Went out to dinner to night at the last minute with a friend. She told me I have to give this up. She is not the only one who has told me that. My mother and brothers and all my good friends. My H emailed me last week and said that by now I should be through the anger and hurt and able to move.<p>Unfortunately, I am not. I am still devastated. I am angry and hurt and stuck here. I miss him...I miss my family. I hate what he has done to us. I go to work each day...and take care of my obligations with the kids...but this is killing me. I want my H. <p>My friend told me tonight...that I need to accept this and move on. I am trying..I am reading books, I go to a class, I have talked with counselors. Why is this so difficult.<p>Jim should have been home with us for Kyle's birthday. He should have gone to the pumpkin patch with us, he should have carved the pumpkins with us, he should have gone trick or treating with us. How am I going to get through the holidays. We loved to decorate the house for Christmas. Our house always looked like the Griswold's. <p>Oh God, this is his sixth time doing this...I should have known he would do it again. Why do I feel so bad....so lonely, so empty. I really miss him. I must be sick....no one understands. I feel so bad. <p>I think I had too many margharitas tonight too. Sorry for the vent. I want to start feeling better--but I don't. I want him to come home. <p>Pat

We understand you, Pat.<p>Nobody that hasn't/isn't experiencing the hurt that you are can possibly comprehend what you're going through. Many of us have been told to just "get over it" or "move on". Well, they're not you, they don't have the feelings that you do, they don't have the love for your H that you do.<p>You do what's right for you, and when/if you're ready to "move on", you will. But don't let ANYBODY rush you.<p>Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life (as is the next, and the next, and the next), best not to screw it up by rushing your feelings.<p>Sooner or later, you'll be ready to move on with your life, w/ or w/o your WS.<p>My prayers are with you tonight.<p>BOY, does a margarita sound good right now....better not on top of the meds though.<p>K

I don't know how to help you other than to help ease the isolation. My H is here and says he is committed to the M, but I am in pain all the time because he wants to act like the A never happened.<p>My first M ended in divorce because of that H's A, and this is the first time I'm dealing with an A with this H. I can't even imagine dealing with it as many times as you have.<p>I do know, though, about everyone wanting you to give up. The only places I can go where I can get support for trying to save the marriage is here and Retrouvaille. I think all my friends and family think I'm nuts for staying with him.<p>I think the only thing you can do is try to get through each hour and take baby steps. I don't think anything is wrong with you that isn't wrong with all of us. We just want to be loved by the one who promised to do that. Unfortunately, we can only control ourselves and our promises.<p>I'm not looking forward to the holidays either, but because we spend them with his family, and none of them know about what he did to me. I have to put on a happy face and act like he is who they think he is. It makes me want to barf.<p>I do remember my first holidays alone after separating from my first H, though, and it is a bleak time. Do everything you can to focus on the kids. That helps. Stay as busy as possible. If you can find a divorce recovery support group where you are, lean on them.<p>Ultimately, only you will know when you are ready to move on, and here you will find support for wherever you are on your journey. I am praying for you.<p>Conqueror

Thanks Kevco,<p>It is hard when everyone thinks I should be over this by now...it has been since April 1st and Hubby shows no interest in coming back home.<p>I am wondering if I made a mistake. My lawyer wants me to have no contact with him. My H wants me to take off the restraining order so that he can come and finish the construction on our house and finish other projects too. However, he just rented an apt. in KC with his OW...so he has no intentions of coming home.<p>I just don't know how he is doing this. It really is killing me. I know I have said it before, I wish I hated him for everything he has done...for all the pain and hurt. But unfortunately I still love him. That is what has got me worried. No one believes that I could even think about taking him back. But I really want my family back together again. I want my H...I have always wanted that. Gosh, I wish he hadn't done this. It is so hard to accept the reality of this whole situation. <p>It is so hard, because we worked so well together--and a lot of people are just finding out about it. They come up and ask how we are enjoying our retirement. Someone told me yesterday "must be nice having him home more often". They are always shocked when I tell them he has moved in with his 28 year old girlfriend. It is like a continuing nightmare. <p>I know I need to move on...I know it, I know it, I know it,---but someone please tell me how. I usually don't have much time during the week to even think about it...but any down time I have--it hits me full force--and I feel miserable. I know this isn't good for me or the kids.<p>I do try to focus on me and the kids....but I am miserable without him. We always did everything together or with the kids. <p>Please, someone tell me how to get on with my life. I am busy, I am active, I devote a lot of time to the kids....how do you move forward?

