I am having increasing difficulty playing my role in plan A. Outside I try to be the loving, playful, upbeat, affirming wife, but inside I am either drowning in despair or seething with anger. I have always been a forthright transparent person, and this duplicity is killing me. I imagine it must be a lot like what WSs go through while trying to maintain THEIR double lives.<p>I guess I feel like I'm eventually gonna blow and everything I've been stuffing inside will come blasting out. I simply cannot imagine living my life this way for an extended period of time. It gets harder every day.<p>Last night, we were doing something we always used to enjoy doing--playing along with the Newlywed Game on TV. One of the questions to the men was, "If I was single right now, I'd be ______________________." My guess for the blank was "happy" in a joking way. His answer was "dating". My inner voice reacted with, "Well, what's being single got to do with it, being married sure didn't stop you!" My inner voice reacts like this all the time to a myriad of everyday things. The A lurks behind pretty much everything he says and does.<p>I keep telling myself that MAYBE someday he will finally take responsibility for the A and allow me to let some of this pain and sorrow out without rejecting me and punishing me. But I don't see any progress toward that so far. He seems to be content with me doing what I did pre-A--doing whatever it takes to make him happy with him ignoring my feelings and my needs. I wasn't happy with that marriage either, and I like it even less that I'm expected to go back to that PLUS have the A as additional baggage to carry around.<p>I guess I'm looking for light at the end of the tunnel again, that either he will help me heal or that I'll have the strength to get out. He thinks everything's hunky-dory because I keep my mouth shut. In reading Wesse's 20 questions thread on Recovery, I think all but one person answered the question about the WS spontaneously bringing up the A and asking the BS about their feelings (the last question) with "Never". This gives me no hope in my situation.<p>Conqueror

I hear ya - felt like that before, and still do sometimes. Just hang around here and vent once in a while! We won't reject you or dismiss your pain.<p>It is very painful. But it sounds like you are doing a good job! <p>Are you seeing any results yet at all, with your new plan A behavior?<p>on the goal, on the goal, on the goal!

Halleluia!! and AMEN!<p>And it's not even that I want to be angry with him, but I'd like to make little 'jokes' off-handedly like I used to...<p>I want to feel safe and comfortable like I used to...<p>I want to believe we have a future together like I used to...

The only changes I've seen are that he gets happier, and I get more miserable. We're pretty much back where we were when we got along in the earlier days of the marriage. We got along because I did everything his way and met his needs and kept my pain and disappointment to myself. Eventually life dealt out a whole lot more pain and trouble to the point where I couldn't baby him anymore and had to work on my own survival. Then he went into affair mode. So, now I'm back where I was before, only now I have the pain of the A on top of everything else!<p>I think my hope was that after the A we would be able to start all over and do everything differently. I told him I wanted an entirely new marriage that would be satisfying for BOTH of us. I thought that he might actually have enough contrition to focus on me for a change, but that lasted only about two days, D-day and D-day+1, and it wasn't even real because he was just manipulating me. It's all gone downhill since then, and I find myself slipping into the old habits of depression and withdrawal. It's getting harder and harder to put on the mask when he's around.<p>I want what he has. I'm very jealous of him. He has someone who will love him and be faithful to him no matter how much it hurts. I've never had that, and I'll never have that. It's not fair, and I know life is not fair, but I guess sometimes I can't shake off wishing it was.<p>Conqueror

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I want what he has. I'm very jealous of him. He has someone who will love him and be faithful to him no matter how much it hurts. I've never had that, and I'll never have that. It's not fair, and I know life is not fair, but I guess sometimes I can't shake off wishing it was.
<hr></blockquote><p>
Very well said. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And sometimes you would like to just shake them and say "Listen...my love is a gift...it's not something you're entitled to...it's something you need to appreciate and return in kind...because you know what....sometimes that love can die...die from shear neglect....and you will mourn that lost...maybe not now but sometime in the future when you wake up and realize what you've lost." But you bite your tongue...and don't say the words...but you still feel it....and it hurts. <p>And he goes on his merry way...obvious of everyone's else hurt....as long as things go smoothly and you don't complain...if his needs are met then things are alright.

This is essentially the cycle of behavior that lead to the affair in the first place...his needs...his desires...his being neglected...forget that the reverse is also true...mostly your needs were not met either. This certainly is not the first instance of his being selfish...usually WS are self-oriented people anyway...if they are happy with the way they are treated in the marriage then they'll stay...if not then the door is always open for them. Someone failed to make them understand that giving and loving is a two-way street...you should not expect to get if you don't give....an a lot of WS do.<p>Sorry if I don't have much advise to give you...because I am in the struggle of my live right now...with myself...trying to pull away from just such a relationship...and it is harder on the one who loves then it is on the one who realy couldn't care less...and can't see that he stands to be the loser in the end. But please know that I understand what you are feeling and how difficult it is.<p>Keep fighting as long as you have the strength...I don't have any anymore...I'm tired...I just want to walk away.<p>Faye.

