ohmy_marie wrote in a recent thread..."Did I want to be right or be married? I wanted to be heard!" or something to that effect...<p>That has sent me on a thinking spree...<p>I too want to be heard...I've wanted to be heard for the last 15 years. I keep wondering about all the sacrafices my H has said he's made...how much he has given the 12 years of our marriage and how he just 'can't give anymore.' I keep wondering about all the stuff he says I didn't listen to...how much I didn't respect and admire him...<p>Today I let fly, in the confines of my vehicle on the way home from work, all the STUFF I have been holding in for the last six months...<p>#1. I am guilty as charged that I expected my H to contribute to the household budget with some form of job...and, yeah, I did insist that he was gainfully employed...however, I supported him in every lamebrain, hair-up-his....WHATEVER, wild idea to make money crossed his brain...I even supported him in pursuing an acting career (and have the acting classes, etc. bill receipts to prove it). He wanted to work in the movie industry? I suffered through three years of him commuting and spending MANY nights away from home in the beginning of our marriage.<p>#2. I am guilty of desiring his 'help' with the household chores...however, I didn't want to make a list for him, I didn't want to have to TELL him what had to be done and, silly me, would have liked what I DID TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED...at least as much as I fawned over every little thing he did...(and I did...I ALWAYS LET HIM KNOW how much I appreciated WHATEVER he did.)<p>#3. I am guilty of making too much money and being successful in my career. I am guilty of 'always' being right. I am guilty of emasculating him, I guess. I am guilty of planning for life and making sure that our responsibilities...like bills...were/are paid.<p>#3. I am guilty of enjoying s##...the man WAS NEVER REFUSED...EVER... I never had a 'headache.' I didn't mind being inventive. EXCUSE ME for having 3 children, working fulltime and trying to care for a house that I let 'myself' go...I didn't/don't have much of a figure...<p>#4. I am guilty of being a great cook and baker...the poor man gained about 601bs during our marriage and it is all my fault. I bought all the wrong foods and cooked too many good things...would be nice for someone to occasionally tell me that my cooking dinner after working ALL DAY was appreciated.<p>I keep thinking of all the sanctimonious rationalizations and justifications he has made about his A...<p>Poor baby...had a wife with a good career...who came home and cooked 4 nights out of 7 (minimum) and never refused him...who tried for a long time to keep up the household chores by herself...who paid the bills and kept track of the budget and finances...and, most importantly, who loved him more than life....<p>Poor spoiled baby...<p>Now, as to my part, I WILL ACKNOWLEDGE inappropriate displays of anger and temper the last 3-5 years...no good excuses...just got tired of not being heard...not being seen...the only time he seemed to respond to me was after I yelled and lost my temper.<p>Okay...This was mostly for me...theraputic stuff...comment if you like.<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: TryingAgain ]</p>

Hi TA,<p>I didn't know I had a twin sister. LOL!! It was a strong vent! I can concur. Very similar situation. Even to the acting part, but my H is into commercials. Nothing big just small parts but kinda went to his head because of his 'headshot', he sent out his pic on the internet and met OW. YUCK!!! <p>Yes, I am guilty of what you said. Overworked and underappreciated. Is there a special category for nuts like us? <p>Just wanted to give support and say I understand. Sure would like to pound some appreciation into their heads. <p>Take Care,
L.

Your post has stirred something in me to vent a little anger as well. Please bear with me. I know I haven't be the most responsive H, but I tried. I've never failed you. When things got bad between us I know I ignored it. When things got really bad between us I woke up. I worked so hard on make our life better. I got up every morning and made you lunch and breakfast. I came home and made dinner almost every night for you. I held and talked to you when you were at your deepest depression. Why didn't you wait for me? Why didn't you wait for things to get better? Why did you do this to me?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
<strong>I didn't know I had a twin sister. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Make that triplets!!! HA!!!<p>The one thing all of my family has said is, "THROW THE BUM OUT!! Good riddance! He never worked, so where in the world did he get money for a div???"<p>He DID work.....he just didn't work at the same profession continuously or as "regularly" as I did! He DID help around the house, but not regularly. When I was "too tired" he seemed disappointed, but told me "no big deal, don't worry about it." OBVIOUSLY it WAS a big deal and I SHOULD HAVE WORRIED ABOUT IT!<p>I think he sometimes lied to me about how important "things" that were left undone were to him, and I sometimes think I "enabled" him to be weak, and spineless, and bored and irresponsible.<p>BUT I WILL NOT TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS HAVING AN A. Period.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Why didn't you wait for me? Why didn't you wait for things to get better? Why did you do this to me? <hr></blockquote>
Burns, THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT!!!!!<p>Boy! This vent does feel good! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lupo