You know, I read this somewhere and have remembered it for a while. Instead of saying "Why am I stuck here, why can't I move on" you must accept it by thinking (and it is actually the truth and why you can "move on".....<p>I am here for good reasons...I will move on when I am ready.<p>Each person has lessons to learn, different demons to face, different issues and feelings to work through. You are right where you need to be at this second. As long as you go out with your friends, go to class, enjoy your kids...you are where you need to be. If you are still sad, then you haven't worked through those feelings yet...you will...in your time. no matter what happened, you loved him for many, many years....

misery<p>I don't know what to say. We are here for you.<p>I hope in time your H will see what he is losing and come home.<p>Here is a hug (((((((((((misery)))))))))))<p>Stay strong

Pat,
You&#8217;re certainly not alone!!! My WS is sitting 30 feet from me and may as well be on Mars. Yesterday she was warm and friendly, even hugged me back! Today she barely speaks to me. I touch her and she doesn&#8217;t even acknowledge it most of the time. An &#8220;I love you&#8221; is met with silence or a &#8220;I know&#8221; or the occasional &#8220;thank you&#8221; like I got her a coffee refill&#8230; Some days I think I made a mistake coming home&#8230; We do what we have to do, we do what we can. <p>No one here knows why I&#8217;m still here, they don&#8217;t understand. They don&#8217;t understand that I&#8217;ve not had a conscious thought she wasn&#8217;t a part of in 22 years, or that my entire world, all I am, all I&#8217;ve been and all I will be is built around an &#8220;us&#8221;. Don&#8217;t expect them to understand Pat. You have to walk in our shoes to fully understand. Know that there&#8217;s a bunch of great people here that do understand and feel your pain. My thoughts will be with you!!!<p>Paul

Thanks Conqueror,<p>This has been a down day...always hits me hard coming home after work on Fridays...and our past weekends have been full of activies with the kids---so they weren't too bad. This weekend tho, soccer was over, and it is hard being here without him.<p>My son had two cub scout activities--one last night and one tonight. My H should have been here to do that with him. <p>It is just that everything reminds me of him and I really miss him.<p>My H keeps maintaining that he is doing this for the best for the family. How could someone just walk away like that? How can he do that? Was our marriage perfect...no. He has some serious issues with his drinking and temper....but they weren't unworkable.<p>He told me the other day that I was the only one who thinks he has a problem with alcohol. He said "My current relationship thinks I am just fine"...He is in total denial. The whole affair occured because of our interactions. I know it is just FOGese talking...but it sure hurts.<p>Guess I am rambling...it was a huge margarita...way too big for me. I already have a headache [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am frightened that I am never going to get over this. I never did in the past...and I know I should have extracted myself from this relationship years ago. We had a lot of unbelieveably hard times in our marriage---but we had so many good times too. I never wanted to divorce him. It would have been better to get help for the problems....but here we are again. I hate it!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by miserynmissouri:
<strong>Went out to dinner to night at the last minute with a friend. She told me I have to give this up. She is not the only one who has told me that. My mother and brothers and all my good friends. My H emailed me last week and said that by now I should be through the anger and hurt and able to move.<p>Unfortunately, I am not. I am still devastated. I am angry and hurt and stuck here. I miss him...I miss my family. I hate what he has done to us. I go to work each day...and take care of my obligations with the kids...but this is killing me. I want my H. <p>My friend told me tonight...that I need to accept this and move on. I am trying..I am reading books, I go to a class, I have talked with counselors. Why is this so difficult.<p>Jim should have been home with us for Kyle's birthday. He should have gone to the pumpkin patch with us, he should have carved the pumpkins with us, he should have gone trick or treating with us. How am I going to get through the holidays. We loved to decorate the house for Christmas. Our house always looked like the Griswold's. <p>Oh God, this is his sixth time doing this...I should have known he would do it again. Why do I feel so bad....so lonely, so empty. I really miss him. I must be sick....no one understands. I feel so bad. <p>I think I had too many margharitas tonight too. Sorry for the vent. I want to start feeling better--but I don't. I want him to come home. <p>Pat</strong><hr></blockquote>

