This issue came up for me sufficiently last night, that I got a new user name. I've posted here under another name, but since my husband sometimes reads here, I need "anonymous" help. If you figure out who I am, please keep it to yourself [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sorry that this is so long before I get to the point. Apologies in advance, and appreciation for your reading and offering feedback.<p>Every Autumn, we go through this seasonal affective disorder phase that just makes me cringe and has me ready to run for the door. Husband becomes sullen, angry, verbally abusive - lovebusting out his ears. The world revolves around him; it doesn't matter that anyone else might not be having the best of days. "He's the only one who suffers like he does" - to quote or paraphrase the operating belief he lives by. <p>Last night he came home after being stuck in traffic for two hours, and came in with a blood sugar crisis (there were snacks in the back of the car that he ignored). I had dinner in the oven keeping warm for him. He ignored it and was getting his own dinner. Son had the misfortune of not reading his father's mind and crossed his path in the kitchen. <p>He became extraordinarily angry when I imposed limits on his abuse of our child. He claims that I'm always standing up for our son and blaming him. He screamed about how son has no respect for him, and while he's ranting I'm having this sense of "Well I wonder why!" [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's one thing to subject myself to an annual 12 to 16 weeks of massive depression. It's entirely another to let that hit my son every year. <p>I'm recognizing the cycle. I also know how guilt plays in a child's mind because I remember how it played in my own. I sat my son down while his dad took his evil spew downstairs away from us. Son was crying and blaming himself for Dad's yelling at his mother. I helped him study the thought pathway that left him vulnerable to that. (He's nearly 10 years old, and since he carries the gene for bi-polar disorder, it's likely that he will have to deal with mood disorders in himself or his children.) We got down to the fact that son had disobeyed his mother and was undoing the wrong when he crossed his father's path. I asked him if that made him feel like it was all his fault. He nodded his head and I encouraged him to separate his behavior from his parents' behavior. I said, "Just because two things happen at the same time, doesn't mean the one caused the other." I asked him if a child was jumping on the ground when an earthquake hit could possibly be responsible for the earthquake. He laughed and laughed at that absurdity. I then said that him thinking that he was the cause of his father being angry was just as crazy.<p>Thank heaven he GOT it!<p>Now if I could just get his father to "get it" that there isn't a marriage as long as he behaves like a child. He keeps trying to get me to make allowances for the illness. But that's like asking a sociopath to continue his life of crime, just because he can't help himself. If he wants allowances, there are institutions for people like that. If he wants to live in the free world, then he will have to overcome the limitations his illness cause. <p>Now where was I going with this on a Marriage Builder's Board? Oh! I read Adrian's post about the OW situation in her life, and recognized that mental illness does in fact play a factor in whether a marriage is recoverable. <p>And now for my question: Does anyone have suggestions for living with a mentally ill spouse, and NOT love-busting during the bad phases?

Hi,<p>You will be happy to know, first of all, that I don't have a clue in the world about who you are! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Okay, I have SAD... and aside from the obvious thing that would help more than anything (moving to a year-round, sunnier area [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) it was suggested to me that I do the following:

• Get broad spectrum lights
  Exercise
  Take anti-depressants from November 'till May

Now, I suppose that you already know this, right??<p>Here's my concern about your post: the abuse issues.<p>It sounds like this is much more than the SAD that I live with. Yes, I get depressed, and yes, I cry, and yes, I'm a woman and maybe it manifests itself in different ways than it does with men, but abusive behavior has never been an earmark for this disorder - that *I* know of... has he been to a doctor and been diagnosed?<p>I believe that abuse is real, and deadly, and should not be ignored. Until he can either use therapy and/or meds to control his outbursts, I think you and your son need to be safe.<p>Please, take care... and I hope some others will be by to offer you some ideas.<p>I do offer my caring support!!