TA,<p>Ditto your vent in reference to my preious marriage. I too am quilty of being Overworked and underappreciated. What I have learned is that letting myself become overworked and underappriciated is in it self the worst thing I did in my previous marriage. It is my biggist contribution to the failure of my marriage.<p>I have realized that my parents did not know how to set proper boundaries. Therefore I never learned. This is one of the biggest struggles of my adulthood.<p>And this is why I am struggling so hard to learn how to set those boundaries in my current marriage. I find that the MB principles give me a structure to use for negotiating the boundaries. But even with that it is not easy. I do not know how to ask for what I want. When I do, after I ask a few times, I feel like I am begging and pleading.<p>What does a person do when they ask their spouse, using the His Needs/Her Needs methods for a particular thing, and their spouse does not follow through on a regular basis? Harley says that the total, radical honesty means that we must tell them over and over that they are not meeting that need.<p>As an example, when are statements like... "I meant to call/email you today but then I got so into my work that I forgot."<p>At what point do we say: "You obvioulsy do not care to meet this need of mine and I am not going to beg. Ok, I'm not going to mention this to you again." <p>How many days, weeks, months, years do we let this go on? And what does it mean to our marriage? I cannot use blackmail and threaten that I will leave, withhold sex, or do some other stupid thing if this need is not met.<p>How do I get it across without doing some major love busting. I know that if I majorly love bust it will hurt our relationship. I also know that there are needs, like the one above, that if they are not met our relationship will be damaged.<p>That is probably not the right thing to say. So what is the right thing and how do we pull it off.<p>And then what do we do with that unmet need. How do we handle the anger, frustration and hurt it causes. <p>When a spouse is being very loving and understanding in so many ways
How do we get our needs met so that we do not become Overworked and underappreciated?<p>Z [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi TA. Let it out. Very, VERY glad that you decided to vent hear instead of LB to your H.<p>You know one thing I realized? I too can come up with a list of stuff. I supported the family, my H did not work, I never denied him sex, I paid for his school, he had it made in the shade. But for everything I could say, my H had just as much to say about me. I was never home enough, I did not help out enough with the kids, I was the one that had it made because I got to go out and LIVE my life while he was stuck at home.<p>But that is my example, don't know if anyone else can relate... It's all in the perspective.<p>Keep venting here hon. Here's a big hug for you: <<<<<TTTTTTTTAAAAAAAA>>>>>>>
HbH

Just FYI for any of you that I don't have a current email for...I am J U S T P L A I N C A L I....IN HIDING....<p>As you can see by topic...I need to let some steam off and with H, OW and OW's H possibly lurking I had to take a better alias...thanks to my sister (who said it took 3 minutes to uncover C a l y p s o) and Nyneve who got the second change (C a l l i o p e) in an instant...so I'm predictable...<p>As I stated in email...I hope this is the last change for awhile.

Vent away, Orchid and I discussed this before... My H calls it controlling. But one of us had to pay the bills, buy the groceries, plan the meals, outings for the kids etc.

we'll have to come up with new multiple birth terms... I think we're at quadruplets now.<p>Yes, I so feel what you've written too.<p>Have thought an awful lot about it the past few days (I've finally moved to Plan B - had lots of extra time)<p>Excuse me for all the terrible things that I did, mostly in support of our family, many times on my own, and unfortunately it changed me over 20 years. I'm not so much fun anymore, not so light hearted anymore, not so slim and well groomed anymore, not so layed back anymore....<p>I think I am going to start another post so I don't hijack this one with the rest of my thoughts on this!<p>thanks trying again for a vent we could all share!<p>Laurie