Misery...<p>I am sorry to hear about your situation. Let me try to explain this from a male perspective. There is nothing you can do to stop someone who continues to have affair after affair. Please realize that his affairs have nothing to do with you. I have a feeling the you could be the PERFECT wife, and he would still have the affair. Their are people like this out there and they need to seek help ASAP. Has your husband seeked counseling with you??? Has your husband ever agreed to break off all contact with the OW to try and save the marriage. <p>I am sorry, but he is not being a good role model for your children at all! Your kids need you the most right now! I am sure they are hurting along with you! Please try to be the best mom that you can for your children. I wish you the best!<p>Bryan

Thank you all for all of your advice. It is so sad we are all going through so much pain. It is such a horrible feeling.<p>For those of you in recovery....it is a long hard road. I know...I have done it quite a few times. But usually after a year(with his first affair it took about two years)--it does get better. Your mind quits visualizing the affair, I quit snooping so much...life pretty much returns to normal. You never quite forget the awful things...but you can put them behind you. At least I did.<p>My H first affair--outside of this one was the worst. He treated me so coldly for about 2 years. We had two children then and I was pregnant with our third. It was a really hard time. Emotionally, he was very cold and distant. He could care less about my feelings. I just tried to go for the kids, loving him and trying to survive each day. It eventually was good again.<p>When we moved to MO, he was so excited that it was a new start for us. Unfortunately, his career made him get a really big head. He did tons of traveling and was wined and dined by a lot of big powerful corporations. He was also approached by tons of women who were in awe of this B-2 pilot. So, we went through more pain and hurt. But we always managed to survive it. It did take a tole on me and my self-confidence though. There was a definite power shift in our relationship. By this time we had four kids--our youngest was the boy he always wanted--a total surprise to us. I did my squadron wife jobs--spent four years devoting my life to him and his squadron. And then he was gone for a year over in the desert and Guam and then came retirement. <p>The airlines, his lonliness and that life style did us in. He said he had many one night stands last year. Then he met this 28 year old and fell madly in love. She said on his voice mail that she knew he was the one for her after their first kiss. He told her he loved her after two weeks. Pretty sad isn't it. <p>In the meantime, I am here with the kids trying to keep life going. I am really hurt--and I really don't see our future getting much better. Why does life have to be so hard? Why are people so hateful to each other. <p>I keep reading a lot of the posts here, and the lack of commitment and love until death do you part---it is so sad. What a throw away society. SNL...I think you are dead wrong about marriage. Commitments and vows should be honored...there is too much destruction if they are not.<p>Better close...thanks everyone!!!

