My wife and I have been going through some difficult times lately. I have tried everything on this site to make her feel good and appreciated to no avail. She has many hurt issues and feelings that I am trying to understand and we are starting to communicate more than we ever had. She said that she still feels nothing for me because of all the resentment that she has stored for a long time. I dream of the day when I can hug and kiss my wife and it has been a very long hard 8 months of no affection. Our therapist gave us a 5 minute exercise to do everyday so she can express her hurt feelings and resentment but she is unwilling to express these feelings. This bothers me because there is no chance of healing anything between us if she does not want to say anything. I am very lonely and feel very hurt by her lack of effert towards our relationship. I have stood by her all this time with hope of reconciling our differences and it seems out of reach. I feel that no effort means no result except a great fallout. We have been married 12 years and I love my wife dearly. Recently I have been asking myself if I am very compationate or just an idiot to hang on with no end in site? She also feels that her life has been a waist and she said that she is searching for something but she does not know what it is. This is very painfull and I hurt all the time. All the distancing and lack of affection is really taken a toll on me as a man and I am very frustrated towards her. I hope that these feelings are normal and that I am not going crazy. I just want her to come back to me as my wife, and the anger and sadness will disapear quickly when she responds to me. I ask myself often, how long does it take? 8 months is a long time to be put aside like a DOG. She said that she is so absorbed by herself that she does not even think about me and this also hurts. She never appreciates what I do around the house to help out and pick up the slack. Her therapist has to remind her to say thank you and this just shows how much I mean to her right now. I hurt to the core and I need some advise on how to cope with all the distancing and the lack of attention towards me. HELP ME.<p>Slopoke.

Hi slopoke,<p>Man, I hear your pain. I'm so sorry.<p>You know this already, but the only person you can work on is yourself. Have you been doing things for you? <p>Did you know that Plan A is as much for you as it is for her? It's about making yourself the best man you can be, so that she has a safe place to go (your marriage, hopefully)... <p>You sound so tired... and how well I understand it!!<p>Maybe now is the time to stop doing what you were doing -- do something else instead. Do you know what her top 5 EN's are? Do you know what she considers to be LB's? If she hasn't filled out the questionnaires, you could fill them out as you think she would and possibly find that you've been meeting the wrong needs!<p>Don't give up!! I know it's so hard when you're so tired and feeling beat up emotionally...<p>Take care,

I am so sorry that you feel this way.<p>You've been going to counseling, is it a therapist that was referred to you by the web-site? <p>Maybe if the exercise isn't working - then something different has to be done. <p>Has your wife filled out an emotional needs questionaire? I would start there - maybe you are busy trying to meet her needs - but maybe the work you are expending is on the wrong needs. With marriage-builders principles, you work on the needs that are the priority.<p>There are other principles to restoring love to this marriage on this site. One of them is the principle of lovebusters. <p>When you are meeting your wife's needs, you are making deposits into a lovebank - and when you aren't meeting her needs - it is a lovebuster. Lovebusters are withdrawals from the lovebank. <p>What is a lovebuster, exactly? Well, your spouse determines what they are. There are questionaires for couples to help you navigate through this on the site - but most lovebusters derive from selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, etc. <p>I am so sorry that your marriage has gotten to this point. It didn't happen overnight, did it? It won't get better overnight - but the principles within marriage-builders do work, to help couples restore their love.<p>You posted on the infidelity forum, is this where all this resentment is coming from? Is your wife clinically depressed? Is she taking any medication? It sometimes can help.<p>Hang in there and learn all you can!
TnT

Dear Slopoke,<p>You sound like a giver that is not appreciated. I understand that feeling because that is how my H treated me. Did he mean to? Well OW wanted him to but even before that he treated me that way. <p>What I learned, is that in some cases the more I did the less he appreciated it. So I learned that less is more. Doesn't make sense to most people but to some in the fog, it does. To my H it did. So now I do less and he appreciates it more. <p>I am still trying to figure that logic out but since there seems to be none, I am reconciling myself to just doing less. Have I confused you? Don't worry, I was confused also. <p>Me? I would like more. More attention, more assistance, more assurance, wow, my taker is deficient big time. But in order for me to get more I need to do less. hm...... ok, but I am finding it real hard. Yes, I am a workaholic. I usually keep very busy. Keeps me out of trouble. Guess that is another big difference between us. H likes to move slowly. That is why your name caught my attention. H even calls himself slo-man. <p>Hm...... Just my thoughts. <p>L.

Hi Slopoke,
I'm sorry for your pain and for the state that your M is in. I know it's hard. You know maybe you have got to worry about yourself a little more. I gather from your post that you go out of your way to try to please your wife. Slow down a litle. I know you are hurt and need some affection & reassurance from her but it doesn't sound as though she is ready to give it to you yet. Please take some time for you. Do something for yourself aren't you worth it? I think so. You say that you and your W see a therapist does he practice MB principles?
Good luck to you and your wife slopoke keep plan A'ing. Take care.
C

You post sounds like the position I'm in and the steps I've taking. Since my D-Day (which was 5 days ago), I've an concerted effort to make things as pleasant as possible between us, but still ask question about the A and explain the boundaries I now need her to live within until the trust returns. Fortunately, she has be receptive, but without the emotional support I so desperately need. We are both now in counsoling (not together). I know I have to heal myself and my W must deal with her problems before anything between us can mend. Stay strong.

