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I experienced nearly all that I have read so far, so I'll only add what happened to me this time that no one else mentioned.<p>D-day night I was in such agony when everyone was sleeping, I went prostrate on the floor, crying and begging God to release me from the pain. When that didn't work, I almost got a knife from the kitchen to take to H and beg him to stab me in the heart with it because it couldn't possibly hurt more than what he'd already done to me.<p>I eventually got up and paced and paced and paced and ended up banging my head as hard as I could on every hard surface I could find. I wanted to feel ANYTHING other than what I was feeling! I think I had some idea that if I could make my outside hurt as much as my inside it might balance out or neutralize somehow. I also was hoping I would knock myself unconscious and be able to escape the pain that way. All I did was raise huge knots on my head and give myself a headache that lasted for days.<p>What hurt even worse was that while I was banging my head on all the door frames and it seemed so loud and was shaking the entire house, H slept like a baby, oblivious to my agony and self-abuse. I told him about it the next day and that if I ever got that far gone again, he would have to leave because I would not allow myself to fall apart like that again since someone had to protect me and the kids and it obviously was not going to be him.<p>A week or two later the rage hit again, but I turned it outward that time and got the biggest hammer I could find and a 2 x 6 in the backyard and banged the holy living you-know-what out of that board. I splintered it to pieces and nearly lost the head off the hammer. When H asked me what the heck I was doing, I told him I was doing what was necessary to keep from using the hammer on his head because he just didn't get it. He punished me with the silent treatment and cold shoulder for days afterward.<p>I haven't been violent since and now mostly just have the sorrow and resignation that he simply doesn't care how I feel, just as it was before the A, only now I have to carry the pain of the A on top of all the rest.<p>There is a bright spot, however. Precipitating the A was my grief process over the emotional loss of my older children (a painful estrangement and a LONG story). This was why I was not meeting H's ENs pre-A. Little did I know that I and my younger children were in more danger from H than from my older children I was keeping at a distance, so I no longer hold them accountable for anything they did, so I expect to be reconciled to my older children and my grandchildren soon. And if H, who totally rejected them, objects, then he can take a hike because nothing they have ever done to our family can compare to what he did.<p>In trying to forgive him, it has made it easy to forgive everyone in my life (including my ex-H, a NON-former BS cheater) because H has done the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Everything else pales in comparison. So the rest of my life and relationships are just dandy!<p>Conqueror<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

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It's been a long time since that particular period of my life. I try not to remember it, because in retrospect, it was probably the worst kind of hurt that I had ever experienced. Nothing - not the death of my best friend, my grandmother's death, or the death of anyone who I had dearly loved - even came close. I never knew that kind of emotional horror existed.<p>I never really wanted to end it all, but I found myself wishing that I were someone else - anyone else, it didn't matter. I just didn't want to be *me* and have to endure the situation.<p>I felt cold all of the time, and panicky ... as though I could never see what the next day would bring. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what was in my future, aside from getting up the next day and going to work.<p>I was stunned. That's a rather weak descriptor. Ever have something happen to you and it's so traumatic that you cannot cry? I was in a head-on car accident once when I was married to my first husband - he was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I remember being pried out of the bottom of the car. I was so shaken and distressed, I couldn't even make a word. Couldn't talk, couldn't scream, couldn't cry, couldn't walk. I was simply immobile. I felt like that a lot of the time. In fact, it was a very long time before I allowed myself to cry about it. I was subsequently treated by a psychiatrist for post-traumatic stress disorder and major depression. <p>I guess the worst part of it was that it felt like a divorce. Not on paper, but in my heart. And that's all that counts. One day I woke up and contemplated the jagged rifts of that separation - my love for my H (what remained), torn right down the middle - and realized that the split was irrevocable, and there was little hope, aside from my H doing everything according to the MB principles right down the line, for my ever feeling truly close to him again, in any way, shape or form. <p>I couldn't stand to be reminded of anything having to do with our marriage. I put up all of my pictures of H, our wedding album, the announcements, etc., so I couldn't see them. I still haven't taken them out. Because since I felt the rift, there has never been a sense of healing. H did not do all of the things in MB to assure me. Thus, things only got worse for me. <p>If I had to describe what it felt like to be me, I'd have to say that it felt like I'd been jettisoned into deep space in a tiny spacecraft. Never to return to earth again. Utterly alone, with no one to touch, to talk to, to reach out to ... there were people laughing and loving and enjoying life somewhere, but I was millions of miles away from them ... just the cold night and the stars above me. <p>Still feel like that a lot.<p>belld

