I have to ask WS's what their feelings were towards their S, after the A had ended. My W's A went on for about 3-4 months before discovery, then there was one physical contact in the last month and a handful of phone calls. <p>She now tells me that the A is over (last weekend) and she appears to be in withdrawl. She has mood swings, has told me she loves me, and the the next moment is very angry with mw and sad. She goes to bed early, by herself.<p>She said today that she's not sure if she wants to work on the M. Is she just going through severe withdrawl from the OM, if so what can I do to help, and how long will this last (1 week so far)? I am Plan A'ing like mad, but it all seems wasted.

Sounds all too familiar. D-day for us was 10/8, she moved out 10/16, and I LB'ed like crazy until 10/22.<p>Since then, I've calmed down and done my BEST Plan A (with the limited contact - dinner a couple of times per week, couple of phone calls, etc...)<p>I don't know if WS A is over or not, I was checking on them periodically in the last couple of weeks, but I don't know of any contact for probably 10 days.<p>She talks much like your WS, doesn't want to work on the M, doesn't even want to give it a chance right now, was pushing for a divorce, etc...<p>I just keep telling her that I love her, and I've not given up on the M. Some days I feel ultimately confident we'll make it because I now KNOW what kind of H I've been and WILL change that. But then other days (usually in the evenings, like now), I feel a lot of anxiety and uncertainty. Sound familiar?<p>Read all you can on this site, check out the Just Found Out board, and look into some of the books in the bookstore (Surviving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs). Work on a good Plan A, and no LB's. Plan for the day that she WANTS to work on the M.<p>Best of luck, God bless.<p>K

Kev, thanks for the input, what about WS reaction to my plan A, it just seems to infuriate her more when I'm doing all these things.<p>Seems that my meeting her EN's is a LB for her. I read HNHN and realise what she has been missing, perhaps she is angry that I'm trying to meet them now after the A, because it was the lack of this that drove her into the A.<p>So how do I meet her EN without LBsting ?

Hope I can help from the WS point of view. Yes, sometimes I get a bit resentful of all that H is trying to do. I feel a bit claustrophobic. At first he was wanting to talk, TALK, TALK... and I just couldn't talk anymore! And I suppose that NOW that the A is out in the open....of course, NOW he wants to talk (where was he the first 16 years of our marriage?!?)<p>However...what he HAS done that has helped our situation tremendously... is that he has worked on himself... reading alot...changing his anger.... treating our kids with respect... going to counselling...(sometimes i feel as if i'm getting beat up on at the counselors.....but i go too)... and little bit by little bit my heart is opening back up to him.<p>I've read before... that people fall inlove with a person because of how that person makes them feel around them... sooo, i believe if you make your spouse feel loved, wanted, safe, liked, respected... then they will want to be around you more and more. Good luck....<p>ps... i would give the spouse some space tho, as well... sometimes the space gives them time to breathe and to miss you...

CMOM's right. Work on yourself and give her a little space....don't ignore her, but a little space won't hurt. That way WS won't see you as "needy", or "clingy". Plenty of that kind of talk goes on by the WS.<p>I heard the same things from WS about "Why did it take THIS to open your eyes?" DUH, if not this, then WHAT? Don't think there's a more drastic cry for change than an A. Little by little, you'll work your way back into her heart. All the resentment that she's feeling about your attempts are just the beginnings of doubts in her mind (I believe). She doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and so if you're nice to her and she craps on you, she's it. Fog.<p>Time will tell.<p>Take care of yourself!<p>K

SAA talks about the most severe withdrawal symptoms lasting about 3 weeks... based on NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER!!! Should even a phone call occur between them, then boom! You're back at square one.<p>I am the BS. When my H came home, he was still in contact with OW#1 (there were 3 PA's in all, and one EA from many months previous). It was minimal mind you... down to a couple of emails and the odd phone call. The moment I found out about that, oh boy... let's just say I had a heck of a time keeping from major LBing.<p>Anyways (there I go, venting again! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ), that A was in the process of dying that natural death that we read of so often on here. My H seemed to take the typical 3 weeks after that to 'chill out' and not be so defensive all the time. It still took a couple of months to get the initial talking about the A's out in the open. Even now, 5 months into recovery, there are issues regarding it that are still being addressed.<p>It's a long road ahead. You need to stay patient. It will pay off in a shorter long run that way.<p>Karen