Conqueror,
It is hard in plan A ... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] but A has to die naturally. It is even harder when you co-habitat w/ WS ... sigh. Hang in there, my W strayed out on M-W-F-S night to OM. It gives me a breather but hurt like hell still. I wonder when I am in plan B how is my WW going to manage to take care of 2 D and strayed out ... let 'em have it by then, including managing her finance.
Just monitor your progress and do not expect anything back, nada !. The only thing I saw on WW is worrying about life after separation or D that she wants it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] She should ...<p>Hang in there ... and no LB ...

Dear Conqueror,<p>Thank you so much for my reply from you. It is so wonderful. I am getting a little stronger tonight, but maybe it's b/c of meds I'm taking for the depression. It is such a ride, man, that we're on. Please read my other posts. I am new at this posting thing, and have not been as clear in thougt as was in past and that's why I haven't been able this weekend to give your the response and understanding to your issue. I keep re-reading everything and it is sinking in.<p>Let me know how I can help, other than in my prayers for you.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of EVIL comes, you may be able to stand; and after having done everything, to stand. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks, everybody, for helping me hang on when I'm sinking. I'm feeling better now. We had another talk last night that could have erupted into a fight, but to H's credit, he didn't lose it and kind of reeled me back in.<p>As long as we're connected and in Intimacy I can hang on even if I'm dealing with the A all by myself on the inside, but when he pulls away from me, I start falling apart. I could feel him distancing, and finally he did express some anger. He is still harboring a lot of anger and resentment about the two years prior to the A, when I was in grief and not meeting his needs.<p>When he goes there, I end up getting angry and resentful myself because it feels like he doesn't understand that I felt just as abandoned and rejected during that time as he did. I feel the withdrawal we were in then was mutual and equal. And I think he gets angry because he doesn't think I can possibly understand how he felt because he thinks he was much more of a victim than I was. It turns into a vicious cycle, just as it was at the time.<p>So, from my perspective, we were both inflicting pain on each other during that time, and I take equal responsibility for that. However, once he went into affair mode, I take no responsibility for anything during that time. In fact, looking back at all the nice things I did for him while he was stabbing me in the back just makes me want to vomit. I guess I just really have a hard time whenever he wants to be the victim because he certainly punished me many times over for my shortcomings with the betrayal of the A, and I think I've paid in spades for my "crimes".<p>When he gets into this distancing mood (this time because I was on the computer at this board last night, and he considers my participation in internet support groups the same as an affair) and expresses disapproval of me or anger at me, I just want to leave. I got up, got dressed, and was ready to go anywhere just to get away from the unfairness of it, and with this stuff, LBing is not even a temptation because I'm simply too far gone to even bother with that.<p>Well, like I said, to H's credit, he remained calm and nonreactive to me and continued to state his desire to not reject me and to help me, so I finally settled down, got undressed, and got back in bed. I told him I thought the A was punishment enough for what I did during those two years (took care of my needs instead of his). I confessed to him that I was jealous of him and why.<p>He reassured me that he loved me, and I said that he's made it perfectly clear he doesn't love me the way I love him. (Since I took him back, he has said several times that he would NEVER take me back if the situation was reversed.) This time he amended that and said that he didn't THINK he could ever do what I'm doing if I were the one to have an A.<p>He asked, "Do you forgive me?", and I told him that I am forgiving him, but that it is a process and there are still stages we need to go through, that I am waiting for him to get through the stages and to the point where I can talk to him about the A and he can answer my questions and deal with my pain without defensiveness and dwelling on what I did that preceded the A.<p>Anyway, we made up and made love and are now back to Intimacy again, so I'm good to go until the next time I start falling apart. I just can't shake the temporary feeling of this. That all it's going to take is the next tragedy or challenge life throws at me for me to not live up to his expectations and then he'll abandon me again. I live in fear of having a health problem or an accident of some kind or anything like that that would prevent me from meeting all his needs, as it was before.<p>I think of this more as an affair than a marriage at this point in time.<p>Conqueror<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Ignore this boo-boo.<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Buffy:
"Listen...my love is a gift...it's not something you're entitled to...it's something you need to appreciate and return in kind...because you know what....sometimes that love can die...die from shear neglect....and you will mourn that lost...maybe not now but sometime in the future when you wake up and realize what you've lost." <p>Say it..and say it with love.
T

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Twyla:
<strong>Buffy:
"Listen...my love is a gift...it's not something you're entitled to...it's something you need to appreciate and return in kind...because you know what....sometimes that love can die...die from shear neglect....and you will mourn that lost...maybe not now but sometime in the future when you wake up and realize what you've lost." <p>Say it..and say it with love.
T</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Yes, I agree with Twyla,
You CAN say these thoughts. Just don't LB when you do. Make sure you are both calm, open, listening, and communicating when you do it.<p>There are exercises in SAA that can be done to help. Are you in counseling of any type? Maybe you two could talk more openly and he can take ownership of some of the hurt he caused you that way.<p>Lupo

I too get very tired of showing one face on the outside, and have rockets red glare going off in my stomach!!!!!! It is so emotionally draining. The anti-depressants helped slow the rollercoaster down. Buffy said it all as far as I'm concerned. " My love is a gift".<p>Good luck [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]