencing. I don't know where I'd turn if it wasn't for this website. It at least makes me know I'm not crazy or alone for feeling the way I do.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Nothing will be taken personally. OK?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks. Sometimes I do feel like when I make mistakes and they are pointed out here, that I'm hopless. Because I don't understand why they are mistake. But I'm trying not to understand why and just accept them as mistakes and try and learn from them. <p>No I don't take it personally, I know that I'm given good advice from people who know better than me and I appreciate every response. <p>Let me ask another question. Everybody I know says I'm wasting my time. My friends, my family and much of her family. Everyone I know wants me to move on. The only 2 people who want us to work this out are her parents, they love me and her being together. Oh and of course our children want their parents together. But is everyone wrong? Do they know better? It's very hard to keep working when I'm being told not to. I'm hoping the C will give us a non-biased opinion and give us both encouragement.<p>Well like I said I don't know if I'm making any sense at all. I'm more confused than I've been in months, before she wanted to get back together.<p>Ok here's the deal for the rest of our week... Tonight we're going out to dinner with the kids then coming back to my place to hang out. Then either saturday night or sunday we're going to New Orleans. We're either going to hit Bourbon Street and try and have a fun Saturday night, sell our tickets and come back Sunday afternoon. Or we're driving over Sunday afternoon and going to the game that night. We would just go over Saturday, spend the night and go to the game Sunday night. But due to our babysitter, we can't do it all.
So any advice on how to make tonight and this weekend enjoyable for both of us? How can I help our situation?<p>Thanks again.

Thanks Myownme,<p>Don't have much to say except your post made me cry. I'm so depressed. I wish God would reach out to me and give me a sign. Something small, but noticible. Heck maybe your reference to the footprints poem is in a way a sign. That poem is one thing I've tried to remember though all of this for the past year. I've always loved that poem.<p>Oh BTW way, when I took my last smoke break I prayed. What can it hurt? I work right across the street from the church I was married in(how ironic), wish I could just walk over and talk to the pastor who married us.

THERE YOU GO! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! Love and prayers for a wonderful, pain free weekend to you!<p>MOM

Hi kb4jb,<p>Sorry for the late response. Been in a catchup mode all day. If your plans got cramped, just make the best of what is left. Crying over spilled milk will just make what could be enjoyable a chore. <p>Work with what you can do not what you can't. So it may be less time together and more as a family. Ok that is life, but you do have the abilty to enjoy what precious time you both have. If you both view it as precious time, it is better than lots of unappreciated time. <p>As far as others not supporting you. When I informed my family and friends, one of the first things I asked for was for the to respect my wishes. Hard as it was, most of them did that. If they had negative thoughts most have kept it to themselves. The few that have come out has been after they watched me suffer for so many months. Even H's favorite BIL told him off. My cousin did the same but also said she loved my H and wanted him to turn around and be that nice guy she originally met. <p>But if your family and friends can't support you then limit what they know. In their case the less they know the better. <p>JMHO,
L.

Hi kb4jb,
I know that you are going through a rough time time right now and I know that things will get better. We are all truly concernd for you. You have to remember that you are not responsible for your W's actions.

I'm praying for you. I like you was raised in church, married in church and some how slowly slipped away but I never lost my faith. When my H first moved out I prayed every night for a sign for an explanation. You know sometimes our prayers are answered and at the time we don't see that. God knows what is best for us sometimes it just takes awhile for us to see that. keep praying and I will praying for you as well. Take care.
C