For Starters..no matter how much you want
to ask about the A..DON'T!!!! They will eventually
open up about this..IF You change the things in
the marriage that led to the A..Like..talk about the things that were missing in the marriage,
and work on fixing that..if you ask about the
A, don't ask for details..until you both feel safe
to hear and share them..because you will both LB big time if you do, and push your WS further away..because they won't feel safe sharing..<p>
The affair was not the Problem..it was
a BIG SYMPTOM of the problem..So try and figure
out what you can do to fix the problems first..<p>Yes, alot of anger will come out, on both sides..
but, if you really listen and "hear" what they
say they feel the problems are..and don't just
say "I'm sorry" and not put actions behind the words, but work on changing the actions too..because it will show the WS that you actually
HEARD what was being said..and will be more likely
to want to come back..but, you can't make only
temporary changes, because they will be watching..
just as you will be watching their actions..you don't trust them...but, they don't trust you to meet their needs either..so it will take time
on both sides to rebuild that trust..<p>If there is a history of abuse in her past..it can
take longer..because that brings on an entire different set of circumstances that they need to
work through and heal from before they can even
really begin to meet your needs..<p>And as far how long withdrawl lasts..depends on
how long the needs were going unmet..and they are
angry that it took this to wake you up to the problems in the marriage..and why should they believe things are going to change?? especially
if they have tried to talk to you about it before..and you ignored their pleas..and their
feelings..even though you said..I understand, and then didn't change your actions but for a
short time, only to go back to the old ways of doing things..why should they believe you now that
you are sincere?? So it will require your changing
and working on yourself..and doing some of your
own soul searching..<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>

My H had about a 3 mo recovery period of withdrawal- the first 6 wks or so were really rough- he would go to counseling with me but said he didnt think he wanted our marriage or to make any changes himself. At least he sat in the chair though! Our counselor urged us not to rush back into intimacy and to just be 'friends' for awhile and not get into heavy topics such as divorce, our fights, etc. He had us make tiny changes that each other wanted- ie. things around the house, take walks together, brief hugs etc. Counselor urged me not to mention the A at all because it was too raw to deal with yet. H said he was 'waiting to see if he gets his feelings back for me' before attempting any intimacy. I waited about 6 wks into recovery until he wanted any part of that but when it did happen it was great.( We had gone 7 mo with no intimacy during his very involved EA/PA with a single coworker.) I did a very diluted plan A and just waited it out and spent alot of time getting support from church and friends. It paid off as we are in true recovery now. Good luck! lifeismessy

Hi, <p>This is the difficult time. It can go either way just like before she came back. You need to give her time and space. Be there but don't be the mat. <p>Let her know that each family member brings value to the family. Her piece is to find that value and bring it to the family. It may take a while but it is something she can do. <p>My H aplogized for taking what belonged to our family (his love/affection) and giving it to a total stranger (more like strange arrrrgh....).
H was right and I acknowledged it. That took a while then, he wondered again if he did the right thing by coming back. Mind you this was after 3 attempts and spending 10 days living with OW and 2 days in jail..... Well, he reflected and finally remembered those long 10 days (with him calling me everyday asking to come home) and his jail time. Then he realized that home was better than that lifestyle. <p>I just asked him this morning if living at home was disappointing for him. He said no. See progress. Now this was after 6+ weeks of return. So it takes a while. <p>Be patient. In the meantime, continue strengthening yourself. <p>L.

wpd,<p>you efforts aren't wasted - if you're working on being a better you then how can that be wasted effort.<p>The WS will have horrible mood swings - it's like an alcoholic coming off the bottle. Best you can do is ignore it and maintain your own sanity. At this stage - I was asking my wife if she'd like a hug. Sometimes it was a yes, more often it was a no. Sex was out of the question. <p>I just tried to be fun and kept showing her my love. My wife loves flowers so I kept buying her flowers. I'd open a bottle of wine in the evening and chat about her day. Kept asking her how she felt and never focused on me. Not once. <p>Then after some weeks/months the fog began to lift and she smiled when she got those flowers. It made my heart sing. Now she tells me she loves me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and that puts a big smile on my face.<p>take care of yourself,<p>- Freddy

Well things have got worse! At least last week I got a committment from her that she wanted to work on the M. This week she has had an initial discussion with an Attourney (she denied this at first), but hasn't retained her.<p>Then she admitted that she's been apartment hunting, and she doesn't appear to want to make any effort in the marriage. No contact has been in effect for about 2 weeks now, as far as I know, but this may be another lie.<p>She seems very angry all the time, I am trying to give her some space, and she seems to want to blame me for everything that was wrong in our marriage, including her A, as if she is using this to exhonerate her guilt.<p>Is she deep into withdrawl, does it get better? I am losing hope that this can be saved, and I scared that she will do something in this state of mind to end our marriage, without even attempting to save it.

Well we actually had an honest conversation last night, discussed what the lawyer had told her. I feel sort of resigned to the fact that she wants a D. I feel less emotional about our relationship - perhaps that's just the anti-depressants kicking in!

What thorned rose said really makes sense. It sounds just like my WS words....verbatim. Work on yourself. One way or the other you will be better off in the long run.<p>Best of luck.