I don't know who you are either, but Sheryl is right. <p>I don't understand why he was making his own dinner when you had dinner in the oven? Was his insulin reaction that bad that he couldn't think - or was it that he was just being a pain on purpose? <p>Most WS are emotionally abusive, this is for sure. It is why we call it the fog. <p>Adrian's husband certainly has suffered from depression - a mental illness - but it clear to me that he is exhibiting typical WS fog behavior right now - mixed in with the depression - and mixed in with coping with the death of loved ones - and dealing with a daughter who is way more involved in his fathers affair that she should be. <p>I think you were VERY wise to help your son differentiate the issues - that was very good. <p>Now, do you think that your husbands diabetic reaction is a separate issue? You know best.<p>My SD is diabetic, and when she gets low her behavior is totally unpredictable - usually she is violent. I always thought it was an act, but it has consistently been this way for the last 12 years or so - since I've known her. She will cuss people out in German (she's only had 1 year of german!) and she will run around the house chasing the other kids (when she was younger, she's now 22) and she will kick and scream! <p>Well, don't know if I was any help or not - but just want you to know that we care.
TnT

Thanks for the pointers. He did agree to go to the doctor; I have a flex-spending plan which would cover broad spectrum lights if they are prescribed by a doctor. <p>As for the exercise, I'm a little frustrated. I work full time. He's home alone A LOT! And he's not inclined to do anything that isn't structured. He hates the cold and hates my HealthRider. Doesn't like aerobics' videos. <p>I believe that my very intelligent husband does not engage his brain when he's hypoglycemic. Being stuck on that particular stretch of road for two hours in road-rage-**** (everybody late for their favorite football game) will unhinge the most sane people if they don't have some good coping strategies planned out before-hand. <p>I nearly booted him out last May after a verbal abuse episode. I came here instead. It has really been a great help. But when the mental illness kicks in, it kind of feels like trying to build a marriage while something beyond either of our control is kicking out the supports. <p>We'll try the lights and see how they work. I'm shopping for a treadmill on Saturday. <p>His verbal abuse hasn't turned violent. And I think after last May I'm very serious about the verbal abuse. In fact, he'd been so good that his outburst was shocking to me. <p>Then I realized that two years ago, after I went back to work for someone else instead of working in a self-employed situation, he went through this same spiral. Last year wasn't as bad, but it was still rough. Always happens around the change to daylight standard time. It freaks him out to be in the dark at 5 in the afternoon.

Hi! I don't know who you are either! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't know a lot about SAD other than the fact that I tend to be more depressed during the winter.<p>I do know about hypoglycemia though! (I'm one of those! LOL)<p>Sometimes I can tell when my blood sugar is dropping and I can eat something and be fine. Other times, it drops rapidly and it takes forever to bring it back up to normal. I get very angry at the smallest things and find myself yelling at my kids! Not such a good thing! But I can realize this later and I do apologize. Low blood sugar is a tricky thing and can cause all kinds of reactions. The key is eating right and keeping snacks on hand so that you can eat if you can tell you're getting low. Milk products are excellent (according to my doc!) The sugars in milk products tend to last longer in your body (you don't use them up as quickly). <p>Good luck!<p>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

GO MOM!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no clue who you used to be....but I just drop in every now and again.
I would like to commend you on the great job with your son. You have excellent parenting skills, and thanks for sharing them. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Now, when did you become the mother of your h?
He is a grown man, with health problems.
There were snacks in the car....no doubt placed there by you? Were you also expected to be there and feed them to him while he sat in traffic? And once he got home he could not have eaten a snack while dinner was being finished?
Instead, he CHOSE to make a meal, have a meltdown in the kitchen and create havoc for you and son.
He knows about SAD but he still needs you to encourage him to exercise to help decrease the symptoms?
There is a lot more here than SAD or hypoglycemia my friend. The lights and a new exercise machine are a good start, but perhaps a good counelor and/or meds are also in order?
H needs to go to the doc, learn about his health issues, learn how to take care of himself.
(((((hugs))))) cl

CL - thank you for your forthright response. You are right - and I used to be a lot worse. Actually though, I'm not the one who left the snacks in the car - that was his doing. He forgot during the urgency of the traffic with the pressure of the blood sugar drop. He was pretty chagrined when I reminded him about the crackers/nuts mix he'd put in the car.<p>The counseling is something he's going to need, for certain. I'm getting help for my own issues. And I'm learning how to not rescue him. I've been trained by the master black-belt of co-dependent mothers, so it's some hard-core habits I have to break here. Boundary setting has only come in the last year or so. And at a very high price. <p>Mitzi - he also apologized after he came to his senses, but he was rather surly for a couple of hours. Many times he is so out of touch with his body he doesn't recognize the signals and he forgets to eat. Thanks for the pointers on the dairy products.

P.S. In all fairness to him, I don't normally cook dinner except on weekends. So he wasn't expecting to come home and find dinner ready - and in fairness to me - he didn't listen when I told him. <p>So what grade would you give us on the communication skill side of things? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]