I know many here will think that I am crazy & this may be the ultimate to finally show that I am an eternal complainer. I know this is an entirely different perspective than normal, but I have a concern that my W wants to have sex too much. This is why I feel a little guilty in complaining & I'm not actually complaining, it just has me a little concerned.
Up until January of 2000 we averaged having sex about 4 times a year. And it wasn't because I did not try -- I tried a lot. January of 2000 is when she went on this mission to make changes -- loose weight & enjoy sex -- by June or July we were having sex in the evening and in the morning, 3 - 4 days a week, then it got to be just about every day. The problem is that she started having sex with two other guys, [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] -- in retrospect I can see that with the A's, this increased her appetite. She said she enjoyed our S the most after she had been with one of them! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
I have firm believe that there are some sexual addiction issues here (I know it may seem obvious, but many people will argue that reality). In the last couple months I had tried to scale back, and did not initiate many evenings; still averaged 6 out of 7 mornings -- with occasional two fors (on weekends).
In the last week she has become more affectionate & respectful towards me & the sex has become more "Love Making" than before (with the affection). The last couple evenings she has initiated in the evening & the night before I resisted -- hugged and held, but my brain just could not get the sex act into gear (like I'm getting a little wore down here [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) She was disappointed, so yesterday morning I had extra time & we went for an hour session -- This is what makes me a good co-dependent! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] (don't ask me how I last that long sometimes - I don't think I have much semen left!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) Last night with her initiations I obliged -- once it gets started I get into it & it is very enjoyable, but I have this initial reservation because I have in the back of my mind that I'm going to run out of juice, so to speak (some performance anxiety starts to creep in). I am also starting to wonder if she is getting additional stimuli from outside or if I'm not adequately meeting her needs here --each session typically last around 40 minutes, sometimes a little longer, but it is truly rare for a session to last less than 20 minutes & she says she an "O" -- the few times she does not have O, she says it was very enjoyable.
One thing she said was a reason she had A's was that the encounters were "exciting" -- a game & she has shared a lot about these encounters & they were very lustful! -- I wonder how long I can hold up while she is in this phase?! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
You may know my story & know that I'm trying hard to work on focusing on me & not trying to fix my wife. Perhaps this is why I have found her genuinely more affectionate. It is to this extent that I have joined a 12 step support group designed for S of people with SA. She seems to have just recently opened up a little to almost admit that SA may be an issue (she considered soon after D/D, but has sense been in denial. I want to be careful that I don't get too aggressive with the idea that she needs lots of help for fear I might push her back into deep denial. On the other hand, I have a fear things may be getting worse with her seemingly endless urges for sex?! And I don't want to not be open to more than one approach here.
I am trying to cover all the bases here & I will to keep doing the 12 step healing for myself,(and a big part of that strategy is to not focus on S!), but I am wondering if I should also be looking into other approaches or strategies or alternatives for my DW?
With her new "affectionate" approach & her initiations & she has sensed some reservations on my part, she has made suggestion that I am the one starting a problem - like "Isn't this how you want me to be?" I don't think I want to ask her if she has become more aggressive because of outside stimulus. At times when I have show some reserve, she has mildly suggested that she could go back to the way she used to be. Do you get the idea she using sex as a means to manipulate?
This whole post was prompted by my reading a post about an unhealthy concern for one's body image. She is obsessed with youthful look -- constant exercise & skips a lot of meals & sometimes vomits (she'll of course deny any symptoms of balemia, saying the vomiting is involuntary!) -- if she goes above 130 lbs., it is like panic city!! She is around 5'5" -- She keeps coming back to my body image a lot as well -- PA would be high on her EN list -- I've lost around 25 lbs. since D/D, but I'm still not skinny.
I have not vented lately & I don't feel I am here & I'm not distressed, but I know all is not normal!! I would certainly welcome your thoughts or any ideas.
Peace be with you,
HH

HH,<p>I read the first paragraph and was just thinking - don't complain man [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Too much sex, that's the thing of dreams my friend [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy

Wow HH,<p>I got tired just reading your post. 6 - 7 times a week x twice a day? whew!! You don't need to excercise!! <p>My H told me of 1 woman he met that she is married and her H sleeps on the recliner. He is a ranking law enforcement officer in a nearby city and she does officers on his force.... H says she is an older woman who is never satisfied. She even wears out the guys..... Now does her H know what she is doing? Don't know. she probably needs to be locked up. She is living pretty dangerously. Her H is no small guy. She seems to like living on the edge. Why these women like to treat themselves and their H's so disrespectfully is beyond my comprehension. But here is a real life example. <p>L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>Wow HH,<p>But here is a real life example. <p>L.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Good to hear from you, thanks for stopping bye!<p>It is a condition or ailment of sorts, where the sexualcharge is like a drug that gives the person a high, an escape. Most people have extreme difficulty accepting some of theconsquences of this kind of thing -- like the fact that it can grow to tke over a person's waking thoughts & actions -- it can be pretty much like alcholism, drug addiction or gambling compulsion or an eating disorder. Person ultimatly has real difficulty in cpntroling behavior or activity -- drug of choice!
I'm just going to try & enjoy & work on myself, take one day at a time!
The scary part is that I believe she thinks she has this under control & is only active with me, but I'm not so sure she has control over this & with the next strong, (mild or any?), temptation she could fall again. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Peace be with you.
HH<p>Ochid,

Well I am just putting my experience in here, take it for what it's worth.<p>I had a similar experience, though not as frequent as you, but the sex was MUCH more frequent after the A. For a while. Others have found the same thing here. <p>I don't know why it happens, and it is disconcerting for the BS, cos you wonder what is going on in the head of the WS. BUT.....it happens to be an EN of hers right now, and you should be meeting it if at all possible. From my experience, it does settle down again...I would not be thinking your wife has a sudden sex addiction. I think it is much more simple than that. But I just don't know what [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

HH,<p>You are too funny, dude! Complaining about too much sex?? haha You should have it so rough!<p>Seriously though, I went through a similar thing that started when I hit 41. I NEVER really liked sex before in my whole life. My H and I had sex about 4-5 times a year only when I couldn't put him off anymore. It was an endurance thing with me. <p>THEN after that marriage ended in 1999 and I was engaged to a new man, I COULD NOT GET ENOUGH! I suddenly had a VORACIOUS appetite and was absolutely OBESESSED with sex. For the first time in my life I knew how 18 year boys felt. <p>I also had lost alot of weight just after my H left [Atkins diet plus killer workouts]. And suddenly I was ACUTELY AWARE of my appearance and the appearance of others. I noticed good looking, sensual men and women. It became extremely important to me. I would look at other women to see what kind of clothes, make up, etc they wore. I completely changed my appearance with a new wardrobe, sexy underwear, younger looking hair, nice manicure. I became "hot." [not sleazy, though!]<p>Anyway, things are finally simmering down now somewhat after 2 1/2 years [we are down to 5X a week]. But I have often thought that my newly found sexual obsession was the result of PHYSICAL hormonal changes that happen in 40something women. There is no other explanation that I can think of. I do know that many of my girlfriends have all gone through a similar surge in sexuality so I wonder if this is not what your wife is going through. I view this surge of hormones as God's plan for a last Hurrah gift to 40 something women who are approaching menopause.<p>Dana<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>