I recently found out that my wife has had two affairs. This has completly distoryed me and my life. She says this isn't going to happen again and that she is sorry but, when I try to reach out to her and tell her how I feel she tells me that I need to stop being weak and be a strong man. Tonight she asked me if I was seeing another woman as if to try to place the guilt of an affair on me. She doesn't understand that these types of comments are like stabbing addtional daggers into my heart. I feel lonely,hurt and like no one understands my pain. It seems that the only way to stop this terrible pain is to end life as it exist. <p>(see HURT LOST ans CONFUSED BUT I STILL LOVE HER for the entire story)

I found out 10 months ago that my h has had a long term affair lasting on and off over a period of 30 years. I can sympathise with your feelings entirely. Mental pain is something I never experienced before I can assure you that it does gradually get better with time that and understanding a sequence of symptoms are the main ingredients of the antidote as far as I can see.I am about to post about this. Could you reply to my post ,if you can, re a description of the feelings that are triggered by an event such as this.

If,<p>Welcome to MB. I know that others will be along with very useful information and advice for you. In the mean time, read everything you can on this site. Check the Q&A and Articles sections from the home page. There are some letters and responses regarding affairs; their beginnings, endings, survival, and rebuilding the marriage.<p>I'd also recommend getting a couple of books from the site bookstore (particularly SAA - Surviving an Affair).<p>Read up on Plan A and implement it.<p>Good luck, and God bless.
Kev

Hello [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<p>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –>Tour of Marriage Builders and General Welcome. <p>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <p>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –>What Are Plan A and Plan B.<p>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the Emotional Needs of your spouse,and avoid Love Busters whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the POJA to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<p>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> Counsel Link<p>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<p>You are not alone!! Marriages can and DO get saved around here, even with multiple affairs!!

Thank You all for your sound advice. I am now visiting this site three and four time a day. It feels like I have found a close circle of friends whom can relate and advise. Others have said, this site has worked wonders for their marraige. I hope to join this group of successors in the future. As for now dealing with the pain is very hard. No matter where I am at or what I am doing I can't remove this from my mind. Hopefully with friends like I have gained at this site I can learn to cope and prevail. I have already looked at what I may have done in the past to foster or encourge this type of behavior. I was also unhappy in this relationship but, did not choose the option infidlity and still fail to understand why this was an option for her, EM's were not met by both parties but one choose to stray down the dark grim road of infidelity.

Welcome To MB. I'm sorry that you're here for the reasons we all are. It is very hard, I found out 2 months ago. You're certainly not alone! There are a great many insightful and caring folks around here that can help a great deal. The concepts I've learned here and the benifits I've gained from other's insights have surely eased my pain. Hopefully, you'll be able to find some of the same comfort. <p>Take care,
Paul

I Discovered my WS's two A's by recording her phone conversation with the OM's. Since, I have recorded conversations two other times. One of the two conversations I found she was speaking to different OM (this is the third). He asked her quesions such as if he could kiss her the next time he saw her. Her responce was, "maybe, we will see when the time comes". Though no harm was done there was still the intent. When confronted she totally placeed blame on me and said, I was wrong, completly avoiding any questions reguarding kissing the OM. Since we have been working on restoring our M. Everytime she is on the phone I fear it is the OM she is talking to. I recorded a conversation she had last night but haven't listened to it. I feel like I need to listen to this to assure myself that the OM's are out of her life. But also I am scared to find something I fear. My question to you all is should I listen to this conversation or should I just continue working on the M and ignore any conversations my WS may have. If anybody has suggestions or ideas please advise me. My ears are wide open.<p>Thank You All Very Much

Hi, <p>First I am glad you have come here. The stage you are in right now could have you in shock. Dealing with the reality of your W's experiences is having a hard impact on you. Here are some questions worth considering:<p>1. Will you learn more by listening that will could make you change your mind?<p>2. Are you ready to make up your mind?<p>3. Can you make up your mind?<p>4. How much of the marriage builders info have you read and understand? <p>5. Have you discussed any of this with a counselor? You can have a phone counseling session for both of you or just yourself. <p>6. CAn you pinpoint the reason for your W's actions? <p>7. What type of support do you have?<p>These are a lot of questions. You don't owe us the answers nor do you have to have all the answers right now. Just giving you something to think about. One of the good things about posting here is that you get ideas on how to handle your situation and insight from those who have basically 'been there/done that'. We even have a poster who goes by that user name. <p>Try to keep the big picture in mind. There is a strong desire to want to know all. Sometimes that is good and other times it can be deadly. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <p>Take Care,
L.