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by belldandy:
<strong> Ever have something happen to you and it's so traumatic that you cannot cry?
belld</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I hear you! When Andrew passed away, I didn't have a really good cry for at least 3 weeks. Prior to that, I would have watery eyes, but not enough to count as crying. <p>And then 6 months later, after having kicked H out of the house... sheesh! It took me a good 2 months before I shed a tear over him!! I had managed to convince myself that Andrew was the only thing worth crying over. Somehow that helped me to keep my cool during my plan A.<p>Thanks belldandy... I had forgotten that part of it all. Perhaps it was just such a shock overload.<p>Karen

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The BS discovery feelings are indescribable.<p>
  • Disbelief
  • Panic
  • Despair
  • Horror
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Extreme anxiety
  • Shock
  • Helplessness
  • Uncontrollable emotions
  • Self loathing & blame
<p>I felt dead inside and that everyone knew what I was going thru by just looking at me. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I have no idea what the world events were during the really bad time. No eating or sleeping for a very long time. Constantly cried uncontrollably. Felt worthless and in a panic all the time. I paced at home, almost wore out the carpet. I was quite ill at the time and I sunk into a deep depression.<p>At one point I was driving myself home from a Radiation treatment and I couldn't determine if I was on the correct side of the freeway or not, pulled over and called my counselor, I was borderline hysterical, she helped me get home safely. What a frightening feeling. I was certain I was losing my mind. I wanted to die. Diagnosed as clinically depressed, guess there were too many bad things at once, and, of course, my H did not care. Said I was an inconvenience.<p>I will never forget how bad it was, and anyone here that is going thru it now, my heart goes out to you.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

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Dear God, Belldandy. You described how I felt. In deep space all alone, no one could reach me. I felt ostracized, and everyone else was living life and experiencing joy. <p>Jo

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jd's thoughts got to me. For me, when the terroist attacks happened on Sept. 11th, I was strangely unaffected. I mean I was shocked and dismayed, but my heart was so familiar with brokenness from months of pain and grief, that it couldn't get any worse. I felt guilty for awhile - watching the reaction of the rest of the country grieve the way they did. Maybe I should look at it another way - I had been hiding in the arms of God for awhile, so when terror struck I was already clinging to The Source of all comfort.

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I'll tell you, I've read through this thread 3 or 4 times today, and EACH TIME I have been moved to tears. <p>It is the most horrible experience I have ever gone through - acute horid. I cried so hard that my entire body ached. I wanted to be dead. <p>The sick part about it all, is my husband called social services to tell them I was suicidal the day before "d" day. He planned on telling me, and KNEW what my reaction would be. Rotten &*)*&!<p>Makes me angry all over again. Tears, sadness and then angry. It is just such INJUSTICE!<p>We will never forget those moments of despair. Never. We have joined the club of "acute horid experiences". I would rather be tortured than to experience that again.<p>WHERE IS THE EMOTICON for tears? Where?

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I can only describe it as a my inner light going out inside me. I was dead inside from the time my now STBX let me know he wanted to leave, D-day 6 wks later don't know when I started feeling like I was living again. I do from Fed till May of this yr I felt like that again, it was only in June when I knew everything was over I felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. Now there are days I feel sad again but nothing like the overwhelming despair. My heart broke, then it broke it several more times. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the OW. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