I appreciate all the replies that I have recieved. I am very tired of being just here with nothing given to me. I just through a surprise Birthday party for her tonight and now she is sleeping. She did not even say thank you! I had a clown show up and everything to make her feel that she is very special. Maybe tomorrow she will respond to me? Who really knows what the next day will bring. I know deep in my heart that I love my wife but I am almost ready to say the hell with it all. I am tired of being alone and I need some affection just to carry me through. This is so hard and I have almost had enough. We are going to celebrate her Birthday on Wednesday and if there is no response to what I am going through, or any signs of improvement ! I will have to end it. 8 months is long enough as far as I am concerned. I need to get on with my life and be fullfilled. It is to bad that it is at this stage because I love her so much but I see no progress at all and enough is enough. I hurt so bad that I can not be with her and even hug her on her Birthday. She is really pissing me off. I just want to be with her(crying) and this is so hard, that I feel so unwanted and alone. I hate this so much!
slopoke.

((((((((slopoke))))))))))))<p>I feel your pain, too.<p>Just wanted you to know that.<p>Take care,<p>Love and light,<p>Jackty

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by slopoke:
<strong>I appreciate all the replies that I have recieved. I am very tired of being just here with nothing given to me. </strong><hr></blockquote>
Expect nada in plan A ...<p>[Quote]<strong>I just through a surprise Birthday party for her tonight and now she is sleeping. She did not even say thank you! I had a clown show up and everything to make her feel that she is very special. Maybe tomorrow she will respond to me? Who really knows what the next day will bring.</strong>[quote]
expectation = disapointment, just monitor your progress.<p>As other expressed, Her EN might not include domestic support thus no $$$$ deposited in LBank. And you sound like puting some demand on her, it could be LB for her. Guess if you have to for her EN ...

Is she on anti depressents. Sounds to me like she is depressed.<p>Keep on Plan A and in time hopefuly she will come around.<p>
Stay strong

Sorry but I am confused. Has there been an affair?

Yes there was an affair. She said that because she had no feelings for me that it should be not a big deal. She has been going through a rough time earlier in the summer and she decided to go on a vacation to the US to get away. She had been talking to a guy on the internet and I experessed concern and she said that I would have to trust her. I reached real deep to find the trust to support her on her trip. Well she did sleep with him and she feels that he is not involved in our problems. As far as I am concerned he is part of the problem. What bothers me is that I had to reach down real deep to find the trust for her and this happend. I feel so betrayed and hurt. She has not even kissed me for 8 months but she could sleep with someone else 2 months ago. I hurt so bad and she said that she had feelings for him and that she see's me as a brother instead of her husband. I have been waiting 8 months for any type of affection. There has been none. I don't know how long I can wait for her. I feel so alone and I want to be intimate with a woman. There is such a large hole in me now, and I am desperate for that type of affection. We have talked about divorce and she does not believe that I am willing to see a lawyer. I showed her some paperwork yesterday which states what we are both intitled too. She could not believe that I have already visited a lawyer. We go to couple councelling and she does not want to do the exercises for homework. I am fed up with her lack of will. We have been married for 12 years and she can not see the problems that divorce will cause. I talked to our two daughters last week ( 7 and 9), and explained that things were not going well and that we may get a divorce. The whole house erupted and the tears were flowing. My wife said that I did it to hurt her. I said that the girls have a right to know what is going on. My wife's lack of will to work on this tells me that things are over. It hurts me deeply that she is not even willing to try together. It actualy pisses me off! She has so many issues from us and from her childhood that she has become overwhelmed by it all. I have had just about enough. I have to get on with my life. I love her so deeply and she cares about nothing She has medical problems as well and she does not realize the consequences of ending things. She is also affraid that nobody will want her. I keep telling her that I want her and that I desire her. She is also afraid of being alone and she feels that she is just using me and I feel this too. I have tried all the MB things to no avail. I want to keep trying but it has been 8 months of total neglect with infidelity and alot of pain. I need some advise, how long do I have to wait to recieve some kind of response?<p>Slopoke.

Slopoke,<p>Question here, your wife sounds very much like she's having similar feeling to what I've been going through for the last year. In short, that's depression. I was feeling disconnected from my feelings, I didn't care about my wife, my job, I didn't care to show any affection or be intimate physically, I didn't want to engage in conversation, or any of my hobbies. I didn't want to visit people. Basically, it was as if I were literally dead inside.<p>Does any of that sound familiar?<p>For me it took something so profound in my life to wake me up.....my W engaged in a PA. But I truly don't think it would have taken THAT much. Sure, she mentioned once in a while that maybe I should see a therapist, but she never went that extra mile to help me (and now I resent her for that). She could have set up an appointment w/ a therapist FOR me, and then told me about it, or offered to do it, or drive me to it....ANYTHING but the nothing she chose.<p>After D-Day, I immediately got on anti-depressants and in the several weeks since, a HUGE weight has been lifted from my soul. I can FEEL for the first time in a year. I WANT again, I NEED again.<p>Please explore this possibility.<p>Kev

Hi slopoke. I feel like I was reading my post (see my new post 11/10 9:58 PM of my story). I feel for you and I know exactly what you are going through. My W is still in A and lying when she leaves the house. It kills me everytime. I try to stay strong for the kids. I love her so much and want her so much but she appears to not want me. I am trying to hang in there. I have the support of my M-IL and her sisters. Be strong for your daughters and do fun things with them. Whatever you do, don't walk out.<p>DD