Ordhird,<p>Thank you very much for your needed responce. I know no one has a specific answer for me but, it helps me to hear from others when my mind and logical thinking process is scrambled. You are right, I am in schock for the third time! When it appears that we on the right track she turns around and swiftly kicks me right between the legs. Yes there are a number of EM's that I haven't met and the result has brought me to this site. But what unmet EM's causes 3 A's. Is it really me or a much deeper problem she may have?

Hi, <p>Well for me it was finding out (or at least I was told at one point - probably about where you are right now) that my H did not know I loved him. <p>He used that excuse to help him walk out on his family. He now knows this was stupid and he even admits that exaggerated it. Just wanted very much to see what the other 1/2 of the world did. Also my H had a very very bad childhood. Causing issues to affect all 11 children (including schizophrenia in the oldest boy). <p>My H had a major ea/pa with the last OW but several 1 nighters with call girls and 1 officer's wife!! Go figure. They both advertised themselves on the internet as being lonely and looking for a 'friend'. After a while it becomes sort of a game to them. <p>I eventually had to let my H go and let him learn life's hard lessons on his own. This meant he moved out and lived on his own for 5 months. Putting us in financial difficulty and almost had us evicted from our home. The pain and suffering it caused our family and friends was tremendous. <p>Yet it seemed to be all necesary for the WS. It appears to be a process not even they can stop until it wears out. See, the WS sees the OP as the 'perfect' one(s). The BS is never viewed in the same light. Now you can look at that as good or bad. <p>Looking at it as bad will cause great anger, pity and frustration. Looking at it as a good thing can help you to move forward. Either way you will suffer some pity, anger and frustration but the less you suffer the quicker you will heal. <p>For me, my H was very disrespectful. I allowed it until I could not longer function and then put my foot down. For me, I went to plan B out of necessity. Plan A just allowed my H to walk all over me. Something he later confessed he would have continued to do unless I stopped him. <p>Well, I did not stop him for his benefit but for mine. That is when I began to take control of my life and now (still yet), working on kicking the OW clear out of my life. I don't wish her on anyone else. She is a psycotic person who needs help but I know she will not appreciate that help coming from me. <p>You need to read up on the stuff here at mb. Get to a counselor ASAP. Strenghten yourself then you will be in a better position to help your wife, when she is ready to let you help her. <p>Her words may hurt and her actions will hurt even more. Know this will happen and be prepared. It lessens the impact but it will still be a shaker upper. <p>I think your W has a much deeper problem. She may not even realize what it is. Your questions may not help her either. A 3rd party (such as a counselor) or talking with a good friend may help. Unfortunately you may not be the one she can open up to. <p>Think about it, if your W needed to talk look where she went......to other men. Hm.. my H did the same thing yet with us they clam up. Why? Not sure. We can better ourselves and make ourselves more appealing. They have to open their eyes and see it for themselves. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hi Ifionleynew:<p>I think one of the gray areas of MB is this problem with multiple A's...although MB principles I think can be very effective with the ordinary marriage where neglect of EN's have resulted in the WS making the mistake of an A to get those needs met instead of addressing the problems within the marriage, I think that there are marriages in which one partner has a personality problem that has little to do with the other partner and where no amount of EN meeting will be sufficient to cure the problem.<p>Now I not saying that this is the problem in your marriage...you may very well have neglected EN's in your marriage...to the extent that you really do need to do some work to draw your wife back to you. Only you can know how you have failed to meet EN's. If you feel this is the case, then MB principles should help you to begin to repair this damage....and restore your marriage. Reading all the information that has been recommented will be a good start, and then continue to come here and post and learn through the experiences of others.<p>In dealing with multiple A's though I think it is especially important that the WS get some couseling so that she has an independent source that will not allow her to make excuses for her bad behavior and will try to deal with whatever lies at the base of her problem....because a person who tries to deal with her problems by self-medicating herself with other men probably needs more help then you can give her.<p>I wish you luck and pray that your wife truly wants to get your marriage back together...with your help. If she does, you've made a giant step towards doing so.<p>Faye