Bryan,<p>Thank you for your post. I know he hasn't been a good role model.<p>He has always had a horrible temper, he has always had trouble with alcohol(started drinking again 2-3 years ago--many bad alcoholic situations), his trouble with fidelity has been awful.<p>I didn't realize until I started filling out the interrogatories for the lawyer how many of the horrible situations the kids knew about. It was really sad. They kept coming up with time after time when dad did this or dad did that. I had forgotten about most of them. I guess I compartmentalize too. <p>My H was a very hard worker, he worked hard at work and at home. He wasn't very good at managing his emotions. He has a lot of left over debris from his childhood. He feels that passion and sex are the only important things in a relationship. I think the reason he feels that way is because that is the only way he can express his feelings. I think he may have ADHD. I have been doing a lot of reading on it and so many of the characteristics define him to a T. <p>It doesn't change our situation tho. I have tried to figure him out for years. His dad is very much like him and I think his mom had affairs(his dad probably did too). The brother that is next to him in age has had a number of affairs. Two of his other brothers have had addiction problems. And his younger brother is 40 and has trouble with commitment. He has never been married. All five of the brothers are very successful, and very good looking as are his mom and dad. They support my H no matter what. <p>We have been close for 25 years. I have heard from H's parents 3 times since he moved out. They all say life should be getting better for me by now.<p>That is why I am so worried. I can't seem to get out of this. Everyone else accepts it and feel I should too. It is so hard. I really love him still. He modeled a lot of bad things that I wished the kids hadn't witnessed---but he loved them too. It was hard with him...there was a lot of bad--but a lot of good too. <p>I wish things were different. We went to counseling after his first affair. It was a disaster. He used the counseling sessions to justify what he had done. He offered to go again this time---but his attitude was he thought there wasn't any hope--we were just to incompatable. I wanted him to go to marriage building or other seminars to promote better marriage skills--but he didn't want to do that. <p>He has never quit seeing his OW. He never even offered to do that. He is too much in love with this new "soulmate". Now he says our marriage was totally dysfuntional. Looking back...I guess with my head I agree totally. Wish my heart would catch up.

Hi MnM,
Oh sweetie I know your pain and I am so sorry that you are feeling like you are stuck here. I agree with kevco our families and friends have the best intentions and they hate to see the hurt and pain we go through but they truly don't understand. Only you will know when you are really ready to let go and move on it's like mourning the death of someone we love. It's so easy for everyone to tell you forget about him and move on with your life but for 25 he yrs. he was your life. They have no idea what they would do if they were in your situation until they are.
I'm sorry I have no advice for you tonight but I hope it helps to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.
<<<HUGS>>>
C

Thanks Cybil,<p>I do appreciate the care and understanding you all have shown. It is so very difficult. And I know you know what it is like.<p>I have been saying for weeks now that I think I will try another anti-depressant. The problem is trying to find the time to get in to see the doctor. I was on Prozac for awhile and it made me feel funny. I think I need something to help me take the edge off of my emotions. <p>I have been escaping to MB to release some of these emotions--but in the process, I feel I am neglecting my kids. Monday, I am going to make a point to call the doctor and try something new. Maybe that will help me feel better. Anyone know of a good anti-depressant to try?

Hi MnM,<p>Sweetie, my hearts breaking for you. Reading your words takes me back in time. I'm just so sorry. <p>You can make it thru this, we'll all help you.<p>I tried a bevy of SSRI anti-deps (Prozac included), but I can't take SSRIs. I had tremmors which could progress into convulsions.<p>So now I'm taking Welbutrin and it has helped me immensley. It takes approx 4 weeks to kick in and there really aren't any side effects except a bit of weight loss. <p>Talk to your doctor about it. I know there are other non-SSRI anti-deps available. Hopefully someone else will jump in here and offer their advice.<p>Be well and take care of yourself. <p>Love,
Jo

Thanks Jo,<p>I will mention that to the doctor. I really felt funny on Prozac. Just really weird. It would be good to find one that works for me.<p>I appreciate the post. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Sometimes it just seems so hopeless. <p>I am going to run to bed. Hope you all have a nice rest tonight. Take care!!