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My feelings were numb. I was in shock. I walked around like a zombie. My body went into the shock mode. I went to work, cared for my son, took care of the household items, managed my staff through a very hard year end, had a misscarriage, etc. I learned of the A by listening to the voicemail on H's cell phone. He guarded it like it was worth a million bucks. Well when he left it on the table that night (after our return from visiting the M counselor where H talked a lot but no mention of the A). I was numb. Then I was angry. <p>With me being in pain and anger made me focus more on fixing it. I wanted to get to the bottom of it and move on. I immediately called for help. Our elders came over the next day. I called the counselor and made plans to move forward. H was in his daze now that the A was exposed (not within his control), he was thrown for a bit. He and OW thought they had everything planned out. I spoiled their plans but did not know it at the time. OW was also using her prego scare and the WS was running with it big time. Remember this is the OW that 'never lies'. Hm..... through it all I managed to keep my sense of humor. My love for God and my family. My son became my strength. Love for God was put to the test and I felt that the Devil was winning. That made me more focused on getting control back in my life. <p>Amazing as it sounds through it all I still wanted my H back. Why? We both are amazed that I did not just throw him out. Many who knew me automatically assumed I would just kick him out. Believe me, I wanted to. The pain I suffered began to take it's toll. I believe my tolerance level is high but no one should let themselves get so runned down that they want to end it all. When that became a consuming thought in my mind, I knew I needed help. How would I get it without being thrown in the hospital? It was hard. <p>Many of you here may not realize how much you helped me. I did not post all my thoughts and feelings (though I did post a lot) when this was happening. Many a night, MB helped me through it all. When I didn't think I could go on, a word, thought or even deed helped me. I remember the night H2U sent me that cyber luau. I cried and cried. I was happy he sent it and kept crying. <p>Fatherof1Husbandof0 and Dana encouraged me with the 5 stages of grieving. Bramble Rose, Cheryl, sing, Faith, Zorweb, CAli, Topie, Wat, Rick37, Jo, hopelessinAZ,hopelessmom, mtthrbard, k, terri, hbh, H2U, Bitsy Perserving and many others kept me going when I thought I couldn't take another step. <p>I found an inner strength I did not know I had. I also found inner peace. I did learn that all the excuses and reasons meant little unless the real cause was identified and worked on. In my case before anything could happen, I needed to get the OW out of my life. She was a cancer to me. Killing me a little more with each passing day. I had to stop her at all costs. Even if it meant losing my H. I realized that and it scared me. <p>Regardless of my fears, I had to do it for me to move on. Once the real issue surfaced then I could prioritize, deal with issues and move forward. <p>For the most part now, OW is out of our life. Her sporatic calls are going down. Like the future terrorist attacks, I anticipate that the OW will try to initate contact again. <p>Whether the Ws wants to go out and do the dirty deed again or not, I know I can't play that game anymore. I should have never started that game. <p>I have learned to tolerate less. I am a beter person for learning to do less. <p>L.

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There is nothing I can add to what as already been said to describe this horrible time in a spouse's life. After being married 29 yrs and discovering my then spouse was having an affair, I almost committed suicide, and if it wasn't for my children, I may have gone through with it.
I know the OW, who my ex is still with, previously had a relationship where that person actually cheated on her! If she experienced any of the pain when she discovered his unfaithfulness, why would she knowingly take up with a married man and inflict the same pain on another woman? That I will never understand. I know she reads posts here all the time, and I'm hoping one day, she may respond and tell her story!

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db713,<p>Ever hear that saying "Misery likes Company"?<p>IMVHO, it may be possible that because the OW in your case KNOWINGLY knew what pain you would suffer, she intentionally targeted a married man to prove to herself she TOO could steal someone else'e husband. I see it as a sick twisted attempt at building her self esteem.<p>She has major issues, that imminently one day, she will be forced to deal with, God help her.<p>As for your H? Well, he will one day see her for what she truly is.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

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That's what multiplied and magnified my pain even more this time than with my previous H--the fact that this H claimed he was the BS in his previous M. So he knew what he was inflicting on me and did it anyway. When I think about that and the STD he gave me, I wonder at my sanity for remaining in this relationship. I will never believe he loves me. I couldn't do to ANYONE what he's done to me.<p>I think the main reason I remain is because my ex-husband became so much worse when I divorced him and has done everything he can to hurt me ever since. I don't think I could survive another, even meaner ex-husband in my life. I feel trapped with no way out to any hope of a decent life.<p>Conqueror

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H2O just posted some of this thread and I had missed it since I didn't find MB until 2003. It says it all as to how adultery affects a person.
Thanks H2O.

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