MnM, So sorry for all the pain you are feeling, I wish I could say something that would make all the pain go away for all of us. You were asking about some good meds. Well I am on the anti-D zoloft and I also take xanax for anxiety and when my emotions get to hard to handle, so believe me I know exactly how you feel. They both really help a lot, try looking into them, in the mean time take care of yourself as best as you can, take it 1 hour at a time. Love sally

MnM,
I remembered a good book that really helped me get over my first husband. It's called "Letting Go" and I believe the authors are Tracy Cabot and Zev Lagstein.<p>It is behavior therapy, and it really helps. There are step by step exercises for getting over a lost love. If I remember correctly, it is a 3-month program. I was amazed at how well the exercises worked. Some of them seem strange when you read them, but I found that when I actually tried them, I felt better pretty quickly.<p>It sure couldn't hurt to get a hold of a copy and give it a try. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Conqueror

Thanks Conqueror and Cybil,<p>I will look up the books and the meds tomorrow.<p>Had to call my H tonight about the bills. We hadn't heard from him since Oct. 20--when he was angry about Kyle's birthday plans.<p>I told him that I had been paying the bills and what I had written from his account--wasn't even a third of our bills. H says no way...he doesn't have that kind of money. I said wait a minute, you said there was a lot of money in the middle of the month and you just got paid for the end of the month---where did the money go? He got mad and hung up on me. I called him back and said that wasn't a good way to discuss these financial issues...he picked up the phone and said he didn't have any money. Poor he has to pay for his apt. and a phone. I couln't believe it. I probably LB'd big time. I told him it was so nice that he was doing this for the good of the family. How did he expect our bills to be paid. Of course he didn't like that. He kept saying "we make a ton of money...why is there a problem with the bills getting paid?" Duh!!!! Are they really that brain dead? We were barely making it before he moved out on us. He said "well, this isn't all my fault"...uh yep, it is his fault. Then he started in on me about why I won't let him come and work on the house. Why me???? This is really awful. I think I will have to call my lawyer about the bills tomorrow. That is ridiculous. <p>I guess I need to say it again. How does it ever get better? I don't see any way it can improve. This is going to be my life from now on....how depressing. Why can't he see what he is doing to us emotionally and financially. How could you possibly do that to the people who have been there for you and loved you--even with all of the crap he has put us through. What a waste.

Hey MnM--<p>My heart is breaking for you...(btw...this is C A L I, in yet another disguise [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )...<p>HUGZZZ and prayers for you.<p>So many good suggestions...but I really like what BJoanne said about maybe you're stuck cause there's a lesson you need to learn...please check out "Secrets of the Vine." Sometimes we need to stop and ask God 1st what it is we are supposed to do or what it is we are supposed to learn...that has been my 'lesson' of late...<p>Take care fellow teacher...the holiday season is upon us...and the holidays are miraculous times...let me tell you a miracle story...maybe it will lift your spirits.<p>Nine years ago I was taking Clomid to get pregnant...it wasn't working and I was on my sixth month of taking it and had doubled the dosage...It was early December and day 14 (O_Day as it were) had come and gone...my H and I were planning a Christmas break vacation and everyone was 'sure' we would get pregnant on our vacation when we were more relaxed.<p>I, of course, knew otherwise...because day 14 had come and gone and my temperature did not rise...so no ovulation...this meant no pregnancy that month...so we went on vacation...he still had to work, so I spent time baking cookies (we were in a condo) and doing holiday stuff...watched a lot of holiday movies where Santa fulfilled a lot of wishes. I remember sitting on the bed...tears streaming down my face...and I prayed outloud...God I know it is you and not Santa who causes miracles...all I want is a baby...nothing else...why couldn't it have happened this year?.<p>I didn't think anything of it and a couple of days later my temperature rose...weird because it was day 28 and my cycle should have been ending and my period starting...but it never came...and my temperature mysteriously stayed up....and stayed up....and stayed up....<p>Well you guessed it, Christmas of 1992, I had a 'miracle' pregnancy...when I showed my OB my basal temperature chart he was surprised...Son #1 was born on Labor Day, Sept 6, 1993...my Christmas prayer answered...<p>He can do wonders in our life MnM...and I believe it takes complete faith and trust in Him...and that you go to HIM first...I didn't learn the lesson well enough then, but I think I am getting it now...<p>
Good Luck...
C A L I (please use spaces in between the letters of my signature to help keep my anonimity...if you use it)